CREATING LIFE PATTERNS THAT BRING PURPOSE TO OUR LIVES

Joan Chittister is an American Benedictine nun, theologian, author, and speaker.  Monthly she publishes the Monastic Way which provides “daily insights to stir the heart and soul.”  The March 2024 edition focused on the purpose of life and she shared, “The purpose of life is not worked out in any single moment. It is seen only in the patterns we create or in the options we refuse. Aldous Huxley says of it, “At any given moment, life is completely senseless. But viewed over a period, it seems to reveal itself as an organism existing in time, having a purpose, tending in a certain direction.” ”  

I reflected for quite some time on her words, especially that the purpose of life “…is seen only in the patterns we create or in the options we refuse.”  If our life journey is to be a meaningful one, we really do need to care about the patterns we create through our thoughts, words, and deeds. We also need to care about the options we refuse such as choosing between good and evil, positive and negative, or right and wrong.  A meaningful life is one that is grounded in a sense of purpose that goes beyond our day-to-day routines.  Living a meaningful life involves authenticity, purpose, connection, compassion, living with intention in the present moment (mindfulness), and positive thinking.  This week, let’s explore these six components in an effort to help us live meaningfully; in an effort to help us create the best possible “patterns” and make good choices in the “options we refuse.”

AUTHENTICITY.  St. Francis de Sales (late 16^th/early 17^th century Bishop of Geneva who is honored as a saint in the Anglican and Catholic churches, known for his writings on the topic of spiritual direction and spiritual formation) says it best:  “Be who you are and be that well.”  We just need to be ourselves (and not an imitation of someone else).  When we don’t worry about what others think, we can live more freely and we have a far better chance of living a life that creates patterns which lead to meaning and purpose.

PURPOSE.  Having a purpose influences our ability to live a meaningful life.  Is your purpose in life to teach others, inspire or motivate others, to help others, to lead others, to serve others, to heal others…?  What can you do to use/share to the fullest your skills, talents, or strengths?  What gives you a reason to get out of bed each morning and get on with the day?  Remember, we add more meaning to whatever we do if our actions reflect our principles and values.

CONNECTION.  Having a connection with others – family, friends, colleagues – helps provide a sense of purpose in our lives which in turn leads to a more meaningful life. 

COMPASSION.  When we have empathy for others – when we see things with the eyes of another, listen with the ears of another, and feel with the heart of another – we are able to better understand what others are dealing with or going through.  And when we want to do something to alleviate that pain or distress, we exemplify compassion.   When we do help others, our own feelings of purpose and meaning are elevated. 

MINDFULNESS.  Abraham Joshua Heschel (a Polish-born American rabbi and one of the leading Jewish theologians and Jewish philosophers of the 20th century) said, “Life is routine and routine is resistance to wonder.” I would add that routine keeps us from realizing what is most meaningful moment-to-moment.  When we operate on auto-pilot and fill our days with the routine, we often tune out much going on around us.  We don’t see the gorgeous sunrise or the beauty of the autumn leaves or the smile something we did brought to the face of another.  But, if in our daily routine we take time to savor what is happening around us – if we take time to appreciate the present moment – then routine moments will become meaningful moments.  If we become mindful, the intentionally-focused awareness of our immediate experience, we position ourselves to notice the meaningful moments in our life.

POSITIVE THINKING.  Attitude is a mental position relative to a way of thinking or being; a leaning toward that which we believe. A positive attitude is, therefore, the tendency to be in an optimistic, hopeful state of mind.  A positive attitude manifests itself in positive thinking.  Positive thoughts generate positive feelings and attract positive life experiences.  Positive thinking gives us power over our circumstances. If we let positive thinking guide us, it is easier to glean the meaning from daily activities.  It is easier to say yes to all of life’s experiences because we work from a foundation that keeps us uplifted and willing to face challenges.  As Chittister says, “Life is about finding good everywhere, in everything. There is really no such thing as “bad” in life, only things in which we have yet to discover the good that came out of them.”  Positive thinking will help us find the good that does surround us.

We should all want to lead a meaningful, purposeful life and we can do so by being authentic, having a purpose, staying connected to others, showing compassion, living with intention in the present moment, and by thinking positively.  If we stay true to our values and principles, the patterns we create and the options we refuse we help lead us to purposeful filled life, one full of meaning, wonder, and experiences that bring us moments of awe!

A MEANINGFUL LIFE JOURNEY

Each month, the Action for Happiness group puts out a themed calendar. This month’s is titled “Meaningful May 2021.”  The calendar was sent with the following message, “How can we find a greater sense of purpose and meaning? Being part of something bigger than ourselves – and focusing on the things we value – is vital for our wellbeing. So let’s take time to reflect on what we care about this month and prioritize the things that matter.”   The calendar contains an activity for each day of the month designed to help us reflect and focus on the things that matter in an attempt to help us find more meaning and “build back happier.”

Action for Happiness is “…a movement of people committed to building a happier and more caring society. We want to see a fundamentally different way of life – where people care less about what they can get just for themselves and more about the happiness of others.”  To help them achieve their goal, the group provides ideas and resources to enable people to take action at home, at work, or in their community.  (For more information, go to http://www.actionforhappiness.org)

The theme of the calendar, meaningful May, got to me thinking beyond just the month of May to all months and all days of our life journey and what we can do to make our life journey meaningful.  If we focus on living a meaningful life day in and day out, we will be better positioned to truly experience life in a wonderful way.  A meaningful life is one that is grounded in a sense of purpose that goes beyond our day-to-day routines.  Living a meaningful life involves authenticity, purpose, connection, compassion, living with intention in the present moment (mindfulness), and positive thinking.  This week, we will explore these six components in an effort to help us live meaningfully and to say yes to the experience of life.

AUTHENTICITY.  St. Francis de Sales (late 16^th/early 17^th century Bishop of Geneva who is honored as a saint in the Anglican and Catholic churches, known for his writings on the topic of spiritual direction and spiritual formation) says it best:  “Be who you are and be that well.”  We just need to be ourselves (and not an imitation of someone else).  When we don’t worry about what others think, we can live more freely and we have a far better chance of living a life that is meaningful. 

PURPOSE.  Having a purpose influences our ability to live a meaningful life.  Is our purpose in life to teach others, inspire or motivate others, to help others, to lead others, to serve others, to heal others…?  What can we do to use/share to the fullest our skills, talents, or strengths?  What gives us a reason to get out of bed each morning and get on with the day?  Remember, we add more meaning to whatever we do if our actions reflect our principles and values.

CONNECTION.  Having a connection with others – family, friends, colleagues – helps provide a sense of purpose in our lives which in turn leads to a more meaningful life. 

COMPASSION.  When we have empathy for others – when we see things with the eyes of another, listen with the ears of another, and feel with the heart of another – we are able to better understand what others are dealing with or going through.  And when we want to do something to alleviate that pain or distress, we exemplify compassion.   When we do help others, our own feelings of purpose and meaning are elevated.  (A side benefit is we are often grateful for what we have when we see with what others are struggling.)

MINDFULNESS.  Abraham Joshua Heschel (a Polish-born American rabbi and one of the leading Jewish theologians and Jewish philosophers of the 20th century) said, “Life is routine and routine is resistance to wonder.” I would add that routine keeps us from realizing what is most meaningful moment-to-moment.  When we operate on auto-pilot and fill our days with the routine, we often tune out much going on around us.  We don’t see the gorgeous sunrise or the beauty of spring blossoms or the smile something we did brought to the face of another.  But, if in our daily routine we take time to savor what is happening around us – if we take time to appreciate the present moment – then routine moments will become meaningful moments.  If we become mindful, the intentionally-focused awareness of our immediate experience, we position ourselves to notice the meaningful moments in our life.

POSITIVE THINKING.  Attitude is a mental position relative to a way of thinking or being; a leaning toward that which you believe. A positive attitude is, therefore, the tendency to be in an optimistic, hopeful state of mind.  A positive attitude manifests itself in positive thinking.  Positive thoughts generate positive feelings and attract positive life experiences.  Positive thinking gives us power over our circumstances. If we let positive thinking guide us, it is easier to glean the meaning from daily activities.  It is easier to say yes to all of life’s experiences because we work from a foundation that keeps us uplifted and willing to face challenges.

We should all want to lead a meaningful life and we can do so by being authentic, having a purpose, staying connected to others, showing compassion, living with intention in the present moment, and by thinking positively.  Use the Action for Happiness May calendar to get you started (find it http://www.actionforhappiness.org).   We need to make not only the month of May but all of our months and days full of meaning, wonder, and experiences that bring us moments of awe!

OUR VALUES GUIDE OUR CHOICES

Life is about choices.  Choices mean decisions.  In the following situation, what would your decision be?

Athlete Abel Mutai, representing Kenya, was just a few feet from the finish line, but he was confused with the signage and stopped thinking he had completed the race. The Spanish athlete, Ivan Fernandez, was right behind him and realizing what was happening, he started shouting at the Kenyan for him to continue running.  Mutai, who didn’t know Spanish, didn’t understand. Then Fernandez pushed him to victory. A journalist asked him, “Why did you do that?”

Fernandez replied, “My dream is that someday we can have a kind of community life.”  The journalist insisted, “But why did you let the Kenyan win?” Fernandez replied, “I didn’t let him win; he was going to win.”  The journalist insisted again, “But you could have won!” Fernandez looked at him and replied, “But what would be the merit of my victory? What would be the honor of that medal? What would my Mom think of that?”

Roy E. Disney (senior executive for the Walt Disney Company) said, “It’s not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.”    Values are those lasting beliefs or ideals about what is good and desirable.  They serve as guiding principles that have a major influence on our behavior and attitude and serve as broad guidelines in all situations. They help clarify our decision making on specific issues or questions.  Obviously, Ivan Fernandez’s mom instilled him with values – values like fairness, compassion, and integrity.

Whether we realize it or not, we all have a set of personal values.  And as motivational speaker and self-development author Brian Tracy tells us,  “Just as your car runs more smoothly and requires less energy to go faster and farther when the wheels are in perfect alignment, you perform better when your thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals, and values are in balance.”

Knowing and living by our values has a number of benefits, such as an increase in satisfaction, contentment with life, and happiness; a decrease in conflict, frustration, and stress; and, an ability to make better decisions and as Tracy tells us, perform better.  Let’s take a look at some things we can do to make sure our lives are aligned with our values.

IDENTIFY OUR VALUES.  Take a few moments to reflect on your values and list your top five.  Examples of values to jump start your reflection process include:  accomplishment, adventure, appreciation, belief, caring, compassion, creativity, dependability, drive, enthusiasm, ethical, excellence, experience, fairness, faith, friendship, fun, generosity, genuine, grace, happy, honesty, hope, integrity,  joy, justice, kindness, love, loyalty, optimism, peace, perseverance, positive orientation, resourceful, respect, service, spirituality, strength, success, trustworthiness, truth, unity, usefulness, vision, wealth, winning, wonder.

LINK ACTIONS TO THE TOP FIVE VALUES.  To live by our values, we must act on them.  Think about what has to be done to have those values an integral part of daily life.  For example, I am a very positive oriented person.  Ways I act on this include looking for the good, the positive in everything; smiling; being hopeful; being mindful of the present moment; and, taking things in stride.

LOOK FOR WAYS OUR ACTIONS ARE COUNTER TO OUR VALUES. There may be times when our actions are not aligned with our values.  It is easy to tell when this happens because things will feel wrong; we will feel out of sorts.  Instead of feeling satisfied and content, we will be most unhappy.   As a positive-oriented person, worrying about things out of my control or focusing on a worst-case scenario are counter to my positive orientation.

IDENTIFY WHY WE ARE ACTING COUNTER TO OUR VALUES.  It can be helpful to try and determine why we are acting in a way that makes us feel out of sorts or unhappy.  Did we feel pressured by a person or a situation to act in a certain way?  Are we trying to impress someone by acting in a certain way?  Are we reacting to an emotional trigger?  Did we have a need we felt had to be met no matter what?

CREATE A ‘WHAT TO DO INSTEAD’ LIST.   For those times our actions go against our values, create a list of what can be done differently.  If I worry about things out of my control, I need to let go and remind myself that if our of my in my control, there is nothing I can do.  If I focus on a worst-case scenario, I instead could think about the best-case scenario; think about all that could go right.

Consistently living by our values can be tough, but these five steps will go a long way in helping us keep our values aligned with our actions.  The quality of our lives depends on our ability to align who we are and what we do with our values.  Gandhi (an Indian activist who was the leader of the Indian independence movement against British rule) told us, “Your beliefs become your thoughts.  Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions.  You actions become your habits.  Your habits become your values.  Your values become your destiny.”

Our values do indeed become our destiny as they influence all aspects of who we are and what we do.   It is in our best interest to live by our values so that when in situations such as Ivan Fernandez was, we will respond in a way that makes the situation better and has us feeling happy, content, and satisfied (and yes, having our mom or whomever is a significant person in our life feeling proud of us).

“SAY YES TO THE EXPERIENCE OF LIFE”

William Shatner (an American actor who was the original Star Trek captain) says that one of the messages in his memoir Live Long And…? is “Say yes to the experience of life.”  I came across that gem on the heels of watching the Bedford County Players’ production of the Christmas classic It’s A Wonderful Life.  (If not familiar with  It’s A Wonderful Life, it is a 1946 American  Christmas fantasy comedy-drama film produced and directed by Frank Capra, based on the short story and booklet The Greatest Gift, which Philip Van Doren Stern wrote in 1939 and published privately in 1945.  The story centers on George Bailey who has given up his dreams in order to help others, and whose imminent suicide on Christmas Eve brings about the intervention of his guardian angel, Clarence Oddbody. Clarence shows George all the lives he has touched, and how different life in his community of Bedford Falls would be if he had never been born.  The story highlights hope, redemption, and finding yourself and your worth.)

George Bailey was leading a wonderful and very meaningful life but he didn’t realize it.  (I think many of us feel that same way at times.)   When George’s Uncle Billy misplaces $8,000 George feels responsible and unable to come with funds, he despairs and feels with the value of his life insurance policy, he is worth more dead than alive.  (Maybe not to the degree of George Bailey, but many of us can relate to feeling rock bottom when things in our life seem so out of control.)

With the help of divine intervention in the form of a guardian angel as well as the support of family and friends, George is able to see that he has had a profound positive influence on so many people and on the direction the community of Bedford Falls has taken.

 Like George, we sometimes need a seismic event to help us see the good, the positive in our own lives.  But, it shouldn’t take that for us to have a wonderful life; for us to “say yes to the experience of life.”   If we focus on living a meaningful life day in and day out, we will be better positioned to truly experience life in a wonderful way.  A meaningful life is one that is grounded in a sense of purpose that goes beyond our day-to-day routines.  Living a meaningful life involves authenticity, purpose, connection, compassion, living with intention in the present moment (mindfulness), and positive thinking.  This week, we will explore these six components in an effort to help us live meaningfully and to say yes to the experience of life.

AUTHENTICITY.   St. Francis de Sales (late 16^th/early 17^th century Bishop of Geneva who is honored as a saint in the Anglican and Catholic churches and who is known for his writings on the topic of spiritual direction and spiritual formation) says it best:  “Be who you are and be that well.”  We just need to be ourselves (and not an imitation of someone else).  When we don’t worry about what others think, we can live more freely and we have a far better chance of living a life that is meaningful.

PURPOSE.  Having a purpose (and one that reflects our principles and values) influences our ability to live a meaningful life.  Is your purpose in life to teach others, inspire or motivate others, help others,  lead others,  serve others,  heal others…?  What can you do to use/share to the fullest your skills, talents, or strengths?  What gives you a reason to get out of bed each morning and get on with the day?

CONNECTION.  Having a connection with others – family, friends, colleagues – helps provide a sense of purpose in our lives which in turn leads to a more meaningful life.

COMPASSION.  When we have empathy for others – when we see things with the eyes of another, listen with the ears of another, and feel with the heart of another – we are able to better understand what others are dealing with or going through.  And when we want to do something to alleviate that pain or distress, we exemplify compassion.   When we do help others, our own feelings of purpose and meaning are elevated.  (A side benefit is we are often grateful for what we have when we see with what others are struggling.) What compassion does for us personally is beautifully illustrated in It’s A Wonderful Life.  George Bailey needed an external force to remind him of the difference he made in the lives of others and how that truly added meaning to his life.

MINDFULNESS.  Abraham Joshua Heschel (a Polish-born American rabbi and one of the leading Jewish theologians and Jewish philosophers of the 20th century) said, “Life is routine and routine is resistance to wonder.” I would add, “Routine keeps us from realizing what is most meaningful moment-to-moment.”  (Think George Bailey again.)  There are always moments in our daily life that often go unnoticed that might be fleeting, yet meaningful.  Sometimes we have to break out of our routines to realize the meaning behind things.  And, sometimes it takes an external force (think Clarence the angel helping George Bailey) to see the meaning in aspects of our lives we take for granted or never give a second thought.  So, what is mindfulness?  Mindfulness is the intentionally-focused awareness of one’s immediate experience; it is being grounded in the present moment.

When we operate on auto-pilot and fill our days with the routine, we often tune out much going on around us.  We don’t see the gorgeous sunrise or the beauty of the autumn leaves or the smile something we did brought to the face of another.  But, if in our daily routine we take time to savor what is happening around us – if we take time to appreciate the present moment – then routine moments will become meaningful moments.

POSITIVE THINKING.  Attitude is a mental position relative to a way of thinking or being; a leaning toward that which you believe. A positive attitude is, therefore, the tendency to be in an optimistic, hopeful state of mind.  A positive attitude manifests itself in positive thinking.

Positive thoughts generate positive feelings and attract positive life experiences.  All of this helps us cope more easily with the daily affairs of life. Positive thoughts bring optimism into our lives and make it easier to avoid worry and negative thinking. With a positive attitude we see the bright side of life, become optimistic and expect the best to happen.

Positive thinking gives us power over our circumstances. It puts us in control and diminishes any power our circumstances have over us. Believing that we can overcome anything is half the battle.   That belief gives us confidence.  That belief steers us away from doubts which can immobilize us and turn our attention away from solutions.  That belief helps keep our attention on whatever the issue, whatever the challenge is.  (Think again of George Bailey and his lack of positive thinking just before Clarence entered his life and what impact that was having on him.  Think of George’s family and all on whom George had some type of impact. They were a very positive thinking group.)   If we let positive thinking guide us, it is easier to glean the meaning from daily activities.  It is easier to say yes to all of life’s experiences because we work from a foundation that keeps us uplifted and willing to face challenges.

This article posts on December 24, 2018.  December 24 is the day George Bailey in It’s A Wonderful Life learns just how wonderful his life really is.   As we head into the final seven days of the year and begin to turn our thoughts and attention to a new year, we should all resolve to “say yes to the experience of life.”  We should resolve to lead a meaningful life in the new year by being true to ourselves (authentic), having a purpose, staying connected to others, showing compassion, living with intention in the present moment (mindfulness), and thinking positively.  Make 2019 an amazing year, one full of meaning, wonder, and experiences that bring us moments of awe!

IN A PERFECT WORLD…

I recently conducted a workshop in the Pittsburgh, PA area and as a prelude to a discussion on authenticity, attendees were asked to finish this phrase: In my perfect world…  Some of the responses I got were:

…my newborns would sleep through the night.

…my children would never make a mess.

…the Steelers [Pittsburgh’s professional football team] would win every game and another Super Bowl.

… everything would go according to plan.

…there would be no traffic tie ups.

…everyone would be happy and smile all the time.

…there would be no cumbersome phone trees or being put on hold for unacceptable amounts of time.

…peace, harmony, kindness, and compassion would be the rule rather than the exception.

…the weather would match my picture of a perfect day.

…change would be seamless and not upset, anger or frustrate anyone.

I loved everyone’s answers and from them, it was easy to see what was either going on in their lives or what was important to them. But, as we know, we do not live in a perfect world. So, newborns will keep their parents up at night. Children will make messes. The Steelers may lose a game or two. Things won’t always go according to plan. We will at some point get stuck in traffic. People will be unhappy and frown. Phone trees will continue to frustrate us and hold times will be maddening. Peace, harmony, kindness, and compassion may be elusive. It will rain or snow or be sunny when we don’t want it to. And, change won’t always be seamless and it may upset, anger, and frustrate us.

No, our world is not perfect but there are some things we can do to help us cope. We can:

Accept that it isn’t a perfect world. Remember it takes the rain to get a rainbow. We must take the good with the bad; the ups with the downs; the moments of joy with the moments of sadness. When the negative side of the imperfect world is with us, we need to tell ourselves that ‘this too shall pass.’ Acceptance of things will help us avoid being overwhelmed by any negative.

Put things in perspective. Ask yourself what effect whatever is happening or not happening is going to have on you tomorrow, next week, next month, next year?   Do take some time to distance yourself from whatever is going on. This will help put things in perspective. Take some time to assess your expectations and determine how realistic they were. If unrealistic, what needs to be done? You wanted that job promotion, but you didn’t have all the minimum qualifications. Do you need more or different experience? More education? A different skill set? If your expectations were realistic, use the situation as a learning opportunity and think about what you can do to present yourself in a different or better light the next time.

Avoid being a ‘volcano.’ Don’t hold frustration, anger, disappointment over whatever isn’t happening in. Acknowledge any feelings or emotions but don’t keep negative ones bottled up inside of you. You must let it out slowly instead of keeping things bottled up inside to the point where you just explode.   Vent somehow – yell, scream, let your inner child throw a private tantrum, laugh, jog, journal, talk to someone.

Talk to friends and family (the “touchstones” in your life). These people are your cheerleaders; your support system. They can help you put/keep things in perspective. You need not deal with your disappointment alone; share your thoughts, your pain. You aren’t the only one who has experienced disappointment and those close to you, especially those who have moved on from a disappointment, can help you move on from yours.

Stay true to your core values. Core values are important and lasting beliefs or ideas about what is good and desirable; guiding principles. Core values help clarify and guide our decision making process. Shakespeare’s Polonius told his son, “To thine own self be true.”  That is great advice for all of us in dealing with the imperfections of the world. Keeping your heart and your core values close at hand will help you deal with whatever disappointment comes your way.

Indeed being true to ourselves is perhaps the best advice we can follow for dealing with our imperfect world. Brené Brown, author of The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are, tells us, “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are. Choosing authenticity means cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable; exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle; and nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we believe that we are enough. Authenticity demands Wholehearted living and loving—even when it’s hard, even when we’re wrestling with the shame and fear of not being good enough, and especially when the joy is so intense that we’re afraid to let ourselves feel it. Mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul-searching struggles is how we invite grace, joy, and gratitude into our lives.”

So, let’s all embrace who we are and what we have to help us face what our life’s journey brings us. Life is about making the best of the imperfections; of rolling with change; of doing the best with what we have. As Brené Brown also shares, “It is in the process of embracing our imperfections that we find our truest gifts: courage, compassion, and connection.”