THE IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE

Twelve times a year we turn the page on our calendars to a new month.  Twelve times a year we experience the last day of the month.  But, only once during the year do we experience the last day of a calendar year and turning that calendar page not only leads to a new month but to a new year!

The last day of December 31 is quite different for many of us.  Because of the approaching New Year, there are parties and celebrations to send out the old and ring in the new.  There are special songs to commemorate the ‘days gone by’ (most notably Auld Lang Syne).  There are hugs, kisses, toasts, fireworks, and iconic items dropped from heights.   And, there are reflections and resolutions.

We reflect on the year that is coming to a close:  What were the good, the positive moments?  What challenges were faced?   And based on those reflections, we resolve to do or not to do something in the coming year:    What needs to be accomplished or what needs to be done differently in the New Year?

 

 

As we each prepare for the New Year, I would like to share a story on The Important Things in Life  (author unknown) that I use in many of my presentations and workshops.  The moral of this story can be a helpful resource when contemplating our direction in a new year:

 

A professor of philosophy stood before his class with some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks about two inches in diameter.   He then asked the students if the jar was full.  They agreed that it was full.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.  The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.  He then asked the students again if the jar was full.  They agreed that it was indeed full this time.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.  Of course, the sand filled up the remaining open areas of the jar.  He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous “Yes.”

 

“Now,” said the professor, “I want you to recognize that this jar signifies your life. The rocks are the truly important things – your family, your partner, your health, your children – things that if everything else was lost and only the rocks remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter in your life – like your job, your house, your car.  The sand is everything else, the small stuff.”

 

“If you put sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your lives. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are truly important to you.  Pay attention to the things in life that are critical to your happiness and well-being. Play with your children.  Take your partner out dancing.  There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party, or fix the disposal.”  

“Take care of the rocks first – things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just pebbles and sand.”

  In contemplating a direction for the New Year, ask:

1. What are my “rocks?” What are the most important things – the things that make my life full and are critical to my happiness?
2. What are my “pebbles?” What other things matter?
3. What is my “sand?” What is the small stuff that seems to take time away from the rocks and the pebbles?
4. What do I need to do to bring balance so I can focus on the rocks and the pebbles?

 

Motivational speaker and author Matthew Kelly says, “You cannot change one moment of your past, but you can change your whole future.”   The New Year is the start of our future.   If in our past we weren’t focusing on the things in our life that make it full and bring us happiness, we have an opportunity in the coming days, weeks, and months to change our future.  If we remember to put the “rocks” into our “jar of life” first we will be making the first step to a future that has more of a chance of bringing us fulfillment and happiness…to a future that is brighter.  May 2019 be a year that shines bright for all of us!

SELF-RENEWAL IN THE NEW YEAR

As I write this article, we are seven days away from 2018 and a new year.  Each new year brings with it a time for renewal.  Renewal is rejuvenation, revitalization, an awakening, or a recharging.  In his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People author Stephen Covey lists “principles of balanced self-renewal” as the seventh habit.  Balanced self-renewal involves attention to all four dimensions of our being: physical, spiritual, social/emotional, and mental.

According to Covey, the physical dimension involves caring for our physical body – eating the right foods, getting enough rest and relaxation, and exercising on a regular basis.  The spiritual dimension encompasses our center and our commitment to our value system.  The social/emotional dimension includes our feelings about self and others as well as our interactions and relationships with others.  And, the mental dimension involves keeping our mind sharp by reading, writing, organizing, planning and thinking.

 In this post, I would like to concentrate on the thinking aspect of our mental dimension and on the need to develop new attitudes for self-renewal.   As mental health counselor and author Deborah Day says, “Renewal requires opening yourself up to new ways of thinking and feeling.”  Think about it.  We often create a list of resolutions for a new year – things we want to do differently or things we want to accomplish in the new year.  Achieving those resolutions must first start with thinking differently.  As Albert Einstein (German born American physicist who developed the special and general theories of relativity and Nobel Prize winner for Physics in 1921) said, “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.”

For self-renewal to be successful, we need to open ourselves to new ways of thinking.  But, how do we do this?

We have to work on overcoming self-limiting thoughts.  These consist of the chatter in our heads that tells us that we can’t or we won’t or we shouldn’t.  The more the chatter revolves around these thoughts, the more we believe them and before we know it, those thoughts become our mindset.  Our mindset consists of beliefs and beliefs are thoughts that are repeated over and over for a period of time that determine how we respond to situations.   And the longer we think that something can or can’t happen, the more we believe that thought and the more we act accordingly.  So, our mindset is very powerful.  It can control us.  And, if our mindset is full of self-limiting thoughts, it can limit us from new ways of thinking.

We need to challenge the mindset that may be preventing us from thinking in new ways.  If negative thoughts (I could never do…, I don’t think I can do this…, I’m not as good as….) dominate our mindset, we need to look at what action can be taken to eliminate the negative?  Can we try to focus on the positive?  Is the negative a learned, an ingrained behavior?  If so, we can unlearn it.  Change the ‘I could never and the ‘I don’t think’ to words of encouragement.  Don’t feed the cycle of negativity.

Being open to brainstorming  (when ideas are spontaneously generated in response to a problem, issue, or situation) will also help us develop new ways of thinking.  Brainstorming helps us think beyond our same old thought patterns.  Productive brainstorming will generate a lot of different ideas especially off-the-wall or out-of-left-field ideas.   Don’t even think about whether the idea will work or solve the issue – just get any ideas and thoughts out. After the ‘mind dump’ of ideas, sort and categorize them and then begin to look for ones that will work what you facing

One of my favorite ways to develop a new way of thinking or looking at something is through  kaleidoscopic thinking. Take all the pieces for the situation (write out the pieces on index cards) and play with arranging them in different configurations.  Rosabeth Moss Kanter (Ernest L. Arbuckle professor of business at Harvard Business School and director and chair of the Harvard University Advanced Leadership Initiative)  says, “Creativity is a lot like looking at the world through a kaleidoscope. You look at a set of elements, the same ones everyone else sees, but then reassemble those floating bits and pieces into an enticing new possibility.” The notion of forming new patterns from existing information or resources is so simple, yet something we might not normally consider doing.   Remember, if we want the end result to be different, our actions and decisions must also be different. However, the difference may come about by doing something as simple as tweaking what we already have.

 

Putting on a critical thinking cap will also help us look at things differently and begin to think differently about what we are seeing or facing. When one thinks critically, the situation is analytically evaluated.  This helps with bringing out different points of view related to the situation.  Challenge and analyze what the motivation for doing something is, what thought processes are being used in the decision making, and what conclusions are being derived.  Use reflection throughout the analysis.  Ask: Could I be wrong? What assumptions am I making?  Are the assumptions correct? Are there other explanations?  Other perspectives? Other viewpoints? Seek out evidence to support ideas, beliefs, and conclusions.

Sometimes something as simple as gaining a fresh perspective helps us think differently about something.  Visit someone or someplace to experience something different from the norm. This may provide new ideas or a way of taking the ‘kaleidoscopic piece’ of one’s life and helping with the rearrangement. Talk to someone who has a totally different point of view on the issue or situation. (Think of the story of the blind men and the elephant. Depending on what part of the elephant was touched, the perspective on what the elephant was like, differed. Look at the pieces of the situation in this manner to help gain other perspectives.)  Don’t overlook asking a child for his/her perspective on something.  Children are naturally unconventional thinkers. When trying to think differently, a young child’s take on an issue (presented to them in a way they would understand) might provide a spark of creativity that provides just what is needed for us to think in a new way.

Self-renewal is important for us to stay on top of our game, to be highly effective in all we do, and to achieve any resolutions we may have for the New Year.  As we begin this new year, do practice balanced self-renewal.  Pay attention to all four dimensions of being: physical, spiritual, social/emotional, and mental.  And, in particular, pay attention to the mental dimension and be open to new ways of thinking.  Only by doing so will be able to do things differently and give ourselves the potential to achieve our goals and dreams.  HAPPY NEW YEAR!

WHY CHANGE IS GOOD

 

Happy 2016! This is the first post of the New Year, and I thought it might be nice to present a list of 10 reasons why change is good.   This list will go well with all the other “top whatever number” lists that get posted and published at this time of year.   The items in this list are in no particular order (a task for you would be to rank them in order of importance to what is going on in your life). So, let’s begin. Change is good because:

IT BRINGS ABOUT NEW BEGINNINGS.   In previous posts, we’ve talked a lot about how endings bring about new beginnings. With change, we may close one aspect of our life only to open another one, one that may be challenging but also exciting and interesting. Harrison Ford said, “We all have big changes in our lives that are more or less a second chance.” The new beginning is a second chance!

IT ALLOWS US MOMENTS OF SELF-DISCOVERY. Every time something changes, we learn and we grow. New insights are gained. We discover things about ourselves that we never knew existed. Change actually makes us “smarter!”

IT STRENGTHENS US IN SOME WAY. All change makes us stronger in some way. Perhaps it is just strength to persevere in the face of whatever is happening. Perhaps it is finding the spunky side of ourselves to stand up for something.   Maybe it is just having the courage to step outside the comfort zone and experience what awaits us.

IT SHOWS US JUST HOW ADAPTABLE WE CAN BE. Our ability to adapt to the new in a changed situation is enhanced by change. We learn just how flexible we can be. We become more resilient to situations and are better able to handle life outside the comfort zone. We become better able to go with the flow.

WE GROW IN TIMES OF CHANGE.   Change often forces things to grow, progress, move forward. Without change, things merely exist. With change, things thrive and survive. As Tony Robbins said, “If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.” Change is learning and learning is growing and growing is living!

IT OPENS UP OPPORTUNITIES FOR US.   New and different choices come with change.   Possibilities, options, choices await us in the changed environment. Marilyn Monroe once said, “Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”

IT PRESENTS US WITH POSSIBILITES. This is particularly important when things aren’t going the way we would like them to. Knowing that nothing stays the same forever can give us the encouragement we need to keep going when things in our life are “stuck.”

IT GIVES US HOPE. Change gives us hope or that feeling of expectation and desire for something to happen.

IT ENERGIZES US. The newness of things seems to invigorate us; give us a renewed sense of energy and drive. Change has a way of energizing us to deal with or embrace things in the new environment.

IT FORCES US TO FACE (AND CONQUER) OUR FEARS. It is natural to fear the unknown which is the part of change that most of us are afraid of. We fear the loss of our routine and our comfort zone. But change forces us to face those fears head on and deal with them. And, in doing so, we are able to put those fears in their place and move onward and upward.

We may need change, whether it is minor, major, or seismic, to make way for the something new that needs to enter our lives. For the “new” to emerge, we must be willing to move  beyond our comfort zones – our familiar places; the places that make us feel safe and secure. It is only when we venture outside the familiar and safe that we grow. It may not be in our nature to move outside the comfort zone unless forced to do so, and when forced to do so, we often react to what is supplying the force (especially if what it is unexpected or unwanted): job loss, loss of a loved one, divorce, loss of one’s home… However, the best way to grow is to do things that scare you and challenge you.

We can’t stop the forces of change from happening. What we need to do is look for the bright side, the up side of change. If we look at change as an opportunity to renew ourselves, then we might be better able to accept it or at least roll with it. As someone once said, “Sometimes there are things in our life that aren’t meant to stay. Sometimes, change may not be what we want. But sometimes, change is exactly what we need. Change is a good thing.”   Indeed, change is a good thing even when appearances make it seem otherwise. We just need to be open to look for the good in it.

In this New Year, when change decides to knock on your door, answer that knock. Let change in. Embrace change.   Roll with whatever change brings your way. You will be on an adventure. Stay along for the “ride” for the long term. The results will be well worth it for you.

“NOTHING HAPPENS UNLESS FIRST A DREAM”

 

The title of this week’s post is a line from Carl Sandburg’s 1922 poem, Washington Monument at Night. The poem is a tribute to George Washington and the fourth stanza says, “The republic is a dream. Nothing happens unless first a dream.” In the early 17^th century, many left the shores of Great Britain and settled in what is now the United States seeking a land where they could practice their religion without fear of persecution. By the late 18^th century, many living in America (like George Washington) did, in fact, have a dream. The dream was to be independent from Great Britain and to have a ‘republic’ where those who made laws(especially those dealing with taxation) were made by people who could understand the needs of the colonists.

Dreams signify something about which one might fantasize; something for which one is ambitious; a desire; an aspiration. Dreams are very similar to hopes, but there is a subtle difference. Hope is where one wants or expects something, especially something that is likely to happen.

L.J. Suenens said, “Hope is not a dream, but a way of making dreams become reality.” To turn dreams into reality, we must have hope along with action. Dreams will stay dreams unless the object of the dream is turned into action. In the 17^th century, those in Great Britain who dreamed of religious freedom had to act on that dream (they left their country and traveled to a new land) to make it happen. In the 18^th century, those in America who dreamed of a country where those living in it were the ones who enacted laws that governed their life had to act on that dream (they engaged in a war when other means failed) to make it happen.

One way to turn a dream into reality is by setting goals (I am sure the Pilgrims and the founding fathers all had specific goals for what they wanted to achieve.) Goals are our plans for the future. Goals are what we are trying to achieve. When we set goals, we determine what result we want and then we put forth effort to achieve that result.

Why are dreams important when managing change and transition? With change, something becomes different. We are moved out of the comfort zone. Both our personal and professional lives can become unsettled. Dreams are a way of helping us deal with the unsettled nature of things. If we dream about something happening and really desire that to happen, we might work hard to make that dream come true. Dreams give us possibilities. Our dreams should be BIG; small ones cannot ignite the flames of enthusiasm, excitement, and passion. Remember, anything that can be imagined can become reality under the right circumstances.

 

Dreams help us navigate the waters of change and transition. On his 1991 album, Ropin’ the Wind, Garth Brooks, has a ballad titled The River. In this song, a river is used as a comparison to one’s dreams. In the first stanza, Brooks writes, “You know a dream is like a river, ever changin’ as it flows. And the dreamer’s just a vessel that must follow where it goes. Trying to learn from what’s behind you, and never knowing what’s in store makes each day a constant battle just to stay between the shores.” The chorus of the song tells us, “And I will sail my vessel ‘til the river runs dry. Like a bird upon the wind, these waters are my sky. I’ll never reach my destination, if I never try. So I will sail my vessel ‘til the river runs dry.” The second stanza continues, “Too many times we stand aside and let the waters slip away, ‘Til what we put off til tomorrow has now become today. So don’t you sit upon the shoreline and say you’re satisfied. Choose to chance the rapids, and dare to dance the tide.”

This song highlights the importance of pursuing our dreams. Brooks talks about never reaching one’s destination if one doesn’t even try. It is our dreams that provide the destination. Brooks talks about needing action to make the dreams a reality when he talks about not sitting upon the shoreline. And, Brooks encourages us to take on any challenges along the way with his words, “…choose to chance the rapids and dare to dance the tide.” Indeed, dreams are powerful and can set the stage for a new reality especially in a changed environment or situation.

So, whether you have a dream that will bring about a change in your life that you really want or whether you have a dream of something new and different because of a change that has happened in your life, you are moving in the right direction to controlling and managing change.

Remember, as Brian Tracy said, “you cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.” As we wind down 2015 and look forward to 2016, resolve to make dreaming one of your change strategies so that you will be able to better handle any change that comes your way in the New Year.

 

LOOKING BACK TO MOVE FORWARD

Happy 2015! Welcome to the New Year! Raise your hand if part of your transition to the change of the New Year was to reflect on 2014. My hand is up. I did spend time reviewing the highlights of the year as well as the challenges. One of the items in my reflection that was both a highlight and a challenge, and on which I am still reflecting, is my book Facing the Sunshine and Avoiding the Shadows: Strategies to Stay Sane and Positive amid Change, and the blog (which came about as a result of the book).

In my blog reflection, I took a look at what was covered (primarily so I could get a handle on where I wanted to go with it in this New Year). Wow! We covered a lot in 40 posts:  information on 35 strategies for dealing with change was shared.

I am big on the use of acronyms to help others remember ‘stuff.’ Sixteen of the strategies came from my book, Facing the Sunshine and Avoiding the Shadows: Strategies to Stay Sane and Positive amid Change, with PRESERVING SANITY as the acronym. Those strategies are: persistence, relationships, enthusiasm, sense of humor, ending something, roaming the wilderness, vision, irreverent thinking, negotiating roadblocks, giggling; savoring mistakes, “atta” persons, new style of thinking, innovativeness, taking risks, and you have to dream big.

Another 10 strategies can be found in the acronym BE POSITIVE: balance, eager beaver, passion, outlet, saluting others, inner child, transformation, ingenuity, vitality, and easy going.

SMILE contains five more strategies (self-esteem, modification, introspection, laughter, and exuberance) while CALM represented another four (can-do attitude, adapt, learn to let go, and moving forward).

                                                           

Did you happen to notice that the acronyms also provided a hint as to things we need to do when dealing with change?

We need to preserve our sanity and not let change get the best of us;

We need to be positive as an optimistic outlook will certainly help us navigate the change more successfully;

We need to smile since doing so helps us project a more positive image, calms us and reduces stress, and makes up feel happier; and,

We need to remain calm so we can maintain our perspective and not over-react.

In addition to strategies for dealing with change, we also explored what change is and why it is so difficult, the emotion of disappointment, the importance of concentrating on the positive, and the mindset of looking at change as an opportunity. And, four of the very early posts were “housekeeping” ones – who I am, why I wrote the book, how the book can be of help, and an overview of the book’s strategies.

Certainly this blog went well beyond the 16 strategies in the book. As I look to the blog and 2015, I will continue to focus on strategies that will help you deal with change. In addition, I want to look at how change makes us feel and how to deal with those feelings or reactions. And, I will be addressing topics that are coming from you, my faithful followers.  So, perhaps we all will be well served by ‘looking back to move forward.’  Continue  your reflection/introspection to help  you on your journey in this new year.

MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE WALL…

2014 will soon be a memory. Reflecting on the year that is about to end is not an uncommon activity. What were the good, the positive moments? What challenges did I face? Anything I need to do or should do differently in the New Year?

Reflection is a form of introspection which is the ability to examine one’s own thoughts and feelings; a time of contemplation. Introspection/reflection is also a strategy for dealing with change. Think about it. We are soon changing to a new year. And, every year at this time of year, most people do some soul searching, some reflection, some introspection. You’ve been using a change strategy without even realizing it!

For most, the New Year is nothing big. It is something that just happens. For some, it can represent a major or seismic change. If the change to the New Year is unsettling for you, the strategy of introspection is a good one to consider. Let’s explore how introspection or reflection can help us, whether at this time of year or when dealing with any change that brings some type of disruption to your life or comfort zone.

If change has entered your life and you are struggling, redefining, or exploring your role and purpose in the new situation, you may be able to add context or perspective to what is going on. The change can serve as an opportunity to redirect or renew who you are and what you will be in the changed situation. Ask yourself these questions:

AM I REACTING TO THE CHANGE OR AM I DIRECTING THE CHANGE?  Change won’t go away, but your attitude and reaction toward it will make all the difference in the world.

WAS I ON THE RIGHT ROAD? We have a way of “walking through life” only to find we’ve taken a “wrong turn” and are on the wrong road. We may have lost what matters to us and are following someone else’s goals. You many need to re-examine your values and priorities and realign them.

Introspection or that serious look at ourselves is not always an easy task. The following techniques may be of help on your journey of self-reflection:

Make self-reflection part of your daily routine. Reviewing and reflecting on what has happened, how whatever happened made you feel, and assessing your response to how you reacted will help you keep things in perspective. And, if self-reflection is part of your routine, when change does happen, reflecting on it will feel more natural.

Remain objective. Objectivity is vital if reflection is going to be useful to you. Truly look at yourself. Ask what happened? How did I react? What could I have done differently or better? What do I still need to do? In our reflection, we may catalog our mistakes and weaknesses along with our successes and strengths. Be careful not to dwell on the mistakes and weaknesses. In reflecting, there is no room for placing blame on self or others. It doesn’t matter what brought about the change. What matters is what you need to do differently to get through and manage what has changed.

Walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. Look at situations and issues from the perspective of others involved. This will help you uncover useful insights that take you beyond the walls of your own experience and may help you come up with ways to better deal with what is going on.

Be open to a variety of thoughts. Remember the wicked queen in Snow White who expected the response, “You are” when she asked, “Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Who’s the fairest of them all?” Self-reflection isn’t about knowing the answers before the question is asked or getting the answer we always want. It is about honestly and constructively assessing ourselves and the situation.

Make a commitment to take action. In your reflection, you will probably come up with ideas on what will work in the changed environment. The next step is to act on those ideas. Develop a plan of action and follow through on it.

Life is a journey. The process of self-reflection or introspection is the GPS on that journey. The process can reaffirm that we are on the right road or it can alert us that we need to “recalculate” where we are headed. You need to pay attention when your introspective GPS tells you to recalculate and do something differently. As you get ready for 2015, do take some time to ask yourself the questions in this post and prepare yourself for the change to the New Year. And, remember, should a life change come your way in the New Year, use reflection and introspection as one of your strategies to help you manage that change. As Carl Sandburg said, “It is necessary…for a man to go away by himself…to sit on a rock…and ask, who am I, where have I been, and where am I going?”