“IN THE ADAPTABILITY AND EASE WITH WHICH WE EXPERIENCE CHANGE LIES OUR HAPPINESS AND FREEDOM”

The title of this week’s post comes from a statement made by religious leader and philosopher, Buddha. The full statement goes, “In our lives, change is unavoidable, loss is unavoidable.  In the adaptability and ease with which we experience change lies our happiness and freedom.”  These words just resonate with me.  Yes.   Yes.  Yes.  Our happiness (and our quality of life) is very much dependent on how we choose to experience any change (our any loss brought on by a change) in our life.

We can choose to allow the change or loss to paralyze us.  We can hole up somewhere and do absolutely nothing.  We can choose to allow the change or loss to get us down, blanketing us in negative emotions (sadness, anger, fear, etc.) and turning us into unhappy people.

Or, we can choose to make the best of the change or loss, finding the positive in it, being happy, and moving onward and upward.  As Randy Pausch (the Carnegie Mellon University professor who courageously battled pancreatic cancer) said in The Last Lecture, “We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.”  If we follow his advice, we will concentrate on playing the hand we’re dealt well rather than complaining about it.  If we can remember to always do the best we can where we are with what we have, we will be playing whatever “hand we’re dealt” well.

It is important to not let what happens to us dictate our response. We need to take control of our attitude and in doing so we will control the direction of our response and control our level of happiness and freedom.

Charles R. Swindoll (author, educator, and radio host) reminds us that, “…The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude … I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you … we are in charge of our attitudes.”

We are most definitely in charge of our attitudes, our responses.  Life IS 10% of what happens to us and 90% how WE REACT or RESPOND to it.  Think about this.  If we subscribe to this, it means that only 10% of life is comprised of stuff that happens to us, while 90% of life is determined by how we react or respond to that which happens to us.   So, we shouldn’t spend a lot of time worrying about that 10% over which we have no control. We should concentrate our energies and efforts on that 90% which is our reaction/response.  We do have control over how we choose to react/respond to everything that happens to us.

Underlying our ability to respond to change and loss in a way that seeks to understand, puts and keeps things in perspective, is helpful and purposeful, or moves us forward is our mindset, those beliefs and thoughts about what we can and can’t do.  Our mindset is very powerful.  It can control us; it can hold us back from doing things and in times of change or loss, it can definitely hold us back from accepting or dealing with the change or loss and moving forward.

Louise Hay, author of The Power is Within You, has talked about us being “masters of our own minds.”  It is possible for all of us to have a mindset that is expansive instead of limiting.  When times and situations are challenging, if we think something can happen or is attainable, we are more likely to do things or position ourselves to actually make happen what we would like (or end up with something close to what we want).  An expansive mindset is one that empowers us and helps us focus more on constructive approaches to deal with issues, and helps us view challenges and obstacles (within any change or loss) as opportunities.

Buddha has it exactly right.  Our happiness and freedom depends on the adaptability and ease with which we experience change.  If we avoid dwelling or getting lost in the side of change that is unpleasant or negative and instead move beyond that and look for the pleasant and the positive we will find that this gives us power and control over the change or loss.  With that power and control over the situation, we will be much more satisfied with life, better able to deal with and handle what comes our way, less stressed, and find more joy and happiness in life.  We will find that dealing with any type of change or loss becomes a lot easier.

STIR UP SOME COURAGE

There is a commercial on United States television for Nestles’ Coffee-Mate which features a woman who is concerned about how she looks for her first day back to work.  Her husband tells her she looks  really nice.  She says she wants to look better than nice so she removes her wig to reveal a bald head.  Her husband then tells her she looks stunning.  A tagline for the commercial says, “Today is a good day to stir up courage.”  The implication in the tagline and with the woman is that she is returning to work after having undergone treatments for cancer.

This commercial touched my mind and my heart. I thought about the change the cancer diagnosis introduced to this woman’s life.  I thought about what it takes to keep moving forward when unexpected change enters our lives.  And, I thought about what courage it takes to face change head on and positively deal with all the unknowns. There is a lesson here for any of us who deal with major or seismic change (and most certainly, a cancer diagnosis brings a seismic change to one’s life).

 

So, what is courage and why is it an important quality to have when dealing with change?  Courage is the mental or moral strength to face fear or danger or to persevere in the wake of adversity (and some may substitute change with adversity) with confidence and resolution.  And, when one is courageous, they are brave; they are not deterred by danger or pain.  Since change usually rocks our world in some way (even change we choose), courage (having the strength to face fears or to persevere in the wake of adversity) may be just what it takes for us to face the new environment and to put things back in order after our world is rocked.

Courage – where does it come from?  As the characters on the journey in the Wizard of Oz learned, they always had within them what they were searching for.  The Cowardly Lion was in search of courage.  Instead of an external search, the Cowardly Lion just had to unlock it within himself.  It is the same with us.  If we are anticipating a change and feel we need courage for it or when change blindsides us and we need courage to face the changed environment, we should look inward to discover our reserve of fortitude.

We can “stir up” our courage by:

Acknowledging the fear we feel, but moving forward and doing what needs to be done to deal with the change.  We can’t let the fear paralyze us.  Confront it. Work through it.

Moving past worry.  Someone said, “Worry is a total waste of time.  It doesn’t change anything. All is does is steal your joy and keeps you very busy doing nothing.”   Worrying robs us of energy; of strength.  In effect, worrying strips us of our courage or keeps us from being able to bring it to the surface.  The rule of thumb is:  If the situation/issue can be solved, no need to worry about it.  If the situation/issue cannot be solved, what is the use of worrying?

Letting go of the familiar.  French writer and 1947 Nobel Prize winner for literature, Andre Gide, tells us “Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.”   It is only when we move out of our comfort zone that we learn exactly what we are capable of doing.  Outside  our comfort zone is where true learning occurs.  So, if we let go of what is we may be able to discover what can be; we might just uncover the depth and degree of our courage.

Believing in ourselves.  We can do this.  We can get through this.  We just need to trust in ourselves.

Persevering.  Keep trying.  Don’t give in or give up.  Maintain hope.

Viewing the situation as an opportunity.  There is a lesson in everything that comes our way.  Don’t be overwhelmed by the situation.  What is the situation/issue “telling” us?  What can we learn from what is happening?

Reflecting on past successes.  We were able to handle some things in the past.  Think about those times and recall what was done to deal with those issues/situations. We can deal with whatever we are now facing.

Reinforcing ourselves for our successes.  Each time we face a fear or deal with something difficult (especially something we’ve been avoiding), we need to give ourselves a pat on the back (or treat ourselves to something meaningful – me time, a good book, chocolate – whatever makes us feel good).

 

Talking to someone.   We need to use the “touchstones” in our lives, our friends and our family to discuss what is happening, what concerns us, of what we are afraid.  Talking things through will help us discover the strength needed to deal with whatever we are facing.

When change of any kind enters our lives, we may need to ‘stir up some courage’ in order to effectively deal with the change.  We all have a reserve of courage within us.  So, when things get tough, we all need to draw upon that reserve to help us deal with and overcome any challenges that we may face.  As Mark Twain, the American writer and humorist, tells us, “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight; it’s the size of the fight in the dog.”

BAD MOMENT VS. BAD DAY

 

Frequently heard in my workshops on choices, decisions, perspective and attitude is the following, “There is no such thing as a bad day. You can’t have 24 hours of bad. You may have bad moments, but you cannot have 24 hours of bad.” I have been dispensing this piece of advice for the past 20 some years. I came to this realization when working at a college in the state of Oregon (USA). One of my staff members had been placed on a work improvement plan and this person did not feel there was anything wrong with their work performance. The response to the plan was to fight me tooth and nail on everything. Often, this person would come into my office five minutes before I left for home and say something that would not sit well with me. When I would get home, my husband would ask how my day was and often I would say, “Not good. It was very rough.” But, if I truly reflected on my day I had had a great work day. The last five minutes were the only ones that had been challenging (or as some might way, bad).

It was then and there that I adopted my philosophy of there is no such thing as a bad day; perhaps bad moments, but never 24 hours of bad. In preparing for this post, I came across the following quote which extends my thought: There is no such thing as a bad day just bad moments that we choose to take with us all day long. (Anonymous)

Indeed! It is our choice whether we carry a bad moment with us for an entire day. Now, let’s generalize this to dealing with change because there are a lot of parallels. When change blindsides us and has us angry or when change moves us out of our comfort zones and has us frustrated or frightened, we might usually first think of negatives or feel that the change is bad. 

It is easy to over react when something unexpected happens. It is easy to: blow things out of proportion, hold on too tightly to what was, and focus on the negative of what is happening.   In times of change, we must remember that we have a choice. We can choose to be reactive and think the worst or we can choose to be proactive and look at what is happening as an opportunity. 

Life is about choices. Evangelical Christian pastor, author, educator, and host of the radio broadcast, Insight for Living, Charles R. Swindoll reminds us that, “Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.”   In dealing with challenging moments in a day or those changes that are thrust upon us, we shouldn’t spend a lot of time worrying about that 10% over which we have no control. Our energies and efforts should be concentrated on that 90% which is our reaction. We do have control over how we choose to react to everything that happens to us. If we choose to react in a way that seeks to understand, puts and keeps things in perspective, is helpful and purposeful or moves us forward, we will be much more satisfied with life, better able to deal with and handle whatever comes our way, feel less stressed, and find more joy and happiness in life.

We can choose to have a GOOD DAY.   We can act like we are having a GOOD DAY.   And, we can plan for a GOOD DAY. As Abraham Lincoln (an American politician and lawyer who served as the 16th President of the United States) has said, “We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.” In the coming days and weeks, we all need to make a commitment to choose to keep challenging (or bad) moments that happen due to life’s circumstances or due to change in perspective and not carry them with us all day which allows them to overshadow all the good and positive happening in that day. (To help us do this, next week’s post will take a look at ways to keep things in perspective so that we let don’t let those challenging or bad moments overshadow all the positive and good moments each day does contain.)

LASTING CHANGE BEGINS WITHIN US

I recently listened to a talk by Eckhart Tolle (author of The Power of Now and A New Earth: Awakening to your Life’s Purpose) on “the change starts from within.” As I listened, I was reminded of the story The Elephant and the Chain.

When an  elephant is young, if a trainer puts a chain around its leg and restrains it from moving far, the young elephant will initially try to escape. After trying for a while, the animal realizes that escaping is futile and gives in to the restraint, enabling the trainer to control the elephant for the rest of its life.  From then on, all that is required is a chain around its leg and a wooden peg in the ground that you or I could pull out, but the elephant doesn’t. Why? Because it doesn’t think that it can.

We know that elephants are strong animals, strong enough to just pull on that wooden peg and chain and break free. However, the elephant has been conditioned to believe that it cannot break the bonds of the chain, remaining submissive to the trainer.

Let’s broaden this tale to us and dealing with change. William Bridges, author of Managing Transitions: Making the Most of Change (1991), talks about change being situational; it is something that happens to us. Examples of situational changes with which we commonly deal include relocating to a new home, moving from one to school to another, starting a new job, retiring, getting married/divorced/widowed, and having a child.

In each of those examples, there is an element of unknown. No matter how excited we may be about the new opportunity each change may bring about, we likewise have moments of doubt, fear, unease, all caused by the move out of our comfort zone and not knowing what may happen.   Bridges refers to the emotional or psychological component of this change process as “transitions.”   According to Bridges, transitions are what we experience, what we go through as we internalize and come to terms with the details of the new situation that come with the change. And, Bridges feels that it is the transition and not the change that unsettles people.  Both the change itself (the physical aspect) and the transitions (the psychological aspect) combine to make us feel the frustration, anger, depression, fear, or stress that accompanies dealing with whatever is becoming different in our lives.

We often have no control over situations in our life that change (think of the elephant going from a free animal to one that is captured). However, we do have control over how we handle the transition, the psychological or emotional aspect of the change. Again, think of the elephant. The elephant eventually gave in to the circumstances of its changed situation. After a while, it just gave up thinking this is how it’s going to be.

What might have happened had the elephant not given in or up? What if the elephant held on to thoughts that it could pull that peg out of the ground enabling it to once again roam free? (While the chain may still have been attached to its leg, it would no longer have been restrained by the peg.)

I feel we often see a lot of that restrained elephant in us when we feel what has changed (the situation) is hard or unfair and we convince ourselves that we can’t handle what is happening or that whatever is changing will not end well. We dig our heels in and let our mindset take over and like the elephant, we just get stuck. Albert Einstein (noted physicist who received the Nobel Prize for Physics in 1921) said, “All meaningful and lasting change starts first in your imagination and then works its way out. Imagination is more important than knowledge.”

Einstein is basically telling us that all meaningful and lasting change starts within us. Despite the situations changing around us, lasting or meaningful change won’t happen unless we change our approach to the transitional phase of change; the emotional or psychological part of change. We must be willing to deal with what we are experiencing, what we go through as we internalize and come to terms with the details of the new situation that comes with the change. In other words, we must change what is going on within us – our thoughts, our mindset, our attitude, and how we choose to react.

Change that starts within is meaningful to us and lasts because:

1. We have taken responsibility, taken control for how we think/feel and for what we then do.
2. We are in the driver’s seat. It is no longer the situation controlling us. We are controlling our reaction to what happened.
3. Taking control of our attitude will control the direction of our response.
4. When we are in control, we are better able to see the lesson(s) in the situation with which we are dealing.
5. That control gives us courage and confidence (to break whatever “chains” are holding us back).
6. Our courage and confidence help us to do the best we can where we are and with what we have.
7. Opportunities abound for those who know what they want and where they are headed.
8. Energy (vibes) follows what is given attention. Remember, the more we focus on the positive, on hope and possibilities, the more likely our actions will reflect that.   Conversely, the more we focus on the negative, on our fears and frustrations, we are more likely to find more of which to be fearful or frustrated about.

Charles R. Swindoll reminds us that, “Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.”   Think about this. If you subscribe to this, it means that 10% of life is comprised of stuff that happens to you, but 90% of life is determined by how you react. Let me repeat that. 10% of life is comprised of stuff that happens to us (the situation part of change); 90% of life is determined by how we react to it (the transition part of change). So, we shouldn’t spend a lot of time worrying about that 10% over which we have no control. We need to concentrate our energies and efforts on that 90% which is our reaction (and that which comes from within). We do have control over how we choose to react to everything that happens to us. If we choose to react in a way that seeks to understand, puts and keeps things in perspective, is helpful and purposeful, or moves us forward, we will be much more satisfied with life, better able to deal with and handle what comes our way, less stressed, and find more joy and happiness in life.

IT’S NOT THE CHANGE BUT HOW WE REACT

Outer Banks, NC

I am writing this post sitting on the deck of a house at the Outer Banks watching the gentle waves break on the shore and then recede back into the ocean. In my reverie, I am taken back to the years I spent in Oregon and my first venture to the Pacific Ocean. I was so excited to see the “other” ocean. (Growing up in Pennsylvania, I had been to the Atlantic ‘shore’ a few times.)  I was excited, not only to get to see the Pacific first hand, but also to experience clamming and crabbing. The ‘coast’ did not disappoint me. The mighty Pacific against the backdrop of a rugged coastline was awesome. Geoduck (“gooey duck”) clamming was a new and interesting experience. Crabbing in Netarts Bay was an exciting adventure. The perpetual mist and wind (from breezy to gusty) did not deter my excitement. The weekend was magnificent!

Netarts Bay, Oregon

At work Monday morning, colleagues asked about my maiden coastal trip. I responded enthusiastically about all I had seen and done. Our department secretary, who had also been to the same coastal area, said, “Are you kidding? It was too windy and too wet to enjoy anything!” Reminiscing about that experience helped me select this week’s post topic, summed up nicely in Jean-Paul Sartre’s quote, “What is important is not what happens to us, but how we respond to what happens to us.”

Events external to us are beyond our control. I had no control over the mist and the wind while at the Oregon Coast. I did have control over how I chose to react to them. Unlike my colleague who chose to complain about the conditions (and did not have a good time that weekend), I chose to relish in the elements and enjoy the activities despite the mist and wind. And so it is with everything in life that comes our way: it is our choice how we deal or react or respond to it. There are no right or wrong reactions. But, how we react determines what happens to us.

We can choose to allow the circumstance to paralyze us. We can hole up somewhere and do absolutely nothing. We can choose to allow the circumstances to get us down, blanketing us in negative emotions (sadness, anger, fear, etc.) turning us into unhappy people. Or, we can choose to make the best of the circumstance, finding the positive in it, and moving onward and upward.

As Randy Pausch (the Carnegie Mellon University professor who courageously battled pancreatic cancer) said in The Last Lecture, “We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.” If we follow his advice, we will concentrate on playing the hand we’re dealt well rather than complaining about it. (In my Oregon Coast example, this means putting on rain gear and still going after the clams instead of sitting in a room somewhere complaining about the weather.) If we can remember to always do the best we can where we are with what we have, we will be playing whatever “hand we’re dealt” well.

Those who successfully navigate life’s most challenging circumstances, including major or seismic change, understand that it is their reaction to the events and circumstances that shapes their feelings, actions, and results. Brian Tracy tells us, “You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.” Your response will define your quality of life (paralyzed and immobilized; negative and unhappy, or positive and making the best of everything). Do not let what happens to you dictate your response. Take control of your attitude which will control the direction of your response.

Charles R. Swindoll reminds us that, “Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.”   Think about this. If you subscribe to this, it means that 10% of life is comprised of stuff that happens to you, but 90% of life is determined by how you react. Let me repeat that. 10% of life is comprised of stuff that happens to you; 90% of life is determined by how your react to it. So, don’t spend a lot of time worrying about that 10% over which you have no control. Concentrate your energies and efforts on that 90% which is your reaction. You do have control over how you choose to react to everything that happens to you. If you choose to react in a way that seeks to understand, puts and keeps things in perspective, is helpful and purposeful, or moves you forward, you will be much more satisfied with life, better able to deal with and handle what comes your way, less stressed, and find more joy and happiness in life. You will find that dealing with any type of change becomes a lot easier.