CHANGES and TRANSITIONS

I have the honor and privilege of serving as the coordinator for the DKG Pennsylvania State Organization’s annual convention.  DKG is a professional honor society of key women educators in the United States, Canada, Europe, Latin America, and Japan whose mission is to promote professional and personal growth of women educators and excellence in education.   In its 95 years of operation, DKG has seen much change both externally and internally.  These changes extend to the state organizations and many changes were seen and felt at this year’s Pennsylvania state convention.

Throughout the event, as convention coordinator, I would ask participants how the convention was going for them.  I was very pleased to hear all the complimentary responses and not at all surprised to hear concerns about anything that was changed; there definitely was a note of discontent by some members to the loss of what they consider “traditional ways of doing things.”  

William Bridges, a noted leader in the field of managing change, would label the loss of the “traditional way of doing things” as CHANGE.  Not having those things were events that happened to convention attendees; they were situational.  And dealing with those changes was like hitting the proverbial brick wall for many.  This brick wall seemed insurmountable to them and it blocked the road to their convention experience.  All who hit the brick wall think, “How do we get over this?”

Well, we get over the brick wall, the change, by going through TRANSITION which is what we experience as we internalize and come to terms without those “traditions” as a part of convention. (Readers, substitute something that is happening or did happen to you that you would classify as the change and subsequent transition.)   It is important to note that both change (the physical aspect) and transition (the psychological aspect) involve ending something.  Most of us think/feel that change is hard (and no doubt it is), but oftentimes it is the transition that is even harder.  I know for me it is and I think it is because the transition is the inner process through which we come to terms with the change.  It is when we let go of how things used to be and reorient and adjust ourselves to how things are now.

This inner process is the road we take to moving on and getting over the “wall” but it takes time especially since it has three distinct stages:

• Endings
• Roaming the wilderness (or what William Bridges calls the “neutral zone”)
• Our vision (or what Bridges calls our “new beginning)

As William Bridges says, “I am not suggesting that this is a path that you wanted to take or that you will necessarily find it enjoyable. I am saying that it is a path with meaning for you, that following it will bring you out somewhere. What I am saying is that since change is a wall and transition the gate in that wall it’s there for you to go through it. Transition represents a path to the next phase of your life.”   Since many of us may be in some stage of transition right now, I want to take some time to explore the three stages in the hopes that through the exploration, we all might find some ideas to help us better handle the transitions in our lives.

ENDINGS.  The “endings” stage begins with a “triggering event” where we experience a loss of the old life.  As a result of the loss, we may feel:

• Disengaged – where we are removed from life as we know it and are now separated from the familiar.
• Disenchanted –  where we become disillusioned and let down by things that once brought us happiness
• Disoriented – where we feel lost, confused, empty, and without direction. 

When we are in this “endings” stage, we need to ask and answer ‘what needs to be let go?’   As Bridges says, “To cross over the line into the transition, you need to ask yourself what inner relinquishments you’ll need to make because of the change. What needs will you have to find other ways to get met? Because of the change, what parts of yourself are now out of date?”

WILDERNESS or NEUTRAL ZONE.  The wilderness is a place where the old and the new overlap.   It is a place outside of our comfort zone.  It is a place full of possibilities and we may become excited or overwhelmed by the possibilities we see.  We may experience confusion.

Time in the wilderness gives us the opportunity to:

• explore why we are so resistant to the change
• look at the possibilities and opportunities
• explore options
• work through the confusion
• face our fears and work through them
• work through being uncomfortable with the new
• question ourselves, what happened, and next steps

VISION or NEW BEGINNING.  The old or former merges with the ideas from the wilderness or the neutral zone and becomes transformed into a new identity, understanding, value, or attitude.  After negotiating the neutral zone/wilderness, we do need direction so that we can be successful in our new beginning.  Vision provides this direction.  Vision is the image of what we want the future to look like.  The vision provides purpose and meaning and in doing so, gives hope, enthusiasm, importance, and inspiration to what we want to accomplish or what we want to be.

William Bridges sums things up nicely when he says, “Without a transition, change is just a rearrangement of the furniture.”  We must allow ourselves to travel the path of transition and experience the process.  We must integrate the change into the fabric of our being and really examine how it affects our core.  Only in doing this will we be able to move forward.  Only then will we be doing more than just rearranging the furniture.

EARTHLY GUARDIAN ANGELS

The brother of one of my friends was recently involved in an automobile accident.  While he was injured she commented, “It could have been much worse.  I believe his guardian angel was watching over him, keeping him safe from much worse injuries.”  The guardian angel to which she referred is a celestial being who guards over, protects, and guides people.

That got me to thinking about non-celestial angels who occasionally do the same thing, our friends.  In a way, our friends serve as earthly guardian angels. Because our life journey will include many bumps, rough patches, challenging moments, detours, and changes along the way, our friends and family provide a measure of stability that is most helpful when dealing with the bumps associated with our life journey.   They anchor us, they listen, they encourage, they provide suggestions and advice, and they are just there to provide whatever support may be needed. At times, they may even protect and guide us. They do not hold us back but rather provide us the necessary support to keep moving forward.

Our friends act as earthly guardian angels when they:

• Help us cope with traumas (loss of a loved one, serious illness, divorce…)
• Celebrate the good times and provide support during the challenging times
• Drop everything to be right beside us when necessary
• Reduce our stress
• Encourage us to change or avoid unhealthy habits
• Provide quiet strength for us
• Make us feel better about things (and can do so with just a smile)
• Share positive vibes
• Ignite positive energy
• Provide hugs (often just at the right moment)
• Take away feelings of loneliness
• Provide emotional support
• Remind us what we mean to them and others (which improves our self-confidence and self-worth)
• Help us seek solutions to situations
• Remind us of the importance of the present moment

Our earthly guardian angels provide us with a measure of collaboration, connection, and coalition when dealing with life situations.  If a friend and I are in the maze together working on our own to find the way out, we would struggle because we can’t see what is ahead or around a corner.   However, if  we worked together, one getting on the shoulders of the other, perhaps we could see over the barriers of the maze and give directions like, “Turn right and then right again and we’ll be out…”  This type of collaboration or coalition is value added; it is synergistic in the sense that the two of us created a result that would be different from or greater than what each of us could have done individually.   What a positive and productive way of dealing with challenging life moments.

French-German physician and philosopher Albert Schweitzer said, “In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.” Yes indeed.  And our earthly guardian angels are ones who definitely rekindle our inner spirit.  They do this by what they give us – an experience, an idea, the encouragement, the strength – to handle the blessings and the challenges along our life journey.  They do this by protecting, helping, and guiding us through life’s challenging moments.  We need to thankful for all of our earthly guardian angels who always seem to “have our back.”

SHARING HAPPINESS THROUGH ACTS OF COMPASSION

I was touched by the following story by author Kent Nerburn, The Cab Ride I’ll Never Forget, which has been making the rounds on Facebook: 

There was a time in my life twenty years ago when I was driving a cab for a living. It was a cowboy’s life, a gambler’s life, a life for someone who wanted no boss, constant movement and the thrill of a dice roll every time a new passenger got into the cab. What I didn’t count on when I took the job was that it was also a ministry. Because I drove the night shift, my cab became a rolling confessional. Passengers would climb in, sit behind me in total anonymity and tell me of their lives.

We were like strangers on a train, the passengers and I, hurtling through the night, revealing intimacies we would never have dreamed of sharing during the brighter light of day. I encountered people whose lives amazed me, ennobled me, made me laugh and made me weep. And none of those lives touched me more than that of a woman I picked up late on a warm August night.

I was responding to a call from a small brick fourplex in a quiet part of town. I assumed I was being sent to pick up some partiers, or someone who had just had a fight with a lover, or someone going off to an early shift at some factory for the industrial part of town.  When I arrived at the address, the building was dark except for a single light in a ground-floor window. Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a short minute, then drive away. Too many bad possibilities awaited a driver who went up to a darkened building at 2:30 in the morning.

But I had seen too many people trapped in a life of poverty who depended on the cab as their only means of transportation. Unless a situation had a real whiff of danger, I always went to the door to find the passenger. It might, I reasoned, be someone who needs my assistance. Would I not want a driver to do the same if my mother or father had called for a cab?

So I walked to the door and knocked.

“Just a minute,” answered a frail and elderly voice. I could hear the sound of something being dragged across the floor. After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman somewhere in her 80s stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like you might see in a costume shop or a Goodwill store or in a 1940s movie. By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The sound had been her dragging it across the floor.  The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.

“Would you carry my bag out to the car?” she said. “I’d like a few moments alone. Then, if you could come back and help me? I’m not very strong.”  I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm, and we walked slowly toward the curb. She kept thanking me for my kindness.

“It’s nothing,” I told her. “I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated.”

“Oh, you’re such a good boy,” she said. Her praise and appreciation were almost embarrassing.

When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, then asked, “Could you drive through downtown?”

“It’s not the shortest way,” I answered.

“Oh, I don’t mind,” she said. “I’m in no hurry. I’m on my way to a hospice.”

I looked in the rearview mirror. Her eyes were glistening. “I don’t have any family left,” she continued. “The doctor says I should go there. He says I don’t have very long.”

I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. “What route would you like me to go?” I asked.

For the next two hours we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they had first been married. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. Sometimes she would have me slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, “I’m tired. Let’s go now.”
We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. Without waiting for me, they opened the door and began assisting the woman. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her; perhaps she had phoned them right before we left.  I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase up to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

“How much do I owe you?” she asked, reaching into her purse.

“Nothing,” I said.

“You have to make a living,” she answered.

“There are other passengers,” I responded.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held on to me tightly. “You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,” she said. “Thank you.”

There was nothing more to say. I squeezed her hand once, then walked out into the dim morning light. Behind me, I could hear the door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.

I did not pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly, lost in thought. For the remainder of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away? What if I had been in a foul mood and had refused to engage the woman in conversation? How many other moments like that had I missed or failed to grasp?

We are so conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unawares. When that woman hugged me and said that I had brought her a moment of joy, it was possible to believe that I had been placed on earth for the sole purpose of providing her with that last ride.  I do not think that I have ever done anything in my life that was any more important.

I was touched by the compassion the cab driver had for the woman; that attitude of unconditional acceptance for a situation or person as they are without judgment or the expectation of something else.  By definition, compassion is an emotion that is a sense of shared suffering, most often combined with a desire to alleviate or reduce the suffering of another; to show special kindness to those who are suffering.

The cab driver was quite moved by the experience with the woman being left with the feeling of having done something of the utmost importance.  That is one way having compassion for others helps us.  Other ways include:

• Increasing happiness, fulfillment, and wellbeing
• Uplifting everyone around us
• Improving social and spiritual relationships
• Improving health by strengthening the immune system, normalizing blood pressure, lowering stress and depression
• Motivating action; it is contagious and spreads outward inspiring further acts of compassion and kindness (pay it forward chain reaction)
• Enlarging our perspective (and shows us our commonality with others)
• Helping us learn more about and understanding ourselves

Dalai Lama XIV (Tibetan spiritual leader) said, “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”  Ways that we can practice being compassionate include:

• being compassionate with ourselves (especially in forgiving our mistakes)
• being selfless
• listening to others fully and without judgment
• thinking before we speak or act
• encouraging others
• expressing our emotions; smile sincerely, cry when sad, laugh if appropriate
• sending meaningful messages
• showing kindness
• showing empathy
• being an advocate
• volunteering

Just as the cab driver in the story brought the woman a moment of joy, he was rewarded with a moment of joy that will last him a lifetime.  Being compassionate does indeed not only have a profound effect on others but also on those who show compassion to others. Let it be our goal this week and beyond to brighten our lives and the lives of others through our daily words and actions but also in showing compassion when the situation calls for it. 

“DETERMINATION DESIGNS DESTINY”

Author Abhijit Naskar tells us that “Determination designs destiny.”  While many feel destiny – those things that will happen in the future – can’t be controlled, I believe we do have some control over our destiny by the choices we make and by taking responsibility for our thoughts and actions and the outcomes or consequences of each.  Examples of determination designing destiny can be seen time and time again in those that overcome what seem to be insurmountable challenges to reach something they really desire.

Take the story of Matthew, a young man whose mother is sharing his incredible story in her presentation, “Peace Corps Volunteer to Successful Teaching Career: Matthew’s Story.”  Through Matthew’s story she introduces us to an amazing young man and his amazing family.   Matthew was diagnosed with a genetic disorder as a toddler.  Growing up, he had to overcome challenges as a result of the disorder, the least of which was the taunting by his peers because he was “different.”  Despite being told he was not college material, Matthew attended college to become a guidance counselor.  Not only did he earn his Bachelor’s Degree, but he also completed a Master’s Degree. He worked with the Peace Corps in Bulgaria to start his career, returned to work in inner-city schools in Philadelphia, PA, USA, then moved to Alaska USA and worked with children in the bush before his passing in 2022.

Matthew’s story is one of determination.  Like Matthew, when we are determined to do something, we are motivated to succeed.  When we are motivated to succeed we get done what needs done; we are able to achieve our goals and objectives.  We are successful because when we are determined, we become hopeful, resilient, persistent, and courageous.   Determined people also have a strong support network around them, helping and cheering them on every step of the way.  Let’s look at how these traits can help us, as they did Matthew, in overcoming challenges and in designing our destiny.

HOPE.  Hope is the expectation of something beneficial in the future; it is a feeling of expectation and desire.  Hope is a motivator; it helps us to keep going when times are hard.   Hope lets us know that no matter how bad things seem at the moment, no matter how dark, there will be something better and brighter around the corner. 

Keys to nurturing hope include:

• Remaining confident.
• Being resolute.
• Having a positive orientation.
• Making the most of the present moment.
• Focusing on what we can control.
• Having an attitude of gratitude.
• Reflecting on how we overcame past challenges.
• Remaining resourceful.
• Focusing on solutions.
• Surrounding ourselves with people who will provide encouragement.

RESILIENCE.  Resilience is our ability to bounce back from a challenging situation.  Resilience helps us remain healthy and helps us to cope with changes, challenges, and pressure.  Those who are resilient still experience difficulties in life; they still experience stress.  However, resilience gives them a tool they can use to deal with whatever is going on and then move on.

Keys to being resilient are:

• Having hope.
• Using positive self-talk. 
• Finding something positive in everything; looking for the opportunities within the situation; the challenge. 
• Focusing on gratitude; instead of focusing on what is wrong or what is lacking, we can be grateful what we do have in the moment. 
• Viewing obstacles as nothing more than challenges.
• Being persistent.

PERSISTENCE.  Persistence is dogged determination, tenacity, and perseverance. It is the ability to keep on going no matter what one may be facing or how one feels about the situation.  Interestingly, facing a challenge is a prerequisite for having to hang it there; for having to persist.  And, as we know, we will all face challenges along our life journey.  Persistence helps us maintain action and helps us produce results.  Persistence helps us become resolute in moving forward; it gives us the resolve to go on; it provides the drive. 

Keys to being persistent are:

• Remaining resilient.
• Having patience.
• Being determined so we can continue trying to do something although it may seem very difficult.
• Having confidence in ourselves and our abilities.
• Maintaining hope.
• Being committed to do what it takes to achieve what we want.
• Remaining optimistic.
• Having supporters who will stand by us providing encouragement.
• Having the courage to keep moving forward no matter what.

COURAGE is the mental or moral strength to face fear or danger or to persevere in the wake of adversity with confidence and resolution.  Those who are courageous are brave; they are not deterred by danger or pain. 

Courage comes from within us and we need to be able to unlock it within.  Keys to doing so include:

• Having persisted.
• Believing in ourselves.  
• Acknowledging our fears.  
• Letting go of the familiar. 
• Moving past worry. 
• Having a can-do mindset.
• Talking to someone.

STRONG SUPPORT NETWORK.  A network is a group of people who provide us with practical or emotional support. When facing challenging times, a support system can help us stay focused, positive, and action oriented.  For most of us, it is our informal support system of family, friends, partners, role models, and mentors to whom we’ll first turn, but there are also  formal support groups and professionals who we can turn to for whatever support we need whenever we are experiencing life’s ups and downs.

Keys to an effective support network include:

• Being open to share what is going on.
• Being open to constructive suggestions.
• Surrounding oneself with positive, empathetic, trustworthy, compassionate people; those who genuinely care about what we is facing.
• Knowing everyone’s boundaries.
• Receiving emotional, spiritual, practical, and informational assistance.

Author Roy T. Bennett says, “Your hardest times often lead to the greatest moments of your life. Keep going. Tough situations build strong people in the end.”  Indeed.  Matthew faced many tough situations in his life all of which helped him become a very strong and determined person, one who took “you will never” statements as a challenge to do just the opposite. We need to always remember that anything is possible so even when things seem grim, we shouldn’t count ourselves out.  We need to believe in ourselves and have hope, be resilient, be persistent, have courage, and engage with a strong support system.  And we need to remember Naskar’s words of “Determination designs destiny.”