ALL CHANGE COMES WITH A LOSS and ALL LOSSES COME WITH A GOODBYE

Like many writers, there are several ideas for stories, articles, and columns bouncing around in my head all the time.  Sometimes there are so many that it overwhelms the decision-making process for which one will rise to the top.  That was the situation I found myself in when I sat down to work on this week’s blog post.  And, as fate may have it, inspiration for the idea that made it to the top came from a phone call from a person I worked with 30 years ago, a person who served as my immediate supervisor, and a person with whom I have stayed in touch over those 30 years.

Thirty years ago, I had the privilege and pleasure to work with Dr. David Sam (who is currently the president of Elgin Community College in Elgin, Illinois).  We both moved on to pursue other post-secondary administrative positions at the same time.  We follow the personal and professional lives of each other.  So, it was no surprise to see Dr. Sam’s name appear on the incoming phone call.

What was a surprise was hearing a note of sadness in his voice, a sadness brought on by his wife having lost her battle with cancer.  My heart just ached and my eyes glistened with tears as he shared the news.  And, now, like those close to the Sam family, I am grieving her passing and I am grieving for Dr. Sam and his loss.

We all know that grieving is a very personal process.  There are stages, and processes, and tasks that accompany the grieving process.  And the amount of time it takes to work through those stages, processes, and tasks varies greatly person to person.  Common to all who are grieving any loss is having to say, in this life, that final goodbye to someone much loved.

Goodbye is a conventional expression used at parting.  It is a ritual, something done in a particular situation and usually in the same manner each time.  Saying goodbye is a routine that has meaning.  Saying goodbye, no matter the situation, helps us move on emotionally.  Goodbyes help lessen the pain we feel over someone’s departure, whether that departure is temporary (saying goodbye to a friend who is returning home after a visit) or permanent (saying goodbye to someone who has passed away). Goodbyes help strengthen the connection, the bond, we all feel with whomever has moved on.

No one ever said that goodbyes are easy.  In fact, they are hard and they take courage because they do signify the loss of someone or something.  As Charlie Brown (a character in the comic strip Peanuts created by Charles M. Schulz) said, “Goodbye always makes my throat hurt.”  Indeed.  Goodbyes, no matter the situation, can make not only our throat hurt, but our heart (from the ache of the loss) and our eyes (from the many tears that we shed).  But, saying goodbye is important when dealing with loss because it:

Gives us a sense of peace.  Prior to a loss, we are usually an “emotional mess.”  Saying goodbye brings a measure of freedom from being an “emotional mess” and allows us to move forth in a more tranquil manner.

Provides a sense of closure.  It does help with identifying the need to let go and move on.

Helps lessen pain.  Just the action of saying goodbye is cathartic.  Many goodbyes are accompanied by hugs which always seem to help no matter what the situation.

Strengthens connections with friends and family.  Dr. Samuel Mahaffy in a blog post on “Lingering in Relational Presence:  The Value of a Good ‘Good-by” says, “Good good-byes are relationship affirming.  They say ‘yes’ to that which endures and grows when we are apart.  By saying a good good-bye we affirm relational presence in our absence from each other.  Just as being present to each other is an art, so is saying good-bye well.”

Shows that we valued someone.  The care, concern, and role the person had in our life is acknowledged when we say farewell.

Signifies the start of something new; something different. While we may not have asked for the new or the different, a goodbye reaffirms something has ended and that we need to move on without that person’s physical presence, but instead, with warm and wonderful memories.

American novelist and nonfiction writer Katharine Weber has an interesting take on our life journey:   “Life seems sometimes like nothing more than a series of losses, from beginning to end.  That’s the given.  How you respond to those losses, what you make of what’s left, that’s the part you have to make up as you go.”    Indeed, how we respond to the losses in our life and what we make of what’s left is a challenge for all of us. 

I have found that saying goodbye helps us deal with the challenge of what is left.  We mourn what was and yes, we often have a tough time envisioning what will be.  But, we move on because our life journey continues to move on.  The path of that journey has undoubtedly changed and where it will now lead, we don’t know.  We can be sure that there will be more changes along the way.  More tears of sadness.  But, beyond the tears of sadness there is a new beginning with new possibilities. And with self-patience and self-kindness, we will eventually see the possibilities in that new beginning.

STRENGTH THROUGH STRUGGLE

If we reflect on our life journey, we can all come up with a time (or two or three or…) when we faced something difficult or challenging; when we faced adversity.   Many of these situations that come in the form of problems, difficulties, issues, obstacles, barriers, or hardships cause us to struggle when working through them.  The struggle can be physical such as cleaning up after a natural disaster or it can be emotional such as working through the aftermath of a loss.  No matter what the situation, we must work through it or around it in order to move forward with our life journey.  But, work through it we must for it is working through the struggle of the difficulty that we find strength.  The following story is a wonderful example of this.

One day, a girl came upon a cocoon, and she could tell that a butterfly was trying to hatch. She waited and watched the butterfly struggle for hours to release itself from the tiny hole. All of a sudden, the butterfly stopped moving–it seemed to be stuck.

The girl then decided to help get the butterfly out. She went home to get a pair of scissors to cut open the cocoon. The butterfly was then easily able to escape, however, its body was swollen, weak, and feeble, and its wings were underdeveloped. 

The girl still thought she had done the butterfly a favor as she sat there waiting for its wings to grow in order to support its body. However, that wasn’t happening. The butterfly was unable to fly, and for the rest of its life, it could only move by crawling around with little wings and a large body.

Despite the girl’s good intentions, she didn’t understand that the restriction of the butterfly’s cocoon and the struggle the butterfly had to go through in order to escape served an important purpose. As butterflies emerge from tight cocoons, it forces fluid from their body into their wings to prepare them to be able to fly.

Life forced the butterfly to leave its shell with a struggle so that it would become stronger and would be able to grow and develop.  If we were allowed to live without meeting difficulties, we would not be viable. Life gives us challenges to make us stronger.

Just as the challenges the butterfly faced before hatching helped it prepare to have strong wings, so it is with us.  The challenges we face along our life journey help us grow and become stronger.  There is often a reason behind our challenges, one we may not understand at the time of dealing with the challenge.  But, if we are patient with ourselves and are persistent, we will find the strength that we need to deal with the current challenge as well as future ones.

We should appreciate any challenge, any struggle, along our life’s path because these challenges, these struggles offer us opportunities to:

Determine what is important and what direction we really want to take. The challenge really offers us an opportunity to make changes or improve on something.

Re-evaluate ourselves, especially our goals, attitude, behavior, and priorities.  The challenge gives us an opportunity to ‘reset’ things in our life.

Develop new skills, experiences, and knowledge.  Challenges often force us to grow in ways we never thought possible.

Take control and focus on solutions rather than the situation/the challenge.  By doing this we do not give any power to the situation/the problem, but rather, give the power to working on solving and moving beyond the situation.

Learn how to enjoy the moment. Life is a series of highs and lows, but we can’t allow our lows to snatch our joy and dictate our feelings.

Trust ourselves to overcome future challenges.  If we can successfully get through whatever we are facing now, we can do it again with the next challenge.

Show ourselves that we can cope even when things are tough.  While the challenge may be tough emotionally and/or physically, our ability to get through it shows us that we do have the capability to persevere and cope.

Discover our inner strength and resilience.  We are stronger than we give ourselves credit and challenges show us just how much we can endure.

Relish in a sense of accomplishment when we overcome the challenge.  No matter how big or small the challenge is, getting beyond it brings not only a sense of relief but also a sense of accomplishing something.  Overcoming challenges makes us feel good and brings us joy.

Boost our confidence level.  Overcoming challenges increases the faith and belief we have in ourselves and our ability to handle whatever may come our way.

Feel empowered, motivated, and inspired.  The confidence we gain from overcoming challenges makes us feel more empowered and in control of our life.  The sense of control motivates us and inspires us to continue dealing with future challenges.

Be a role model for someone who may experience a similar challenge. Our actions and our growth may provide the inspiration for someone to tackle their challenge instead of falling victim to it.

To reap the benefits of the struggle we must deal with the challenge in a productive way.  According to the today is the day website, founded by Jennifer Bantchi, we can:

Remain Calm.   Acknowledge the emotions (hurt, anger, disappointment, frustration), but do not let them lead any actions.  Remaining calm, cool, and collected will keep us level-headed and will serve us better in dealing with the situation.

Remain Vigilant.  Once calm, stay calm.  Avoid, at all costs, becoming a volcano where the emotions just spew forth.  While we may not be able to control the situation, we do have control over our response. 

Respond, don’t React.  Responses are based in objectivity; reactions are based in emotions. 

Remember the Mission. Always keep the challenge, the situation front and center, and our goal of moving beyond it.

Reconcile.  Review what was said and done  to better prepare for similar situations in the future.

Kemi Sogunle (author and certified life coach) said, “The tests we face in life’s journey are not to reveal our weaknesses but to help us discover our inner strengths. We can only know how strong we are when we strive and thrive beyond the challenges we face.”  How true is that?  If we can remember to appreciate our struggles, our challenges, we will truly discover what we’re made of. We all have something inside of us that is greater than any challenge that we may encounter on our life journey.  We do grow in some way from all of life’s experiences we face and challenges we overcome.  That growth in itself is a good thing!!

“CHOOSE TO CHANCE THE RAPIDS AND DARE TO DANCE THE TIDE”

I was watching a program on the life of a famous football star.  The program contained clips of home movies of when he was young and in one he stated, “My dream is to be a famous football star.”  As he said those words a song of American country singer and songwriter, Garth Brooks, starting bouncing around in my mind.  The title to this week’s post is from that song, The River, which was on his 1991 album, Ropin’ the Wind.

In the first stanza, Brooks writes, “You know a dream is like a river, ever changin’ as it flows. And the dreamer’s just a vessel that must follow where it goes. Trying to learn from what’s behind you, and never knowing what’s in store makes each day a constant battle just to stay between the shores.”

The chorus of the song tells us, “And I will sail my vessel ‘til the river runs dry. Like a bird upon the wind, these waters are my sky. I’ll never reach my destination, if I never try. So I will sail my vessel ‘til the river runs dry.” 

The second stanza continues, “Too many times we stand aside and let the waters slip away, ‘Til what we put off til tomorrow has now become today. So don’t you sit upon the shoreline and say you’re satisfied. Choose to chance the rapids, and dare to dance the tide.”

This song highlights the importance of pursuing our dreams, which are things about which we might fantasize; our desires; our aspirations (like the young boy dreaming about being a famous football star).  Brooks talks about never reaching one’s destination if one doesn’t even try. It is our dreams that provide the destination. Brooks talks about needing action to make the dreams a reality when he talks about not sitting upon the shoreline.  And, Brooks encourages us to take on any challenges along the way with his words, “…choose to chance the rapids and dare to dance the tide.” Indeed, dreams are powerful.  Dreams give us possibilities. If we dream about something happening and really desire that to happen, we might work hard to make that dream come true (just as the young boy in making his dream of being a football star a reality).

Someone once said, “Hope is not a dream, but a way of making dreams become reality.” To turn dreams into reality, we must have hope along with action. Dreams will stay dreams unless the object of the dream is turned into action.  Some ways to turn a dream into reality include:

• BELIEVING  in the dream.
• Setting goals.  When we set goals, we determine what result we want and then we put forth effort to achieve that result.
• Developing the skills necessary to achieve the goal.
• Doing something every day that moves us toward the goal.
• Staying focused and avoiding distractions.
• Being flexible.
• Being patient.
• Having a positive outlook; avoiding naysayers and energy vampires.
• Quieting the negative chatter in our heads.
• Surrounding ourselves with mentors and supportive people.
• Picking ourselves up if we fall flat on our face.
• Celebrating progress along the way.

Moving our dreams to reality should be a priority for all of us.  On our life journey, we can remain on the shoreline (our comfort zone) and let our dreams be just that, dreams.  But, if our destination on our life journey is connected to our dreams (just as the young boy’s, the future football star, was) then to reach it, we must try.  We must do things that will move us toward fulfilling our dreams.  The path(s) we take when pursuing our dreams will rarely be straight. Like a river that bends and twists, so will the path we take.

Despite all the twists and turns, pursue our dreams we must.  “Nothing ventured, nothing gained” is sound advice here.  We have to get off the shoreline; we have to venture.  We will sometimes have to take calculated risks (chance the rapids and dance the tide).  We may have to negotiate roadblocks (often found in the ‘rapids’).  We at least need to give ourselves every opportunity to try and reach our dreams.  Eleanor Roosevelt (former first lady of the United States)  said, “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.”  Set the stage for your future.   What will you do in the coming days, weeks, months to turn your dream into a reality? 

THE BEAUTY OF LETTING GO

I live in a part of the world where we experience all four seasons, each providing distinct sights and experiences.  Winter is often cold with snow and ice and days where darkness begins around 4:00 PM. Many plants and even some animals are dormant during this season.  Spring weather is warmer with many rainy days and the darkness begins to recede.  Flowers bloom and trees bud; hibernating animals slowly wake up. Summer brings hot, humid days and darkness delays its arrival until around 9 PM. Plant and animal life is in full swing.  Autumn/fall brings cool, crisp days.  Leaves on the trees explode with color before descending to the ground.  It is a time when plants and trees grow dormant and people and animals prepare for the upcoming colder weather.

Autumn/fall is my absolute favorite time of year.  I love the cooler, crisp days, and I love how the landscape is transformed into a work of art with the vibrant reds, oranges, and yellows with which the leaves on the trees grace us.  And I know that those vibrant colors will not be around forever, that the colors will mute and the trees will eventually need to let those leaves descend to the ground.  I am fine with all of that because as someone said, “The trees are about to show us how lovely it is to let things go.”

It is natural for trees to let go of their leaves each autumn.  However, letting go is something that is not natural for many of us; it is something with which most of us struggle.  We struggle because letting go is a very emotional experience for us.  Letting go is usually associated with the loss of something –  loss of familiar routines, loss of a familiar way of doing something, loss of a relationship, perhaps even loss of control, space, power, social/role identity, or influence.  Yes, letting go is something with which we struggle.  Yes, letting go can be difficult.   But, just at the trees let go of their leaves in preparation for what is to come in the spring – a rejuvenation of sorts – so to can we let go of whatever we’re holding on to so tightly so that we can create space for something new, make room for growth (our own rejuvenation), make room to move on; move forward.   

We can:

Deal with emotions that may be making it difficult to let go.  Our emotions underlie the difficulty of letting go and moving on.  It is important to acknowledge any emotion we may feel:  anger, disappointment, regret, resentment, sadness, denial, shock, frustration, resistance, panic, or other emotional response.  However, it is vital that we not let the emotional response control us and paralyze us. At some point, we need to work through the emotion and we need to create situations for positive emotions and feelings to sprout and grow.

Practice a relaxation technique to help regulate the emotions we are feeling.  Creating a calm inner peace will help in dealing with the situation and with resulting emotions.  Implement whatever works for you:  meditation, prayer, deep breathing, guided imagery/visualization, mindfulness, progressive muscle relaxation, rhythmic exercise, walking, journaling, listening to music, etc.

Accept our past and what has happened but learn from our own history.   The lessons we learn will help us let go.  We need to use those lessons to help us grow and move forward. 

Reflect on what was, what is, and what we want to happen.  Understand how all the pieces created the whole, but recognize that not all the pieces will fit into what is the new.  As when building a puzzle, there are many factors that determine if a piece will fit into a given space.  We can’t force something into a given space.  It is the same with life. Sometimes we just have to let go of one “piece” so the right one, when it comes along, will fit.

Recognize that it is time to let go and move on.   Each us rides the roller coaster of grief anytime we deal with any kind on loss.  When it is time, we will know when to depart that roller coaster and begin moving forward with life.  And when we choose to let go, it means that we have gained the strength to say ‘I won’t let the things weighing me down continue to keep me down.’  (This is different from saying ‘I can’t do this anymore.’  Can’t do is a sign of giving up.  We need to strive for letting go and moving on instead of just giving up and staying put.

Ride the wave of momentum.  When we hang on to what was, we are resisting change and growth.  But, if we let go, the momentum of the moment will take over and will take us to new possibilities and opportunities. 

Focus on the present moment.  When we live in the present moment, we are mindful of what is happening now.  We are neither distracted by the past nor preoccupied with the future.   The present has so much to offer, but if we continually focus on what was, we will never be able to see what is.  And if we can’t see what is, it will be difficult for us to move on with our lives in a productive, satisfying way. 

Be positive.   We need to do our best to start each day on a positive note.  Think this is going to be a great day!  Take everything in stride.  Look for the positive in all that is going on.  Smile.  Laugh.  Try to eliminate as many negatives from thoughts, words, and actions as possible. 

Visualize our goal.   If what we are holding on to doesn’t help us reach our goal, it is definitely time to let go.

Focus on what is truly important.  We need to make a list of all the things that are most meaningful, most important to us.  Begin to let go of “stuff” in our lives that doesn’t make the list; this is the “stuff” that interferes with us letting go and moving on. 

Someone once said, “There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.”   This is the message the trees give us every autumn.  While it would be wonderful to hold on to all those colorful, beautiful leaves, the trees release of those beautiful leaves serves as a reminder of the beauty of letting go what no longer serves a productive purpose.  Sometimes we need to let go of something so that we can have a new beginning.   We need to let go of those things that are holding us back from a vital, vibrant, relevant, happy, productive, and satisfying life.  Remember, what we let go of gives us the opportunity to make room for new (and sometimes better) growth.

“OPTIMISTIC OCTOBER”

Each month the Action for Happiness* group puts out a monthly, themed calendar.  Optimistic October is the theme for October 2023 and the group shared, “Hope is possible, even in difficult times. You can be a ‘realistic optimist’ this month by taking small positive steps and helping others.” I love the topic of optimism and have written much on it over the years, all of which bears repeating given the challenging nature of the world in which we live.

Since I, by nature, am an optimist I was immediately intrigued by the concept of realistic optimism.  I learned from the work of Dr. Mara Karpet, a licensed clinical psychologist, that a realistic optimist:

• Assesses reality and imagines probable outcomes.
• Imagines what could become possible and works to make that a reality.
• Knows that action needs to be taken in order to achieve goals.
• Focuses on the best actions to take to achieve goals.
• Is aware of challenges.
• Overcomes challenges and obstacles.
• Works at accepting things that cannot be changed.
• Embraces the idea that “this too shall pass.”
• Is able to handle situations even when things don’t work out the way one wished.
• Believes s/he can succeed and works hard to do so.

Realistic optimism is a mindset, one closely aligned with a growth mindset.  The term growth mindset was coined by Stanford University researcher Carol Dweck to describe beliefs regarding personal qualities such as ability and talent. According to her research, those with a growth mindset perceive ability and talent as starting points which can be further developed with effort, dedication, and persistence.

A growth mindset allows us to be more creative and come up with ways to deal with what life is handing us. We are much more flexible with our thoughts and are able to reframe what is going on around us.  And, since working hard to achieve what we want isn’t an issue with a growth mindset, handling challenges isn’t so daunting.  Realistic optimists believe in their capacity for growth (a hallmark characteristic of a growth mindset) setting the stage for them to assess what is going on, envision the possibilities, and move forward to make the possibilities a reality.

So, realistic optimism sets the stage for the approach we take when dealing with life and especially when dealing with challenges.  If we go into a situation expecting the best possible outcome, we are more likely to have a positive result.  When we have an optimistic outlook we think in a positive way and act with positive energy. 

Some ways for us to set the stage to become realistic optimists include:

• Maintaining a positive attitude
• Practicing positive self-talk
• Seeing life as it is, but focusing on what’s good
• Believing that things can change for the better
• Taking note of and assessing challenges
• Approaching challenges with a problem-solving attitude (think of ways to overcome any challenges and outline how that might be done)
• Doing something constructive to improve a difficult situation
• Taking things in stride
• Expecting the unexpected and being prepared to deal with it
• Maintaining perspective about what is going on
• Exercising our sense of humor (this is a very effective coping mechanism and an easy stress management technique)
• Working hard, persisting in efforts, when dealing with challenges
• Working through the daily tasks in Action for Happiness’s Optimistic October calendar

Louise Hay, author of The Power is Within You, has talked about us being “masters of our own minds.”  It is possible for all of us to be realistic optimists.  When times and situations are challenging, if we think something can happen or is attainable, we are more likely to do things or position ourselves to actually make happen what we would like (or end up with something close to what we want).  Realistic optimism empowers us and helps us focus more on constructive approaches to deal with issues and view challenges and obstacles as opportunities.  It keeps us moving forward in the face of difficulties. It can lift us up when the situation looks dark, and it can energize us when we are tired.  Perhaps a dose of realistic optimism is just we need take when dealing with our life journey’s next challenging situation.

*Action for Happiness is, “…a movement of people committed to building a happier and more caring society. We want to see a fundamentally different way of life – where people care less about what they can get just for themselves and more about the happiness of others.”  To help them achieve their goal, the group provides ideas and resources to enable people to take action at home, at work, or in their community.  For more information, go to actionforhappiness.org.