CHANGES and TRANSITIONS

I have the honor and privilege of serving as the coordinator for the DKG Pennsylvania State Organization’s annual convention.  DKG is a professional honor society of key women educators in the United States, Canada, Europe, Latin America, and Japan whose mission is to promote professional and personal growth of women educators and excellence in education.   In its 95 years of operation, DKG has seen much change both externally and internally.  These changes extend to the state organizations and many changes were seen and felt at this year’s Pennsylvania state convention.

Throughout the event, as convention coordinator, I would ask participants how the convention was going for them.  I was very pleased to hear all the complimentary responses and not at all surprised to hear concerns about anything that was changed; there definitely was a note of discontent by some members to the loss of what they consider “traditional ways of doing things.”  

William Bridges, a noted leader in the field of managing change, would label the loss of the “traditional way of doing things” as CHANGE.  Not having those things were events that happened to convention attendees; they were situational.  And dealing with those changes was like hitting the proverbial brick wall for many.  This brick wall seemed insurmountable to them and it blocked the road to their convention experience.  All who hit the brick wall think, “How do we get over this?”

Well, we get over the brick wall, the change, by going through TRANSITION which is what we experience as we internalize and come to terms without those “traditions” as a part of convention. (Readers, substitute something that is happening or did happen to you that you would classify as the change and subsequent transition.)   It is important to note that both change (the physical aspect) and transition (the psychological aspect) involve ending something.  Most of us think/feel that change is hard (and no doubt it is), but oftentimes it is the transition that is even harder.  I know for me it is and I think it is because the transition is the inner process through which we come to terms with the change.  It is when we let go of how things used to be and reorient and adjust ourselves to how things are now.

This inner process is the road we take to moving on and getting over the “wall” but it takes time especially since it has three distinct stages:

• Endings
• Roaming the wilderness (or what William Bridges calls the “neutral zone”)
• Our vision (or what Bridges calls our “new beginning)

As William Bridges says, “I am not suggesting that this is a path that you wanted to take or that you will necessarily find it enjoyable. I am saying that it is a path with meaning for you, that following it will bring you out somewhere. What I am saying is that since change is a wall and transition the gate in that wall it’s there for you to go through it. Transition represents a path to the next phase of your life.”   Since many of us may be in some stage of transition right now, I want to take some time to explore the three stages in the hopes that through the exploration, we all might find some ideas to help us better handle the transitions in our lives.

ENDINGS.  The “endings” stage begins with a “triggering event” where we experience a loss of the old life.  As a result of the loss, we may feel:

• Disengaged – where we are removed from life as we know it and are now separated from the familiar.
• Disenchanted –  where we become disillusioned and let down by things that once brought us happiness
• Disoriented – where we feel lost, confused, empty, and without direction. 

When we are in this “endings” stage, we need to ask and answer ‘what needs to be let go?’   As Bridges says, “To cross over the line into the transition, you need to ask yourself what inner relinquishments you’ll need to make because of the change. What needs will you have to find other ways to get met? Because of the change, what parts of yourself are now out of date?”

WILDERNESS or NEUTRAL ZONE.  The wilderness is a place where the old and the new overlap.   It is a place outside of our comfort zone.  It is a place full of possibilities and we may become excited or overwhelmed by the possibilities we see.  We may experience confusion.

Time in the wilderness gives us the opportunity to:

• explore why we are so resistant to the change
• look at the possibilities and opportunities
• explore options
• work through the confusion
• face our fears and work through them
• work through being uncomfortable with the new
• question ourselves, what happened, and next steps

VISION or NEW BEGINNING.  The old or former merges with the ideas from the wilderness or the neutral zone and becomes transformed into a new identity, understanding, value, or attitude.  After negotiating the neutral zone/wilderness, we do need direction so that we can be successful in our new beginning.  Vision provides this direction.  Vision is the image of what we want the future to look like.  The vision provides purpose and meaning and in doing so, gives hope, enthusiasm, importance, and inspiration to what we want to accomplish or what we want to be.

William Bridges sums things up nicely when he says, “Without a transition, change is just a rearrangement of the furniture.”  We must allow ourselves to travel the path of transition and experience the process.  We must integrate the change into the fabric of our being and really examine how it affects our core.  Only in doing this will we be able to move forward.  Only then will we be doing more than just rearranging the furniture.

EARTHLY GUARDIAN ANGELS

The brother of one of my friends was recently involved in an automobile accident.  While he was injured she commented, “It could have been much worse.  I believe his guardian angel was watching over him, keeping him safe from much worse injuries.”  The guardian angel to which she referred is a celestial being who guards over, protects, and guides people.

That got me to thinking about non-celestial angels who occasionally do the same thing, our friends.  In a way, our friends serve as earthly guardian angels. Because our life journey will include many bumps, rough patches, challenging moments, detours, and changes along the way, our friends and family provide a measure of stability that is most helpful when dealing with the bumps associated with our life journey.   They anchor us, they listen, they encourage, they provide suggestions and advice, and they are just there to provide whatever support may be needed. At times, they may even protect and guide us. They do not hold us back but rather provide us the necessary support to keep moving forward.

Our friends act as earthly guardian angels when they:

• Help us cope with traumas (loss of a loved one, serious illness, divorce…)
• Celebrate the good times and provide support during the challenging times
• Drop everything to be right beside us when necessary
• Reduce our stress
• Encourage us to change or avoid unhealthy habits
• Provide quiet strength for us
• Make us feel better about things (and can do so with just a smile)
• Share positive vibes
• Ignite positive energy
• Provide hugs (often just at the right moment)
• Take away feelings of loneliness
• Provide emotional support
• Remind us what we mean to them and others (which improves our self-confidence and self-worth)
• Help us seek solutions to situations
• Remind us of the importance of the present moment

Our earthly guardian angels provide us with a measure of collaboration, connection, and coalition when dealing with life situations.  If a friend and I are in the maze together working on our own to find the way out, we would struggle because we can’t see what is ahead or around a corner.   However, if  we worked together, one getting on the shoulders of the other, perhaps we could see over the barriers of the maze and give directions like, “Turn right and then right again and we’ll be out…”  This type of collaboration or coalition is value added; it is synergistic in the sense that the two of us created a result that would be different from or greater than what each of us could have done individually.   What a positive and productive way of dealing with challenging life moments.

French-German physician and philosopher Albert Schweitzer said, “In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.” Yes indeed.  And our earthly guardian angels are ones who definitely rekindle our inner spirit.  They do this by what they give us – an experience, an idea, the encouragement, the strength – to handle the blessings and the challenges along our life journey.  They do this by protecting, helping, and guiding us through life’s challenging moments.  We need to thankful for all of our earthly guardian angels who always seem to “have our back.”

SHARING HAPPINESS THROUGH ACTS OF COMPASSION

I was touched by the following story by author Kent Nerburn, The Cab Ride I’ll Never Forget, which has been making the rounds on Facebook: 

There was a time in my life twenty years ago when I was driving a cab for a living. It was a cowboy’s life, a gambler’s life, a life for someone who wanted no boss, constant movement and the thrill of a dice roll every time a new passenger got into the cab. What I didn’t count on when I took the job was that it was also a ministry. Because I drove the night shift, my cab became a rolling confessional. Passengers would climb in, sit behind me in total anonymity and tell me of their lives.

We were like strangers on a train, the passengers and I, hurtling through the night, revealing intimacies we would never have dreamed of sharing during the brighter light of day. I encountered people whose lives amazed me, ennobled me, made me laugh and made me weep. And none of those lives touched me more than that of a woman I picked up late on a warm August night.

I was responding to a call from a small brick fourplex in a quiet part of town. I assumed I was being sent to pick up some partiers, or someone who had just had a fight with a lover, or someone going off to an early shift at some factory for the industrial part of town.  When I arrived at the address, the building was dark except for a single light in a ground-floor window. Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a short minute, then drive away. Too many bad possibilities awaited a driver who went up to a darkened building at 2:30 in the morning.

But I had seen too many people trapped in a life of poverty who depended on the cab as their only means of transportation. Unless a situation had a real whiff of danger, I always went to the door to find the passenger. It might, I reasoned, be someone who needs my assistance. Would I not want a driver to do the same if my mother or father had called for a cab?

So I walked to the door and knocked.

“Just a minute,” answered a frail and elderly voice. I could hear the sound of something being dragged across the floor. After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman somewhere in her 80s stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like you might see in a costume shop or a Goodwill store or in a 1940s movie. By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The sound had been her dragging it across the floor.  The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.

“Would you carry my bag out to the car?” she said. “I’d like a few moments alone. Then, if you could come back and help me? I’m not very strong.”  I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm, and we walked slowly toward the curb. She kept thanking me for my kindness.

“It’s nothing,” I told her. “I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated.”

“Oh, you’re such a good boy,” she said. Her praise and appreciation were almost embarrassing.

When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, then asked, “Could you drive through downtown?”

“It’s not the shortest way,” I answered.

“Oh, I don’t mind,” she said. “I’m in no hurry. I’m on my way to a hospice.”

I looked in the rearview mirror. Her eyes were glistening. “I don’t have any family left,” she continued. “The doctor says I should go there. He says I don’t have very long.”

I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. “What route would you like me to go?” I asked.

For the next two hours we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they had first been married. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. Sometimes she would have me slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, “I’m tired. Let’s go now.”
We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. Without waiting for me, they opened the door and began assisting the woman. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her; perhaps she had phoned them right before we left.  I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase up to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

“How much do I owe you?” she asked, reaching into her purse.

“Nothing,” I said.

“You have to make a living,” she answered.

“There are other passengers,” I responded.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held on to me tightly. “You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,” she said. “Thank you.”

There was nothing more to say. I squeezed her hand once, then walked out into the dim morning light. Behind me, I could hear the door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.

I did not pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly, lost in thought. For the remainder of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away? What if I had been in a foul mood and had refused to engage the woman in conversation? How many other moments like that had I missed or failed to grasp?

We are so conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unawares. When that woman hugged me and said that I had brought her a moment of joy, it was possible to believe that I had been placed on earth for the sole purpose of providing her with that last ride.  I do not think that I have ever done anything in my life that was any more important.

I was touched by the compassion the cab driver had for the woman; that attitude of unconditional acceptance for a situation or person as they are without judgment or the expectation of something else.  By definition, compassion is an emotion that is a sense of shared suffering, most often combined with a desire to alleviate or reduce the suffering of another; to show special kindness to those who are suffering.

The cab driver was quite moved by the experience with the woman being left with the feeling of having done something of the utmost importance.  That is one way having compassion for others helps us.  Other ways include:

• Increasing happiness, fulfillment, and wellbeing
• Uplifting everyone around us
• Improving social and spiritual relationships
• Improving health by strengthening the immune system, normalizing blood pressure, lowering stress and depression
• Motivating action; it is contagious and spreads outward inspiring further acts of compassion and kindness (pay it forward chain reaction)
• Enlarging our perspective (and shows us our commonality with others)
• Helping us learn more about and understanding ourselves

Dalai Lama XIV (Tibetan spiritual leader) said, “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”  Ways that we can practice being compassionate include:

• being compassionate with ourselves (especially in forgiving our mistakes)
• being selfless
• listening to others fully and without judgment
• thinking before we speak or act
• encouraging others
• expressing our emotions; smile sincerely, cry when sad, laugh if appropriate
• sending meaningful messages
• showing kindness
• showing empathy
• being an advocate
• volunteering

Just as the cab driver in the story brought the woman a moment of joy, he was rewarded with a moment of joy that will last him a lifetime.  Being compassionate does indeed not only have a profound effect on others but also on those who show compassion to others. Let it be our goal this week and beyond to brighten our lives and the lives of others through our daily words and actions but also in showing compassion when the situation calls for it. 

“DETERMINATION DESIGNS DESTINY”

Author Abhijit Naskar tells us that “Determination designs destiny.”  While many feel destiny – those things that will happen in the future – can’t be controlled, I believe we do have some control over our destiny by the choices we make and by taking responsibility for our thoughts and actions and the outcomes or consequences of each.  Examples of determination designing destiny can be seen time and time again in those that overcome what seem to be insurmountable challenges to reach something they really desire.

Take the story of Matthew, a young man whose mother is sharing his incredible story in her presentation, “Peace Corps Volunteer to Successful Teaching Career: Matthew’s Story.”  Through Matthew’s story she introduces us to an amazing young man and his amazing family.   Matthew was diagnosed with a genetic disorder as a toddler.  Growing up, he had to overcome challenges as a result of the disorder, the least of which was the taunting by his peers because he was “different.”  Despite being told he was not college material, Matthew attended college to become a guidance counselor.  Not only did he earn his Bachelor’s Degree, but he also completed a Master’s Degree. He worked with the Peace Corps in Bulgaria to start his career, returned to work in inner-city schools in Philadelphia, PA, USA, then moved to Alaska USA and worked with children in the bush before his passing in 2022.

Matthew’s story is one of determination.  Like Matthew, when we are determined to do something, we are motivated to succeed.  When we are motivated to succeed we get done what needs done; we are able to achieve our goals and objectives.  We are successful because when we are determined, we become hopeful, resilient, persistent, and courageous.   Determined people also have a strong support network around them, helping and cheering them on every step of the way.  Let’s look at how these traits can help us, as they did Matthew, in overcoming challenges and in designing our destiny.

HOPE.  Hope is the expectation of something beneficial in the future; it is a feeling of expectation and desire.  Hope is a motivator; it helps us to keep going when times are hard.   Hope lets us know that no matter how bad things seem at the moment, no matter how dark, there will be something better and brighter around the corner. 

Keys to nurturing hope include:

• Remaining confident.
• Being resolute.
• Having a positive orientation.
• Making the most of the present moment.
• Focusing on what we can control.
• Having an attitude of gratitude.
• Reflecting on how we overcame past challenges.
• Remaining resourceful.
• Focusing on solutions.
• Surrounding ourselves with people who will provide encouragement.

RESILIENCE.  Resilience is our ability to bounce back from a challenging situation.  Resilience helps us remain healthy and helps us to cope with changes, challenges, and pressure.  Those who are resilient still experience difficulties in life; they still experience stress.  However, resilience gives them a tool they can use to deal with whatever is going on and then move on.

Keys to being resilient are:

• Having hope.
• Using positive self-talk. 
• Finding something positive in everything; looking for the opportunities within the situation; the challenge. 
• Focusing on gratitude; instead of focusing on what is wrong or what is lacking, we can be grateful what we do have in the moment. 
• Viewing obstacles as nothing more than challenges.
• Being persistent.

PERSISTENCE.  Persistence is dogged determination, tenacity, and perseverance. It is the ability to keep on going no matter what one may be facing or how one feels about the situation.  Interestingly, facing a challenge is a prerequisite for having to hang it there; for having to persist.  And, as we know, we will all face challenges along our life journey.  Persistence helps us maintain action and helps us produce results.  Persistence helps us become resolute in moving forward; it gives us the resolve to go on; it provides the drive. 

Keys to being persistent are:

• Remaining resilient.
• Having patience.
• Being determined so we can continue trying to do something although it may seem very difficult.
• Having confidence in ourselves and our abilities.
• Maintaining hope.
• Being committed to do what it takes to achieve what we want.
• Remaining optimistic.
• Having supporters who will stand by us providing encouragement.
• Having the courage to keep moving forward no matter what.

COURAGE is the mental or moral strength to face fear or danger or to persevere in the wake of adversity with confidence and resolution.  Those who are courageous are brave; they are not deterred by danger or pain. 

Courage comes from within us and we need to be able to unlock it within.  Keys to doing so include:

• Having persisted.
• Believing in ourselves.  
• Acknowledging our fears.  
• Letting go of the familiar. 
• Moving past worry. 
• Having a can-do mindset.
• Talking to someone.

STRONG SUPPORT NETWORK.  A network is a group of people who provide us with practical or emotional support. When facing challenging times, a support system can help us stay focused, positive, and action oriented.  For most of us, it is our informal support system of family, friends, partners, role models, and mentors to whom we’ll first turn, but there are also  formal support groups and professionals who we can turn to for whatever support we need whenever we are experiencing life’s ups and downs.

Keys to an effective support network include:

• Being open to share what is going on.
• Being open to constructive suggestions.
• Surrounding oneself with positive, empathetic, trustworthy, compassionate people; those who genuinely care about what we is facing.
• Knowing everyone’s boundaries.
• Receiving emotional, spiritual, practical, and informational assistance.

Author Roy T. Bennett says, “Your hardest times often lead to the greatest moments of your life. Keep going. Tough situations build strong people in the end.”  Indeed.  Matthew faced many tough situations in his life all of which helped him become a very strong and determined person, one who took “you will never” statements as a challenge to do just the opposite. We need to always remember that anything is possible so even when things seem grim, we shouldn’t count ourselves out.  We need to believe in ourselves and have hope, be resilient, be persistent, have courage, and engage with a strong support system.  And we need to remember Naskar’s words of “Determination designs destiny.” 

SUSTAINING OUR INNER CHILD

An advertisement currently appearing on American television, promoting car manufacturer Dodge and the all-new Hornet R/T, has caught my attention because of its use of one’s inner child.  According to information on the Hornet R/T, “The ad takes viewers to the side of the road where a man comes face-to-face with a familiar-looking boy and quickly finds himself on a joyride with his inner child. His ‘inner child’ hits the gas and zooms through the streets while schooling him on what he really needs in life, reminding him that ‘horsepower keeps you going, but torque gets you going.’”

Marriage and family therapist Catia Hernandez Holm tells us, “Within every person, there is a child. That child is filled with wonder, creativity, and the belief that anything is possible.” The inner child from the Dodge advertisement and the child Catia Hernandez Holm talks about is the part of us that remembers the joy of childhood and takes us back to a time when:

• we were free spirits
• our imaginations would run wild
• we were creative beyond reason
• our days were filled with laugher, fun, joy, and play
• we were wildly happy about anything and everything
• curiosity drove a lot of what we did
• we weren’t afraid to take a risk or make a mistake
• we bounced back from any type of daily disruption
• we lived in the moment

Yes, indeed.  Our inner child is the fun-loving part of us that we need to continually sustain because s/he allows us to approach situations with resilience, joy, happiness, creativity, and enthusiasm.  As adults, sometimes just dealing with the day-to-day things that come our way stretch us to the limit and at times, it doesn’t take much for us to reach a breaking point and feel quite stressed.  When we are stressed or when we are dealing with situations that throw us off course (as unwanted or unexpected change often does), it doesn’t take much for us to throw up our hands and feel like calling it quits.

Sustaining our inner child and allowing her/him to emerge and guide us especially when we feel overwhelmed or stressed can be positive and rewarding for us.  Six ways we can sustain our inner child are:

Living in the present moment.  Be present now.  Let the past go for a moment and don’t think about the future for a moment.  Get into what is happening here and now. 

Remaining open to wonder and awe.  Young children seem to find awe and wonder in the simplest and smallest of things.  We need to go back to a time when we were impressed by things.  Avoid being cynical. Look for the extraordinary in the ordinary.  We need to look at everything as if we were seeing it for the first time.  Quieting the mind and allowing ourselves to see and sense what is around us will help us be awestruck. 

Doing something that brings a smile to our hearts and our faces. Dance when hearing a favorite song.  Sing along with a favorite song.  Pull out the coloring book and crayons and maybe even color outside the lines.  Blow bubbles.  Create with play doh.  Run through a puddle.  Just do something fun.

Avoiding placing conditions or limits on what we desire.   We need to remain open at all times to receive the unexpected as well as what we think is coming.  Starting each day with an open mind about opportunities that may come our way and being ready for the who, what, where, when, and why of each day will go a long way in keeping our inner child happy and healthy.

Letting our imagination run wild and free.   Imagination is the ability of our minds to form pictures of something we have not seen or experienced or to think of new ways to use common things.  It is the creative part of our minds.  Our imagination allows us to look at things from a different point of view. 

Giving ourselves permission to make mistakes.  Young children don’t fear making a mistake.  When they do, they learn from it.  The figure out what they did wrong and work to right it.  We need to do the same.

When we sustain our inner child, we are more apt to see the magic in and find the fun and joy in simple things.  This is childlike wonder and it allows us to:

• have little or no fear of the unknown
• venture out of our comfort zone
• be imaginative and creative
• have little or no fear of failure
• be a visionary
• take on challenges
• believe we can achieve whatever we conceive
• try new things

It is these qualities of childlike wonder that help us when we feel overwhelmed or are stressed.  Approaching challenging situations with childlike wonder opens up endless possibilities for us. This approach allows us to be more creative, imaginative, innovative, divergent, or just plain different in how we deal with or solve whatever we’re facing.  Remember, our inner child exudes unbridled joy, boundless energy, a free-spirited nature, a wild imagination, creativity, happiness, enthusiasm, resilience, stamina, laughter, fun, curiosity, and a sense of wonder.  These are exactly the characteristics we want working for us when we are stressed or when we deal with challenging situations.  We need to take good care of our inner child so the skills s/he possesses are at our disposal anytime we need them.

FRIENDLY ENCOURAGEMENT

See if you can relate to this story:  At six years old, little Beverly was put on academic probation after first grade. Her biggest problem was reading. The assigned books were all boring educational stories about polite children. It was thanks to a school librarian’s friendly encouragement that the girl finally liked to read.

After college, Beverly began working as a children’s librarian. She still found children’s books boring. Dick and Jane weren’t at all like lively, curious, funny, angry, unruly real kids.

So Beverly Cleary became an author herself.  She wrote Ramona the Pest, Henry Huggins, Ribsy, The Mouse and the Motorcycle — more than 40 books in all. Her books won dozens of awards, sold more than 90 million copies, and are still beloved today.

Not bad for the little girl who didn’t like to read.

I certainly have had many people at different points in my life who have provided just enough friendly encouragement to get me through some challenging moments.  Motivational speaker and author Matthew Kelly says, “We all need a little encouragement from time to time.  Keep your eyes wide open for the people who cross your path who need encouragement.”   I love this advice.  Certainly author Beverly Cleary benefitted greatly from the school librarian’s friendly encouragement. 

We all have the ability to do just what that school librarian did.  We have it within our power to do wonders for those around us just by being encouraging in our words and actions.    Encouraging words and actions provide support, confidence, and hope and can make a world of difference for someone who may be silently struggling with something or for someone who just needs that little nudge to step out of their comfort zone to move themselves forward.

Encouragement helps others by:

• Boosting self-esteem.
• Building confidence.
• Motivating them to try something they might be avoiding, to step out of their comfort zone, or to continue pursuing something that is difficult and challenging.
• Giving them a sense of empowerment.
• Providing hope.
• Powering up positivity and a can-do attitude.
• Acting like “Popeye’s spinach,” providing extra strength to deal with what they may be facing.
• Seeing things from a different perspective.
• Making them work harder to accomplish goals.
• Knowing that they are not along and that someone cares.

Some things we can do to provide friendly encouragement to others include:

Smile.  Smiles lift others physically, emotionally, and mentally and just make those on the receiving end feel better about everything.

Notice when one does something, big or small, and acknowledge what was done.  Too often we don’t share thoughts with others when they’ve accomplished something.  No matter how big or small, affirming others and letting them know that we noticed and providing positive comments and authentic praise all go a long way.  Celebrating accomplishments makes a big impression.

Read body language and respond accordingly to nudge others in a helpful direction (like the librarian in the story).

Provide words or notes with positive messages. Whether it is a text, an email, a social media post, a letter, or a card, sharing positive messages goes a long way in providing encouragement for others.  This is an easy way to share positive vibes and ignite positive energy.

Say and do things that make people feel extraordinarily special.  This is especially effective when done in front of others.  Talk about a self-esteem booster.

Give undivided attention.  Giving some quality time to others, especially in this busy world of ours, makes one feel special, heard, and appreciated.

Acknowledge feelings.  Sensing when one is happy, sad, troubled, or challenged and sharing in whatever they are feeling makes a difference.   

Provide warm hugs and embraces.  Physical touch can mean a lot.  Be sensitive to the person and situation and only give when appropriate.  Otherwise, provide hugs and embraces virtually.

Support one’s efforts.   Giving our time and expertise or lending our voice to someone who is beginning a new venture is a great way to provide support and encouragement.

Just be there.  Being there means we provide quiet strength for someone.  We can listen.  We can share the depth of a powerful silence.  We can provide thoughts and prayers. We can connect emotionally and hold space.

Encouragement is an extension of kindness and whether we encourage or extend kindness in a small or big way, it always makes a huge difference.  Just as kindness has a ripple effect so does encouragement.  Our encouraging words and deeds have the ability to help not only the people who cross our path who need encouragement but others caught up in the ‘ripple effect.’  Be that person who, “…brightens a way, brings laughter from pain, lifts up a spirit, and who is a blossom of joy to brighten a day.”  (Excerpted from Encouragement by Jim Ness.)  In the coming days, let’s all do our best to give some friendly encouragement to someone who seems to need the boost.

WITH DETERMINATION ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE

May 12, 2024.  Mother’s Day.   In the United States, the second Sunday in May is set aside to honor mothers and their positive contributions to their families and society.  My mother passed in 2006 so Mother’s Day becomes a day of reflection and remembrance for me. 

I remember my mom as one of the most determined persons I have ever met.   Her mother died when she was only 11.  She learned to do a lot on her own.   She lived through the Great Depression.  (The Great Depression was a severe worldwide economic depression that took place mostly during the 1930s, originating in the United States. The timing of the Great Depression varied across nations; in most countries it started in 1929 and lasted until 1941.)  She learned to be creative and make what little she did have turn out to be something wonderful. 

When I was growing up and would tell her that I couldn’t do something, she would often say to me, “Can’t is just in your mind.  If you really want it, you will find a way to make it happen.  You see, Becky, where there’s a will, there’s a way.”

To this day, whenever I am facing a challenge or whenever I am frustrated by something not happening or not going as I had planned, I remember my mom’s advice and become resolute and determined to overcome whatever seems to be standing in my way.  I have learned that with determination anything is possible.  Now, the anything may not be exactly what I had envisioned for I may have to compromise on some things; however, the end result is usually most satisfying.

When we are determined to do something, we are motivated to succeed.  When we are motivated to succeed we get done what needs done; we are able to achieve our goals and objectives.  We are successful because when we are determined, we become:

• committed – we know what we want and have a plan to get there and we stick to the plan and don’t let much of anything get in our way
• resilient – we work to overcome challenges rather than give in to them
• persistent – despite difficulties, we obstinately continue toward our goal
• courageous – undeterred from our task
• confident – we are sure of ourselves and the direction in which we are headed
• focused – we direct our attention toward a specific goal and concentrate our energies on working toward it; we block out distractions
• optimistic – we are hopeful that we will be successful in reaching our goal; we don’t take can’t or no for an answer; we see the positive in every situation
• positive thinkers – we expect good and favorable results; we are able to eliminate and/or minimize negative thinking
• energetic – there is a sense of excitement about what we are doing or where we are heading and our passion for what we want and our focus on achieving it give us energy
• creative and divergent thinkers – we are able to think outside the box and come up with new and different ways to overcome challenges and obstacles; we move beyond doing more of the same

Indeed.  Where there’s a will there’s a way.   How many times has something occurred where our first thought is, “I just can’t deal with this?”  Probably a lot.  However, in those times, we need to learn to banish the words impossible and can’t from our mind (especially when we are dealing with change or something difficult).  WE CAN.  And, what seems impossible can become POSSIBLE when we are truly determined to do something; to reach a specific goal.

It is our will that provides the drive to move us above and beyond circumstances and challenges.  A strong will can provide the spark that may just propel us beyond the fear and anger of change, helping us find ourselves and our role in the changed environment; helping us work toward what it is we want in the changed environment.  Remember, the more determined we are, the stronger our will, the more effective and successful we will be in handling major and seismic change, unexpected change, setbacks, challenges, and adversities.    As Samuel Smiles (Scottish author and government reformer) said, “Where there is a will there is a way, is an old true saying.  He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able is almost to be so – to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.”

Yes, mom, you were right – where there is a will, there is a way and can’t is just in our minds. For this and all the great advice you gave over the time I had with you, I am eternally grateful.  Let’s all be grateful, not just today, but day and day out, for our moms and all the people who make a difference in our lives.

DEVELOPING A SPUNKY ATTITUDE

My dad raised beagles.  In most litters, all the puppies were normal size and healthy. But there was one year where there was a runt (an animal that is smaller than average, especially the smallest in a litter) who needed special care and attention.  That puppy was removed from the kennel and brought to the house to be nurtured and cared for.  I fell in love with that puppy and although I was quite young, I asked my mom if I could be its caretaker.  Until the watchful eye of my mom, I fed that puppy, I petted that puppy, I told that puppy that he was going to make it, and I just loved that puppy with my whole heart and soul. 

I named that puppy Spunky because there was just something special about him.  He had a special spark; a bold spirit. He was so, so feisty and he was as determined to live as I was to have him live.  Spunky lived up to his name.  He possessed an attitude that set him apart from all the other puppies in the litter.  He definitely had an unwavering determination and the ability to face, head on, any challenges that came his way. 

We all will face challenges along our life journey and if we face them with a spunky attitude, we will be better able to deal with even the most seismic of challenges.  When dealing with a seismic challenge we may feel like it is the end of the world, but it doesn’t have to feel that way.  Our attitude about a situation can make a huge difference in how we handle and manage any challenge, especially seismic ones.   What we think (our thoughts), what we do (our behavior), and what we feel (our emotional response) all make up our attitude.

Jean-Paul Sartre (French philosopher) said, “What is important is not what happens to us, but how we respond to what happens to us.”  And, it is our attitude that influences our choice of action and our response to what happens to us.  Because our response to situations is so important and because our attitude has a lot to do with how we respond, it is our attitude that determines how successful we will be in dealing with life’s challenges.

If being spunky isn’t a natural ‘go to’ attitude, here are a few strategies that might help bring out that bold spirit, that feistiness, that determination which may help deal with and overcome challenges:

CHANGE HOW WE THINK, ACT, OR FEEL.  I know, easier said than done.  Yes, but if we really want to change our attitude, we must alter one of these behaviors.  I recommend starting with thoughts and actions as these are easier to alter; emotions are more difficult to change.  We seem to have more control over what we think and how we behave so if we begin there, how we feel will eventually fall into line.

CONCENTRATE ON POSITIVE SELF-TALK.  Replace negative thoughts and words with positive ones, words that make us feel happy and in control.  Concentrate on positive thoughts with positive results.  We are in charge of what we think.  Let me repeat that.  WE ARE IN CHARGE OF WHAT WE THINK.  We need to kick out all the negative thoughts from our mind.

AVOID ENERGY VAMPIRES.  Stay away from people who focus on the negative.  They will suck the energy and spirit right out of us.  If we are in a conversation, reframe the negative conversation into a more positive one.  If we find ourselves caught in a negative conversation and there is nothing we can do to change the mood of the conversation then we must excuse ourselves. If the media is negative, tune it out or turn it off.    When possible, we need to surround ourselves with positive people.

LOOK FOR THE POSITIVE IN LIFE.  There is a positive aspect in everything. In every person, in every situation, there is something good. Most of the time, it’s not all that obvious. We have to look. And sometimes we have to look hard.  When faced with a difficult or challenging situation, we need to consciously think to, “What is good about this?” No matter how terrible the situation might seem, we can always find something good if we take the time to think about it. 

FIND SOMETHING ABOUT WHICH TO BE ENTHUSIASTIC.  Enthusiasm is intense and eager enjoyment or interest.  Norman Vincent Peale (American minister and author known for his work in popularizing the concept of positive thinking) said, “Enthusiasm releases the drive to carry you over obstacles and adds significance to all you do.”   Enthusiasm can fire up our determination and spirit.  Enthusiasm is the fuel that sustains us when dealing with challenges.  It is the fire that lights us up and keeps us moving forward in the face of difficulties. It lifts us up when the situation looks dark, and it energizes us when we are tired.  Enthusiasm increases our vitality.  When we are enthusiastic, our voice reflects our positive mood.  We stress less about everything. We are open to try new things.  All of this helps us cope with challenges more positively and confidently.    

POWER UP OUR PASSION.  Passion relates to a strong liking, a deep interest, or a devotion to something it creates the desire that creates commitment.  And, it certainly takes commitment to work toward anything that we want or to overcome any challenges we face along our life journey. When we are passionate about something, we put our whole heart and soul into making it happen.

APPROACH EACH DAY WITH AN ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE.   We need to be grateful for what we have and we need to count our blessings.  When we live with an attitude of gratitude our entire attitude towards life will change.

HAVE A CAN-DO ATTITUDE.  With a can-do attitude, we believe that we are capable of being successful in what we plan to do.  It’s about finding ways to make things happen instead of making excuses about why things can’t happen. It’s the ability of overcoming problems and obstacles that come in the way of success. 

Let’s all remember that it is our response to what happens to us that is important.  And, our attitude has a lot to do with how we respond.  So, it behooves us to approach life, especially the challenging moments in life, with an attitude that sets us up for success.  Since a spunky attitude is one characterized by qualities such as determination, feistiness, boldness, liveliness, and a can-do approach, bringing out our spunky side will help reinforce us with is needed to face challenges head on and to overcome them.  So, let’s all put our spunky attitude this week when the situation calls for it.

AVOIDING BURNOUT

Author Jon Gordon reminds us, “We don’t get burned out because of what we do. We get burned out because we forget why we do it. Remember your why and it will fuel you. On the days you don’t feel very positive, your mission and vision will keep you going and give you something to be positive about.”   This advice takes me back to when I was defending my Master’s thesis.  I have always been a hard worker, putting 110% into everything I do.  The members of the committee had noticed this about me and made it a point to remind me to stay balanced so I wouldn’t burnout (reach a state of physical and mental exhaustion).

Well, all these years later, I am still putting 110% into everything I do and I have yet to burnout.  I have heeded my committee’s advice and work to maintain a balance in my life, but what I think keeps me going at 100 %+ is that my personal mission (goals), vision, and purpose are always front and center.  All that I do helps me achieve my goals.  ‘My goals’ is the operative phrase.  I am not doing what I do to please anyone but myself.  I do what I do because I have the interest and my skills and talents match what I do.  When these factors are in play, it is easy to approach any task with passion – with a strong liking, a deep interest, or a devotion to something.  Passion is the enthusiasm, the zeal with which we approach something and it is the passion that keeps why we do and what we do front and center.

John Maxwell (American author, speaker, pastor) tells us that, “Passion energizes us to accomplish our dreams and gives us desire. You can’t coast to success. It takes passion and desire to undertake any great accomplishment. Does your passion match your dream?”  In my case, YES.  My passion matches my dream.  And it is that passion that helps me avoid burnout.

Approaching one’s personal and work lives with passion would be considered a non-traditional way to avoid burnout.  Other non-traditional ways include:

• playing and connecting with our inner child
• approaching tasks and situations with gusto
• smiling and knowing what puts a smile on our face
• showing our confidence and not fearing mistakes or failure
• observing what comes easy to us or what we find easy to do

I would be remiss if I didn’t provide some of the traditional ways to avoid burnout, such as:

• nurturing and balancing all aspects of our lives and ‘recharging our batteries’ when necessary
• setting healthy boundaries
• recognizing when we are stressed and implementing relaxation and stress reduction strategies
• taking care of ourselves (spirit, mind, body)
• having a support network
• seeking professional help when needed

For me, the two key strategies that have helped me avoid burning out are nurturing and balancing all aspects of our lives and ‘recharging our batteries’ when necessary and being passionate about what we do.  Remember, when we are passionate about something, we are excited to deal with it.  When we are passionate about something, we get so engrossed in dealing with it or working through it or with it that time just flies by.   When we are passionate about something, we put our whole heart and soul into making it happen.   

Passion is one of the most important keys to success and to avoiding burnout.  John Maxwell (American author, speaker, pastor) tells us, “Desire is everything—it can literally overcome any circumstance, obstacle or hindrance in your way. People with desire—with passion—have already succeeded before they even begin—because they never considered that their dream, no matter its magnitude, cannot be accomplished.” If we want to be successful at ‘whatever’ we are doing or facing (and avoid burnout along the way), we have to love ‘whatever’ it is. Passion seems to be a magical potion. 

Passion makes the impossible, possible.  It lightens our load by making things fun.  Passion breeds enthusiasm. It makes us feel good about ourselves and what we’re doing.  It is the natural “alarm clock” that makes us want to bound out of bed and start our day.  Passion helps us continue to travel our life journey with a spring in our step, a song in our heart, a smile on our face, and the strength to face whatever may come our way!  If our passion matches our goals and dreams we stand a good chance of achieving those goals and dreams without burning out.

FACING THE SUNSHINE

To pass the time while waiting my turn in a long line, I scrolled through Facebook. The following story, “Look Up,” by Lizzie Jayne caught my attention.
“How do you do it?” asked the rabbit.

“Do what?” replied the sunflower.

“Stand tall and strong after all you have faced.”

“I don’t know what you mean!” the flower exclaimed. “Will you explain?”

“Well, you’ve endured the birds pecking at your seeds and being trampled on when you were small. You’ve fought off all sorts of things that would ravage your leaves and faced the harshest of storms. Yet, here you are, tall and strong and beautiful. I do admire you. What’s your secret?”

“Ah, now that I do understand! Just turn your face towards the light that shines hope and love, then you can face anything life throws at you.”

“How often must I do this?” enquired the rabbit.

“Every single day” the flower replied, and lifted his head towards the sun.

I can relate to the light above bringing hope that allows us to face “anything life throws” at us.  As American poet Walt Whitman said, “Keep your face always toward the sunshine – and shadows will fall behind you.”  To me, Whitman is telling us to stay hopeful no matter what challenges we face on our life journey and that by focusing on the bright, the good (the sunshine) in our lives, we can be positive and optimistic even as we work through challenging times.  His words of wisdom are a call to look for the silver linings in life.

The challenging times in our life are like the clouds that block the sunshine from reaching us; without the hope of the light of the sunshine, we may feel unhappy, disappointed, fearful, stressed (add an emotion or an adjective that applies to you when something challenging happens).  But, we need to remember that ‘every cloud has a silver lining.’

In the midst of the ‘cloud,’ the challenge, it is often difficult to see beyond what is right in front of us.  But, every situation that is challenging does offer us a learning opportunity.  Every situation that is challenging provides us a blesson (a blessing with the lesson).  Every situation that is challenging seems to test our strength and patience but it also shows us just how strong and how much we really can endure.   While we don’t want things to be difficult or uncomfortable (cloudy), these situations do have merit, have value (a silver lining).  We just have to be open to look for and see the positive rather than focusing on the negative.  As blogger Edith Shannon said, “Sometimes two minuses make a plus.” 

There are a few things that we can do to get us to the point where we are able to see the silver lining (the good, the positive) when the clouds (the challenging, the negative) are hanging low.  We can reframe our thoughts.  Abraham Lincoln said, “We can complain because rose bushes have thorns or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.”  There is a positive aspect in everything; we just have to look for it.  We can see roses in the midst of thorns if we set our mind to it!

Making the most of all situations can also help us see the silver lining.  Despite any challenges, we can choose to be resilient and endure.  We don’t have to lose the twinkle in our eyes. Yes, life is hard at times, but it is our choice how we deal with and what we take from those hard times.  Overcoming a challenge makes us feel good!

We can also have an attitude of gratitude for what we do have.  Instead of focusing on what is wrong or what is lacking, we can be grateful what we do have in the moment. 

It also makes it easier to see the silver lining in the clouds if we concentrate on positive self-talk.  Replace negative thoughts and words with positive ones, words that make us feel happy and in control.  Concentrate on positive thoughts with positive results.

Reaching out to help someone else who may be struggling with something is another way to help us see the silver lining in situations.  When we can reach out and support, show kindness, empathize with others, or commiserate, it helps us put/keep things in perspective and helps us find good and see good in situations.

Silver linings reveal themselves on cloudy days.  (Same with rainbows – you can’t have a rainbow with the rain.)  Any challenge that leaves us feeling disappointed, angry, frustrated (any negative emotion) is our cloudy day. And, since we will all face some type of challenge in life, there may be several cloudy days throughout our life’s journey.  If instead of dwelling on the negative in the challenge we look for the silver lining, we may be better able to find or to make peace with ourselves and with the situation.

Even on a cloudy day, if we just look up and picture the sun, the light, above the clouds we will be able to avoid the shadows that try to take over.  We will be able to maintain hope.  We will be able to direct our energy on dealing with whatever we are facing.  We will make it through any challenge.