KEEPING THE WONDERFUL IN LIFE IN PERSPECTIVE

In his new book Life is Messy, author and motivational speaker, Matthew Kelly writes, “Life is messy, but it isn’t just a mess.  Life is also wonderful.  But this is the perspective that departs us when we are in the thick of the mess.”   Isn’t this the truth?    Have you ever had what you would consider a great day going on and then something no-so-good happens?  It seems that not-so-good moment then colors everything that follows as well as all the great that came before it.  Why is that?  Why do we let the messy times in our life overshadow the wonderful? 

Psychologists say the reason for this is that the not-so-good (or negative) moments have a greater impact on our brains than the wonderful (or positive) moments.  And, the psychologists call this negative bias (or negative attention bias).  The focus on the not-so-good or the negative actually reshapes our perception into perceiving things as negative (and dwelling on them) causing us to miss all the wonderful going on. 

One might think that just shifting to a “positive bias” would solve the issue of the messy overshadowing the wonderful.  Unfortunately, it isn’t that easy.  But, there are some things we can do to minimize negative bias.  We can:

BE AWARE OF THE NEGATIVITY BIAS.  Just be cognizant that the messy, the not-so-good or negative moments have a greater impact on our brains, so when the messy seems to dominate our thoughts, take a moment to reflect on what happened/is happening. Determine how much time and energy needs to be devoted to the situation.   Avoid getting mired down in the messy.

LET GO OF THE ‘MESSY’ MOMENT.  It is the holding on to and the rehashing of whatever was said or done that creates the ‘bad’ moment that gives it life – that gives it the power – to overshadow the wonderful.  To move on with things and to recognize the wonderful, we must give up what is – give up the ‘messy’ moment.  The sooner we are able to do this, the sooner we can move forward with things in perspective.  Remember, the ‘messy’ moment is just that – a moment.  It is but one part of our day; it doesn’t define the whole day; it is not the whole picture.

EXPECT TWISTS AND TURNS.  Life is unpredictable and messy things are bound to happen.  Melissa Chu (who helps people live better and build good habits at Jumpstart Your Dream Life) advises, “…if we learn to expect the unexpected, we’ll spend less time resisting life’s inevitable curveballs and more time proactively dealing with them.”

KEEP THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE.  It is important to look at the messy moment and how it fits into the bigger picture.  Keeping the messy moment in context can help with this.   Self-help author Karen Salmansohn offers some wonderful advice, “PLEASE keep in mind that whatever you’re going through, this challenging time in your life is merely IN your life.  It is NOT your WHOLE life.  So be sure to keep this SLICE of your life in perspective and don’t let it overwhelm you.  REMEMBER:  Nothing is everything.  The part is not greater than the whole.” 

CHANGE THE MINDSET.  We need to be careful with our self-talk.  When we find ourselves focusing on the messy or interpreting things in a negative way, we need take a moment to remember the wonderful and to reframe our thoughts in a more positive orientation. 

LIVE BY THE ‘THIS TOO SHALL PASS’ MOTTO. It is vital that we do not dwell or get lost in the messy side of life. Yes, acknowledge the messy, the negative, but don’t let that define things. Know that “this too shall pass.” Move beyond and look for the wonderful, the positive. Doing so gives us power and control over the messy, helps us remember the wonderful, and helps us move forward with our life journey.

PAY ATTENTION TO THE GOOD GOING ON IN OUR LIVES.  Because the not-so-good (or negative) moments have a greater impact on our brains than the wonderful (or positive) moments, we need to give more attention to the wonderful, the positive, the good things happening in our lives.  Focus on the moment and how it makes us feel; get that planted in our brains.  The more we do that, the more we will be able to combat negativity bias.

REDIRECT OUR ATTENTION.  When the wonderful departs us because of the messy, we need to do something that will distract us from the messy; something that will make us feel uplifted and joyful.  It could be something as simple as baking one’s favorite item, taking a walk, reading a book…whatever activity brings a smile to our faces and our hearts.

MAINTAIN A GRATITUDE JOURNAL.  Research from the field of positive psychology indicates that keeping track of the things for which we are grateful (and writing them down) helps take our mind’s focus away from negativity bias.  Our gratitude journals should focus on people (instead of things), pleasant surprises that come our way, and the blessings in our life.

RELAX.  Relaxation techniques are a great way to reduce anxiety and worries.  When we are more relaxed, we will be able to keep things in perspective, looking at the situation a little more rationally.  Creating a calm inner peace will help in dealing with the situation and with resulting emotions.  Implement whatever works:  meditation, prayer, deep breathing, guided imagery/visualization, mindfulness, progressive muscle relaxation, rhythmic exercise, walking, journaling, listening to music, etc. 

VENT TO FRIENDS.  Friends and family provide a measure of stability that is most helpful when dealing with messy/challenging situations.  They listen, they encourage, they provide suggestions and advice, and they are just there to provide whatever support may be needed.   Our friends and family can also help us put things in perspective and help us stay focused. 

Since negative bias affects our decision making, relationships, how we view things, and perception of others, it behooves us to do what we can to minimize it.  If we can, then the messy in life won’t overshadow the wonderful so much, making for a better life journey.

THE TAPESTRY OF LIFE

Three weeks ago, my soon-to-be five-year-old twin great godchildren visited.  Playing with them brought back memories of playing with their dad, one of my godsons, when he was a youngster.   Their Grammy Karen (my godson’s mom) had also come along for the visit.  She and I have been friends for a very, very long time so I was flooded with memories from our many years of adventures.  This led me to reflecting on my life journey and the adventures I have had with my many friends.

While I was in my reflective mode, the first stanza of singer songwriter Carole King’s song, Tapestry, was bouncing around in my head:

“My life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hue,
An everlasting vision of the ever-changing view,
A wondrous woven magic in bits of blue and gold,
A tapestry to feel and see, impossible to hold.”

Indeed.  All of our life journeys are very much tapestry-like.  So this week, let’s explore our journeys from the viewpoint of King’s words.  “My life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hue.”  Let’s think of a tapestry as a grid composed of threads that are woven to create a picture or a design.  Many tapestries have variegated (many different colors) and/or complex details.   So our life journey is one that is rich with, abundant with, a variety of colors (royal hue).  These colors represent our experiences and our feelings about them. 

Since the only constant on our life journey is change, our tapestry is “An everlasting vision of the ever-changing view.”  If we think of our life journey as a roller coaster ride, we know that the ‘cars’ on the coaster go very fast and that the view we see from the ‘car’ is but a glimpse of all that is around us.  And, just like the roller coaster ride, there will always be ups, those times when the journey is filled with joy, happiness, laughter, smiles, special moments, celebrations, blessings, and opportunity.   There will always be downs, those times when the journey is filled sadness, heartache, disappointment, hardship, obstacles, challenges, and lessons.  The view changes on a daily basis but the culmination of experiences looked at in total help give us the vision of journey.

“A wondrous woven magic in bits of blue and gold” relates to all the sad, negative, and challenging experiences (bits of blue) we’ve encountered as well as all the happy, positive, rich experiences (bits of gold) that have come our way.  Our life journey is the result of all experiences and feelings; all the good, all the challenging, all the positive, all the negative.   I think we often want to remove many of the bits of blue in our tapestry.  However, without those bits of blue (no matter how difficult they were) our tapestry’s beauty and meaning would be diminished.  It is through those challenging moments that we learn and grow.  Those challenging moments help us look at ourselves in a different light and lead us to many self-discoveries.

Rick Warren (an American evangelical Christian pastor and author) said, “Life is full of contrasts. We go through mountains, and we go through valleys. We go through successes, and we go through failures. We have wins, and we have losses.  In weather, there are four seasons. But in your life, there are dozens of different seasons. And every season of life includes both good and bad times.”  While we may think we want a life full of only ‘bits of gold,’ in reality, a healthy life journey needs to be full of contrasts (full of bits of both blue and gold); full of ups and downs, for it is in the contrasts that we grow, challenge ourselves, learn, see things more clearly, learn to seek balance, and see the bright side of things. 

Because there is so much change on our life journey we end up with “A tapestry to feel and see, impossible to hold.”  In the scheme of things, much of what happens along our life journey is fleeting.  There are some aspects of life that we physically have with us for a long time, but there are many more that become memories of events, experiences, and feelings.  All that happens to us happens for a reason.  Oftentimes, we are unable to discern that reason in real time, but over time, we may be able to see the place an event or experience has in the journey.

To help us create our “tapestry of rich and royal hue,” let’s remember to:

Appreciate the present moment.

Maintain perspective.

Move forward always; only look back to see how far we’ve come.

Do all the good we can.

Engage in thoughtful reflection.

Relax.

Be responsive to things instead of reactive.

Separate what is under our control from what is not.

Be open.

Be willing to “soul search” to determine if we are moving in the right direction or taking the appropriate course of action.

Relax.

Be positive.

Look for opportunities in each situation.

Look for the rainbows; something beautiful often follows a storm.

Maintain our sense of humor even in the most difficult of times; smile and laugh.

Know what we want out of life; know where we want to go.

Relax.

Keep true to our vision; believe in ourselves.

Hold strong to our values.

Cherish memories in our heart.

Listen to our inner voice; do what we feel is right.

Avoid having regrets.

Relax.

Ask questions.

Venture beyond the boundaries of our comfort zone once in a while.

Believe that everything happens for a reason (even if it isn’t understandable at the moment).

Have a network of people to whom we can turn in times of need.

Embrace change.

Relax.

Our lives truly are a tapestry full of “rich and royal hue.”   The “bits of blue and gold” woven into each of our tapestries is what makes our lives so full, rich, and magical.  Both the blue and gold moments are vital to our life journey.   As Anne Bradstreet (an English poet and writer in 17^th century North America) said, “If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant. If we did not taste adversity then prosperity would not be so welcome.”  Indeed, it is the blue and gold moments, the ups and downs, the peaks and valleys of life that make our life interesting, meaningful, and worthwhile.    If our life journey was monochromatic, we would have little growth and variety.  We need to be grateful for the blues and golds for it is in them that we learn and grow and become multi-dimensional beings that make a difference in the world.   We need to appreciate the beauty of our tapestries; our life journeys.

LET’S FIND OUR WAY BACK TO A BETTER TOMORROW”

I happened to catch a Pepsi commercial on television that said, “While responsibly reminding viewers that Covid-19 remains a health risk in the United States and that health guidelines still need to be followed, Pepsi wants us to find our way back to a better tomorrow.”   I love that sentiment to find our way back to a better tomorrow.  

As many Covid-19 restrictions are being lifted in many places around the world, we are all beginning to venture out of our comfort zones and resume activities that were once part of the pre-pandemic society.  Just being able to resume usual activities in a more “normal” way has already made a better tomorrow for many.  However, our better tomorrow happens within a new normal, the current state of being after some dramatic change has occurred.  And adjusting and reorienting ourselves to how things are now takes a transition, the inner process we go through to come to terms with the change.

There are a few things we can do to adjust and reorient ourselves to our new normal, things that help make our tomorrows better.  We can:

GIVE IT TIME.  Our minds tend to adjust over time. We gradually adjust to what has changed; what is new.  So, it is important to be patient and give the changes time to become the new normal.  Take it one day at a time.

FOCUS ON WHAT IS PERSONALLY IMPORTANT AND MEANINGFUL.  If we let what is important and meaningful to us guide what and how we do things, we will always be working from a solid foundation.  This helps provide clarity to all we do and helps us align our actions with our values and priorities.  We are always in a better position when things in our life are aligned and balanced. 

BE OPEN TO LEARNING AND GROWING.   Motivational speaker and self-development author Brian Tracy has said, “You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.”  The shift outside our comfort zone and into a new normal forces us to try new things.  This gives us an opportunity to learn things about ourselves and to see ourselves in a different light.  What we learn can set the stage for a better tomorrow.

UNLEASH OUR INNER ARCHEOLOGIST.  Anthony Robbins (self-help author and motivational speaker) said, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.”  We will never know what is possible or what we are capable of unless we leave the confines of what is comfortable and known.  How can we move forward unless we are willing to open new doors and try new things?  Indeed, we will never know what we are capable of doing; we may never reach our full potential unless we venture beyond the boundaries of our comfort zone and give the new normal a chance.  Our willingness to move forward in a new way can help with a better tomorrow.

USE OUR STRESS AS A CALL TO ACTION.  Yes, having to deal with a new normal (especially once outside of our comfort zone) does generate the stress response and does raise our anxiety levels.  And, if we stay in a state of stress or remain anxious, we may encounter a lot of negative physical, emotional, or psychological “side effects.”   HOWEVER, a small amount of stress may move us to “action mode” which may help us deal with whatever changed and may help us create something positive in the new normal.  Being in the new normal and outside our comfort zones may feel awkward, weird, and uncomfortable, but that isn’t always bad.  A lot of good can come from outside the comfort zone and in the new normal.

DOUBLE DARE OURSELVES.  What we fear in the new normal is only there because the “survival portion” of our brain is trying to protect us.  Create a list of those fears, of that scary stuff.  Then ask, what is the worst thing that can happen?   Create a resolution list for each fear and its worst possible outcome.  We will find that the scariness of the situation really isn’t so foreboding.  We need to dare, no double dare, ourselves to face and work on those fears.

DON’T GIVE UP!  When things get tough or scary or overwhelming there may be the desire to just quit or give up.  Avoid acting on that desire.  Stay the course, become resolute, and keep going; persist.  Remember, “In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins. Not through strength, but through persistence.” (Unknown)

FOCUS ON THE PANDEMIC POSITIVES.  Assess the “personal positives” that came out of the pandemic and determine how each is helping in finding our way back to a better tomorrow.  This will be vastly different for each of us.   There were five pandemic positives for me:

• Doing things differently.
• Growing from being outside my comfort zone.
• Strengthening relationships through more connection and collaboration.
• Learning new skills.
• Becoming more empathetic for what others were going through.

Many of the things I did during the pandemic are now becoming a part of my new normal.  Thinking of them brings a smile to my face and happiness in my better tomorrows.

Finding our way back to a better tomorrow means that we need to stay open to the possibilities that present themselves each and every day.  Indeed, it may take a long time for us to discover who we really are and what we are to do in our new normal.  It is out of the excitement, the confusion, and the fear that new ideas, new discoveries, and reorientations and creativity take center stage and help propel us toward something we might be able to accept, something that makes sense out of the change, something that will put us on the path to better tomorrows.

“JUMP BACK UP JULY”

The title for this week’s post comes from the Action for Happiness group and it is their theme for this month.   Each month, the Action for Happiness group puts out a themed calendar. This month’s is titled “Jump Back Up July.”  The calendar was sent with the following message, “This month’s theme is all about resilience and understanding how we can build skills that will help us to bounce back. We can’t always predict or control what life throws at us, but we can build a range of skills and nurture our resources to help us respond flexibly, effectively deal with challenges, recover more quickly and even learn and grow as a result.”

Resilience is a timely topic as we move into post-pandemic days.  We are headed into days where we all need to bounce back from restrictions, many of which changed how we live, work, and interact.  Why is resilience an important ability and something that should be one of the strategies available to help us stay sane and positive amid change?  Resilience helps us remain healthy and helps us to cope with changes, challenges, and pressure.  People who lack resilience tend to become overwhelmed by change, challenges, and pressure.  They tend to dwell on the negative, on problems, and these people experience more stress and recover slower from change, challenges, and pressure.  People who are resilient still experience difficulties in life; they still experience stress.  However, resilience gives them a tool they can use to deal with whatever is going on.

This week, I would like to explore seven “keys” to being resilient; the “keys” that make us think of putting this tool to use when the unexpected enters our life.  I also want to share with you the Action for Happiness calendar and the day-by-day things it offers to help us all “jump back up” this month.

Keys to being resilient are:

HAVE HOPE.    Hope is a feeling of expectation and desire; the expectation that something good/beneficial will happen in the future.  Hope is a motivator; it helps to keep us going when the times are hard or look bleak; it stops us from giving up or giving in.   Hope lets us know that no matter how bad things seem at the moment, no matter how dark, there will be something better and brighter around the corner. 

USE POSITIVE SELF-TALK.  Replace negative thoughts and words with positive ones, words that make us feel happy and in control.  Negative thoughts, negative people will drain our energy.  Concentrate on positive thoughts with positive results. Being positive and surrounding ourselves with positive people will energize us.  When we are upbeat, energetic, and optimistic, we will feel it and so will those around us. 

FIND SOMETHING POSITIVE IN EVERYTHING.  Look for the opportunities within the situation; the challenge.  Find a sense of purpose within or from the situation.  There is a positive aspect in everything.  In every person, in every situation, there is something good. Most of the time, it’s not all that obvious. We have to look.

FOCUS ON GRATITUDE.  We can also have an attitude of gratitude for what we do have.  Instead of focusing on what is wrong or what is lacking, we can be grateful what we do have in the moment.  When we live with an attitude of gratitude our entire attitude toward life will change.  

VIEW OBSTACLES AS NOTHING MORE THAN CHALLENGES.  If something isn’t going great, if there is a roadblock in the way, view it as a temporary setback.  It doesn’t have to put a negative slant on everything.  We need to rise to the challenge and put our creativity to work in overcoming the obstacle.  Remember, challenges in life make us better.  

MAINTAIN CONTROL (over the situation, our thoughts, and our actions).  Maintaining control (especially over our response to the situation) will help with good decision making which will help with overcoming challenges the unexpected has brought us.  Remember, respond rather than react.  Adopt a positive, empowered, “I will get through this” attitude.  Choose to be proactive in a positive way.

BE PERSISTENT.  Persistence is dogged determination, tenacity, and perseverance. It is the ability to keep on going no matter what one may be facing or how one feels about the situation.  Persistence helps us maintain action and helps us produce results.  While there may be comfort for us in the past or the old, we can’t get rooted in it. We need to be able to continually move forward despite the difficulties created by the change. Persistence helps us become resolute in doing this; it gives us the resolve to go on; it provides the drive.

To “jump back up” this July, in addition to using the seven “keys” presented here, check out the daily activities on the Action for Happiness calendar.

Nelson Mandela (President of South Africa from 1994 to 1999) said, “Do not judge me by my success; judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again.”  Getting back up and not giving up is exactly what we need to do when faced with a challenge, whether a challenge from everyday life or one that change puts in our path.   The more resilient we are, the more effective we will be in handling  the unexpected,  challenges, change, setbacks, adversities, and the twists and turns that we encounter in our life’s journey.   Let’s all “build a range of skills and nurture our resources to that we can jump back up” this July and beyond.

Note:  Action for Happiness is “…a movement of people committed to building a happier and more caring society. We want to see a fundamentally different way of life – where people care less about what they can get just for themselves and more about the happiness of others.”  To help them achieve their goal, the group provides ideas and resources to enable people to take action at home, at work, or in their community.  (For more information, go to actionforhappiness.org)