CHANGE CAN BRING TURBULENT TRANSITIONS

One week before the start of spring 2024, my little corner of the world experienced sunny days with temperatures in the high 60s and low 70s F.  The grass began to green; trees began to bud; and, the daffodils were in full bloom.  Two days before the start of spring 2024, the sky in my little corner of the world was gray, temperatures struggled to hit the mid-30s F, and snow danced on the winds that blew, leaving a dusting of snow on the greening grass and the beautiful daffodils.

In my little corner of the world, this weather is not unusual when the season changes from winter to spring.  In my part of the world, spring-like weather is characterized by milder temperatures and rain; however, it is not unusual for winter-like weather to persist – temperatures in the 20s and 30s F and more solid precipitation like snow, sleet, or freezing rain.  It’s like each season is struggling for control – spring, ready for its new beginning, embracing the change; winter not wanting to let go, resisting the change.

Isn’t this similar to what happens when a change enters our life?  I feel we do indeed find ourselves in transition just like the seasons.  Just as winter resists the change and doesn’t want to let go of what was, so often we do the same. We often want to hold on a little longer just as winter does.  But, shades of the change exert themselves and little by little we find ourselves moving from what was to what will be.

This struggle between what was and what will be is the transition stage of change.  It is a wilderness (or a neutral zone as change expert William Bridges calls it) where the old and the new overlap.  Turbulent is a great word to describe our time in the wilderness of transition because we are all over the place and struggling for control.  One day, we seem to be moving forward only to find ourselves sliding back the next day.  (Think sunshine and temperatures near 60 F one day and a gray sky, temperatures in the low 20s F, and six inches of snow the next.)

But, the beauty of the wilderness and our time spent there is that we get to work through the turbulence of the transition; we get to work out our resistance to the change.  This week, we will explore some ways that this happens.

Time in the wilderness gives us the opportunity to explore why we are so resistant to the change. I have to note that resistance to change is normal, but we need to move beyond it.  We can’t let it drive us.  We need to spend time taking a hard look at what is causing us to want to hold on to what was.    Be honest in the assessment.  (Often we find that control is at the heart of our resistance.  So, looking at what we can control and what is out of our control is most helpful.)

Resistance in the beginning stages of dealing with change can act as a protector (from dealing with the unknown and from making decisions in haste).  Staying in a state of resistance only limits us so we do need to move beyond it.  We do this by looking at the possibilities and opportunities we have in the changed environment.  It may take a long time for us to discover who we really are and what we are to do in our changed environment.  Time in the wilderness helps us explore options.  It is out of the excitement, the sense of being overwhelmed, the confusion, and the fear that new ideas, that new discoveries, reorientations and creativity take center stage and help propel us toward something we might be able to accept, something that makes sense out of the change, something that will put us on the path to discovering what we are to be in the new environment.

Change usually brings about the loss of something (a loved one, a way of life, familiar routines, etc.) and fear usually accompanies loss.  Resistance is common when we face a loss.  It is natural to want to hold on to what we are used to, what we love, what brings us comfort.  Wandering the wilderness gives us time to face our fears and to work through them.

We get to work through being uncomfortable in the wilderness.  When in the wilderness, we have given up something with which we were once very comfortable, but we have not yet become comfortable with the “new place.”  If we get scared enough, we may be tempted to fall back on the former, the old; we may try to slip back into our comfort zone. This is all normal and natural.  In fact, time in the wilderness is not linear.  It is more like start, stop, loop back, move forward, step back, surge forward.   Time in the wilderness is more spiral – or cork screw-shaped than linear or one dimensional.  (Think again of the turbulent transition of the seasons.)

While in the wilderness, we question everything:

• Ourselves (Who am I?  What purpose do I now serve?  What about this change makes me so uncomfortable?)
• What happened (What was this change all about?  What was lost?  What was gained?  What do I like about the change?  Why am I so resistant to the change?)
• Next steps (What comes next?  What is my new reality?)

Coming up with answers to these questions helps us sort through everything and come up with a plan for moving forward.  Through the answers we are able to identify all the reasons why we are so resistant to the change and within those answers we find the key for embracing the change and moving on with our life journey.

Change (the situational event) is hard but the transition (the emotional response to the change) is even tougher.  Most transitions can be turbulent especially the time spent in the wilderness (or neutral zone).  But, time in the wilderness is well spent and when the journey there is finished, we will be ready to move on and make a successful new beginning.

William Bridges sums things up nicely when he says, “Without a transition, change is just a rearrangement of the furniture.”  We must allow ourselves to travel the path of transition and experience the process.  We must integrate the change into the fabric of our being and really examine how it affects our core.  Only in doing this will we be able to move forward.  Only then will we be doing more than just rearranging the furniture.

MOVING BEYOND FEAR TO FIND OUR BRILLIANT SELF

This week I’d like to talk about the wilderness zone.  No, not something we’d find on the reality show Survivor but that place we find ourselves in on our life journey after some type of change has occurred; that place in between a change and our new beginning.  That in between place is the transition stage of change and I call it the wilderness because it can be a wild, unsettled place (change expert William Bridges calls it the neutral zone).

It is wild and unsettled because the old and the new overlap.  It is unsettled because we are all over the place and struggling for control.  One day, we seem to be moving forward only to find ourselves sliding back the next day.  It is a place where we often feel frightened, confused, and scared.  Author Marilyn Ferguson sums it up nicely when she says, “It’s not so much that we’re afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it’s that place in between that we fear. It’s Linus when his blanket is in the dryer. There’s nothing to hold on to.”

If a change causes us to lose the person, place, or thing that was our security blanket, our comfort zone, it is easy to see how fear can enter the picture.  Fear is a primitive emotion that acts as an internal early warning system.  Fear is ‘activated’ when something threatens our well-being.  That something could be a bully, a predator, a dangerous weather situation, or just something unknown and new (like what may follow a sudden, unexpected change).  Fear is healthy when it prompts us to do something that removes us from a harmful situation.  However, fear is not healthy nor is it helpful if it holds us back from moving forward especially in times of change.

After ending something and letting go, we have probably entered the wilderness if we:

• are fearful, worried or concerned especially about the future;
• have a feeling of being lost and scared of making a wrong decision or choosing the wrong path;
• feel confused;
• sense that the change is a good one, but we just don’t know how we are going to make it work;  
• are excited and overwhelmed by the possibilities after ending something or letting go;
• have a strong desire to try something different; and,
• question ourselves (Who am I?, What purpose do I now serve?), what happened, and the next steps (What comes next? What is my new reality?).

Why, if this neutral zone, this wilderness is so “wild” and further engenders confusion and fear is it important when dealing with change?  It is because out of the confusion and fear, new ideas, new discoveries, reorientations, and creativity take center stage and help move us toward something we might be able to accept, something that might make our life better.  It is because in this zone of transition that we find ourselves.

Some “travel” tips while roaming the wilderness include:

• Take time to face our fears and to work through them; work through all that feels uncomfortable.
• Talk, talk, and talk some more.  Talk about feelings, fears, frustrations, anxieties, and ideas.
• Engage in new activities. We are outside of our comfort zone in the wilderness so chances for growth to take place are plentiful. 
• Explore options and look at the possibilities and opportunities.
• Experiment with the ideas that come to the surface. 
• Reward and reinforce any and all efforts to keep moving forward. 
• Be patient and take sufficient time to work through the thoughts, ideas, and suggestions.
• Be observant.  Watch for “footprints in the snow” or those signs of how things are evolving.  Capitalize on the moments of creativity.
• Set short-term goals.  Where do things need to be in a day?  A week?  At the end of the month?  What should things look like in a day, week, or month? 

There is no doubt that the wilderness is a scary place; it is often uncomfortable in the wilderness.  When in the wilderness, we have given up something with which we were once very comfortable, but we have not yet become comfortable with the “new place.”  If we get scared enough, we may be tempted to fall back on the former, the old; we may try to slip back into our comfort zone. This is all normal and natural.  In fact, time in the wilderness is not linear.  It is more like start, stop, loop back, move forward, step back, surge forward.   Time in the wilderness is more spiral – or cork screw-shaped – than linear or one dimensional.  But, time in the wilderness is well spent and when the journey is finished, we will be ready to move on and make a successful new beginning. As motivational speaker and author Matthew Kelly says, “It is often in the middle of nowhere, lost and confused, when nothing makes sense, that we find ourselves and come to know ourselves in new and brilliant ways.”

LESSONS ON CHANGE FROM THE BUTTERFLY

When change is upon us, the butterfly provides wonderful symbolism for the metamorphosis we all go through.  In recent leadership training sessions I have been conducting, I shared the following 10 lessons on change that the butterfly teaches us.  (This information is a revised repost of a June 2015 article.)

LESSON #1:  EMBRACE CHANGE.   To embrace change means we are accepting of it. Nothing is permanent; change happens all the time.   Before change happens, remember that some things go and are replaced by new things.  This is a fact of life.  And, with some change, it is necessary for the old, the former to go so that the new can come.   For a caterpillar to become a butterfly it must change. 

LESSON #2:  ALL CHANGE BEGINS WITH AN ENDING.   All change begins with some sort of loss.  To get what one wants, one must give up what is.  “It’s the end of the world,” said the caterpillar.  “It’s the beginning of the world,” said the butterfly.

Lesson #3: LET GO OF THE PAST. In order to be able to fully let go and embrace what change brings, the acceptance of the loss, of the end of the current, is vital. We need to let go of the past in order to accept change and adjust to life so that we can remain optimistic, creating the future we want. We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty. The caterpillar must be let go before the butterfly can become.

LESSON #4:  WE MUST SPEND TIME IN THE “WILDERNESS;” THE NEUTRAL ZONE.    In our lives, the wilderness or neutral zone comes after a change has occurred and we have ended something and let go.  This is a place when the old and the new overlap.   For the butterfly, this is the pupa stage of its transformation.  This is where a larva encapsulates itself into a shell-like structure that hangs from a twig or branch.  Inside the structure, the insect is rapidly changing; transforming.  It is in the wilderness of the change process that we, too, begin our transformation into “something new.”  It is here that new ideas, new discoveries, reorientations, and creativity take center stage and help propel those undergoing the change toward something they might be able to accept; something that might make their life better.

LESSON #5:  COME OUT OF THE COCOON.  The cocoon is the comfort zone of the caterpillar/butterfly.  Just imagine if the caterpillar never emerged from this state of its change?  We would never have the beautiful butterfly.  Yes, change can be frightening.  Getting moved out of our comfort zone is unsettling.  We feel safe and secure when “wrapped” in the zone. But, we will never know what is possible or what we are capable of unless we leave the confines of what is comfortable and known.  The shift outside our comfort zone gives us our “wings.”  We can only fly once we are willing to give up the safety of our cocoon.  And, like the butterfly, we have the strength and hope to believe that, in time, we will emerge from our cocoon, transformed.

LESSON #6:  TRUST THE FUTURE.  Today a caterpillar; tomorrow a butterfly.  Don’t lose hope because you never know what tomorrow will bring.  We need to embrace the opportunity to pursue our vision, our dream, and our goals! 

LESSON #7:  UNFURL OUR WINGS.  Never underestimate that power that is, and has always been, within us.  We need to be confident in ourselves when dealing with change. The more confident we are, the more likely we are to deal positively with whatever change is facing us.  And, the more confident we are, the stronger our sense of control and direction will be, allowing us to approach anything change challenges us with.

LESSON #8:  DARE TO GET OFF THE GROUND.  “Just when the caterpillar thought, ‘I am incapable of moving,’ it became a butterfly.”  (Annette Thomas, American-born publishing executive)  When change and transition alter the course of our journey and a new route must be tried, there is a certain amount of risk involved when traveling down the unknown route.  Instead of curling up in the safety of our comfort zone, we need to be bold and step up the challenge.  Remember, life begins at the end of our comfort zone.  

LESSON #9:  RIDE THE BREEZES AND SAVOR THE FLOWERS.  Butterflies seem to dance as they flutter along the breezes and among the flowers.  Their “dance on the breeze” can be a reminder to us to approach things with joy; with enthusiasm.  Enthusiasm is the fuel that sustains us when dealing with change.  It is the fire that lights us up and keeps us moving forward in the face of difficulties. When we are enthusiastic, we are:  more positive; more optimistic; less stressed; more excited about life.  If we can maintain excitement and enthusiasm, we are able to better deal with whatever issue the change may be presenting. 

LESSON #10:  PUT ON OUR BRIGHTEST COLORS.  “Butterflies bring color and joy with them.”  (Trish Phillips, contributing writer to Pure Animal Communication and Training Solutions)  After a change, we should not hide ourselves.  We need to announce to the world that we are here and we are ready to face whatever the change has brought/is bringing.  The brighter the colors on a butterfly, the more noticeable it is.  Be the same.  Wearing our brightest colors might release our inner child – the part of us exudes unbridled joy, boundless energy, a free-spirited nature, a wild imagination, creativity, happiness, enthusiasm, resilience, stamina, laughter, fun, curiosity, and a sense of wonder.  Aren’t these characteristics that we want working for us as we deal with change? 

If nothing ever changed, there’d be no butterflies.  And so it is with us.  If nothing ever changed with us, we’d remain “caterpillars” all our lives.  This is not how  life is meant to be lived.  As American educator Stephanie Pace Marshall says, “Adding wings to caterpillars does not create butterflies, it creates awkward and dysfunctional caterpillars. Butterflies are created through transformation.”  Just as the butterfly goes through a metamorphosis, so must we.  Let’s channel change for the better by continually growing and evolving.

FINDING OURSELVES IN THE WILDERNESS ZONE OF CHANGE

Motivational speaker and author Matthew Kelly has a new book due out soon and he has been sharing excerpts from the book, Life is Messy.  A recent one got me to thinking about the “zones” of change:  the ending, the neutral zone (which I call the wilderness), and the new beginning. 

All change begins with something ending.  The ending is followed by one roaming the neutral zone/the wilderness, a zone we must go through before starting our new beginning.   Kelly has said, “It’s a mistake to focus on the negative.  It’s a mistake sometimes to think the bad stuff is all bad.  It is often in the middle of nowhere, lost and confused, when nothing makes sense, that we find ourselves and come to know ourselves in new and brilliant ways.”

His last sentence “It is often in the middle of nowhere, lost and confused, when nothing makes sense, that we find ourselves and come to know ourselves in new and brilliant ways” perfectly describes the neutral zone/the wilderness of change.

The wilderness is a place where the old and the new overlap. I liken this wilderness to what the early pioneers felt when they ventured beyond their “comfort zone.” For them, there was a lot of confusion with new sights, sounds, and experiences.  The rules they followed in their former place no longer applied, yet new rules for this new territory, this “wilderness,” had not yet been established.  The further they got on their journey, they could no longer see where they came from and they couldn’t see exactly where they were going.  At times there was probably a sense of feeling lost and at other times these pioneers had to gain a new sense of direction.  There had to be much fear of the unknown in the new, the changed environment.

After ending something and letting go, we have probably entered the wilderness if we:

• are excited and overwhelmed by the possibilities after ending something or letting go;
• have a feeling of being lost and scared of making a wrong decision or choosing the wrong path;
• have a strong desire to try something different;
• feel confused;
• are worried or concerned about the future;
• sense that the change is a good one, but we just don’t know how we are going to make it work; and,
• question ourselves (Who am I?, What purpose do I now serve?), what happened, and the next steps (What comes next? What is my new reality?).

Why, if this neutral zone, this wilderness, is so “wild” and further engenders confusion and fear is it important when dealing with change?  It is because out of the confusion and fear, new ideas, new discoveries, reorientations, and creativity take center stage and help us toward something we might be able to accept, something that might make our life better.  It is because in this zone of change we find ourselves.

Some “travel” tips while roaming the wilderness include:

• Be observant.  Watch for “footprints in the snow” or those signs of how things are evolving.  Capitalize on the moments of creativity.
• Set short-term goals.  Where do things need to be in a day?  A week?  At the end of the month?  What should things look like in a day, week, or month? 
• Reward and reinforce.  After trying something, whether it is a success or a failure, give the thumbs up or words of encouragement.  Treating oneself or others to something is a nice acknowledgement of the efforts.  Giving out something that is symbolic of whatever was tried provides a reward as well as a visual reminder of the effort.
• Talk, talk, and talk some more.  Talk about feelings, fears, frustrations, anxieties, and ideas.
• Experiment with the ideas that come to the surface.  Use trial and error in deciding what to do, what direction in which to go, who to see.
• Be patient.   Give others and oneself time to work through the thoughts, ideas, and suggestions. Periodically step back and evaluate all that has been going on while roaming the wilderness.

There is no doubt that the wilderness is a scary place; it is often uncomfortable in the wilderness.  When in the wilderness, we have given up something with which we were once very comfortable, but we have not yet become comfortable with the “new place.” If we get scared enough, we may be tempted to fall back on the former, the old; we may try to slip back into our comfort zone. This is all normal and natural.  In fact, time in the wilderness is not linear.  It is more like start, stop, loop back, move forward, step back, surge forward.   Time in the wilderness is more spiral – or cork screw-shaped than linear or one dimensional.  But, time in the wilderness is well spent and when the journey is finished, we will be ready to move on and make a successful new beginning.  We will “…find ourselves and come to know ourselves in new and brilliant ways.”

TURBULENT TRANSITIONS

The upcoming transition from winter to spring (on March 20, 2019) became my muse for this article.  This seasonal transition means our weather will also be in transition.  In my part of the world, spring-like weather is characterized by milder temperatures and rain; however, it is not unusual for winter-like weather to persist – temperatures in the 20s and 30s F and more solid precipitation like snow, sleet, or freezing rain.  It’s like each season is struggling for control – spring, ready for its new beginning, embracing the change; winter not wanting to let go, resisting the change.

When a change enters our life, we find ourselves in transition just like the seasons.  Just as winter resists the change and doesn’t want to let go of what was, so often we do the same. We often want to hold on a little longer just as winter does.  But, shades of the change exert themselves and little by little we find ourselves moving from what was to what will be.

This struggle between what was and what will be is the transition stage of change.  It is a wilderness (or a neutral zone as change expert William Bridges calls it) where the old and the new overlap.  Turbulent is a great word to describe our time in the wilderness of transition because we are all over the place and struggling for control.  One day, we seem to be moving forward only to find ourselves sliding back the next day.  (Think sunshine and temperatures near 60 F one day and a gray sky, temperatures in the low 20s F, and six inches of snow the next.)

But, the beauty of the wilderness and our time spent there is that we get to work through the turbulence of the transition; we get to work out our resistance to the change.  This week, we will explore some ways that this happens.

Time in the wilderness gives us the opportunity to explore why we are so resistant to the change. I have to note that resistance to change is normal, but we need to move beyond it.  We can’t let it drive us.  We need to spend time taking a hard look at what is causing us to want to hold on to what was.    Be honest in the assessment.  (Often we find that control is at the heart of our resistance.  So, looking at what we can control and what is out of our control is most helpful.)

Resistance in the beginning stages of dealing with change can act as a protector (from dealing with the unknown and from making decisions in haste).  Staying in a state of resistance only limits us so we do need to move beyond it.  We do this by looking at the possibilities and opportunities we have in the changed environment.  It may take a long time for us to discover who we really are and what we are to do in our changed environment.  Time in the wilderness helps us explore options.  It is out of the excitement, the sense of being overwhelmed, the confusion, and the fear that new ideas, that new discoveries, re-orientations, and creativity take center stage and help propel us toward something we might be able to accept, something that makes sense out of the change, something that will put us on the path of discovering what we are to be in the new environment.

 

Change usually brings about the loss of something (a loved one, a way of life, familiar routines, etc.) and fear usually accompanies loss.  Resistance is common when we face a loss.  It is natural to want to hold on to what we are used to, what we love, what brings us comfort.  Wandering the wilderness gives us time to face our fears and to work through them.

We get to work through being uncomfortable in the wilderness.  When in the wilderness, we have given up something with which we were once very comfortable, but we have not yet become comfortable with the “new place.”  If we get scared enough, we may be tempted to fall back on the former, the old; we may try to slip back into our comfort zone. This is all normal and natural.  In fact, time in the wilderness is not linear.  It is more like start, stop, loop back, move forward, step back, surge forward.   Time in the wilderness is more spiral – or cork screw-shaped than linear or one dimensional.  (Think again of the turbulent transition of the seasons.)

 While in the wilderness, we question everything:

• Ourselves (Who am I? What purpose do I now serve?  What about this change makes me so uncomfortable?)
• What happened (What was this change all about? What was lost?  What was gained?  What do I like about the change?  Why am I so resistant to the change?)
• Next steps (What comes next? What is my new reality?)

 

Coming up with answers to these questions helps us sort through everything and come up with a plan for moving forward.  Through the answers we are able to identify all the reasons why we are so resistant to the change and within those answers we find the key for embracing the change and moving on with our life journey.

Change (the situational event) is hard but the transition (the emotional response to the change) is even tougher.  Most transitions can be turbulent especially the time spent in the wilderness (or neutral zone).  But, time in the wilderness is well spent and when the journey there is finished, we will be ready to move on and make a successful new beginning.

THE EMOTIONAL CHALLENGES OF TRANSITION

 

Last week’s post, From An Ending to a New Beginning:  The Role of Transition, explored the three stages of transition (endings, roaming the wilderness/neutral zone, and vision/new beginnings) and how understanding these stages might help us better handle the transitions in our lives.  Just to review, change is the physical event that happens to us; it is situational.  And when it is sudden or unexpected, we may hit a brick wall on our life journey.  We deal with the brick wall by going through transitions.  Transitions are what we experience as we internalize and come to terms with the change; they are the psychological aspects of the process.

 Dealing with both the change and the transition can be challenging.  And for most, dealing with the transition is the most challenging because it is the inner process through which we come to terms with the change.   The transition is when we let go of how things used to be and reorient and adjust ourselves to how things are now.  This inner process, the transition, takes time and we often face several emotional challenges.  This week, I’d like to explore 12 emotional challenges (which are based on the work of Kathleen High, an adjunct professor at Mt. San Antonio College).

For me, the emotional response tops my list of the 12 emotional challenges.  Some basic emotions (with related negative feelings in italics and positive feelings underlined include fear (afraid, frightened, scared, hope, excitement), anger (angry, frustrated, gratitude, thankfulness), sadness (sad, sorrow, grief), joy (happy, happiness), disgust (nasty, repulsive, respect, love, appeal), surprise (alarm, panic, amazement), and trust (doubtful, faith, hope, acceptance).    Emotions and feelings account for many of our behaviors, for our reactions to or our responses to our daily life experiences.  And the challenge for us to avoid dwelling on the emotions and move beyond them.

Next on my list comes grief.  Since all change and transition involve some type of loss, it is natural to experience grief as a part of the transitional journey.  When we grieve, we go through several stages such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance (based on the work of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross).  What makes grieving hard is we don’t go through these stages in a linear fashion.  Grieving is truly like a roller coaster with lots of ups and down.  No one goes through it the same and in the same amount of time.

Another emotional challenge is reminiscing.  This is where we have a difficult time accepting what has happened and we fixate on thinking about the time before the change.    This is different than thinking about the good memories before the change.   It is fine to wrap ourselves in the memory of something from the past but we cannot get stuck there and refuse to move on.  It is fine to use our memories of time before the change to help motivate us to look forward at the new possibilities.  But, we get ourselves into a bind when we just want to stay in the past and not move forward.

Our sense of identity is another challenge we face when in transition and merits a spot in my top five emotional challenges.  Identity is how we see ourselves and often our roles in life give us aspects of our identity.  When the change takes away one of our roles or how we see ourselves, we may experience a loss in our sense of self or purpose. This can all lead to an identity crisis.   Often with this challenge come strong feelings of sadness or worthlessness.

Rounding out my top five is resistance.  When we resist something we flat out refuse to accept it.  Resisting the change and resisting making a transition denies us the opportunity to move forward on our life journey.

 Mental challenges come with transition.  These make us think and act differently and with this challenge, we often rethink our goals and our direction.  Mental challenges have the ability to help us move forward and move on if we are open to that.

 

Transitions often affect how we express our personality.  An outgoing person may become withdrawn.   Someone who already tended to be introverted may become more reclusive.  Positive people may lose their smiles.  This becomes a challenge to not let what we may become be a permanent part of our personality.  If we tend to be adaptable by nature, we can use this challenge to help us look forward to new opportunities within the transition.

Regret is another emotional challenge.  Regret stems from feeling sad or disappointed over what has happened or from choices we have made.  Regret often acts as concrete, keeping us stuck in one place.  To help us move beyond regret, we need to adopt the mantra:  no regrets; just lessons.

Values rank ninth on the 12 emotional challenges list.  Values are the principles that we use to guide our behavior (like caring, compassion, hope, kindness, peace, truth, wonder…)  These becomes an emotional challenge because some changes rock us to our core and we begin to question our basic values: Why trust when trust can be violated?   Why love if it ends too quickly?   Why be a hard worker when it is isn’t appreciated or valued?

Transitions can create a paradigm shift changing our perception of reality.  How we see things gets skewed and then this skewed view colors how we view most other things in our life.

 Aligned with our perception of reality is our spiritual perspective.  The more seismic the change, the more we may question the meaning of or the value of life.  Many may begin to question their faith or what they’ve always believed.  Some turn away from their faith as a result of their transition.

Rounding out the list of emotional challenges is our political perspective.   We may find ourselves becoming more conservative or more liberal as a result of our change and our transitions.

 

Transitions, by nature, have us questioning a lot about ourselves.   It is scary to think that the questioning process might raise other issues, but that is exactly what happens and why it is important to know and understand some of the emotional challenges we all face with change and transition.  And, perhaps by understanding them more, we won’t succumb to the pitfalls of the challenges, but rather, work through them and use them to find the possibilities and opportunities along our path of transition.

 

FROM AN ENDING TO A NEW BEGINNING: THE ROLE OF TRANSITION

On December 21, 2017 a seismic change rocked my family.  Cousin Adam Gress, who was only 26, died unexpectedly and suddenly from an undiagnosed heart condition – hypertrophic cardiomyopathy.  His death has been hard on all of us. But, his death was just the beginning of a long process that family and friends are still going through.

William Bridges, a noted leader in the field of managing change, would label Adam’s sudden passing and life without him in it as CHANGE.  His passing was an event that happened to the family; it was situational.  When Adam died, we all hit the proverbial brick wall.  This brick wall seemed insurmountable to us.  It blocked the road of our life journey.  It totally disrupted life plans.  Everyone wondered, “What now?”  Everyone thought, “How do we get over this?”

Well, we get over the brick wall, the change, by going through TRANSITION.  You see, ever since Adam’s passing, family and friends have been in TRANSITION which is what we experience as we internalize and come to terms without him in our lives.  It is important to note that both change (the physical aspect) and transition (the psychological aspect) involve ending something.  Most of us think/feel that change is hard (and no doubt it is), but oftentimes it is the transition that is even harder.  I know for me it is and I think it is so because the transition is the inner process through which we come to terms with the change.  It is when we let go of how things used to be and reorient and adjust ourselves to how things are now.

This inner process is the road we take to moving on and getting over the “wall” but it takes time especially since it has three distinct stages:

• Endings
• Roaming the wilderness (or what William Bridges calls the “neutral zone”)
• Our vision (or what Bridges calls our “new beginning)

 As William Bridges says, “I am not suggesting that this is a path that you wanted to take or that you will necessarily find it enjoyable. I am saying that it is a path with meaning for you, that following it will bring you out somewhere. What I am saying is that since change is a wall and transition the gate in that wall it’s there for you to go through it. Transition represents a path to the next phase of your life.”   Since many of us may be in some stage of transition right now, I want to take some time to explore the three stages in the hopes that through the exploration, we all might find some ideas to help us better handle the transitions in our lives.

ENDINGS.  The “endings” stage begins with a “triggering event” where we experience a loss of the old life.  (In my family’s situation, Adam’s passing was our trigger event.)  As a result of the loss, we may feel:

• Disengaged – where we are removed from life as we know it and are now separated from the familiar.
• Disidentified – where we lose our sense of identity (how do we now define ourselves) or our perception of reality.
• Disenchanted – where we become disillusioned and let down by things that once brought us happiness.
• Disoriented – where we feel lost, confused, empty, and without direction.

When we are in this “endings” stage, we need to ask and answer ‘what needs to be let go?’   As Bridges says, “To cross over the line into the transition, you need to ask yourself what inner relinquishments you’ll need to make because of the change. What needs will you have to find other ways to get met? Because of your change, what parts of yourself are now out of date?”

WILDERNESS or NEUTRAL ZONE.  The wilderness is a place where the old and the new overlap.   It is a place outside of our comfort zone.  It is a place full of possibilities and we may become excited or overwhelmed by the possibilities we see.  We may experience confusion. We may experience fear.  When we roam the wilderness, we question ourselves, we question what happened, and we question next steps.  We often ask:

• Who am I?
• What purpose do I now serve?
• What comes next?
• What is real?
• What is my new reality?

Indeed, it may take a long time for us to discover who we really are and what we are to do in our new reality.  Time in the wilderness helps us explore options in the new reality.  It is out of the excitement, the sense of being overwhelmed, the confusion, and the fear that new ideas, that new discoveries, re-orientations and creativity take center stage and help propel us toward something we might be able to accept, something that makes sense out of the change, something that will put us on the path to our becoming “real” within our new reality.

There is no doubt that the wilderness is a scary place; it is often uncomfortable in the wilderness.  When in the wilderness, we have given up something with which we were once very comfortable, but we have not yet become comfortable with the “new place.”  If we get scared enough, we may be tempted to fall back on the former, the old; we may try to slip back into our comfort zone. This is all normal and natural.  In fact, time in the wilderness is not linear.  It is more like start, stop, loop back, move forward, step back, surge forward.   Time in the wilderness is more spiral – or cork screw-shaped than linear or one dimensional.  But, time in the wilderness is well spent and when the journey is finished, we will be ready to move on and make a successful new beginning.

VISION or NEW BEGINNING.  The old or former merges with the ideas from the wilderness or the neutral zone and becomes transformed into a new identity, understanding, value, or attitude.  After negotiating the neutral zone/wilderness, we do need direction so that we can be successful in our new beginning.  Vision provides this direction.  Vision is the image of what we want the future to look like.  The vision provides purpose and meaning and in doing so, gives hope, enthusiasm, importance, and inspiration to what we want to accomplish or what we want to be.

William Bridges sums things up nicely when he says, “Without a transition, change is just a rearrangement of the furniture.”  We must allow ourselves to travel the path of transition and experience the process.  We must integrate the change into the fabric of our being and really examine how it affects our core.  Only in doing this will we be able to move forward.  Only then will we be doing more than just rearranging the furniture.

CONNECTING THE PIECES

 

Jigsaw puzzles. They were a common sight in my childhood home especially in the winter months. My mom liked to spend time outdoors tending to her flower beds and garden. This activity occupied time well into the evening in the late spring and summer months. However, she was unable to do either in the winter months. 

So, jigsaw puzzle building was the substitute activity November through February. A card table would take up residence in the living room, covered with the thousand individual pieces that would eventually create a beautiful whole. There is a definite strategy to going from pieces that individually don’t have a lot of meaning to connecting them so that together there is not only meaning but strength of purpose. Jigsaw puzzle building got me to thinking about dealing with change. This week, I want to explore the parallels between the two.

The Puzzle Warehouse website offers the following puzzle building tips:

Flip all pieces upwards; have all pieces facing the same way.                                            

Find all the edge pieces.

Sort by color.

Keep special, distinguishing pieces separate and build on them when you can.

Pay close attention to shape.

Work in small sections at a time.

Don’t give up.

Once finished, congratulate yourself.

Let’s take a closer look at how each of these tips can help us deal with change.

Flip all pieces upwards; have all pieces facing the same way. When a major or seismic change enters your life, take time to sort through what is now different, what the future may hold and what is still intact. Knowing what all the ‘pieces’ are helps you get a picture of what the whole may be.

Find all the edge pieces. The edge pieces provide the frame for the puzzle. Having that framework helps work inward to complete the picture. When change happens, identify the stable pieces in your life. What is the same? What family and friends are still in the picture? Surrounding yourself with the familiar will give you a measure of comfort within and once you have found peace and reconnected with your values, it will be easier to then deal with all the remaining pieces of the change; it will be easier to pick them up and move on. 

Sort by color. This step helps bring organization to chaos. Looking at 1000+ connected pieces can be overwhelming. In puzzle building, matching colors helps narrow all that we have to work with into manageable sections. Within the colors, sections of the puzzle become recognizable. Sometimes with change, parts of life may become unrecognizable and chaotic. Taking a step back and looking for what we can group together (the similarities in life after the change to those before the change, the differences, the challenges, the opportunities) will help deal with the feeling of being overwhelmed, bring some familiarity to the picture, and help organize feelings, thoughts, and actions.

Keep special, distinguishing pieces separate and build on them when you can. With puzzle pieces, some have distinctive or special shapes. Some have text on them. Some may have a color in only spot. A close examination of the pieces may help discern subtle differences which can be useful in eventually fitting them into the whole. The same close examination can help us deal with change. When change rocks our world, we often react and respond to the ‘whole’ of the change. But, if we take a step back, take a deep breath, and take the time to really assess what changed and how it will affect us, we might find some distinguishing aspects to the change that aren’t really all that unnerving. Perhaps the change only brought about subtle or minor differences but we were so overwhelmed and reactive that we were unable to see some of the specialness or sameness with the change.

Pay close attention to shape. Puzzle pieces come in varying shapes. Some have knobs. Some have holes. There are times when it is obvious which pieces just won’t fit together and there are times when something looks like it will fit, but it doesn’t. The more we gain familiarity with the shapes and what the whole picture should/might look like, we are better able to recognize what fits and what doesn’t.   It is the same when dealing with change. And, sometimes, we just have to let go of one piece so the right one, when it comes along, will fit.

Work in small sections at a time. Using color, shape, and distinguishing features of the puzzle pieces helps us work on small sections of the puzzle at a time. Connecting the pieces in a defined section brings a sense of accomplishment and keeps us motivated. The same approach works with change. To avoid feeling overwhelmed, take things in small steps; don’t try to tackle too much at once; be realistic in expectations. Will you finish a 1000+ piece puzzle in a day? Probably not. So, why think we can get everything squared away with change in a day? Working on ‘small sections’ of change at a time and having success with those will help diminish feelings of being overwhelmed. Then our mind will tell us that we were able to deal with that successfully so we will be able to deal with whatever else is coming next successfully. If we follow doing something easy with something we feel is more difficult, the energy and “high” from our first success will help us deal with the more difficult task. Following something more taxing and difficult with something easier helps boost our confidence and get us into a good rhythm that will continue to carry us through all the tasks or issues the situation is presenting us.

Don’t give up. When puzzle building gets challenging, sometimes it helps to take a break. We often return from a break with renewed energy and fresh eyes that help us persist in our efforts. Wonderful advice for dealing with change. Giving in or giving up are not options when dealing with change. We need to be able to continually move forward despite the difficulties created by the change. Persistence helps us become resolute in doing this; it gives us the resolve to go on; it provides the drive. And, being patient with ourselves and the process will help in not giving up.

Once finished, congratulate yourself. Putting the final piece into a 1000+ puzzle is quite an accomplishment and it is sound advice to let yourself know that you did it.  You accomplished a challenging feat! We need to do the same when we are dealing with change. We need to recognize our tenacity, our persistence, our resolve, and our ability to deal with the challenges. Acknowledging successes, small and large, in our efforts to deal with change is an important step to keep us going, to keep us moving forward.

When dealing with change, we go through three stages: the ending (or letting go), the wilderness (or neutral zone), and the new beginning. The steps in puzzle building are like being in the wilderness stage. With change, the wilderness is where the old and new overlap. There is excitement about the possibilities as well as a feeling of being overwhelmed by the possibilities. Just as in puzzle building, we use trial and error in deciding what to do, in which direction to go. There will be successes; there will be failures. There will be moments of insight; of creativity in how to deal with a challenging section. Time in the wilderness helps refine what we want, need, or what action to take. From all the pieces, we come out with a new whole.

Dealing with change is a process and working through it will help us understand how all the pieces create the whole, but recognize that not all the pieces may fit into the new whole in the same way as before. As when building a puzzle, there are many factors that determine if a piece will fit into a given space. We can’t force something into a given space. It is the same with life and change. Sometimes we just have to let go of one “piece” so the right one, when it comes along, will fit.

 

 

GETTING “REAL” WITH CHANGE

For the past two weeks, this blog has been exploring the parallels with the transitions of change and The Velveteen Rabbit. This week, we are going to focus on specific strategies to help with the three stages of transition: ending something, roaming the wilderness, and new beginnings/vision.

All change begins with an ending. Why is ending something important when dealing with change? To get what one wants, one must give up what is. Giving up what is (whether willingly or unexpectedly) means the loss of something: loss of familiar routines, loss of a familiar way of doing something, loss of a relationship, loss of a comfort zone, perhaps even loss of control, space, power, social/role identity, or influence. It is important to accept this sense of loss and the emotions felt because of the loss: anger, resentment, sadness, and resistance. In order to be able to fully let go and embrace what the change brings, the acceptance of the loss, of the end of the current, is vital. 

How do you develop the ability to accept the end of something?

Acknowledge the loss. Talk about the loss with others. Talk about what the loss means. Communicate the feelings the loss is generating.

Grieve for what has been lost or what has been let go. While everyone grieves differently and more like a roller coaster than in discreet stages, the stages in the Kubler-Ross model are a helpful guide. Those stages are: denial, anger bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Use rituals to help overcome the loss. A commonly used ritual is a party: birthday, retirement, farewell, New Year’s Eve, wedding showers, bachelor parties, funeral wakes.

Ask questions: who, what, when, how, why. Who will be affected by this? What is going to happen? When is it going to happen? How will all this happen? Why is it going to happen?

Remember, to get what you want, you must give up what is.  In order to be able to fully let go and embrace what the change brings, the acceptance of the loss, of the end of the current, is vital.  You need to let go of the past in order to accept change and adjust to life so that you can remain optimistic and create the future you want.  As Louise Smith said, “You can’t reach for anything new if your hands are full of yesterday’s junk.” 

The second stage of transition is roaming the wilderness. The wilderness is a place where the old and the new overlap. In the wilderness, there is a lot of confusion with new sights, sounds, and experiences. The rules that were followed in our former environment no longer apply, yet new rules for this new environment, this “wilderness,” have not yet been established. There is often a fear of the unknown in the new, the changed environment. There may also be a sense of excitement that sometimes does accompany something new. It is out of all of these experiences that new ideas, new discoveries, reorientations and creativity take center stage and help propel us toward something we might be able to accept, something that makes sense out of the change, something that will put us on the path to our becoming “real” within our new reality.

But, how can one “roam the wilderness” safely?   How does one develop this skill?

Experiment with the ideas that come to the surface. Use trial and error in deciding what to do, what direction in which to go, who to see.

Reward and reinforce. After trying something, whether it is a success or a failure, give the thumbs up or words of encouragement. Treating oneself or others to something is a nice acknowledgement of the efforts. Giving out something that is symbolic of whatever was tried provides a reward as well as a visual reminder of the effort.

Be patient.   Give others and oneself time to work through the thoughts, ideas, and suggestions. Periodically step back and evaluate all that has been going on while roaming the wilderness.

Talk, talk, and talk some more. Talk about feelings, fears, frustrations, anxieties, and ideas.

Be observant. Watch for “footprints in the snow” or those signs of how things are evolving. Capitalize on the moments of creativity.

Set short-term goals. Where do things need to be in a day? A week? At the end of the month? What should things look like in a day, week, or month?

The third and final stage of transition is the new beginning. It is here that everything comes together. The old or former merges with the ideas from the wilderness and becomes transformed into a new identity, understanding, value, or attitude. After negotiating the wilderness, we do need direction so that we can be successful in our new beginning. Vision provides this direction. Vision is the image of what we want the future to look like. The vision provides purpose and meaning and in doing so, gives hope, enthusiasm, importance, and inspiration to what we want to accomplish or what we want to be.

What can we do to develop further develop the skill of handling “new beginnings;” this strategy of vision?

Articulate the vision. I like to ask workshop participants what their idea of a perfect day is. Many have to really stop and think before they can answer. If one doesn’t know what their perfect day looks like, how will it ever be recognized or appreciated when it arrives? It is the same with vision. The vision, the direction, the goal must be clear and identifiable and one must be able to talk about it, share what it is with others.

Develop a plan to reach the vision. Write down, step-by-step, how the vision can be achieved.

Implement the plan of action. Get involved and stay involved. Provide incentives as needed.

Celebrate successes when milestones have been reached in the plan’s implementation. Do something that has meaning and that will feel like a reward.

Just as the Velveteen Rabbit allowed himself to experience all three stages of the transition of change and just as he was able to achieve his vision, his goal of becoming REAL, so can we when change enters our lives. If we remember to embrace the change and accept the ending it has brought; if we remember to allow ourselves to experience much, to talk to wise and sensible people, and to seek the magic in things and people while we roam the wilderness; and if we remember to have a vision of what we want, we will be able to move to a new beginning.

When change moves us out of our comfort zone and we struggle with where we are going, it is important to have a dream, a vision of what we think we want. While roaming the wilderness or the neutral zone, we need to allow ourselves to experience much, to talk to wise and sensible people, to seek the magic in things and people. Given time, we will emerge from the wilderness, ready to move in the direction of our vision, our goal; our dream. And, we can do so with hope, enthusiasm, and inspiration.

Remember the Skin Horse’s advice to the Velveteen Rabbit: “Real isn’t how you are made. It’s a thing that happens to you. … It doesn’t happen all at once. You become. It takes a long time.” Give yourself time when change rocks your world. Your “real” will happen in due time.

PARALLELS WITH THE TRANSITIONS OF CHANGE AND THE VELVETEEN RABBIT: PART 2

 

In last week’s post, we began to explore the parallels with our transitions of change and those of the Velveteen Rabbit. We looked at the first stage of transition which is ending something and we were in the middle of exploring the second stage of transition, that of roaming the wilderness (or the neutral zone). This week, we will continue with our exploration of time in the wilderness and then examine the third stage of transition, new beginnings.

Last week, we discussed how the wilderness is a place where the old and the new overlap; it is a place outside our comfort zones. Just like the Rabbit, we may become excited or overwhelmed by the possibilities we see. (The Rabbit was excited when he was taken out of the closet and got to spend a lot of time with the Boy.)

We may experience confusion. (The Rabbit was confused when he was out in the woods and wild rabbits approached him to play. When the Rabbit isn’t able to play, hop, or dance one of the wild rabbits says, “He doesn’t smell right! He isn’t a rabbit at all! He isn’t real!”)

We may experience fear. (After the Boy recovered from his bout with scarlet fever, “The room was to be disinfected, and all the books and toys that the Boy had played with in bed must be burnt.” When the doctor is shown the Rabbit he says, “That? Why, it’s a mass of scarlet fever germs!—Burn it at once. What? Nonsense! Get him a new one. He mustn’t have that any more!”)

It is out of the excitement, the sense of being overwhelmed, the confusion, and the fear that new ideas, that new discoveries, reorientations and creativity take center stage and help propel us toward something we might be able to accept, something that makes sense out of the change, something that will put us on the path to our becoming “real” within our new reality.

There is no doubt that the wilderness is a scary place; it is often uncomfortable in the wilderness.  When in the wilderness, you have given up something with which you were once very comfortable, but you have not yet become comfortable with the “new place.” (The Rabbit had been placed in a sack with other toys that were to be burned. While there, he reminisced about the happy times with the Boy and “a great sadness came over him.” In pondering his fate, the Rabbit shed a real tear.)

If you get scared enough, you may be tempted to fall back on the former, the old; you may try to slip back into your comfort zone. This is all normal and natural. In fact, time in the wilderness is not linear. It is more like start, stop, loop back, move forward, step back, surge forward.   Time in the wilderness is more spiral or cork screw-shaped than linear or one dimensional. But, time in the wilderness is well spent and when the journey is finished, you will be ready to move on and make a successful new beginning.

In dealing with change and transition, it is through the vision or the new beginning that everything comes together. The old or former merges with the ideas from the wilderness or the neutral zone and becomes transformed into a new identity, understanding, value, or attitude.  After negotiating the neutral zone/wilderness, we do need direction so that we can be successful in our new beginning. Vision provides this direction. Vision is the image of what we want the future to look like. The vision provides purpose and meaning and in doing so, gives hope, enthusiasm, importance, and inspiration to what we want to accomplish or what we want to be.

When the Velveteen Rabbit was pondering his fate and shed that tear, “…a strange thing happened. For where the tear had fallen a flower grew out of the ground, a mysterious flower, not at all like any that grew in the garden. It had slender green leaves the colour of emeralds, and in the centre of the leaves a blossom like a golden cup. …And presently the blossom opened, and out of it there stepped a fairy.” The fairy turned out to be the nursery magic Fairy and it was she that completed the transformation of the Velveteen Rabbit from a toy into a real rabbit.

The Velveteen Rabbit had had a vision of becoming real. As the Skin Horse told him, that didn’t happen overnight; it took time. It took a Boy loving him unconditionally and it took experiences in the toy cupboard, a near brush with death, and the intervention of a magic Fairy before the Rabbit was able to realize his dream; achieve his vision.

And, so it is with us. When change moves us out of our comfort zone and we struggle with where we are going, it is important to have a dream, a vision of what we think we want. While roaming the wilderness or the neutral zone, we need to allow ourselves to experience much, to talk to wise and sensible people, to seek the magic in things and people. Given time, we will emerge from the wilderness, ready to move in the direction of our vision, our goal, our dream.

Next week, we will focus on “getting REAL with change” looking at specific strategies to deal with endings, the wilderness, and new beginnings.