A NEW NORMAL

In my post on Succeeding Against All Odds (posted December 19, 2016), I talked about characteristics of pro race car driver and Season 23 runner up of Dancing With the Stars, James Hinchcliffe, that helped him beat the odds. One characteristic was his willingness to step outside his comfort zone. In an Us Weekly exclusive he shared, “So much of this week and the story that I wanted to tell wasn’t about something bad that happened to me, it was what good came out of that. Eighteen months ago I don’t think I would have done this show, but what I went through really changed my perspective on a lot of things, and it opened me up to doing something a little bit outside my comfort zone. Or a lot outside my comfort zone!”

Just as I was wrapping up the writing of the Succeeding Against All Odds post, an article from the Tiny Buddha website (if you have not come across this inspiring site, I encourage you to check it out) came across my desk. Melissa Field began her article, Beautiful Things Can Happen When We Step Outside Our Comfort Zone, with a quote by writer and leadership speaker, Robin S. Sharma. He says, “As you move outside of your comfort zone, what was once the unknown and frightening becomes your new normal.”

 I loved the phrase “your new normal.” Since we are close to ringing in a new year and a new year always brings change of some sort about, I thought it might be interesting to further explore “a new normal.”

The term new normal is a cliché that was introduced in March 2009 when American financial manager William H. Gross used it to describe the economic landscape following the financial crisis of 2007-2008 and the 2008-2012 global recession. New normal now describes the current state of being after some dramatic change has occurred. For example, my godson and his wife had twins in September. Getting less sleep each night has become the new normal for them.   In July, our family lost a beloved uncle. Not having him around for upcoming holiday festivities is a new normal for the family.

Changes in the above examples have moved many in my family out of their comfort zones, from routinized familiarity to random unknowns. One of the hardest things to deal with after change is not knowing what will happen next. And what is unveiled in those unknowns is most definitely the new normal for each of us. Lots of ‘what’ and ‘how’ and ‘can I’ questions are common as we attempt to navigate within our “new” environment, discovering what is now normal for us. For anyone facing a new normal, it is important to deal with and accept current situations rather than obsessing over or complaining about what could have been or should have been. Let’s take a look at some things we can do to adjust to a new normal.

GIVE IT TIME. Our minds tend to adjust over time. We gradually adjust to what has changed; what is new. So, it is important to be patient and give the changes time to become the new normal. Take it one day at a time.

USE YOUR STRESS AS A CALL TO ACTION. Yes, having to deal with a new normal (especially once outside of our comfort zone) does generate the stress response and does raise our anxiety levels. And, if we stay in a state of stress or remain anxious, we may encounter a lot of negative physical, emotional, or psychological “side effects.”   HOWEVER, a small amount of stress may move us to “action mode” which may help us deal with whatever changed and may help us create something positive in the new normal. Being in the new normal and outside our comfort zones may feel awkward, weird and well, uncomfortable, but that isn’t always bad. A lot of good can come from outside the comfort zone and in the new normal.

BE OPEN TO LEARNING AND GROWING. Brian Tracy has said, “You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.” The shift outside our comfort zone and into a new normal forces us to try new things. This gives us an opportunity to learn things about ourselves and to see ourselves in a different light.

UNLEASH YOUR INNER ARCHEOLOGIST. Anthony Robbins said, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.” You will never know what is possible or what you are capable of unless you leave the confines of what is comfortable and known. How can you move forward unless you are willing to open new doors and try new things? Indeed, you will never know what you are capable of doing; you may never reach your full potential unless you venture beyond the boundaries of your comfort zone and give the new normal a chance.

DOUBLE DARE YOURSELF. What we fear in the new normal is only there because the “survival portion” of our brain is trying to protect us. Create a list of those fears, of that scary stuff. Then ask, what is the worst thing that can happen?   Create a resolution list for each fear and its worst possible outcome. You will find that the scariness of the situation really isn’t so foreboding. Dare, no double dare yourself to face and work on those fears.

DON’T GIVE UP! When things get tough or scary or overwhelming there may be the desire to just quit or give up. Avoid acting on that desire. Stay the course, use your inner resolve, and keep going; persist. Remember, “In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins. Not through strength, but through persistence.” (Unknown)

As we enter into a new year, at some point we will all experience a new normal. We will be moved outside of our comfort zones and as Robin S. Sharma said, “…what was once the unknown and frightening becomes your new normal.”  Let’s remember to embrace the new normal, take time to adjust to it (the six tips in this post will help), and see where it takes us.

SUCCEEDING AGAINST ALL ODDS

 

The 23^rd season of Dancing With the Stars (DWTS), the reality dance show that pairs celebrities with professional dancers, concluded on November 22, 2016 with Olympic gold medal-winning gymnastic Laurie Hernandez taking first place and the Mirrorball Trophy. Her win came as no surprise. In an article by dance expert Mary Murphy which appeared in TV Guide Magazine at the start of the season, Hernandez was tagged as a favorite to win it all.

What did come as a surprise was James Hinchcliffe taking the number two spot. In Mary Murphy’s article she highlighted six teams “which have the skills to land the coveted Mirrorball Trophy.” Hinchcliffe was not one of the six. He most certainly succeeded against all odds.

This was not the first time that Hinchcliffe overcame the odds. He is a pro race car driver who overcame life-threatening injuries sustained when he slammed into a track wall while practicing for the 2015 Indianapolis 500.  His surgeon appeared on the October 10 show of DWTS and shared that the odds of him surviving were slim and if he did survive, his odds of ever walking again were very slim.

Well, he defied the odds and survived. And, not only is he walking, he is now a dancing star! What is it about Hinchcliffe (besides magnificent medical care) that led to his succeeding against all odds? From my perspective he was: determined, confident, dedicated, tenacious, focused on his goals (living, walking, and dancing well enough to compete on DWTS), resilient, disciplined, and motivated (he challenged the impossible against all odds).

He was willing to listen to experts and learn from constructive criticism (after the accident, his doctors and rehab specialists; on DWTS, his pro dancer and the judges). He demonstrated flexibility (especially when his pro dancer got injured and he had to work and dance with a substitute pro dancer). He had a support system of friends, family, and colleagues. He sought solutions to the issues, problems, difficulties, and challenges he faced (rather than dwelling on them). He has a positive attitude and he strives to see the good in situations.

Hinchcliffe was willing to step outside his comfort zone. In an Us Weekly exclusive he shared, “So much of this week and the story that I wanted to tell wasn’t about something bad that happened to me, it was what good came out of that. Eighteen months ago I don’t think I would have done this show, but what I went through really changed my perspective on a lot of things, and it opened me up to doing something a little bit outside my comfort zone. Or a lot outside my comfort zone!”

Robert Schuller said, “Most people who succeed in the face of seemingly impossible conditions are people who simply don’t know how to quit.”  

 

 

That is James Hinchcliffe in a nutshell. There’s a lesson for all of us in James Hinchcliffe’s success. Anything can happen at any time. And, it is during challenging times that one truly discovers what we’re made of. As Herodotus, the Greek philosopher, said, “Adversity has the effect of drawing out strength and qualities of a man that would have lain dormant in its absence.”

When adversity befalls us, we need to channel our inner Hinchcliffe and use our determination, confidence, dedication, tenacity, focus, resilience, discipline, motivation, and positive attitude to defy the odds and prevail. We, too, can succeed against all odds.

THINGS TO DO WHEN FEELING STUCK

This week, I want to talk about why the ability to keep moving forward is so important when dealing with change and transition. Have you ever felt so mired in something that you couldn’t move in any direction? Think about how frustrating it is when you are stuck in traffic and can’t move forward, backward or sideward. Not only can the inability to move be frustrating, but it can also be frightening.

Years ago, while on an adventure trip to a local lake that had been drained, my nephew and I both got stuck in the mud…literally. We were exploring the lake bed. My husband had warned us not to get too close to any wet, muddy spots. I was trailing my nephew to make sure he didn’t get into any kind of trouble. As it turned out, both he and I got stuck in the mud! (Not the stuff we had been warned about, but other stuff closer to the shore whose looks were deceiving.)

Oh my! Movement made things worse. It was like being in quicksand where any movement can make you sink a little further and further in the wrong direction. Anyway, while we weren’t sinking, we were unable to move. I think my nephew was too young to realize the danger we were in; it truly was an adventure to him. But, I was frightened.   Not being able to move or to make any progress in getting out of the mud was terrifying. (My husband eventually rescued us by extending a long branch that we grabbed on to and with which he pulled us from the mud.)

Sometimes it is the same with change. Some changes seem way too hard to deal with so we just give up; we quit; we just get “stuck in the mud.” It is easier to stay rooted in our comfort zone than to move out of it and deal with the change at hand. However, staying rooted does nothing to help us navigate the “changing environment.” We have to keep moving and keep moving forward; moving ahead and moving on.

I hear you asking, “But when the change seems too overwhelming and I do get “mired in the mud,” how do I even think about moving forward?”   Let’s take a look at some things to remember that might just help “release” you and get you moving forward when you are feeling stuck.

1. Acknowledge that you are stuck. When I was literally stuck in the mud, I was reluctant to admit it. I kept thinking if I just moved a certain way, I would be fine. Denial wasn’t serving me any purpose. Resisting only made things worse. Only when I realized that I was stuck was I able to think about options to get me out of my situation. Only when we acknowledge that we are stuck can we have the power to do something about it.
2. Ask for help. You are not alone. It may feel that way sometimes, but there are many people who would extend their hand and lift you up if asked. All you have to do is ask.
3. Know what you want. This isn’t about the how, only the what. In order to move forward in life, you need a firm foundation from which to step. Understanding what and where you want to go in life will provide your vision and spirit – your foundation. The how will figure itself out when you know you want to keep moving forward. Your feeling stuck may be a sign that you need to make some type of change in our life. And, being stuck is the invitation to that change. 
4. Focus. The mind must be clear on what it needs to focus. There are times when it is critical to focus on what is taking place at that time. Concentrate on what is most important or what appears to be the priority.
5. Trust. Everything happens for a reason. When you get hit hard and land on your back, look for the reasons and for the value in this. Open your heart and trust that this happened for a reason. Perhaps it was to test your determination or to alert you to the fact you were on the wrong path. Either way, trust that  the experience is happening for a reason and be open to making adjustments in order to keep moving forward.
6. Want it more. How badly do you want it? How badly do you really want to achieve what you are working so hard to accomplish? When you get hit hard, you have an opportunity to answer this question. It’s one thing to say you want to do something, or to be something. But to walk through the pain; to get up and keep moving forward knowing there may be more pain ahead, is a test of your determination and resolve. When you find yourself getting back on your feet, you have indeed answered this question and there’s no doubt you will keep moving forward.
7. Baby steps are OK. Don’t get overwhelmed if what you want to do or accomplish seems too big or seems like it will take too long. Marathons are made up of one step after another after another. It is fine to start with small steps. Those small steps will eventually get you to where to you want to be.  
8. Surround yourself with positive. Feeling stuck often comes with a lot of negative vibes. Remove those negative vibes from your life. Focus on the good, the positive and invite positive people into your inner circle.
9. Take 100% responsibility. Except in rare and unfortunate circumstances, you are responsible for the quality and condition of your life. Your career, your relationships and your happiness are all under your direct control. Sometimes we choose to do nothing when we get hit hard because it’s just easier and less painful that way. But the real pain is only deferred. You have to live with yourself. You have to live with the voice in your gut, your inner wisdom that says you gave up too soon or didn’t try hard enough. When you hear this inner voice speaking to you, it’s usually right. It’s your choice, then, to get up and keep moving forward.
10. Believe you are worthy. Whatever your goal, your dream, or your desire, you are worthy of achieving it. The closer you get to it is when the enemy of your soul will begin putting doubt in your mind by playing the self-limiting tapes that say you are not worthy. Replace these old tapes with a newer one that contains the truth – you are worthy to have your heart’s true desire and to keep moving forward. 
11. Forget regret. Leave your mistakes and regret in the past. They don’t define your value, then or now. When you stay in the past you become stuck and unable to move forward. We all have made mistakes with our job choices, friends and relationships. The consequences can hit us pretty hard. However, to begin learning how to put these experiences behind     us – by letting them go, we can begin to live in the here and now. Give yourself the gift of forgiveness and keep moving forward.
12. Learn from failure. Looking at a circumstance and figuring out what went wrong gives you some very important information. This review allows you to evaluate what worked and what didn’t, and more importantly, why. Often when you are removed from a situation, you can look at it more objectively which will allow you to make better choices to keep moving forward. 
13. Keep the Faith. Faith is a strong belief in something without proof or evidence At the end of the day when you are weary from all of the effort and energy you have expended and you are sore and tired from being ‘hit hard’ so many times, the one thing that tells you to keep going, to get up tomorrow and to keep moving forward, is your faith. Honor this and cherish it. Faith is what makes you human. It gives you energy and hope. And if you let it, your faith will deliver you to wherever you want to go in life. When it is meant to be, it will happen. 

As Denis Waitley said, “There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.”  When you feel stuck it means the existing conditions are no longer working for you. You need to do something about changing those conditions so you can keep moving and keep moving forward; moving ahead and moving on.

 

GAME CHANGING DECISIONS

I recently visited with 91-year-old Aunt Mary Ann. As a result of dementia, which has stolen her knowledge of how to do some basic life skills (among other things), she resides in a skilled nursing facility. On this day, she was alert and pretty much “with it.” Because of her alertness, we played a game of Yahtzee after lunch.

Yahtzee is a game the object of which is to roll five dice for scoring combinations and get the highest score. On each turn, one gets to roll the dice up to three times to get the highest scoring combination for one of 13 categories. This game requires one to make a decision after each roll.

Despite Aunt Mary Ann’s alertness, after each of her rolls, I summarized the different options available to her. On one roll, she had two 4s and two 5s. She could keep those and try for one more 4 or 5 for a full house, keep the 4s and try for more of them, or keep the 5s and try for more of them. I told her if it were me, I’d try for the full house. She chose not to do that, instead going for more 5s. She did not roll another 5. She looked at me with a smile and said, “Bad decision.”

We talked about how it wasn’t a bad decision; it was just a decision that didn’t turn out how she wanted. Throughout the rest of the game, I was more cognizant of any decision either of us made and how it turned out.

When I left her, I couldn’t stop thinking about decisions. A decision is a conclusion one reaches after considering information at hand. Decision making would then be the act of making a choice between a set of options. Making decisions is a huge part of our everyday lives: what to wear, what to eat, what to watch, what to listen to. Sometimes we’re faced with making decisions that require some serious thought such as changing jobs, accepting a job offer, entering into a new relationship, ending a current relationship, or making a major purchase.

Life is about choices. Choices mean decisions. In the following situation, what would your decision be? You are a college football coach. It is late in the fourth quarter of the game. You are down by seven points.   Your team scores a touchdown so the point difference is now one. You have two choices. Kick an extra point and if successful, tie the game. Try for a two-point conversion and if successful, go ahead by one. What to do? What to do?

This situation is exactly what the coach of Michigan State faced in the November 19, 2016 game against Ohio State. The coach only had seconds to ponder the pros and cons of each outcome. His decision was to go for the two-point conversion. That attempt failed. The end result didn’t turn out how he wanted and many questioned that decision, calling it bad, wrong, ill advised. However, if the two-point conversion had been successful with the end result turning out how he wanted, that decision would have been called good, right, gutsy.

When we are faced with a choice, we must make a decision. The decision will not be right or wrong. It won’t be good or bad.   The decision will just be.  (Remember, those adjectives describe the constructs others place on the outcome of the decision.) The important thing is to decide so we can move on. In the time we have to make a decision, we must look at the factors that present themselves at that moment. If the end result turns out how we wanted, things progress forward in the manner we had hoped. If the end result doesn’t turn out how we wanted, we need to re-evaluate our choice to determine next steps and in what direction we will move. Looking for the lesson in a decision that didn’t turn out how we wanted is a productive action to take.

There is no magic formula for making decisions, but there are some things we can do to help us when we are presented with a choice and must make a decision. These tips are presented in no particular order:

Stay calm. Panic only interferes with rational thinking.

Do your research. Get as much information as you can.

Create a list of pros and cons.

Imagine the worst case scenario and determine how likely that is to happen. Ask yourself if you can deal with the worst case.

Be objective. Balance rationality with emotions.

Listen to your inner voice.   Trust your gut instinct.   A good decision will feel right. If you have to be talked into doing something, that may not be the way to go.

Match personal values, vision, and direction to choices.

Let go of the fear of making a decision. Remember, there is no right or wrong. Any choice helps you move in a direction. Movement is better than being stuck.

Talk to family, friends, colleagues.

Establish a timeframe in which the decision is to be made.

Deepak Chopra in his The Book of Secrets: Unlocking the Hidden Dimensions of Your Life says, “If you obsess over whether you are making the right decision, you are basically assuming that the universe will reward you for one thing and punish you for another. The universe has no fixed agenda. Once you make any decision, it works around that decision. There is no right or wrong, only a series of possibilities that shift with each thought, feeling, and action that you experience. If this sounds too mystical, refer again to the body. Every significant vital sign- body temperature, heart rate, oxygen consumption, hormone level, brain activity, and so on- alters the moment you decide to do anything… decisions are signals telling your body, mind, and environment to move in a certain direction.”

I agree. With decisions, there is no right or wrong just a series of possibilities that follow whatever choice is made. The end result will either be what we wanted or hoped for or it will not. If the result of the decision moves us in a direction in which we had wanted to go, life will go on nicely until the next major decision needs to be made. If the result of the decision isn’t what we hoped for or doesn’t help move us forward in our journey, we need to look for the lesson in the decision, learn from it, and use that new knowledge to help us move in a direction which will take us to a place in our life journey where we need to be.