“YOU CAN’T DRAW WATER FROM AN EMPTY WELL”

It was September 1992.  I was working at Chemeketa Community College in Salem, Oregon as the Associate Dean for Developmental Education.   It was a time of change for the college as we were working on our preferable future.  During an inservice presentation titled “Put Your Own Oxygen Mask On First,” I shared the following remarks:

In the past five months I have flown so much that I feel I could be a stand-in flight attendant.  When people ask me where I live, I answer the United terminal at  any airport.

It was a flight this past June (my fourth in three months) that provided the inspiration for my thoughts.  You know the routine.  You’re all strapped in, taxiing to the runway, and the flight attendant says, “This cabin is pressurized for your comfort, but in the event of an emergency, an oxygen mask will automatically appear.  You all know the next line.  If you are traveling with young children, put your own oxygen mask on first, and the put the mask on your children.

This got me to thinking about taking care of ourselves, particularly because as people who care about others, we tend to go around putting oxygen masks on everyone else and sometimes we forget to put on our own oxygen mask!  This concerns me because if we don’t start putting on our own masks first, if we don’t start taking care of ourselves, we will become depleted.

Oxygen rejuvenates; it gives stamina.  It provides the ability to go back and continue to “slay the dragons.”  This is going to be a challenging year for us.  Challenging because we have many needs and not enough funds to meet all those needs.  Challenging because not only will we be dealing with our day-to-day operations, but also  working on the college’s preferable future.  It can easily feel like overload and I don’t want to see anyone get burned out this year.

It’s all the little things; all of the things that stack one by one on top of us.  It’s like the saying, “You can get nibbled to death by ducks.  No one takes a big bite, but all those nibbles eventually get to you.”

 I don’t want us to get nibbled to our nubbins by the little things.  Therefore, we need to be conscious of what gives us oxygen…what keeps up going.  And, we need to make a conscious effort to pay attention to the warning signals of oxygen depletion and get that mask on in time so we don’t take oxygen deprivation out on each other — we’re all in this together.  We need to work collaboratively.

So, what’s your oxygen source?  What will you do this year to regain stamina, to rejuvenate?

This opening led to all of us talking about the importance of self-care.   Someone on my staff offered, “You can’t draw water from an empty well.”  Isn’t that the truth?!  When the well is empty, we are more likely to feel stressed, react rather than respond, open ourselves to burnout, experience fatigue and even health problems, and/or not be mentally sharp.

This then led to all of us sharing our oxygen sources, things like:

MAINTAINING SIGHT OF WHY WE ARE HERE.  Whether in our personal or professional lives, when whatever is going on begins to deplete our resources, we need to think about why are here to give us the boost we need.

CONNECTING AND SHARING MORE WITH THOSE AROUND US.  We need to avoid the sense of being in ‘this’ alone.  Stay in touch with friends, family, and colleagues.  Share what is going on.

MAINTAINING BALANCE IN OUR LIVES.  We need to equalize who we are and what we do; align what we must do with what we want to do or enjoy doing.

TAKING CARE OF ALL ASPECTS OF OURSELVES (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual…) by applying healthy habits to our daily lives: create daily routines, find ways to relax, minimize bad stress, relieve tension, and carve out some “me time” (time to renew) each day.

SETTING PRIORITIES.  Align what we do with our values then prioritize what we do in line with those values. Establish boundaries and limits.

AVOIDING OVER SCHEDULING and OVER COMMITTING.  Think beyond the day that dawns. Look to the week, even to the month and plan ahead. Prepare to do lists.

BEING FLEXIBLE.  Maintain perspective. When stuff happens, roll with it.

SIMPLIFYING.  Drop activities that sap our time or energy.  Minimize time spent on activities that don’t enhance work, family, health, friends, or spirit or that don’t bring happiness or satisfaction.

MAINTAINING A POSITIVE ATTITUDE as it brings optimism into our lives and makes it easier to avoid worrying and negative thinking.  We are able to cope more easily with the daily affairs of life.

KEEPING OUR GIGGLE GOING.  Smile often and laugh enough more.

No matter how busy or chaotic our lives get, we must remember to put on our own oxygen masks first so we are able to help others.

When our “tanks are full” we are in a better position to deal with everything going on with us and around us.  In the coming days and weeks, let’s do all we can to ensure that the “well is full” so we can continue to move forth with our lives in a way that allows us to do what we need to do for ourselves and for others.  Each day ask, “Did I make use of at least one ‘oxygen source’ today?”  Doing so will help ensure that our “wells remain full.”

 

CONSTANT RENEWAL

I live in a part of the country where in the heart of winter we can experience cold temperatures, snow, sleet, and ice.   The sleet and ice I can do without, but I do love the colder temperatures and the snow.  Most adults do not like the extra work that comes with snow – clearing sidewalks, and driveways – or having to drive in treacherous conditions.   While I don’t appreciate driving when the roads are bad, I do not mind shoveling snow (yes, I said shoveling; I don’t use a snow blower).  Shoveling snow is my adult equivalent of a child playing in the snow.   While my inner child might prefer to be sled riding, snow tubing, or skiing, she is satisfied with being out and about in the white stuff and having fun.   My inner child grins with delight like the two little ones in the picture below (along with their mother) when “playing in the snow.”  How is it that I can love winter and delight in the cold and snow while others cannot?   Mindset.

 

Our mindset consists of beliefs and beliefs are thoughts that are repeated over and over for a period of time that determine how we respond to situations.  (Snow in the forecast.  Yippee!)  The more we tell ourselves something, the more we believe it.  (Snow creates a beautiful winter wonderland in which I can have fun.)  And the longer we think that something is positive or not, the more we believe that thought and the more we act accordingly.  (The colder temperatures and the snow bring out my enthusiasm for each moment in a winter day.)

Those who know me know that my mindset is set in ultra-positive mode.  Even in the direst of circumstances, I usually have a smile on my face and approach each moment of each day in an enthusiastic (showing an excitement for something) manner.  I can make doing my house chores exciting and interesting!    This way of looking at each day and all that it contains as exciting and interesting helps us maintain a state of “constant renewal” where we stay engaged and focused on what we are doing  and we are enthusiastic (and not feeling bored or in a rut) about our daily routine.

I hear my friend Beth saying, “Yep.  I hear you.  I am all about being enthusiastic but what can we do when the hard stuff in life intervenes?”  I love my friend Beth as she keeps me grounded within my ultra-positive view of life.  So, let’s take a look at what we can do to maintain a state of constant renewal, to live with enthusiasm.

CULTIVATE A STATE OF MIND in which our thinking is positive and pleasant.  Being positive breeds being positive and will feed enthusiasm.  Having a positive outlook will help us negate energy vampires.

APPRECIATE AND ENJOY THE PRESENT MOMENT so we can block out negative chatter, zap negative thinking and other interfering stuff and instead focus on the good, the positive happening around us right now.  Maintain a passion for life.

LEAD A MEANINGFUL LIFE making the most of our natural gifts and our time.   Live with purpose and intention in the present moment.  Be fully engaged in things that matter.

EXPRESS OUR HEART with family and friends.  Sharing what is going on helps release pent up frustrations and/or appreciate a joyful moment.

CULTIVATE KINDNESS through words, deeds, and reflection.  Do random acts of kindness. Reach out to someone who seems to be struggling with something.  Make a positive difference in the lives of others.

TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES by getting adequate rest, eating well, and engaging in physical activity.    When we feel well, we are more likely to maintain an enthusiastic approach to life.

 

DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF and take things in stride.  Doing so allows us to avoid getting stressed out over or overreacting to every little thing.

DEVELOP AN ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE where we acknowledge that for which we are grateful or thankful.  Doing this will often help with becoming more excited about or enthusiastic about who we are, what we are doing, and what we are facing. When we are grateful for things, stuff by which we are overwhelmed (a lot of the stuff that may accompany change) isn’t able to take front and center stage.  Being grateful helps put us in a positive emotional mindset and helps generate enthusiasm.

LAUGH and laugh often.  Laughing releases endorphins – feel-good brain chemicals – which help us improve our mood and outlook. Along with our laughter, smile and smile often. Share as many smiles each day as possible.

ACT as if we are enthusiastic and we will become enthusiastic.

If we can look at each day and all that it contains as exciting and interesting, our life journey will be that much more satisfying.  Maintaining a state of constant renewal where we are engaged and focused on what we are doing can make all the difference between success and failure, happiness and not-so-happy.  Norman Vincent Peale (American minister and author known for his work in popularizing the concept of positive thinking) said, “Enthusiasm releases the drive to carry you over obstacles and adds significance to all you do.”

Indeed.   When we are enthusiastic about something, we can get excited about whatever we are facing.  Obstacles become stepping stones in our path.  We have newfound energy to deal with the good and the not-so-good.  Enthusiasm allows us to be in a state of constant renewal which leads to a fuller, happier, and more satisfying life.  And, that my friends, is something we should all strive toward!

PURSUE YOUR HAPPINESS

 

Crossing the border into the state of Pennsylvania, U.S.A., one is greeted by a sign that says, “Welcome to Pennsylvania.  Pursue Your Happiness.”  My home state is encouraging everyone to “embark on a personal happiness adventure.”  What an interesting concept.  The state’s tourism website declares, “Whoever you are, no matter what you love to do, know that happiness is Pennsylvania’s keystone. It always has been. It lives in our historic treasures. Our dynamic urban spaces. Our greater-than-great outdoors.”

The words “happiness… lives in” resonated with me because I do believe that happiness is not determined by what goes on around us, but rather, by what is happening within us.  Happiness is usually defined as a mental or emotional state of well-being characterized by positive or pleasant emotions such as joy and contentment.  According to Steve Maraboli (a life-changing speaker, bestselling author, and behavioral scientist), “Happiness is a state of mind, a choice, a way of living; it is not something to be achieved, it is something to be experienced.”

So, if happiness lies within us, how do we pursue it?  How do we position ourselves to experience joy, contentment, appreciation of life, or moments of pleasure?  And, how does all of this benefit us?   Our pursuit of happiness begins with us unlocking the positive emotions that are already within us.   To do this, we can:

CULTIVATE A STATE OF MIND in which our thinking is positive and pleasant.

APPRECIATE AND ENJOY THE PRESENT MOMENT so we can block out negative chatter and other interfering stuff and instead focus on the good, the positive happening around us right now.

AVOID DWELLING ON NEGATIVE THOUGHTS.  Even the most positive person will have negative thoughts or experience negative emotions.  Acknowledge and confront these thoughts/emotions but don’t let them overwhelm or take over.  As soon as possible, allow positive thoughts to take over and bring a sense of peace and calm.

LEAD A MEANINGFUL LIFE making the most of our natural gifts and our time.   Live with purpose and intention in the present moment.

MAINTAIN HEALTHY PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS.  Family and friends help us get through the challenging times and setbacks and help us keep things in perspective.  From time to time, we do need to share our feelings and express our heart with those close to us.

DRAW UPON OUR NATURAL COPING SKILLS to keep us centered, help us deal with issues that move us away from happiness, and help us minimize stress.

STAY TRUE TO OUR VALUES.  When we stick to the principles that we use to guide our behavior (like caring, compassion, hope, kindness, peace, truth, wonder…) we are better able to maintain a balanced life which tends to keep us content and happy.

MAKE MEMORIES.  Invest in experiences instead of material things.  We need to take time to do activities that make our hearts smile and make us feel good; activities we enjoy and that bring joy to our lives (and smiles to our faces).

LET GO.  Sometimes the best way to be happy is to learn to let go of things we tried hard to hold on to that are no longer good for us.  We have the power to choose what to accept and what to let go.

TAKE THINGS IN STRIDE and not get stressed out over every little thing. Avoid overreacting especially to things that are really no big deal and are out of our control.

TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES.  Get adequate rest and sleep.  Eat well.  Engage in physical activity.  Meditate.  Relax.

LAUGH and laugh often.  Laughing releases endorphins – feel-good brain chemicals – which help us improve our mood and outlook.

SHARE A SMILE.  Smiling is second on the list of the 43 Habits of Absolutely Happy People.   Smiles lift us physically, emotionally, and mentally and make us feel better about everything.

REFLECT ON WHAT MAKES US SMILE.  At the end of each day we need to take some time to think of at least three things that brought a smile to our face.  Ending the day with these positive thoughts allows joy to take hold.

APPRECIATE THE LITTLE THINGS IN LIFE and moments of joy and contentment come easier.

CULTIVATE KINDNESS through words, deeds, and reflection.  Do random acts of kindness. Volunteer.  Reach out to someone who seems to be struggling with something.  Make others feel good.

TREASURE GRATITUDE by appreciating the smallest of blessings.

Life is full of ups and downs, gains and losses, haves and have nots.  As American actress Valerie Bertinelli says, “…That’s life, and there’s no magic formula for being happy.  It’s about making a choice:  Am I going to let this get me down, or am I going to walk through it and get to the other side?  Sometimes it’s getting through the personal stuff that makes you a better, happier person.”

Ms. Bertinelli is right.  It is all about choice.  Those who say that it is near impossible to remain happy when our situation is tough, when our situation is sudden and unexpected,  fail to see that no matter how hard, how challenging, how tough a situation gets, we always have the choice to be happy and see the positive in what we are doing and where we are heading.  Happiness has a way of keeping up moving forward no matter what we are facing.  Happiness does live within each of us and we need to let it “out” and experience its joy and contentment every day.

DOES YOUR ATTITUDE HAVE YOU MOVING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION?

 

In the September 19, 2016 blog post, Thoughts and Actions That Help us Deal with Change, attitude was one of six thoughts and actions presented for consideration. The following story was used to illustrate attitude: “On an old man’s shirt was written a sentence ‘I am not 80 years old. I am sweet 16 with 64 years of experience.’ That’s ATTITUDE.”

In that post, I used the Oxford Dictionary definition of attitude: a settled way of thinking or feeling about someone or something, typically one that is reflected in a person’s behavior. Our attitude is important because it determines how we react to events and situations in our life (and it determines how those around us perceive us). In the above story, the 80-year-old man reacted to his age in a humorous and positive way. He has adopted a positive attitude and he seems to view his life as an adventure instead of something that he just has to get through.

Another 80-year-old might have a negative attitude about being that age and that person’s shirt might read, ‘I am a terrible 2 times 40. Tantrums are common.’ This person’s face would be in a perpetual scowl or frown and everything in his/her world is probably bad, horrible, or awful.

Indeed, our attitude is powerful and does make the difference in how we weather tough times; how we weather the unwanted and unexpected change in our lives. While undergoing an unwanted or unexpected change may feel like the end of the world, it doesn’t have to. Our attitude or our point of view about a situation can make a huge difference in how we handle and manage that situation. What we think (our thoughts), what we do (our behavior), and what we feel (our emotional response) all make up our attitude.

Consider the following:

What we think	I believe change is a waste of time.	I believe change brings opportunities.
What we do	I will avoid any change no matter what.	I will embrace change and look for the new beginning in it.
What we feel	I hate change.	Change happens for a reason. It is a good thing.

Do you see yourself in any of these scenarios? Those who respond to change like the left column have a negative, closed attitude toward it, while those who respond to change like the right column have a more positive, open attitude toward it. Jean-Paul Sartre advises, “What is important is not what happens to us, but how we respond to what happens to us.” And, it is our attitude that influences our choice of action and our response to what happens to us. Because our response to situations is so important and because our attitude has a lot to do with how we respond, it is our attitude that determines how successful we will be in dealing with situations, with change.

Let’s take a look at 12 strategies we can draw upon to make sure our attitude has us moving in the right direction.

LOOK FOR THE POSITIVE IN LIFE. There is a positive aspect in everything. In every person, in every situation, there is something good. Much of the time it may not be obvious. We have to look. And sometimes we have to look hard. When faced with a difficult or challenging situation, think to yourself, “What is good about this?”

AVOID ENERGY VAMPIRES. Stay away from people who focus on the negative. They will suck the energy and spirit right out of you. If you are in a conversation, reframe the negative conversation into a more positive one. If you find yourself caught in a negative conversation and there is nothing you can do to change the mood of the conversation then you must excuse yourself. If the media is negative, tune it out or turn it off.   When possible, surround yourself with positive people. You will notice that your overall approach to things and your attitude will become more positive.

CONCENTRATE ON POSITIVE SELF-TALK. Replace negative thoughts and words with positive ones, words that make you feel happy and in control. Concentrate on positive thoughts with positive results. Remember, you are in charge of what you think.

CHANGE HOW YOU THINK, ACT, OR FEEL. I know, easier said than done. Yes, but if you really want to change your attitude, you must alter one of these behaviors. I recommend starting with thoughts and actions as these are easier to alter; emotions are more difficult to change. We seem to have more control over what we think and how we behave so if we begin there, how we feel will eventually fall into line.

PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR BODY LANGUAGE. Our facial expressions, our posturing, and our hand and arm gestures all provide clues to our attitude. If we have a scowl on our face while telling someone how pleased we are about something, our words aren’t matching the vibe we are giving off. And, the vibe is more than likely what we are really feeling. Make sure words and actions match how the feeling.

BE ENTHUSIASTIC. Enthusiasm is intense and eager enjoyment or interest. Norman Vincent Peale said, “Enthusiasm releases the drive to carry you over obstacles and adds significance to all you do.” Enthusiasm can fire up your determination and spirit. It is the fuel that sustains you when dealing with change. It is the fire that lights you up and keeps you moving forward in the face of difficulties.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.   Adequate rest and sleep is vital to maintaining a positive attitude. Engage in physical activity (working out releases chemicals that give you a natural mood lift). Meditate. Relax.

VISUALIZE WHAT YOU WANT. Visualization is a technique that involves focusing on positive mental images in order to achieve a particular goal. If you visualize what you want over and over, you begin to build recognition pathways in your mind.   In doing so, you are conditioning your mind in a way that the body automatically behaves the way you want it to without effort; the body will automatically do whatever it must to make the image a physical reality.

APPROACH EACH DAY WITH AN ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE.   Be grateful for what you have and count your blessings. When you live with an attitude of gratitude, your entire attitude towards life changes.

CREATE A DAY OF OPTIMISM. Choose a day and work on being optimistic all day. Share your optimism with those around you. See the good in everything. Smile. Choose to be joyful. Be positive.

MAKE SOMEONE ELSE FEEL GOOD. Let others know you appreciate them. When you make others feel good you cannot help but to feel good yourself. As the saying goes, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

EXERCISE YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR. Having something to laugh about can help diffuse any of the negative emotions that may accompany change. Humor is a powerful motivator and the more humor and laughter in your life, the less room there is for stress and negativity.

Charles Swindoll, author of the book The Grace Awakening, writes this about attitude, “The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company … a church … a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude … I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you … we are in charge of our Attitudes.”

Remember, when it comes to our attitude, we are in charge and we have a choice. We can choose to be negative or we can choose to be positive. Between the two, I’d rather be positive because positive thoughts = positive feelings = feeling that you can do, can deal with whatever we are facing. This coming week, let’s all approach each day with the attitude that we can deal with anything that comes our way and we will do so with a smile on our faces! Let’s all be like my days old twin great godchildren in this picture (whose body language says a lot about their attitude).

Big brother on left, “Sweet!No worries; all is well.” Little sister on right “Whatever…”

 

 

THE UNEXPECTED SIDE OF CHANGE

For most of us, life rolls along day in and day out relatively smoothly. We may experience a few bumps in the road here and there, but those bumps are usually stuff that can be dealt with quickly and easily.  (And, if major things happen, it is usually to someone else.)  When things in our “world” are moving along smoothly, we can get lulled into a false sense of security that all is right and will remain right.  I know that is certainly how I feel most of the time.  Well, life in my “world” came to a grinding halt with a phone at 3:53 PM on Wednesday, November 11.  My mother-in-law called to give me “terrible” news.  Her sister-in-law, my husband’s aunt, had unexpectedly passed away earlier in the day.

This is not the first family death with which I have had to face this year, but it is the only one that was sudden and totally unexpected.  The unexpected nature of this occurrence got me to thinking about change and how we deal with it when it is totally unexpected and out of our control. Things like sudden deaths, job losses that occur without warning, a relationship break up that one doesn’t see coming all fall into the category of unexpected change.

We hear, “Change is constant.”  “Change is inevitable.”  And, indeed, it is both.   Minor changes go on around us all the time, most without notice – we just take them in stride.  It is the major and seismic changes that grab our attention; that throw us for a loop.  And when those major and seismic changes come without warning, we enter a state of shock and intense mourning and grieving.  The shock and grieving are often triggered by the loss that the change brings.  Yes, change is constant.  Yes, change is inevitable. And, yes, some change is totally unexpected.

This week, I’d like to explore the unexpected side of change and how we can deal with it.  A sudden and unexpected change is one that shatters our “world” as we know it.  No matter what the change, we end up dealing with some sort of loss, one that usually ruins our comfort zone and leaves us feeling upset, rattled, uncertain, and maybe even defenseless.

When any change happens, there is always a sense of loss:  loss of a loved one; loss of a relationship; loss of the familiar; loss of sameness, the comfortable; loss of the certain; loss of a tradition; loss of our comfort zone, our sense of security; loss of our sense of purpose and perhaps even direction; loss of control, space, power, social/role identity, or influence (add your own).  And, anytime we lose something, we grieve over the loss.  But, unexpected change happens without warning.  As a result, we have no time to prepare for the loss.  This loss of time to prepare, to get ourselves ready, to get ourselves in a position to be able to deal with the change makes unexpected change very hard to deal with.

After the loss of her son, Anne Morrow Lindbergh said, “It isn’t for the moment you are struck that you need courage, but for the long uphill battle to faith, sanity and security.”  Indeed, no matter how we personally deal with loss, the ending that change brings, we all need courage to move forward to our new beginning.  In addition to courage, we need to allow ourselves to grieve the loss.  While everyone grieves differently and more like being on a roller coaster than in discreet stages, the stages in the Kübler-Ross model are a helpful guide. Those stages are:  denial (where we refuse to accept the facts; the reality of the situation; this isn’t happening to me!; I can’t believe he is gone!); anger (where we are emotionally upset and sometimes feel a sense of helplessness; why is this happening to me?; I don’t deserve this!); bargaining (where we seek to negotiate a compromise or postpone the action; what if I….; I promise I’ll be a better person if only…; let’s study this idea and see if there is a different solution); depression (extremely sad over what has happened; realizing there is no way to change what has happened; I don’t care anymore!); and,  acceptance (the goal of the grieving process; coming to terms with the reality of the situation in a healthy way; OK, me: what is next?  I am ready for whatever comes my way).  Work through these stages and give yourself the time to come to terms with the change.

When unexpected change occurs, the first question that most of us ask is, “Why?”   This why is usually the prelude to us wanting to bring meaning or to gain an understanding about what happened.  But, often, this question is unanswerable and will not help us move on and move forth.  Instead, it is better to ask, “What do I need to do to move on?”  “What do I need to do resume living my life as meaningful as possible?”  “What can be learned from this change?”  “What is the blesson in this change?”

 

There is no doubt that unexpected change propels us into a new dimension (for some, it feels like entering The Twilight Zone), a dimension that is unfamiliar, unsettling, frightening, perhaps overwhelming.  We enter this new dimension with a lot of feelings; a lot of emotions – fear, anger, frustration, loneliness, sadness (you can add to the list).  Another way to deal with the loss of unexpected change is to control our reaction, our feelings, our attitude, our view of events.  Remember, there is only one thing we can control in life and that is ourselves.  It is our reaction to events, to the change, to the loss that makes the difference.  If you can focus your energy on making the best of things in situations over which you have no control, you won’t waste energy fighting what has changed.  And, if you can make the best of the situation, you will have greater control over that situation.  As Jonathan Lockwood Huie said, “You don’t have the power to make life “fair;” but you do have the power to make life joyful.” 

Whatever the change, cherish the memories and keep the ones that make your heart smile close to you.  Create a memories box or a memories journal.  The positive memories may help energize you and help you handle the day-to-day decisions or help you get over any “rough patches” that you may encounter.

Depending on the type of loss associated with the change, we may be prone to taking care of everyone around us, but it is important to take care of ourselves!  Maintain a normal routine (this may also help you feel more in control).  Get enough sleep.  Eat right.  Exercise regularly.  Take things one hour at a time; one day at a time. 

Last, but not least, keep your “touchstones,” your friends and family close.  Many say that the single most important factor in dealing with and healing from unexpected change is having the support of others.  Sharing your feelings about the change, the loss makes it much easier to deal with the situation.

 There is no doubt that dealing with unexpected change is painful and difficult.  But, it is important for us to work through the pain and the difficult moments.  Robert Frost reminds us, “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life:  it goes on.”   Indeed, life does go on.  Beyond the unexpected there is always something waiting for us.  It will be different since that is what change does – it makes things different.  But, it is up to us to make something good and positive with the new, the different.    Katharine Weber tells us:   “Life seems sometimes like nothing more than a series of losses, from beginning to end.  That’s the given.  How you respond to those losses, what you make of what’s left, that’s the part you have to make up as you go.”

In the days following an unexpected change, it is our response that is important; it is what we make of what’s left that is important; it is learning from the change, seeking the blesson in the change, and living life in a meaningful way that is important.  Life does go on.  It will have a new beginning after the unexpected change.  It is up to all of us to make the new beginning the best that it can be.

RESTORING LIFE’S BALANCE AFTER CHANGE

The past two weeks we’ve been exploring some of the things people tell me are frustrating or difficult for them to deal with when a change rocks their world. We’ve looked at losing the sense of control and life outside our comfort zone. This week, I want to focus on yet another issue people tell me they struggle with after major and seismic changes: restoring equilibrium or balance in one’s life.

Oh, my, yes! I can see where this is can be a struggle. Anything can throw us off balance – a change in someone’s schedule, an illness in the family, an appliance breaking down, a flat tire. Daily life occurrences can create slight shifts for us. So, just think what may happen when the “floor falls out from under us” if a major or seismic change should enter our lives.   Being off balance in some areas of our lives might be an understatement at that point. If all our energy is focused on dealing with the change, it’s easy to find ourselves out of sync or off balance. 

If our life is balanced or we have equilibrium in our life then all the various elements of our life are in the right amount and proportion; we feel stable; things feel in sync; we often feel happy. Thomas Merton said, “Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony.”

So, what are some things we can do to regain balance in our lives? To restore equilibrium?

Reflect on what put you out of balance. Take time to review and reflect on what really changed; what really happened. Ask yourself why you feel so out of sync as a result of what happened. Get in touch with your emotions related to the change – angry, sad, disappointed, frustrated, etc. – and ask yourself why you feel that way. Ask yourself if you are reacting to the change or are you shaping the change. 
Accept the change. What has happened may make no sense to us; we may not understand it all. But, there is always a reason behind everything, even change we don’t understand. Keith Urban said, “Life is a balance of holding on and letting go.” Accepting the change means letting go of the past; of what was. We cannot regain balance nor move forward until we’ve accepted what has happened; what has changed. As someone unknown said, “You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.” 
Revisit your core values. Align what you do with your values then prioritize what you do in line with those values. This is especially important in times of change when things can be topsy turvy. Establish boundaries and limits. These define how you take charge of your time and space, and help keep you aligned with your values. It is okay to let go of some things, especially those not totally in line with your values. 

Renew or reroute your purpose in life. Ask yourself whether the change has affected who you are or where you are going. Take some time to re-examine what truly matters to you. If your purpose in life hasn’t really been altered by the change, give yourself time to accept the change, then continue to move forward with your life. If you feel the change has altered your life’s purpose or direction, then use the changed environment as a springboard to reroute your direction.

Keep moving. Einstein said, “Life is like riding a bicycle. In order to keep your balance you must keep moving.” And, just like when riding a bicycle, if you fall off you need to get back on and continue the ride. The same is true when major or seismic change enters your life. While it make knock you down (knock you off the bike), you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get right back on and pedal on. The rest of the ride may be different. You may have a different outlook. You may be more alert to “things in the path” that may topple you again. But, the important thing is you keep moving. And, the more you move, the more you will regain your balance. And, who knows, your balance may be better and stronger. 

Take it one day at a time.   Don’t impose a time limit on yourself and feel that your balance needs to be “back” right away. Give yourself time. While the change may have happened in an instant, the recovery from it may take time. Give yourself whatever time is needed. As long as you are continuing to move forward (and don’t let the change get you stuck), it doesn’t matter if you take 10 steps forward and three steps back. The net result is still forward movement. So, take things one day at a time. Before too long, the scales of your life will be back in balance. 

Put your “touchstones” to use. Your friends – your touchstones – can be invaluable in helping you regain balance. Ask them for help and allow yourself to be helped. Allow them to challenge as well as celebrate you.

Rev up your positive thinking. If your inner voice is one that first goes to the negative, imagine a stop sign in your head and tell yourself, “STOP!” Empower yourself to think positive; remember, you are in charge of what you think. Positive thoughts = positive feelings = feeling that you can do, can deal with whatever is facing you. A positive attitude helps you to cope more easily with the daily affairs of life. It brings optimism into your life, and makes it easier to avoid worry and negative thinking. If you adopt it as a way of life, it will bring constructive changes into your life (which might be so needed with change and transition). With a positive attitude, you see the bright side of life, become optimistic, and expect the best to happen. And, that positive attitude will help bring balance back into your life. (For specific suggestions on positive thinking, revisit the August 11, 2014 post on Concentrating on the Positive in Times of Change.) 
Take care of yourself. You are no good to anyone, especially yourself, if you are unhealthy. Get sufficient rest, exercise, and eat properly. Apply healthy habits to your daily life; create daily routines. Find ways to relax, minimize bad stress, and relieve tension. Make sure to carve out some “me time” each day.

Jennifer Pastiloff said, “Life is a balance between what we can control and what we can’t.   I’m learning to live between effort and comfort.” We can’t control major and seismic changes. They happen. They throw us for a loop. Our life “scales of balance” are way off.   While we may have to surrender to what the change has brought about, we do have to put forth effort to live our life in the changed environment. And, we have to put forth effort to regain and restore balance; to bring all the various elements in our life back together in the right amount and proportion. There is no single formula for regaining or restoring balance/equilibrium in one’s life. It is a continuous process; a process well worth the time and energy.