DEALING WITH DIFFICULTIES

British novelist and short story writer Phyllis Bottome said, “There are two ways of meeting difficulties:  You alter the difficulties, or you alter yourself to meet them.”  On our life journey, we will face many difficulties, many challenging situations.  Most of those situations or occurrences will be out of our control and out of our ability to alter them.  Which means, for most of the difficulties or challenges or hard times we face, we have to alter ourselves (our approach and our attitude) to meet them.

If we’ve learned anything from dealing with life during the Covid-19 pandemic, it is certainly that.  We have no control over that virus. We have no control over the restrictions placed upon us in attempts to mitigate the effects of the virus. (We may voice an opinion to local, state, or federal leaders, but we have no control over the decisions made.)    We also have no control over most change that enters our life, especially unexpected or unwanted change.  So, that leaves us with needing to look inward and draw upon our inner strength to deal with and overcome difficulties and challenges or as Ms. Bottome says, “…alter yourself to meet them.”   This week, let’s explore 14 strategies we can use to alter our approach and our attitude when dealing with life’s difficulties and challenging situations.

Never give up, give in, or lose hope.  We all have something inside of us that is greater than any challenge/obstacle/situation that we may encounter on our life journey.

Believe:  in ourselves and in our inner strength and resilience.  Remember strength doesn’t come from we can’t do but rather from overcoming that which we think we can’t.

Focus on the response to what we’ve been ‘dealt,’ not the ‘hand we’ve been dealt.’  It is how we move forth in the wake of everything that makes the difference.  Soar and move forward instead of wallowing in the situation.

Get real with what has happened or is going on.  A natural response is to avoid what we don’t like or begin denying what is going on.  Instead, acknowledge and accept what has happened then seek perspective on what is going on.

Center on what is important.  Activate Plan B if Plan A isn’t working.

Be resourceful and curious in seeking solutions and moving beyond the situation.

Maintain a positive outlook.  Even though things may be tough right now, look beyond and notice what is good.

Be patient.  In due time, we will be able to move beyond our emotions, put things in perspective, and enact our personal action plan.  Baby steps will get us where we need to go.  It may take longer, but our growth along the way will be worth it.

Move beyond fear.  Avoid worrying about ‘what might be.’   When we fear our struggles, they tend to consume us.  But, when we face our struggles, we tend to overcome them.  As Brené Brown (research professor at the University of Houston’s Graduate College of Social Work) says,“Show up, face fear, and move forward.”

Appreciate life as it is instead of how we want it to be.  We don’t always get what we want.  If we can be happy with what we have and work with it, we are in a better position to handle life’s most challenging or difficult circumstances when they come our way.

Release the emotions (cry, yell, scream…) then dig in and deal with the situation; develop a plan of action.  The aftershocks of the situation and the emotions will not remain forever; they will dissipate over time and with a plan of action, we will be able to move beyond and move forward.  Yes, it may be difficult and it may take time to resolve the situation and move on.  The important thing is to take the first steps to acknowledge, accept, and work the plan.

Eliminate absolutes like ‘never’ and ‘always’ (I will never get over this) from thoughts and replace with more relative, open words like ‘sometimes’ and eventually (I will eventually get over this).

Know that personal growth is a result of getting through the challenging situation. See it; believe it; achieve it.

Enlist the help of friends and family – those that are willing to listen and provide constructive ways to move beyond the situation.

When we can’t alter the difficulties and challenges that come our way, these 14 strategies will help us alter ourselves (our approach and our attitude) so that we are better positioned to deal with the hard times that join us on our life journey.   The challenging times we face give us an opportunity to learn and grow and become stronger.  That growth in itself is a good thing!!  And, anything else positive that comes from overcoming hard times is an added benefit to us.  Remember, it is when we handle life’s difficulties, overcome them, and move beyond them that life becomes meaningful!

“TAKE THE LIMITS OFF YOUR DREAMS”

On the May 3, 2020 episode of American Idol (an American singing competition television series), judge (and also a singer and songwriter) Katy Perry told one contestant to, “Take the limits off your dreams.”  What advice was she giving to this person?  I feel she was challenging this person to think beyond being a singer to thinking about being a recording artist and a performer.  She felt that this person had much more to give but that his mindset about what he wanted was actually holding him back from what could ultimately be.

For several weeks now, I have been reflecting on these thoughts and feel that we sometimes do the same thing.  We sometimes allow our mindset to hold us back from becoming more than what we are capable of being.  Why is that?  Some of it may be fear of the unknown and fear of failure.  We only go so far or do so much because we are comfortable at that pace and level.   But, we do need to take the limits off and sometimes just go for it.   Easier said than done, I know.  So, this week, let’s take a look at five things we can do to deal with a mindset that is not letting us take the limits off our dreams.

Push past the fear.  Whatever is causing the fear – the unknown, criticism, failure, mistakes – we need to be strong and push past it.  Put and keep things in perspective.  Use positive affirmations to boost confidence.  Talk things through with touchstones.

Think like a winner.  Believing that we can be great at whatever is half the battle.   That belief gives us confidence.  That belief steers us away from doubts which can immobilize us and turn our attention away from action and solutions. We need to replace the self-limiting tape that our mindset might be playing with a newer one that contains the truth – we are worthy to have our heart’s true desire.

Know what we want.  This isn’t about the how, only the what. In order to change our mindset we need a firm foundation from which to step. Understanding what and where we truly want to go in life will provide our vision and spirit – our foundation.   Having a vision for what we want and setting goals to reach that vision will help move our mindset beyond any limits that might be set.

Know who we are (mind, body, heart, spirit).  Mind:  what do we do well; what are we good at?  Body:  what role or need do we serve?  Heart:  what do we love to do?  Spirit:  what gives us meaning and purpose?  When we are true to ourselves, it is easier to develop a mindset that will lead us to a mindset that does not impose limits.

Practice positive self-talk.  We are what we think.  If we think negative, we will be negative.  If we think we can’t, we won’t be able to.  If we think we can, we will be able to.  If we repeat positive thoughts, our mind will begin to focus on what we want rather than on what we can’t do.  Feeding our mind positive will weaken the negative.

Keep going.  It is easy to start; many don’t finish.  We mustn’t let our fears sabotage our process.  We need to have a vision of our transformed self and let that be our motivation to keep going.  If need be, write down how the vision can be achieved, and then work diligently to achieve what will be.

Life and business coach, author, and motivational speaker Tony Robbins has thoughts that sum this topic up nicely.  He says, “How many years ago did you come up with what you could or couldn’t do in your life? Take a look at any area in your life where you have a limitation and ask yourself when you decided to accept that as certainty. For many of us, it’s these self-imposed limitations that prevent us from making any real progress in our lives. We have convinced ourselves that our status quo is exactly what we deserve, and we, in turn, base our identities around that – wherever people have their identity attached to, they live.”

He goes on to say, “If you want to create a new life for yourself, then you have to raise your standards. You have to let go of the limiting beliefs that keep you locked in complacency and start seeing each instance of uncertainty as a challenge to rise higher. Make progress a “must” for you. Refuse to settle for anything less. This will take practice – it’s not something that happens overnight. But the more often you adopt the thoughts, behaviors and rituals of a new identity, the more powerful your brain will become at finding ways to bring you there.”  Yes, indeed.  It is time to take the limits off our dreams, it is time to raise our standards and let go of limiting beliefs.   It is time of each of us to reach great heights!

INFINITE HOPE

While researching last week’s blog post on “Adjusting Expectations Helps Deal With Disappointment” I came across the following quote made in 1968 by American civil rights activist, Martin Luther King, Jr.:  “We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.”  Decades later, these words can be the mantra for everyone dealing not only with the results of the Covid-19 virus pandemic but with any frustrating situations we may encounter on our life journey.

Something that is finite has limits; it has a beginning and an end.  Whatever has us disappointed will eventually pass.   Something that is infinite is limitless; it does not have a beginning or an end.  Hope is indeed limitless.  Hope is when we believe tomorrow will be better.  It is the expectation of something beneficial in the future; it is a feeling of expectation and desire.  Hope is a motivator.  Hope helps us to keep going when times are hard.   Hope lets us know that no matter how bad things seem at the moment, no matter how dark, there will be something better and brighter around the corner.  Hope is like fuel.  It provides the ‘get up and go’ needed to get us where we need to go and to reach what we are trying to reach.  As Thich Nhat Hanh (a Vietnamese Buddhist monk and peace activist) says, “Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today.”

We all face difficulty and discouragement from time to time and sometimes we let those difficulties consume our thoughts and our being. When this happens, we often lose hope.  But, it is in those difficult, disappointing, or discouraging times that we must make hope the dominant response. We must remember that hope, because it is limitless, will always outlast disappointment.  Hope can and will make whatever we are dealing with in the present moment easier to handle and withstand.

Hope is something that we can nurture – care for and encourage the growth and development of – so when we need to draw upon our hope to help get us through a tough time, we will be ready to do so.  Some things we can do to nurture hope include:

REMAIN CONFIDENT in who we are and what we can do.

FOCUS ON WHAT WE CAN CONTROL like attitude, thoughts, actions, and our response to things.

BE RESOLUTE and draw upon our inner strength and staying power to go the distance to achieve our goals despite                                                   hardships and obstacles.

HAVE A POSITIVE ORIENTATION and look for the positive in any situation with which we deal.

MAKE THE MOST OF THE PRESENT MOMENT while working toward moving forward and accomplishing set goals.

 

HAVE AN ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE for what we do have instead of focusing on what is wrong or what is lacking.

LOOK FOR THE BLESSON (the blessing and lesson) in                                                                          everything we face.

MAKE NO EXCUSES and instead find ways to make things happen.

REFLECT ON HOW WE OVERCAME PAST CHALLENGES to give us perspective and a starting point with the current situation.

FOCUS ON SOLUTIONS and look to the strengths and skills we bring to the situation and how we can put them to the best use to move us forward.

REMAIN RESOURCEFUL in coming up with ways to move past frustrations and disappointments.

SURROUND OURSELVES WITH PEOPLE WHO WILL PROVIDE ENCOURAGEMENT, help us look at all sides of the current situation, and help us keep                                                                                  things in perspective.

If we follow the advice of Martin Luther King, Jr. and accept finite disappointment but never lose infinite hope, we will be in a much better and stronger position to take in stride those situations that may try to overwhelm, frustrate, frighten, and challenge us.  Our infinite hope will motivate and fuel us to keep moving onward and upward and forward no matter what.  Hope is a very powerful ally and one we should keep very close to us in all times. With hope, we will be able to deal with any challenge that comes our way.

ADJUSTING EXPECTATIONS HELPS DEAL WITH DISAPPOINTMENT

Seems like over the past few weeks, decisions that are out of my control have left me feeling disappointed.  I have felt disappointed that all the presentations I was to give this spring and early summer have been cancelled due to ongoing restrictions related to containing the spread of the Covid-19 virus.  I was disappointed to read that my state’s Governor decided to reopen the state by region instead of by county.  ( My rural county has a low number of Covid-19 cases  but the region it is a part of contains counties with several urban areas that have high numbers of cases.  I am disappointed because I think the reopening of our county will be delayed longer than I originally thought.)   I am disappointed that a state convention I was so looking forward to attending had to be cancelled because the convention hotel will not be reopened in time.

Disappointment is a feeling of sadness, dissatisfaction, or frustration because something did not turn out as expected; something hoped for did not happen; or, something was not as good as expected.  Oh yes!  Each of the situations causing me disappointment at this time fit the first two descriptors in this definition.   The saying ‘disappointment equals expectation divided by reality’ aptly describes my feeling.  Oftentimes, reality puts our expectations into perspective and sometimes that perspective isn’t what we had hoped for.

So, if our expectations are at the root of our disappointment then one way to deal with our disappointment is to adjust our expectations.  This week, I want to explore the concept of reframing as a way to adjust expectations so that we can deal with disappointment in a positive way.

Reframing is one’s ability to look at something in a new way, often with imagination, creativity, or a different insight.  Author, consultant, and speaker Lee Bolman in his book, How Great Leaders Think:  The Art of Reframing (2014), says, “At the simplest level, it’s changing perspectives – changing the way you look at something or trying to understand whatever you’re seeing or involved in.  I’ve been seeing things this way; let me change to a different way of thinking about it.”

So, in its simplest sense, reframing is using nontraditional thinking which is when we think outside the box, divergently, and innovatively.   Nontraditional thinking has us looking at situations more expansively; beyond the norm. When something happens that creates a change and that change brings about feelings of disappointment, nontraditional thinking has us looking at things not with the same ‘eyes’ as we used before the change, but with ‘eyes’ that are willing to see things differently and with a  mind willing to do things differently.

The key, then, to reframing is to make sure we are looking at things in a different light, from a different perspective.   We need to see things with “new eyes.”  We need to see events and situations as chances to learn and grow.  Gwen Moran, in 5 Ways To Change The Way Your [sic] Think About Negative Life Events, posted on August 4, 2014 offers five steps (they are in bold italics) to engage in healthy reframing (my thoughts on each are in regular print):

1. Examine your options (look at the bigger picture). If I look at my options for the three items I listed as causing me disappointments, it does help minimize my feelings of disappointment.  Cancelled presentations can be rescheduled.  Organizational leaders for the cancelled convention may come up with an alternative plan.   I have no control over the region in which I live and when restrictions may be eased.  I do have control over continuing to follow all the rules in the restrictive environment thus doing my part to ensure the eventual reopening of my region. 
2. Embrace your truth (don’t always believe the negative interpretation). We need to be true with ourselves over why we are feeling disappointed. Acknowledge the feeling but also look at ways to move beyond.  Look for the positive aspects in the situation. 
3. Pay attention to your feelings (seek out the truth that feels right and allows you to move on; ask what can be learned from the event). Once we come to grips with our feelings, we need to look at how we can learn from the situation and what we can do to create something new from or within the situation. 
4. Ask for help (talk to others). Sharing ideas on how to adjust expectations and reframe the situation with others is not only cathartic but can help in coming up with other ideas and points of view. 
5. Find a good story (the story should help you live effectively and feel good, achieve goals, and work for you and those around you). The story is the narrative we tell ourselves about the adjusted expectations and how we will use them to move beyond disappointment to something more positive, uplifting, and useful. 

There will be countless times along our life journey when something happens to cause us to feel disappointed and to say “This isn’t fair!”  Indeed, life isn’t fair.  But, it isn’t healthy to dwell on what may or may not be fair.  Instead, we need to focus on how to deal with what has come our way.  We need to readjust our expectations, reframing and viewing what has happened in a different, positive, and productive light.   We need to allow our mindset and our habits to create bridges so within the challenge we can see opportunity.   The more we can adjust expectations, the more we can reframe, then the more effective we will be in handling disappointment.

TO SOAR OR TO WALLOW?

American poet Carl Sandburg once said, “There is an eagle in me that wants to soar, and there is a hippopotamus in me that wants to wallow in the mud.”   I love the sentiment summed up in this statement.  I think most of us can relate.  Do we want to learn, grow, and move forward (soar like an eagle) or stay in our comfort zone (wallow in the mud)?

Brené Brown (who is a research professor at the University of Houston’s Graduate College of Social Work) defines a comfort zone as a place, “Where our uncertainty, scarcity and vulnerability are minimized – where we believe we’ll have access to enough love, food, talent, time, admiration. Where we feel we have some control.”  Our comfort zone is the environment (social, work, living) to which we’ve become accustomed.  In it, we are less stressed.  We know what to expect so we feel more stable, safe, and secure.  Our comfort zone makes the hippo in us happy.

While we may feel safe and secure in our comfort zone, it is a place that doesn’t invite learning and growth.  If we want to move forward in our life, we need to let the eagle in us soar.  Much good comes from soaring, such as:

• discovering what is possible because we are forced to try new things
• being given an opportunity to learn things about ourselves and to see ourselves in a different light
• learning that the world is a dynamic (vs. static) place
• turning dreams and goals in to reality
• moving forward to new beginnings
• becoming more productive
• having an easier time dealing with the unexpected
• making us more resilient
• pushing boundaries
• unleashing our creativity and resourcefulness
• broadening our horizons
• improving our self-confidence

There are times in life when the hippo in us takes over and we all get stuck and wallow, whether by choice or circumstance.   Some things we can do to move us from wallowing to soaring are:

Acknowledge we are wallowing.  At first, we might be reluctant to admit we are wallowing.  Denial doesn’t serve any purpose.  Resisting usually makes things worse.  If we can acknowledge we are stuck and not moving anywhere, that might motivate us to think about options to get us out of the situation.  Only when we acknowledge that we are stuck can we have the power to do something about it.

Keep the past in the past.  Oftentimes we wallow because we are afraid to let go of something. To get what we want, we must give up what is.  It is only with open hands that we can receive.  No matter how hard or difficult, we sometimes have to let go of something we feel is important or worthwhile if we are to move on.

Declutter.  Once stuff is put in the past, if there is any residue stuff still around, work on decluttering it. Get rid of distractions.  Get rid of the “should have dones” and concentrate on “what we are meant to do.”

Focus. The mind must be clear on what it needs to focus. Concentrate on what is most important or what appears to be the priority.

Keep the Faith.  Faith is a strong belief in something without proof or evidence At the end of the day when we are weary from all of the effort and energy we have expended and we are sore and tired from being ‘hit hard’ so many times, the one thing that tells us to keep going, to get up tomorrow and to keep moving forward, is our faith. Honor this and cherish it. Faith gives us energy and hope. And if you let it, our faith will deliver us to wherever we want to go in life.  When it is meant to be, it will happen.

Avoid being consumed by the issue.  When we wallow, we tend to get consumed by what is going on that makes us want to wallow.  Instead, we need to put the issue “on the back burner” and not actively think about it.  Take time to relax and let the subconscious get creative in mulling over alternatives.

Know what we want.  In order to move forward in life, we need a firm foundation from which to step.  Understanding what and where we want to go in life will provide our vision and spirit – our foundation.

Take small steps.  Don’t get overwhelmed if what we want to do or accomplish seems too big or seems like it will take too long.  Marathons are made up of one step after another after another.  It is fine to start with small steps.  Those small steps will eventually get us to where we want to be.

Wrap ourselves with positive. When wallowing leads to feeling stuck, that often comes with a lot of negative vibes.  We need to remove those negative vibes from our life. We should focus on the good, the positive, and invite positive people into our inner circle.

Ask for help.  We need not deal with our situation alone.  There are many people who would extend their hand to help in our time of need. All we have to do is ask.

There are times in our life when things may seem way too hard to deal with so we just give up; we quit; we wallow; we wrap ourselves in our comfort zones.   While our comfort zones are nice places and there is nothing wrong being in our comfort zone (and wallowing for a while) we don’t want to get stuck there.  Getting stuck there will hold us back from moving forth, learning and growing.  That is the worst thing we can do especially when we are dealing with change or transition.  We have to keep moving and keep moving forward.  When we move forward we make progress with something.  Moving forward is moving ahead and moving on.  Moving forward leads to soaring.  When we soar, we are opened up to many new vistas and to a side of ourselves we didn’t know existed.  We need to pamper the eagle in all of us and give it a chance to spread its wings and soar!

Stay safe and well in all ways.  Soar whenever possible!