MOVING BEYOND FEELING STUCK

I have a friend who is dealing with an unexpected, seismic change to her life journey, one that has her wanting to cocoon herself in the comfort of her past.  To acknowledge her struggle (one to which many of us may be able to relate on some level), this week I want to talk about why the ability to keep moving forward is so important when dealing with change and transition.  Like her, have you ever felt so mired in something that you couldn’t move in any direction?  Think about how frustrating it is when you are stuck in traffic and can’t move forward, backward or sideward.  Not only can the inability to move be frustrating, but it can also be frightening.

Years ago, while on an adventure trip to a local lake that had been drained, my nephew and I both got stuck in the mud…literally.  We were exploring the lake bed.  My husband had warned us not to get too close to any wet, muddy spots.  I was trailing my nephew to make sure he didn’t get into any kind of trouble.  As it turned out, both he and I got stuck in the mud!  (Not the stuff we had been warned about, but other stuff closer to the shore whose looks were deceiving.)

Oh my!  Movement made things worse.  It was like being in quicksand where any movement can make you sink a little further and further in the wrong direction.  Anyway, while we weren’t sinking, we were unable to move.  I think my nephew was too young to realize the danger we were in; it truly was an adventure to him. But, I was frightened.   Not being able to move on or to make any progress in getting out of the mud was terrifying.  (My husband eventually rescued us by extending a long branch that we grabbed on to and with which he pulled us from the mud.) 

Sometimes it is the same with change.  Some changes seem way too hard to deal with so we just give up; we quit; we just get “stuck in the mud.” It is easier to stay rooted in our comfort zone than to move out of it and deal with the change at hand. However, staying rooted does nothing to help us navigate the “changing environment.”  We have to keep moving and keep moving forward; moving ahead and moving on. 

I hear you asking, “But when the change seems too overwhelming and I do get “mired in the mud,” how do I even think about moving forward?”   Let’s take a look at some things to remember that might just help “release” us and get us moving forward when we are feeling stuck.

Acknowledge that we are stuck.  Admit it. Avoid denial and resistance.  Explore what may be keeping us stuck.

Consider options that may help us move forward.  Is our mindset keeping us stuck?  What thoughts and beliefs do we need to change?   Are we frightened by a new beginning?  What about it scares us and what things can be done to overcome that fright?  Where do we want to go now?  What steps will get us there? 

Focus. The mind must be clear on what it needs to focus. There are times when it is critical to focus on what is taking place at that time. Concentrate on what is most important or what appears to be the priority.

Take small steps in the journey forward.  Avoid becoming overwhelmed if what we want to do or accomplish seems too big or seems like it will take too long.  Marathons are made up of one step after another after another.  It is fine to start with small steps.  Those small steps will eventually get us to where we want to be.

Work toward an inner calm.  Being stuck can ignite “bad” stress.  Take a few moments to breathe deeply, relax, and create an inner calm.  Employ a personal stress reduction/relaxation technique.

Get surrounded by positive. Focus on the good, the positive; invite positive people into your inner circle.

Keep the Faith.  Faith is a strong belief in something without proof or evidence.  It is the one thing that tells us to keep going, to get up tomorrow and to keep moving forward.

Ask for help.  We are not alone. It may feel that way sometimes, but there are many people who would extend their hand and lift us up if asked. All we have to do is ask.  Seek professional help when needed.

As Denis Waitley (American motivational speaker, writer and consultant) said, “There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.”   When we feel stuck it means the existing conditions are no longer working for us. We need to do something about changing those conditions so we can keep moving and keep moving forward; moving ahead and moving on.

DUSTING OURSELVES OFF AFTER A “RAINY DAY”

In an episode of the American TV sitcom, Mom, Nora (who is a recovering alcoholic and Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor to lead character Kristy) says to Kristy following an embarrassing moment, “We all have sunny days and we all have rainy days.  It’s how we dust ourselves off for the next day that’s important.”  I love this advice as it is so true.  Sunny days or days where everything seems to be going well often leave us feeling upbeat and good. But rainy days or days that have many challenging moments often leave us feeling down and negative.  For those rainy/challenging days, it is vitally important for us to take time to “dust ourselves off” and bounce back and move on from whatever “rained” on us.

That ability to bounce back from a rainy or challenging day/moment/situation is resilience. Resilience helps us remain healthy and helps us to cope with changes, challenges, and pressure.  People who lack resilience tend to become overwhelmed by change, challenges, and pressure.  They tend to dwell on the negative, on problems and these people experience more stress and recover slower from change, challenges, and pressure.  People who are resilient still experience difficulties in life; they still experience stress.  However, resilience gives them a tool they can use to deal with whatever is going on and then move on.

Keys to being resilient are:

• Having hope, that feeling of expectation that something good/beneficial will happen in the future.
• Using positive self-talk; replacing negative thoughts and words with positive ones, words that make us feel happy and in control. 
• Finding something positive in everything; looking for the opportunities within the situation; the challenge. 
• Focusing on gratitude; instead of focusing on what is wrong or what is lacking, we can be grateful what we do have in the moment. 
• Viewing obstacles as nothing more than challenges.
• Being persistent; going on no matter what we may be facing.
• Having a resilient mindset.

That last key is so important.  Having a resilient mindset means that we control the controllables – our thoughts, words, feelings, and actions – by responding to the situation rather than reacting.  Maintaining control will help with good decision making which will help with overcoming challenges the rain brought us. Adopt a positive, empowered, “I will get through this” attitude.  Choose to be proactive in a positive way.  When dealing with adversity, it is important to remember that in life, things happen around us, things happen to us, but the only thing that truly matters is what happens within us.  How we choose to respond to and what we make out of the situation is what truly matters and it is how we transform the situation from something rainy to something sunny.

How do we become more resilient?  Some suggestions I have include:

• Get grounded.  Remain in the present moment.  This helps maintain control.  Taking a few deep breaths or meditating can help us get grounded.
• Let go of the rain; of the challenging moment.  It is the holding on to whatever the challenging moment is that gives it the power. 
• Think solution or resolution instead of whatever is challenging us.  Oftentimes our thoughts can shift to the negative when we face something challenging.    Instead of placing blame or lashing out at the ‘problem,’ think of productive things that may help resolve whatever is creating the challenge.
• Keep things in perspective.  It is important to look at the moment and how it fits into the bigger picture.  Keeping the moment in context can help with this. 
• Replace negative thoughts with realistic, balanced ones that have positive overtones.  Do not be afraid to challenge the desire to react.  Don’t ignore the thought.  Instead, recognize it and work to replace the thought with something more positive and/or constructive.
• Practice positivity.  Adopt a positive attitude. (Remember, attitude is a choice.)  Focus on the positive.  Concentrate on positive self-talk.  If we feed our mind positive, it will weaken the negative.
• Work from an attitude of gratitude.  Acknowledge the rain, the challenge, but also look at all that went well within the day and be grateful for that.  Most of our rain and challenges are just moments in the day and we often let them overshadow all the sunny or good moments that also occurred throughout the day.  We should never lose sight of the sunshine that is alongside the rain.
• Relax.  Relaxation techniques are a great way to reduce anxiety and worries.  When we are more relaxed, we are able to look at the “rain,” the challenge, a little more rationally.  Creating a calm inner peace will help in dealing with the situation and with resulting emotions. 

Author Roy T. Bennett says, “Your hardest times often lead to the greatest moments of your life. Keep going. Tough situations build strong people in the end.”   Remember, who we become on our life journey is far more meaningful than what happens to us.  Dusting ourselves off and bouncing back from dealing with the “rain,” the challenge, is the first step to moving forward on our journey.  We often learn precious life lessons on the other side of the “rain storm.”  Applying what we learn from those lessons will help make our life journey more pleasant, productive, and positive.

FINAL GOODBYES

On April 13, 2022 many said their final goodbyes to someone much loved; someone known to others as Gran, Mom, Miss Louise, Mrs. Cotton, and/or friend.  Her passing has many grieving over the loss.  We all know that grieving is a very personal process.  There are stages, and processes, and tasks that accompany the grieving process.  And the amount of time it takes to work through those stages, processes, and tasks varies greatly person to person.  But, common to all who are grieving any loss is having to say that final goodbye to someone much loved.

Goodbye is a conventional expression used at parting.  It is a ritual, something done in a particular situation and usually in the same manner each time.  Saying goodbye is a routine that has meaning.  Saying goodbye, no matter the situation, helps us move on emotionally.  Goodbyes help lessen the pain we feel over someone’s departure. They help strengthen the connection, the bond, we all feel with whoever has moved on.

No one ever said that goodbyes are easy.  In fact, they are hard and they take courage because they do signify the loss of someone or something.  As Charlie Brown (a character in the comic strip Peanuts created by Charles M. Schulz) said, “Goodbye always makes my throat hurt.”  Indeed.  Goodbyes, no matter the situation, can make not only our throat hurt, but our heart (from the ache of the loss) and our eyes (from the many tears that we shed).  But, saying goodbye is important when dealing with loss because it:

Gives us a sense of peace.  Prior to a loss, we are usually an “emotional mess.”  Saying goodbye brings a measure of freedom from being an “emotional mess” and allows us to move forth in a more tranquil manner.

Provides a sense of closure.  It does help with identifying the need to let go and move on.

Helps lessen pain.  Just the action of saying goodbye is cathartic.  Many goodbyes are accompanied by hugs which always seem to help no matter what the situation.

Strengthens connections with friends and family.  Dr. Samuel Mahaffy in a blog post on “Lingering in Relational Presence:  The Value of a Good ‘Good-by” says, “Good good-byes are relationship affirming.  They say ‘yes’ to that which endures and grows when we are apart.  By saying a good good-bye we affirm relational presence in our absence from each other.  Just as being present to each other is an art, so is saying good-bye well.”

Shows that we valued someone.  The care, concern, and role the person had in our life is acknowledged when we say farewell.

Signifies the start of something new; something different. While we may not have asked for the new or different, the final goodbye reaffirms something has ended and that we need to move on without that person’s physical presence, but instead, with warm and wonderful memories.

American novelist and nonfiction writer Katharine Weber has an interesting take on our life journey:   “Life seems sometimes like nothing more than a series of losses, from beginning to end.  That’s the given.  How you respond to those losses, what you make of what’s left, that’s the part you have to make up as you go.”    Indeed, how we respond to the losses in our life and what we make of what’s left is a challenge for all of us. 

Saying that final goodbye helps us deal with the challenge of what is left.  We mourn what was and yes, we often have a tough time envisioning what will be.  But, we move on because our life journey continues to move on.  The path of that journey has undoubtedly changed and where it will now lead, we don’t know (but then again, we really didn’t know before the loss occurred, did we?).  We can be sure that there will be more changes along the way.  More tears of sadness.  But, beyond the tears of sadness there is a rainbow waiting.  I have no idea how long it will take any of us to see or find that rainbow for we all experience change and especially the losses associated with it in a different way.  But along our life journey, we must keep our eyes open for the rainbow. And we do that by continually moving forward especially after giving someone their final goodbye.

Mrs. Cotton, I bid you farewell and I thank you for being a part of my journey.  Your spirit will always be with me and those who dearly loved you.  Memories of you will keep us all moving forward. Within those memories, we will continue to shed tears of sadness and tears of joy.  Those tears will eventually heal the heartache that comes with this final goodbye.  Beyond the heartache, the journey, while changed, will continue to lead me, as it does all of us, to a new beginning and to that rainbow.   In my new beginning, I will celebrate you, Mrs. Cotton, and all the joy and happiness you brought in your time with me and others.  In my new beginning, any tears of joy will help me find and help me build my rainbow.  Goodbye Mrs. Cotton.  It was a pleasure and an honor having you along for part of my life journey.

OUR POINT OF VIEW MAKES A DIFFERENCE

Have you noticed that your point of view – the attitude or way you consider a matter – affects how you consider or evaluate something?  Take, for example, the following story:

“There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head. “Well,” she said, “I think I’ll braid my hair today.” So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head. “Hm…mm..,” she said. “I think I’ll part my hair down the middle today.” So she did and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head. “Well,” she said, “Today I’m going to wear my hair in a ponytail.” So she did, and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn’t a single hair on her head. “YAY!” she exclaimed. “I don’t have to fix my hair today!”

Attitude is everything.

Absolutely!  Attitude is everything.  Our attitude influences our perspective or our point of view of situations.  Those who know me know that I am optimistic and usually see the positive in everything.  I would be like the woman in this story, making the best of the situation that faced me.  Barry Neil Kaufman (author and co-founder of The Option Institute International Learning and Training Center®) said, “The way we choose to see the world creates the world we see.”   If we want to “see” or to “have” a positive/good world, we need to choose to see the things that happen to us in that world as positive or good.   

There are many who facing the same situation as the woman in the story would be devastated by that they saw.   They would see the negative in what was going on and make that their focus because their negative attitude influences their perspective.  There is nothing wrong with seeing the negative because there is a duality (the two-sidedness of the world; yin and yang) to everything:  good/bad, happy/sad, positive/negative, dark/light, soft/hard (add your own to the list).   It is important to acknowledge the complementary relationship of this duality and that there is a positive and a negative side to each.  However, if we want our life journey to be a positive one, despite the challenges we face, then it is vital that we not dwell or get lost in the side that is unpleasant or negative. 

Yes, acknowledge the unpleasant, the negative, but don’t let that define the situation or the challenge.  Move beyond and look for the pleasant, the positive.   Doing so gives us power and control over the situation, the challenge.  Doing so gives us resilience and with resilience, we are better able to face the situation, the challenge with resolve and with strength. 

When faced with a situation such as the woman in the story or faced with our own personal challenge, we have a choice.  We can choose to acknowledge what we don’t like and move on or we can choose to let what we don’t like about the situation fester and halt us in our tracks.  A positive attitude does indeed give us power over our circumstances.   It puts us in control and diminishes any power our circumstances have over us. Believing that we can overcome anything is half the battle.   That belief gives us confidence.  That belief steers us away from doubts which can immobilize us and turn our attention away from solutions.  That belief helps keep our attention on whatever the issue, whatever the challenge, is.   If we let a positive attitude guide us, it is easier to glean the meaning from daily activities.  It is easier to say yes to all of life’s experiences because we work from a foundation that keeps us uplifted and willing to face challenges.

If we want to change our life, we need to change our attitude to one that allows us to keep moving forward.  Within any challenges we face in our world, we need to work through those with a positive attitude if we are to:

• find the positive or good in them.
• overcome negativity bias.
• let go of the moment that we consider bad or challenging or troublesome.
• productively deal with life’s unexpected moments.
• create a calm inner peace.
• move from reaction to response.
• move from complaining to doing something about what we are facing/feeling.
• avoid being overwhelmed.
• see the bigger picture.
• keep things in perspective.

Our life journey is similar to riding a roller coaster.  There will always be ups, those times when the journey is filled with joy, happiness, laughter, smiles, special moments, celebrations, blessings, opportunity…  There will always be downs, those times when the journey is filled sadness, heartache, disappointment, hardship, obstacles, challenges, lessons… 

When the roller coaster has us ‘down,’ it is important to maintain a positive attitude and remember that the down will be followed by an up so we shouldn’t be thrown off track by the down.  Just let things be; things will work themselves out.  While things are working themselves out, we need not dwell on the situation but rather accept what is happening, deal with what we are facing, and look to how we can learn and grow from the experience.  For remember, the ‘up’ after the ‘down’ is coming and in that up, things will be better, we will be happier, and we will continue on the “track” of this life journey.  And, it is our point of view, our attitude, that will make the difference in how we handle whatever comes our way. 

MOVING FORWARD BY LETTING GO OF WHAT WAS

I am active in an organization that was founded nearly 100 years ago when long distance communication happened via telegrams, when long distance travel was done via trains and ocean liners, when automobiles were just beginning to replace personal transportation modes of bicycles and horse drawn carriages, and when the radio provided the news and entertainment since the first household television was still two years away.   How does an organization founded nearly 100 years ago stay relevant, vital, and vibrant in the 21^st century, a century that communicates, travels, and socializes vastly different due to all the advances in technology? 

Long distance communication in 1929

Long distance communication in 2022

It does so through change.  And, many changes that this organization has made over the decades involved letting go of some practices, traditions, and/or rituals that were near and dear to many members’ hearts.  Each of these changes came with a loss, especially the loss of a familiar way of doing something.  Anytime we venture out of the familiar, we move out of our comfort zone, something that isn’t always the easiest thing to do.

However, to successfully move forward, as this organization is doing, venturing out of comfort zones and letting go of some of what was is necessary. We all know that letting go can be difficult.  But there are some things that we can do to help us let go so we can move on.  We can:

Recognize that it is time to let go and move on.   Each us rides the roller coaster of grief anytime we deal with any kind of loss.  When it is time, we will know when to depart that roller coaster and begin moving forward with life.  And when we choose to let go, it means that we have gained the strength to say ‘I won’t let the things weighing me down continue to keep me down.’  (This is different from saying ‘I can’t do this anymore.’  Can’t do is a sign of giving up.)  We need to strive for letting go and moving on instead of just giving up and staying put.

Deal with emotions that may be making it difficult to let go.  Our emotions underlie the difficulty of letting go and moving on.  It is important to acknowledge any emotion we may feel:  anger, disappointment, regret, resentment, sadness, denial, shock, frustration, resistance, panic, or other emotional response.  However, it is vital that we not let the emotional response control us and paralyze us. At some point, we need to work through the emotion and we need to create situations for positive emotions and feelings to sprout and grow.

Reflect on what was, what is, and what we want to happen.  Understand how all the pieces created the whole, but recognize that not all the pieces will fit into what is the new.  As when building a puzzle, there are many factors that determine if a piece will fit into a given space.  We can’t force something into a given space.  It is the same with life. Sometimes we just have to let go of one “piece” so the right one, when it comes along, will fit.

Accept our past and what has happened but learn from our own history.   The lessons we learn will help us let go and move forward.

Ride the wave of momentum.  When we hang on to what was, we are resisting change and growth.  But, if we let go, the momentum of the moment will take over and will take us to new possibilities and opportunities. 

Focus on what is truly important.  We need to make a list of all the things that are most meaningful, most important to us.  Begin to let go of “stuff” in our lives that doesn’t make the list; this is the “stuff” that interferes with us letting go and moving on. 

Visualize our goal.   If what we are holding on to doesn’t help us reach our goal, it is definitely time to let go.

Practice a relaxation technique to help regulate the emotions we are feeling.  Creating a calm inner peace will help in dealing with the situation and with resulting emotions.  Implement whatever works for you:  meditation, prayer, deep breathing, guided imagery/visualization, mindfulness, progressive muscle relaxation, rhythmic exercise, walking, journaling, listening to music, etc.

Be positive.   We need to do our best to start each day on a positive note.  Think: this is going to be a great day!  Take everything in stride.  Look for the positive in all that is going on.  Smile.  Laugh.  Try to eliminate as many negatives from thoughts, words, and actions as possible. 

Someone once said, “There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.”   Indeed.  Sometimes we need to let go of something so that we can have a new beginning.  Whether it is an organization nearing 100 years old that wants to remain vital, vibrant, and relevant in today’s age or whether it is us wanting to move forward with our life journey, there may be times when we need to let go of the old before we can pick up with the new – not just outwardly, but inwardly, where we keep our connections to people and places that act as definitions of who we are.  We need to let go of those things that are holding us back from a vital, vibrant, relevant, happy, productive, and satisfying life.  This week, let’s all take a small step forward by releasing something that has been holding us back.

IMPORTANT LIFE LESSONS FOR OUR JOURNEY

How many of you are familiar with Charlie Macksey’s book The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse?  (I highly, highly recommend it.)   For those not, it is the story of a friendship that develops between a curious boy, an insightful mole, a wary fox, and a wise horse. It is about a journey of discovery, of getting home (not a physical place but rather getting back to being centered; getting back to our values and what is truly important), and of important life lessons.  This week, I would like to focus on a few of the life lessons from the perspective of each character. (Italicized items are direct quotes from the book. The numbers after each lesson correspond to the theme discussed later in the article.)

The Boy

• No matter our size, we make a huge difference. (3)
• We should want to be kind when we grow up. (2)
• Doing nothing with friends is never doing nothing. (1)
• One’s best discovery is that I’m enough as I am. (3)

The Mole

• Success is to love. (1)
• If at first you don’t succeed, have some cake, but sometimes hugs are better than cake because they last longer. (1)
• The biggest waste of time is comparing ourselves to others.  (3)
• We should listen less to our fears and more to our dreams.  (4)
• Don’t fear the “wild.”  Imagine how we would be if we were less afraid.  (4)  (Note:  The wild is the area outside our comfort zone.)
• “One of our greatest freedoms is how we react to things.” (3)
• Being kind to ourselves is one of the greatest kindnesses. (2)
• We often wait for kindness…but being kind to yourself can start now.  (2)
• The greatest illusion is that life should be perfect. (3)

The Fox

• “We all need a reason to keep going,” said the horse.  “What’s yours?”  “You three,” said the fox. (1)

The Horse

• Everyone is scared, but we are less scared together.  (1)
• The bravest thing we can say is “Help.” (1)
• We are strongest when we dare to show our weakness. (3)
• When we ask for help we aren’t giving up; we’re refusing to give up. (1)
• Nothing beats kindness.  It sits quietly beyond all things. (2)
• Sometimes just getting up and carrying on is brave and magnificent. (3)
• When the dark clouds come…keep going. (4)
• Don’t look at how far you have to go but on how far you’ve come.  (4)
• When our heart hurts, we should wrap them with friendship, shared tears, and time till they wake hopeful and happy again.  (1)
• We matter, we are important, we are loved and we all bring things to the journey no one else can. (3)

Four themes in these life lessons resonated with me – the importance of having friends, a support network; kindness makes a difference; a strong and realistic sense of self matters; the need to keep moving forward.  And, while not stated directly, a sense of optimism and positive thinking are implied in much of the dialogue between the main characters.

1. Friendships – those relationships and connections we have with others which are characterized by assistance, approval, and support and where key components include trust, concern, care, and understanding – are vital to a successful life journey. Friends provide a measure of stability that is most helpful when dealing with the bumps associated with our life journey, especially changes that rock our world.   Friends listen, encourage, provide suggestions and advice, and are just there to provide whatever support may be needed.

2. Kindness is a behavior characterized by being friendly, generous, and considerate.   It always makes a difference, not only for the person receiving the kindness but also for the one giving it.  Since kindness has a ripple effect that has far-reaching results, we never know what may come full circle back to help us. 

3. Sense of self is the confidence we have in ourselves; the belief or conviction that we have in our abilities and in what it takes to meet and overcome challenges.  A strong sense of self leads to success in what we do, happiness with life, more positive life interactions, a better sense of control and direction, and less doubt, more contentment and peace of mind.  When we believe in ourselves, we are willing to try new things, change direction should we need to, and take action on things we face on our life journey.    When we believe in ourselves, anything is possible!

4. Moving forward is moving ahead and moving on.  The ability to move forward is so important when dealing with challenges on our life journey because oftentimes it seems easier to just quit and give up.   It is easier to stay rooted in our comfort zone than to move out of it and deal with facing the challenge.  However, staying rooted does nothing to help us.  If we “don’t fear the wild,” the move out of our comfort zone forces us to re-evaluate ourselves, to search for pockets of strength we didn’t even know we had, and to move onward and upward to where we want to be.

The lessons learned from the boy, the mole, the fox, and the horse are timeless.  The next time we face a challenge or are in search of “going home,” if we can reflect on the wisdom of these four characters (and focus on friendships, kindness, sense of self, and moving forward), we will, lead a full and rich life fulfilling our purpose and being the best we can be.

I would be remiss if I failed to share my favorite lesson from the book:  The mole says to the boy, “I’ve learned how to be in the present.”  “How?” asked the boy.  “I find a quiet spot and shut my eyes and breathe.”  “That’s good, and then?”  “Then I focus.”  “What do you focus on?”  “Cake,” said the mole.  Anyone for cake?

MOVING BEYOND INVISIBLE BARRIERS

Have you ever felt defeated before even starting something? Oftentimes this happens when the chatter in our head tells us that the last time we tried something similar it was an epic fail. Or, how about trying to move forward after an unwanted or unexpected change? Does the head chatter overwhelm you with not-so-positive thoughts? That head chatter can influence our mindset (which consists of beliefs and beliefs are thoughts that are repeated over and over for a period of time that determine how we respond to things). Take for example the following story:

During a research experiment a marine biologist placed a shark into a large holding tank and then released several small bait fish into the tank.

As you would expect, the shark quickly swam around the tank, attacked, and ate the smaller fish.

The marine biologist then inserted a strong piece of clear fiberglass into the tank, creating two separate partitions. She then put the shark on one side of the fiberglass and a new set of bait fish on the other.

Again, the shark quickly attacked.  This time, however, the shark slammed into the fiberglass divider and bounced off.  Undeterred, the shark kept repeating this behavior every few minutes to no avail.  Meanwhile, the bait fish swam around unharmed in the second partition.  Eventually, about an hour into the experiment, the shark gave up.

This experiment was repeated several dozen times over the next few weeks.  Each time, the shark got less aggressive and made fewer attempts to attack the bait fish, until eventually the shark got tired of hitting the fiberglass divider and simply stopped attacking altogether.

The marine biologist then removed the fiberglass divider, but the shark didn’t attack.  The shark was trained to believe a barrier existed between it and the bait fish, so the bait fish swam wherever they wished, free from harm.

The moral of this story is relevant to us (and to questions I posed at the start of this blog). Many of us, after experiencing setbacks and failures, will often just stop trying and we give up (emotionally and physically). Like the shark in the story, we believe that because we were unsuccessful in the past, we will always be unsuccessful. In other words, we continue to see a barrier in our heads, even when no ‘real’ barrier exists between where we are and where we want to go.  

So, what is holding you back? Is your mindset the invisible barrier that is holding you back from trying something new or productively dealing with change?   Think about a time when you really wanted to do something or when change entered your life.  Did you have a fear of the unknown?  Did you have a fear of failure?  Did you fear leaving your comfort zone?  Did you not want to step out of the familiar, the routine?  All of these are valid reactions to trying something new or to change, but we need to move beyond them.  However, sometimes it is difficult to do because of invisible barriers, especially when that barrier is our mindset. 

Earlier I said that our mindset consists of beliefs and beliefs are thoughts that are repeated over and over for a period of time that determine how we respond to situations.   And the longer we think that something can or can’t happen, the more we believe that thought, the more we act accordingly.  So, our mindset is very powerful.  It can control us; it can hold us back from doing things and in times of trying something new or in times of change, it can definitely hold us back from moving forward.  Let’s explore some things we can do to rid ourselves of that invisible barrier; to change a mindset that might be holding us back. 

If you feel like you are held back by an invisible barrier explore what created the barrier.

What was said or done that put the barrier in place? What is being held on to so tightly that it stands in the way of moving forward? The mindset that is holding you back needs challenged. If negative thoughts (I could never do…, I don’t think I can do this…, I’m not as good as….) dominate your mindset, what action can you take to eliminate the negative?  Can you try to focus on the positive?  Is the negative a learned, an ingrained behavior?  If so, you can unlearn it.  Change the ‘I could never’ and the ‘I don’t think’ to words of encouragement.  Don’t feed the cycle of negativity.  One way to starve the cycle of negativity is to practice positive self-talk. You are what you think. So, if you think you can, you will. If you repeat positive thoughts, your mind will begin to focus on what you want. Feeding your mind positive will weaken the negative.

If your mindset is set on a specific goal (I want to make…, I want to be…), what action can you take to work toward that goal?  What are the steps you can take to move in the direction of that goal?  You can’t sit on the sidelines; you have to take action!

This isn’t about the how, only the what. In order to change your mindset you need a firm foundation from which to step. Understanding what and where you want to go in life will provide your vision and spirit – your foundation.   Have a vision for what you want.  Set goals to reach that vision; these goals will help shape your mindset.

Whatever your goal, your dream, or your desire, you must believe that you are worthy of achieving it. Replace the self-limiting tape that your mindset might be playing with a newer one that contains the truth – you are worthy to have your heart’s true desire. 

Learning from failure , looking back at a circumstance, and figuring out what went wrong gives you some very important information. This review allows you to evaluate what worked and what didn’t, and more importantly, why. Often when you are removed from a situation, you can look at it more objectively which will allow you to make better choices.

In the story, the shark, after weeks of coming up against the barrier, finally gave up. Even when the barrier was removed, the shark failed to try one more time. It had lost its resolve. But, just when we feel like we are totally defeated is when we need to dig in our heels and become more resolute; we need to be determined and unwavering in our attempt to deal with the situation.

Persistence is dogged determination, tenacity, and perseverance. It is the ability to keep on going no matter what we may be facing or how we feel about the situation. When we get to the point where we want to give up and don’t know where to turn, take a moment to think of people who persisted despite the odds (e.g., Ghandi, Martin Luther King Jr., Helen Keller, Abraham Lincoln, Anne Frank). Make a list of what they did to persist in the wake of what they were facing.

Develop a support network. Make sure there is a strong connection with at least one person who can provide encouragement and motivation. Those in this network should be considered ‘accountability’ managers.

When dealing with a setback, it is vitally important not to give up, especially if the setback is caused by our mindset serving as an invisible barrier. The suggestions offered here will be helpful but only if we make a commitment to do something to get rid of the barrier; to change our mindset.  The key that will help break down the barrier and bring about lasting change is taking action.  Just wanting to get rid of the invisible barrier, to change our mindset isn’t enough.  We MUST DO SOMETHING!  We have it within us to identify what is holding us back.  We do have it within us to move beyond the invisible barrier. We do have it within us to live the life we want.  If we are resolute to deal with the situation, we can move beyond invisible barriers and move forward on our life journey.

REMAINING GROUNDED WITH A STRONG INNER CORE

As I was engaged in my annual end-of-the-year reflection, I came across this Ralph Waldo Emerson (an American essayist, lecturer, philosopher, and poet who led the transcendentalist movement of the mid-19th century) quote:  What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.  His phrase what “lies within us” reminded me of the Fall of the Big Tree story.  The story goes:

There was a famous old big tree.  Because of its age and size, this strong tree was a big attraction for tourists.  No matter how strong a storm, the big tree never fell down.

Unexpectedly, one day the tree fell down.  That was big news.  Many people came to see the tree and to find the reason for its fall.  No one could until one day, a young child noticed that at the root of the tree, insects had made a hole and eaten up the wood inside.  Since there was no wood inside, the tree became weak and fell down.

Moral of the story:  All growth and destruction comes from inside.  It is important to maintain both our inside and outside because destruction happens not because of what happens on the outside, but because of the inner wound.

This story really speaks to me about the importance of keeping our inner core strong, physically, emotionally, and mentally.  If we can keep our inner core strong, if we can stay grounded, our chances of successfully dealing with challenges that come our way are increased.

Being grounded entails more than just be firmly rooted “in or on the ground.”  Like the tree in the story, outwardly we can appear to be standing tall and strong but if inside we aren’t equally as strong, it might not take much for us to crumble when the slightest of challenges comes our way.

When we are grounded from within, we:

• are aware of the present moment
• believe in ourselves and exude confidence
• are able to maintain balance and a presence of mind in all circumstances
• stay true to our values and beliefs
• are resilient
• can take things in stride knowing no matter what happens, we’ll be fine
• have a clear sense of direction, using our goals to guide us
• maintain our own views and convictions and aren’t easily influenced by those around us
• know our strengths and weaknesses

We should all have a goal of remaining as grounded (with a strong inner core) as possible.  Some things we can do to work toward this goal include:

 

 

1. Reaffirm values, beliefs, and goals and ensure that they are the guiding forces in decision making and direction.
2. Stay focused and clear in purpose.
3. Take more steps forward than back.
4. Maximize personal strengths while minimizing weaknesses.  If possible, engage in activities that help turn weaknesses into strengths.
5. Recognize that there are those who will view our strengths as weaknesses and attempt to use that against us (e.g., attention to detail might be viewed as being picky).   Knowing that this is a reaction on their part to anger or hurt us will help us ignore it or just move on.
6. Be the calm in the eye of the storm.  Engage in relaxation techniques as needed.
7. Power up the positivity.  Maintain an optimistic, positive outlook.
8. Practice patience.
9. Stay surrounded by positive, supportive people who can spread positive energy.
10. Return to center if feeling off balance.

As we head into a new year, having a goal of staying grounded and maintaining a strong inner core might be just what it takes for our life journey to proceed on a brighter, more even, and positive path.   Brian Tracy (motivational speaker and self-development author) said, “You have within you right now, everything you need to deal with whatever the world can throw at you.”  Indeed. What “lies within us” will help us move forward on our life journey.  Our source of strength comes from our foundation so we must remain grounded with a strong inner core.  If we do, no matter what we face in the new year, we will be able to face it with determination, persistence, confidence, and resolve.

SETTING GOALS CAN HELP WITH SEISMIC CHANGE

We know that change is a constant in our lives.  There probably isn’t a day that goes by that we don’t deal with some type of minor change and since minor changes don’t disrupt our lives too much we deal with them and just move on.  Major changes (such as retirements, graduations, relocations) and seismic changes (those of enormous proportions that cause severe shock, distress, and grief  such as an expected death, the loss of a job, an unexpected medical diagnosis, or news that has life altering consequences) are the ones that grab our attention and may throw us for a loop.

Seismic change is what came to mind as I listened to the story of Jim Uhrig.  Two weeks ago I had the pleasure of meeting Jim and after listening to his story, I find him to be a wonderful role model for how to deal with seismic change.  Jim, who hails from southwestern Pennsylvania, USA, was leading a full and active life.  Then, one day, early in 2008 “…doing ordinary, mundane things like tying his shoes and walking up steps literally took his breath away.  He had trouble breathing and it seemed as though he could never catch his breath.”   Jim received an unexpected medical diagnosis, one of seismic proportions that would change the path of  Jim’s life journey.  He was diagnosed with incurable idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis (a lung disease that occurs when lung tissue becomes damaged and scarred; thickened, stiff tissue makes it more difficult for the lungs to work properly).  Treatment is available for the condition but the only solution is a transplant.

Jim Uhrig, double lung transplant recipient

Jim shared, “Facing the challenge of a possible lung transplant will immediately grab your attention, as breathing is essential to life itself. There is an incredible emptiness and fear when you cannot get air and you grasp for the next breath.”   In his story, Jim relayed his journey from diagnosis in May 2008 to having to rely on prescribed oxygen beginning in July 2008 to receiving his transplant in April 2009 to returning to work in September 2009 to being a 10-year double lung transplant survivor (average is five years).

 

I thought it incredible that Jim returned to his job in sales and management for a refractory company five months after his double lung transplant. But, that had been his goal.  Hearing that only reinforced for me the power and importance of setting goals, especially when dealing with seismic change.  This week, let’s take at how setting goals can help us deal with seismic change.

 

Goals provide the fuel for our hopes and dreams.  They motivate and inspire us. Writing down our desired result and then mapping a plan to reach it keeps us excited about getting there.  Goals give us the ‘drive’ to keep working toward our desired result.

When we set goals we challenge ourselves to go above and beyond to reach them.  We strive to show ourselves and others that we can overcome any obstacles the seismic change threw in our way.  We work hard to prove that we have what it takes to reach our destination.

Hope is the expectation of something beneficial in the future; it is a feeling of expectation and desire.  Goals give us hope.  Hope helps us to keep going when times are hard.   Hope lets us know that no matter how bad things seem at the moment, no matter how dark, there will be something better and brighter around the corner.

Each step we take that gets us closer to our goal enhances our belief in ourselves.   Goals give us confidence and increased self-confidence allows us to move above and beyond, breaking the bounds of our comfort zones.

Setting a goal means that we are obligated to act on it. We have to walk the talk and goals help keep us accountable.  Tracking our progress toward our goals makes us accountable for what we do and how we do it.  We have to accept responsibility for our actions and when we do something that falls short of the mark, we have the opportunity to reassess and get back on track.

Just as a magnifying glass focuses the sun’s energy, goals focus our energy and where we put our attention.   When our attention is focused, we avoid wandering aimlessly and instead, plan and do things with intention, working toward a specific end.  Goals provide us direction and help us discover what we truly want out of life.

When we set goals we make things happen.  When we know what we want and where we are headed, we seem to attract the resources we need to make what we want a reality.  People with skills or ideas we need seem to cross our path at just the right time.  We gain the strength we need to get over a rough patch.  We hear or see words that provide the inspiration we need at the right time.   Our eyes, ears, mind, and heart are more open to take in the things around us, things that we need to propel us toward our goal.

Jim is the most recent person to come into my life who dealt admirably with a seismic change. (For more information on Jim’s story, visit his blog site at partners4lifeblog.wordpress.com or his website at  www.Partners4Life.org.)   In addition to  positive thinking, partners, hope, and faith,  his having goals gave him the edge to not give in or give up.  Having goals did provide the necessary motivation and inspiration to push him to overcome what could have been stumbling blocks.

No doubt about it.  Goals help keep us moving forward.  Goals are our plans for the future.  Goals are what we are trying to achieve.  When we set goals, we determine what result we want and then we put forth the effort to achieve that result.  As inspirational author Orison Swett Marden says, “All who have accomplished great things have had a great aim, have fixed their gaze on a goal which was high, one which sometimes seemed impossible.”  When seismic change hits, we need to take aim and make sure we know where we are going.  Setting and working toward achieving goals will help us through the toughest of seismic changes.

ONE YEAR = 365 OPPORTUNITIES

Last week, I wrote about visiting a community in which I had lived and worked over 23 years ago.  In those 23 years, I’ve had some wonderful professional and personal experiences and when compared to days gone by, I notice how much I’ve grown.

Growing and moving forward is what life is all about.  No matter how good we had it in the past, if we focus on what was, we will never be able to see what is. And, what is, the present, has so much to offer.  In fact, each year presents us with at least 365 opportunities (sets of circumstances that make it possible to do something) to experience.

Now, moving forward doesn’t mean we forget what is behind us (the past).  Instead, we learn from it and gain perspective from it using the lessons to guide us as we move forward with our lives.  It is important to look at where we’ve been and what we’ve experienced in order to continue to do what works or to avoid what doesn’t (avoid the same mistakes or pitfalls; prevent the recurrence of a painful experience).  Someone said, “Moving on is not about never looking back.  It’s about taking a glance at yesterday and noticing how much you’ve grown since then.”

Our experiences of yesterday will most certainly be reflected in our experiences of today.  And, the experiences of today will undoubtedly impact our tomorrows.  In each of our todays (and we get 365 of them each year; 366 in a leap year), we will have many opportunities and adventures. It is up to us to embrace each and make the most of each and every one. By doing so, we keep growing and moving forward.

  Our interpretation of and reaction to each opportunity and adventure drives how we experience the present as well as the direction of our journey.  We can choose to see the good, the positive, and the beauty in each opportunity.  Or, we can put a negative spin on each opportunity.  Now, not all opportunities come wrapped in a nice package.  There are many that will challenge even the most positive oriented of us.  The choice is ours as to how we deal with the challenge.  Will we do so with strength and determination knowing there is a hidden lesson for us?  Or, will view it as a burden and let it become like a weight holding us down?  This week, let’s take a look at how we can maximize the opportunities that come our way.  We can:

 

Keep risk in perspective.  Risk is our exposure to danger, harm or loss.  If we think about it, doesn’t this describe daily life?  Once we wake up and get out of bed, we have no idea what awaits us.  There is an element of risk in everything we do, every choice we make.  We need to keep this in mind when opportunity knocks.  We can reflect on things we’ve done or encountered in our life that had a modicum of risk and reflect on the outcomes.  We are here reading this so whatever the level of risk, we survived it; we overcame it.  Evaluate the opportunity in terms of low, medium, high level of risk.   Look for the low-risk options and explore those first.

Dial down the “scary meter.”  We get scared when we don’t know what is about to come.  So, when an opportunity presents itself that raises the scare level into the high zone, think about possible end results.  Categorize those results into “the good, the bad, and the ugly.”  If the potential good results outweigh the other two categories, the opportunity might be one worth pursuing.  Steer clear of anything that has too many items in potential ugly results, for all the obvious reasons.

 

Reflect on your values and goals.  Author Marsha Sinetar says, “Life’s ups and downs provide windows of opportunity to determine your values and goals.  Think of using all obstacles as stepping stones to build the life you want.”  Opportunities provide us moments to reflect on what is important to us – our values and our goals.  Ask if the opportunity is in sync with who and what we are.  If yes, it might be something worth pursuing.  If no, it might be something to stay away from.

Avoid tunnel vision.  Would we notice an opportunity if it was knocking on the door?  So often we let what is right in front of us cloud our view and we don’t see the full picture.  Remember to avoid focusing exclusively on a single or limited goal or point of view.  Expanding those horizons will enable us to recognize when opportunity knocks on the door.

Stay in “shape.”  It is important to ensure that all aspects of our health –  physical, emotional, mental, social, and spiritual – are well.  To be prepared for opportunity, all parts of us need to operating on “all cylinders.”  When our well-being is balanced, we are in much better shape to deal with whatever is facing us.

Enlist the help of “touchstones.”  Friends and family are always there to help us.  Share the “good, bad, and ugly” list with them.  Discuss the pros and cons.  See if someone has had a similar experience and see how they handled it.

Remember, growing and moving forward is what life is all about.  Taking advantage of opportunities that present themselves is a way to help us grow and move forward.   Since we don’t know when opportunity will present itself, we need to be ready for it when it does; we need to position ourselves to take full advantage of each and every opportunity that comes our way.  As Ayn Rand (Russian-American writer and philosopher best known for her novel Atlas Shrugged) says, “The ladder of success is best climbed by stepping on the rungs of opportunity.”