LASTING FRIENDSHIPS

This article will first post on February 14, 2021, Valentine’s Day.  This is a good day to focus on relationships, especially friendships.  Lori Deschene (Founder of Tiny Buddha) said, “You can’t force anyone to value, respect, understand, or support you, but you can choose to spend your time around people who do.”   The following story really drives her point home.

During a prank, a student stuck a paper on his classmate’s back that said “𝗜’𝗺 𝗦𝘁𝘂𝗽𝗶𝗱,” and asked the rest of the class not to tell the boy.  Thus the students began laughing on and off. The afternoon math class started and their teacher wrote a difficult question on the board.  No one was able to answer it except the boy with the sticker.  Amid the unexplained giggles, he walked toward the board and solved the problem. The teacher removed the paper on his back and asked the class to clap for him.  She told him: “It seems that you don’t know about the paper your classmate has pasted on your back.”

Then the teacher looked at the rest of the class and said, “Before I give you a punishment, let me tell you 2 things: First, throughout your Life, people will put labels on you with many nasty words to stop your progress.  Had your classmate known about the paper, he wouldn’t have gotten up to answer the question.  𝗔𝗹𝗹 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗱𝗼 𝗶𝗻 l𝗶𝗳𝗲 𝗶𝘀 𝗶𝗴𝗻𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗹𝗮𝗯𝗲𝗹𝘀 𝗽𝗲𝗼𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗴𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘀𝗲𝗶𝘇𝗲 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆 𝗼𝗽𝗽𝗼𝗿𝘁𝘂𝗻𝗶𝘁𝘆 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗹𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗻, 𝗴𝗿𝗼𝘄 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗶𝗺𝗽𝗿𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳.”

“Second, she said, “it’s clear that he doesn’t have any loyal friends among you all to tell him about the sticker.  It doesn’t matter how many friends you have – it is the loyalty you share with your friends that matters.  𝗜𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗳𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗱𝘀 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗱𝗲𝗳𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗯𝗲𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗯𝗮𝗰𝗸, 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝘄𝗮𝘁𝗰𝗵 𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝘆𝗼𝘂, 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝘁𝗲𝗰𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝗴𝗲𝗻𝘂𝗶𝗻𝗲𝗹𝘆 𝗰𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂, 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗯𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝗼𝗳𝗳 𝗮𝗹𝗼𝗻𝗲.  Choose your friends wisely.”

Indeed.  We should choose our friends wisely.  Our friends should first and foremost value, respect, understand, and support us.  Our friends help us move beyond any labels that get attached to us.  John Maxwell (American author, speaker, pastor) says, “We all need that person in our lives that brings positivity and sunshine.  Be the friend that is transformational and helps cast vision for those that cannot see so clearly.”

Friendships – those relationships and connections we have with others which are characterized by assistance, approval, and support and where key components include trust, concern, care, and understanding –  are vital to a successful life journey. According to the Mayo Clinic, good friends: help us celebrate good times and provide support during bad times; prevent loneliness; increase our sense of belonging and purpose; boost happiness and reduces stress; improve our self-confidence; and, help us cope with seismic life changes, like divorce, job loss, death of a loved one, or serious illness.

Friends provide a measure of stability that is most helpful when dealing with the bumps associated with our life journey, especially changes that rock our world.   Friends listen, encourage, provide suggestions and advice, and are just there to provide whatever support may be needed.

I have many friends, but two are noteworthy because they have withstood the test of time (60+ years) and distance (often separated by thousands of miles).  They are definitely long-term best friends forever (BFF).   What has kept these two friendships going for all these many years?

Acceptance.  We have always accepted each other just as we are. We value each other’s strengths.  We are balanced by our differences. We take our shortcomings in stride.  There is an appreciation for who we are.  We seem to bring out the best in each other.  And the love we have for each other is unconditional.

Shared values.  While each of us is very different, our basic values (those lasting beliefs or ideals about what is good and desirable) seem to be aligned.  Values such as faith, hope, love, kindness, respect, and compassion are at the foundation of each friendship.

(It is the same with friends. The core of a friendship is what is changeless, what is going to be there – shared vision and values.

Connection.   When face-to-face get togethers are not possible, we keep in touch through phone calls, texts, emails, video chats, Zoom gatherings, cards, notes, or letters.  We make it a priority to stay in touch.  There isn’t always a reason for a call or a card or a virtual visit.  Sometimes we connect just because. 

Commitment.  When distance separates friends, each must be committed to the relationship enough to make the effort to stay in touch.  (The friendship with these two BFFs was forged long before the day of instant communication. Long distant phone calls – on land lines –  and snail mail letters were the two ways to stay in touch when miles and miles separated us and work and family responsibilities kept us busy.)

Openness.  We are not afraid to share our thoughts, feelings, fears, or dreams.   Whether we are celebrating something or struggling with something, there is an ease in sharing it.  We are comfortable with each other even in our most vulnerable moments.  We can laugh, cry, vent, and express any emotion and feel comfortable doing so.

Enjoyment.  Time with these BFFs is positive.  Even when dealing with challenging situations, there is a positive undercurrent to our interactions.  When together, we have fun.

Support.  We are there for each other.  No matter how near or far, we can always be “beside” each other to help us through a rough spot.  We provide quiet strength for each other.  We send positive energy and vibes.  We listen while being silent.  And, we are willing to drop everything to be right beside the other if necessary.

Honesty.  We don’t always say what the other wants to hear.  We are upfront and honest with each other.  We provide our own take on situations even when positions differ.

Another very good and dear of friend of mine for the past 25 years says, “Good friends tickle my heart and my mind; they challenge me to grow emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually and they love me unconditionally.”   On this day of hearts (or whenever you read this), take stock of your friends that tickle your heart and mind; that challenge you.  Think about the  lasting friendships and  what has kept the friendship going.  Take time to thank your friends for how they enrich your life and how they bring positivity and sunshine to your days.  Lasting friendships reinforce that the choice made, was indeed, a wise one.  Our lasting friendships are a true gift.  Treasure the gift for all times.

HOW EXPRESSING OUR CREATIVITY CAN HELP DEAL WITH CHANGE

Albert Einstein (German born American physicist who developed the special and general theories of relativity and Nobel Prize winner for Physics in 1921) said, “Creativity is seeing what everyone else has seen and thinking what no one else has thought.”  When I think of creativity, people such as artists, musicians, writers, designers, those who create special effects for films, innovators, crafters – those who are able to use their imagination to come up with original ideas to produce something – are the first who come to mind.  However, anyone who is innovative, resourceful, shows initiative, or has vision can also be quite creative.

Creativity is in the eye of the beholder and while we may not consider ourselves to be creative, those around us often see us in a different light.  Anyone of us who has faced a situation that came out of “left field” probably has used every ounce of our imagination to contend with it and if so, we have engaged our creative side in dealing with it!  However, in our mind, we probably viewed what we did as fairly straightforward while those around us saw it as most creative.

This creative side of ours can be of great assistance when we are dealing with a major or seismic change, especially one that blindsides us.  Let’s explore how expressing our creativity can benefit us when dealing with change.

REDUCES STRESS.   When we take time to use our mind, heart, or hands to create something, it takes us away from whatever might be worrying us.  When we aren’t focused on our worries, we tend to relax and when relaxed, stress recedes or goes away.  If we can get into a ‘zone’ when creating something, we are practicing a form of mindful meditation which is a stress reducer and a calming agent.

 BRINGS ENJOYMENT.  Being creative can bring delight to our inner child which can bring a smile to our face and some joy into our life.  This can help us face our challenging situation with a more positive approach.

 

INCREASES POSITIVE EMOTIONS; DECREASES NEGATIVE EMOTIONS.   When we feel joyful we tend to be more positive.  A focus on the positive helps diminish any negative feelings (anger, frustration, sadness) we may have over the change.

 

 

BOOSTS OUR ABILITY TO FOCUS.  The concentration we engage in when coming up with creative solutions to our situation gives us a commitment and dedication to what we are doing.  This helps us focus our time and energy on producing a solution rather than allow the negative chatter to take over our thoughts.

ENHANCES PROBLEM SOLVING.  Our creative side allows us to think outside the box, to be resourceful (even risk takers) when dealing with challenging situations.  If we can think differently about a changed situation we are more likely to come up with ways of dealing with it more so than doing more of the same ol’, same ol’ would.

PROVIDES TIME TO REALIGN.  Taking the time to develop our own ideas helps us realign ourselves with our values, our passions, our dreams, and our goals.  This self-reflection, introspection may lead us to a breakthrough in dealing with our challenging situation.

IMPROVES SELF-ESTEEM.  The self-discovery that arises out of us realigning can give us a sense of achievement and satisfaction which may help boost our confidence which is turn will make us feel good/better about ourselves.

 CONNECTS US WITH OTHERS.  Oftentimes when in the midst of a challenging situation, we think we are the only ones who have ever dealt with “whatever it is.”  However, in our creative attempts to deal with our personal challenge, we may find others who have faced the same challenge. Sharing feelings and ideas may result in a rewarding connection and make us feel not so alone.

Thinking creatively, thinking in an innovative way, allows us to overcome the fear we might experience with the change. Being creative also helps us avoid getting into a rut with our thinking; it helps create a new routine with our way of thinking about and approaching what faces us. If we really want to be successful in the changed environment, we must change the routine way of doing things so that the results are different.  As Einstein said, “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.”  If the change that enters our life presents us with a problem, a challenge, then we need to fire up our creativity to come up with  a novel approach to help us move beyond the challenge.