BENEFITING FROM THE SUPPORT OF FAMILY AND FRIENDS

For me, the first two weeks of the New Year have been dominated by viewings and funerals for two people in my immediate circle.  The gathering of loved ones to celebrate the lives of these wonderful people highlighted for me the importance of maintaining close ties with all the touchstones, all the friends and family, who bring meaning and value to our lives.  I know there are many who at some point want to distance themselves from friends and loved ones as they “head out on their own.”  But as the following story of The Kite Without a Thread points out, even when we are out there on our own, we still need to maintain the ties with friends and family.

Once a father and son went to the kite flying festival. The young son became very happy seeing the sky filled with colorful kites. He too asked his father to get him a kite and a thread with a roller so he can fly a kite too. So, the father went to the shop at the park where the festival was being held. He purchased kites and a roll of thread for his son.

His son started to fly a kite.  Soon, his kite reached high up in the sky.  After a while, the son said, “Father, It seems that the thread is holding up a kite from flying higher, If we break it, It will be free and will go flying even higher.  Can we break it?”  So, the father cut the thread from a roller.  The kite started to go a little higher.  That made a son very happy.

But then, slowly, the kite started to come down. And, soon it fell down on the terrace of the unknown building. The young son was surprised to see this. He had cut the kite loose of its thread so it can fly higher, but instead, it fell down. He asked his father, “Father, I thought that after cutting off the thread, the kite can freely fly higher. But why did it fall down?”

The Father explained, “Son, at the height of life that we live in, we often think that some things we are tied with are preventing us from going further higher.  The thread was not holding the kite from going higher, but it was helping it stay higher when the wind slowed down and when the wind picked up, you helped the kite go up higher in a proper direction through the thread.  And when we cut the thread, it fell down without the support you were providing to the kite through the thread.”

The son realized his mistake.

As the moral points out, “Sometimes we feel that we can progress quickly and reach to the newer heights in our life if we were not tied up with our family, our home.  But, we fail to realize that our family, our loved ones help us survive the tough time in our lives with their support and encourage us to reach higher heights in our life.  They are not holding us, but are supporting us.  Never let go of them.”

Because our life journey will include many bumps, rough patches, detours, and changes along the way, our friends and family provide a measure of stability that is most helpful when dealing with the bumps associated with our life journey.   They anchor us, they listen, they encourage, they provide suggestions and advice, and they are just there to provide whatever support may be needed.  They do not hold us back but rather provide us the necessary support, just like the kite string, to keep moving forward.

Whether a family member or a friend is with us for a lifetime or only a moment in time, everyone who crosses our path does so for a reason.  That reason may be crystal clear or remain a mystery for a long time.  But no matter what, we need to make and get the most we can out of all the moments of connection.  Each moment of connection adds someone who gives us something – an experience, an idea, the encouragement, the strength – to handle the blessings and the challenges along our life journey.

Our “personal kites” will fly higher and longer if we remember to have a good relationship with all family members and friends.  We need to be appreciative, open, honest, tolerant, patient, kind, caring, and considerate.   We need to look for mutually beneficial solutions to situations.  And, we need to go with the flow remembering to laugh, smile, and have fun along the way.  If we do so, we will be able to survive the tough times we encounter on our life journey because of the support and encouragement of those around us.  How much richer and fuller our lives will be when we maintain the connection (keep the string) with and have the support of our family and friends.

THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS THAT HELP US DEAL WITH CHANGE

 

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine emailed me the following “Six Little Stories.” I want to share them with you today because in each, there is sound advice for dealing with change.

Story 1: Once all villagers decided to pray for rain. On the day of prayer all the people gathered, but only one boy came with an umbrella. That’s FAITH.

 

Story 2: When you throw babies in the air, they laugh because they know you will catch them. That’s TRUST.  

Story 3: Every night we go to bed without any assurance of being alive in the morning, but still we set the alarms to wake up. That’s HOPE.

 

Story 4: We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future. That’s CONFIDENCE.

 

Story 5: We see the world suffering, but still we get married and have children. That’s LOVE.

Story 6: On an old man’s shirt was written a sentence ‘I am not 80 years old. I am sweet 16 with 64 years of experience.’ That’s ATTITUDE. 

Let’s now take a look at how faith, trust, hope, confidence, love, and attitude can help us deal with change.

FAITH is believing in something we cannot see. In the story above, the little boy who came to the rain prayer ceremony was clearly demonstrating his conviction that the prayers would work and rain would fall even before the ceremony concluded. Faith is an important virtue to practice when dealing with change, especially unexpected or unwanted change. As Jon Gordon, author of The Shark and the Goldfish, tells us, “The first choice you have is a choice between faith and fear. … What faith and fear have in common is a future that hasn’t happened yet. Fear believes in a negative future. Faith believes in a positive future. Interestingly enough, both believe in something that hasn’t happened yet. So I ask you, if neither the positive or negative future has happened yet, why not choose to believe in a positive future? Why not believe that great things are coming your way? Why not have faith in the future and your ability to create it?” (Pages 36-37) There are times when we have to stop worrying and doubting and instead, focus on things working out for the best.

TRUST is when we believe in the reliability of someone or something. In dealing with change, we must trust that the change is needed (even though we may not feel that at the time of the change) and that everything will work out just fine in the changed environment.   If the change is unexpected or unwanted and feels like a heavy burden or an insurmountable challenge we must, “…trust that adversity is not the end, but the beginning of something better and greater.” (Jon Gordon, The Shark and the Goldfish, page 22) No matter what we face with change, we must trust (and have faith in) our thoughts and actions. “Faith is believing the best is yet to come. Trust is knowing you can make it happen.” (Anonymous)

HOPE is the expectation of something beneficial in the future; it is a feeling of expectation and desire. Hope is a motivator. Hope helps us to keep going when times are hard. “When the world says give up, hope whispers try one more time.” (Anonymous) Hope lets us know that no matter how bad things seem at the moment, no matter how dark, there will be something better and brighter around the corner. As Samuel Smiles says, “Hope is like the sun, which, as we journey toward it, casts the shadow of our burden behind us.”

Some changes can bring challenges to us, but with hope, we can overcome those challenges. We can hope that things will be/feel/look better with each passing day and in hoping so, we keep on trying no matter what we may be facing. Hope helps us find or make peace with ourselves and with the situation.   That measure of inner peace will certainly help us more productively deal with whatever we are facing.

CONFIDENCE is being certain that an outcome will be favorable. It is a sureness that something will happen. Think about what happens when we face change. All change begins with an ending; with some sort of loss. Loss can cause us to feel anxious, uncertain, fearful, and uneasy. Most of these feelings are generated by the movement out of our comfort zone.

Sometimes, when we move out of our comfort zone, we begin to question what will happen and will it be for the best and/or we question our ability to “make it” in the changed environment. It is confidence that gives us the power to face any challenge that change presents us.   Henry David Thoreau tells us, “If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours.”

LOVE is an intense feeling of affection. The love we have for our friends and family and theirs for us is especially important in times of change. Tough moments can lead to stress which can be a “frequent visitor” during times of change. Friends provide a measure of stability that is most helpful when dealing with the stress associated with the change or the accompanying transitions.   They listen, they encourage, they provide suggestions and advice, and they are just there to provide whatever support may be needed. These people are our cheerleaders; our support system. They can help us put/keep things in perspective and can help us move forward beyond what has changed.

ATTITUDE, according to Oxford Dictionary, is a settled way of thinking or feeling about someone or something, typically one that is reflected in a person’s behavior. It is attitude that determines how we react to events and situations in our life. In the above story, the 80-year-old man has reacted to his age in a humorous and positive way. He has adopted a positive attitude and he seems to view his life as an adventure instead of something that he has to just get through. A positive attitude helps us cope more easily with the daily affairs of life. It brings optimism into our life and makes it easier to avoid worry and negative thinking. If we adopt it as a way of life, it will bring constructive changes into our lives (which might be so needed with change). With a positive attitude, we see the bright side of life, become optimistic, expect the best to happen, and have a stronger belief in ourselves.  When we believe in ourselves, we are more willing to be pro-active and to take action which is really needed when dealing with change. William James of Harvard University said, “The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitude.”

The next time you face a change, especially one that is unwanted or unexpected, remember to approach the change with: an attitude that is positive and says ‘I will get through this just fine,’ the love and support of friends and family, the confidence to deal with whatever faces you, hope that everything will work out for the best, trust that you will make everything work out for the best, and faith in a positive future where everything will work out for the best!

LOSSES THAT ACCOMPANY CHANGE

The afternoon of March 20, I spent some time with my cousin Army.    He’s been battling cancer for several years and recently, the battle turned into a full-fledged war. He and I texted frequently, but a recent one where he said, “Just can’t get ahead of this stuff” made me pause and think things had taken a turn in a direction I didn’t want to think about. Time for a face-to-face in addition to the cards and texts.

The visit was nice. Army was visibly tired but despite that, we were able to chat a bit. When he rested, his wife, Lisa, and I chatted away. So when my cell phone rang the next morning and Lisa’s name appeared on the screen, I knew after having just spent time with her that it wouldn’t be news I wanted to hear. And, it wasn’t. She called with news that Army had passed away Friday evening.

My thoughts Saturday were on Army; the fun times we had growing up. All the family birthday parties.  All the family holiday gatherings. And, in recent times, all the family reunions.

Cousin Army (left) with his dad at a family reunion

A memorable cousin-centered vacation at the Outer Banks. And, spirited times in Beaver Stadium at Penn State cheering on the Nittany Lions and Army’s son, Adam, who was an offensive lineman.

While all the memories were pleasant, they were accompanied by an overwhelming sense of loss. The loss of a loved one. The loss of talking and reminiscing with him. The loss knowing he was there if I needed to chat with him. His passing creates a change in the family.

We hear, “Change is constant.” “Change is inevitable.” And, indeed, it is both. Minor changes go on around us all the time, most without notice – we just take them in stride. It is the major and seismic changes that grab our attention; that throw us for a loop; that elicit many emotional responses. The emotional responses are often triggered by the loss that the change brings. Yes, change is constant. Yes, change is inevitable. And, yes, all change brings with it some type of loss. The loss comes with the ending of something (a topic we’ve covered in past posts).

So, this week, to help me with my grieving process, I am dedicating this post to Army and to exploring the losses that come with change and how best to deal with them so we can move on and move forward to a new beginning (also a topic that we’ve covered in previous posts).

What is lost when change happens? We can lose a loved one. We can lose a relationship. We lose the familiar (routines or ways of doing things). We lose sameness. We lose the certain. We might lose part of a tradition. We might lose our comfort zone; a sense of security.   Some feel they lose a sense of purpose and perhaps even direction. Others feel a loss of control, space, power, social/role identity, or influence. 
Loss can propel us into a new dimension (for some, it feels like entering The Twilight Zone), a dimension that is unfamiliar, unsettling, frightening, perhaps overwhelming. When the change/loss is unexpected or unwanted, we enter this new dimension with a lot of feelings; a lot of emotions – fear, anger, frustration, loneliness, sadness (you can add to the list; I, personally, am entering this new dimension without my cousin with much sadness and lots of anger targeted at the disease that took him from us way too early: cancer). We all experience loss differently and all of us dealing with Army’s passing will feel his loss in a different way.

After the loss of her son, Anne Morrow Lindbergh said, “It isn’t for the moment you are struck that you need courage, but for the long uphill battle to faith, sanity and security.” Indeed, no matter how we personally deal with loss, the ending that change brings, we all need courage to move forward to our new beginning. In addition to courage, we need to allow ourselves to grieve the loss. While everyone grieves differently and more like being on a roller coaster than in discreet stages, the stages in the Kübler-Ross model are a helpful guide. Those stages are: denial (where we refuse to accept the facts; the reality of the situation; this isn’t happening to me!; I can’t believe he is gone!); anger (where we are emotionally upset and sometimes feel a sense of helplessness; why is this happening to me?; I don’t deserve this!); bargaining (where we seek to negotiate a compromise or postpone the action; what if I….; I promise I’ll be a better person if only…; let’s study this idea and see if there is a different solution); depression (extremely sad over what has happened; realizing there is no way to change what has happened; I don’t care anymore!); and, acceptance (the goal of the grieving process; coming to terms with the reality of the situation in a healthy way; OK, me: what is next? I am ready for whatever comes my way). Work through these stages and give yourself the time to come to terms with the change.

 Another way to deal with a loss is to control our reaction, our attitude, our view of events. Remember, there is only one thing we can control in life and that is ourselves. It is our reaction to events, to the change, to the loss that makes the difference. If you can focus your energy on making the best of things in situations over which you have no control, you won’t waste energy fighting what has changed. And, if you can make the best of the situation, you will have greater control over that situation. As Jonathan Lockwood Huie said, “You don’t have the power to make life “fair;” but you do have the power to make life joyful.”

 

Whatever the loss, cherish the memories and keep the ones that make your heart smile close to you. Create a memories box or a memories journal. The positive memories may help energize you and help you handle the day-to-day decisions or help you get over “rough patches” that you may encounter.

Depending on the type of loss, we may be prone to taking care of everyone around us, but it is important to take care of ourselves! Maintain a normal routine (this may also help you feel more in control). Get enough sleep. Eat right. Exercise regularly. Take things one hour at a time; one day at a time.

Last, but not least, keep your “touchstones,” your friends and family close. Many say that the single most important factor in dealing with and healing from loss is having the support of others. Sharing your feelings about the loss makes it much easier to deal with the loss.

 Robert Frost said, “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” Indeed it does. Even with change and loss, life goes on. With courage, allowing ourselves to grieve the loss, controlling our reaction to the loss, cherishing the memories, taking care of ourselves, and keeping our “touchstones” close at hand we will be able to move on with life; we will be able to move forward to the new beginning.

 

I acknowledge that my life will be different without my cousin Army physically in it. The following thought by Katharine Weber sums up things nicely: “Life seems sometimes like nothing more than a series of losses, from beginning to end. That’s the given. How you respond to those losses, what you make of what’s left, that’s the part you have to make up as you go.”    Life will go on and as I work toward the “new beginning” in my life, my cousin will always be with me in spirit. I am sure that I will feel his influence as I take steps into this “new beginning.”

HAVE I TOLD YOU LATELY HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE YOU?

Most of us took time last week to celebrate Thanksgiving. In doing so, quality time was probably spent with family and friends. Many of us probably reflected on our relationships with those family and friends. And, many of us probably expressed our gratitude and appreciation for those family and friends.

Family, friends, relationships – having people in our lives with whom we can interact – was our focus last week. Having a “touch stone” in our lives, someone to share what we’re going through, was the change strategy on which we focused. This week, let’s extend that discussion to something that should be the heart, the core of relationships – appreciation. Let’s explore how showing appreciation or giving “atta persons” can be a valuable strategy in times of change.

The one thing change and transition can do is mess with our sense of who we are and how we feel about our self. Not being in our comfort zone, dealing with the chaos that can surround the change, and having to do new tasks or step into a new role, it is easy to get down on ourselves about a lot of “stuff.” This strategy of “atta persons” focuses on the need to let those around us know that they are appreciated as well as to give ourselves the occasional pat on the back.

Appreciation should be the heart, the core of all relationships. This is so important in times of change and transition especially when that change and transition is creating much stress and tension for all involved. Never is it more important to feel valued; to feel important; to feel recognized.

When the world around us shifts as it can when we undergo change and transition, and we are doing our best to: just get along, tackle the new technology at work, deal with the changing attitude of the teenager in the house, adjust to the new house and community, a little appreciation would go a long way; it would make us feel good. Appreciation, through words of praise or encouragement, has a motivating effect on us. Those kind words or deeds have a way of strengthening the bonds between people. 

Dr. Edward Hallowell, author of Shine, reminds us that, “recognition is so powerful because it answers a fundamental human need, the need to feel valued for what we do.” Recognition feels good.  Everybody strives for recognition. We want to feel that what we’re doing matters, and is more than just an idle task. This appreciation shown to others, and shown by others, becomes a major motivator for people. Personally, I become eager to do more or to do it better when others notice what I am doing. Just the fact that someone noticed lets me know what I am doing matters and makes a difference.

Working through changes or transitions can be physically and mentally tiring. However, a kind word that shows someone else has noticed the effort or the work truly goes a long way. Someone once said, “Kindness is more than deeds.  It is an attitude, an expression, a look, a touch.  It is anything that lifts another person.”

When I shifted into an administrative role, I worked with support staff and supervised faculty. I made it a point to regularly let them know what I felt about the work they were doing. Appreciation and recognition of their work came weekly rather than just one day a year (like Administrative Assistant Day) or one week a year (Teacher Appreciation Week). I left “butterfly” notes regularly. These might say, “Have I told you lately how much I appreciate all you do?” or “Wishing you a super day and a pleasant week. You are special!” Smiles, nods, words of encouragement, words of appreciation were a part of this weekly routine. Whether what they did was big or small, part of the job or self-initiated, for a student or for a colleague, I was committed to making sure the faculty and staff in my department knew they were valued and what they did was important.

It is vital that any “atta person” comes from the heart and is delivered in a sincere and genuine way. If not, the words or actions become meaningless. Recognizing and appreciating others doesn’t have to be anything elaborate. Gifts, flowers, candy, food, whatever –they all have their place, but most people just want to hear, “You did a great job” or “You look terrific” or “Thank you for noticing” or “Your comment made me feel great!” It is the message that is shared that matters the most.

Recognizing others, valuing them, and showing appreciation has a profound impact on the lives of others, but it also has a positive health benefit for the person who delivers the “atta person.” Research by Benson, 1975 and Luks, 2001 shows being kind to others not only makes the person who does the kind act feel good, but being kind has a significant physical and mental health benefit.

Dr Herbert Benson, a Harvard cardiologist who has been involved in scientific research for over 30 years tells us that when we help others, it allows us to ‘forget one’s self.’ When we carry out an act of kindness, give an “atta person,” our body rewards us by creating a ‘feel good’ sensation, which boosts self-esteem and well-being. This sensation is triggered when the body manufactures chemicals called endorphins. These endorphins are naturally occurring morphine-like substances that create a feeling of bliss within us. In addition to creating a feel good experience, they also help to reduce the intensity of any pain messages being sent to the brain.

When the process of change is triggering stress and tension or sending pain messages to the brain, receiving an “atta person” can have a calming effect. Likewise, giving someone an “atta person” can help diminish some of the stress symptoms as well as provide a “natural high.” The implementation of this strategy is a win-win for all involved.

Ways to implement this strategy will be explored in next week’s post. Meantime, use this week to see how often someone “salutes” you for something you do. And, monitor yourself to see how freely you give out “atta persons.”

YOU GOTTA HAVE FRIENDS

Ah, the week of the Thanksgiving holiday. Above all other holidays, this by far, was my mother’s favorite. For her, it was the perfect family holiday. A time to be grateful for all our blessings, especially family and friends. And, so, it seems the perfect week to discuss the strategy of relationships as one to keep us sane and positive amid change.

The strategy of relationships focuses on friendship and having people in our lives with whom we can interact. Friendship is often defined as the relationship between people characterized by assistance, approval, and support. It is a connection between people where key components include trust, concern, care, and understanding.

Why are relationships important when dealing with change? Oftentimes, change brings some chaos, turmoil, and disruption to our lives. Change can be a time of great uncertainty, so what better time to have a “touch stone” in our lives; someone to share what we’re going through, someone with whom to vent, someone to just listen to how we feel.   If the change is viewed in a positive way, friends can help us celebrate the good; if viewed in a negative way, friends can help us through the tough moments.

Tough moments can lead to stress which can be a “frequent visitor” during times of change. Friends provide a measure of stability that is most helpful when dealing with the stress associated with the change or the accompanying transitions.   They listen, they encourage, they provide suggestions and advice, and they are just there to provide whatever support may be needed.

A good example of this comes from a time in my personal life when I was going through the toughest of changes: the death of my mother. My mother had been battling breast cancer and when we got word that she had only two months to live, I took a leave of absence from my job so I could become her full-time caregiver. Not only was I dealing with all the emotions that one goes through in preparing for the death of a loved one, but I was doing so at a distance from friends and family. My two closest friends, although both quite a distance with one living near Oklahoma City, Oklahoma and one near Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, kept in close and constant touch by phone during these two months. And, in the last week of my mother’s life, my Oklahoma friend called every single day to check on me and to provide emotional support.

The author (right) with her Oklahoma friend who is one of her two best friends.

Our friendships, our relationships provide us with a measure of collaboration, connection, and coalition when dealing with change. This is like people in a maze trying to find their way out. If my friend and I are in the maze together working on our own to find the way out, we would struggle because we can’t see what is ahead or around a corner.   However, if we worked together, one getting on the shoulders of the other, perhaps we could see over the barriers of the maze and give directions like, “Turn right and then right again and we’ll be out…” This type of collaboration or coalition is value added; it is synergistic in the sense that the two of us created a result that would be different from or greater than what each of us could have done individually.   What a positive and productive way of dealing with change and transition.

Already have close friends? What can be done to maintain those relationships or to strengthen them, hence strengthening this strategy? No close circle of friends? What can be done to develop this skill, this strategy of relationship?

Stay in contact with best /good friends. I feel it is best to do so personally through visits, phone calls, and handwritten letters. If time or distance prevent doing these, then using social media venues such as Facebook or twitter and/or sending emails or texts provides ways to keep the connection “active.”

Develop a circle of friends; meet people. This is done primarily in two ways: situational such as school, church, and work or through interests done in one’s spare time such as hobbies (book clubs, cooking classes, video gaming, or wellness activities, etc.)

Consider what is needed from the relationship. There are different types of relationships/friendships and each can provide different levels of support during times of change. I have known my two closest friends since elementary school. We’ve been close for over 50 years and these friends do it all and do it on a deep and emotional level; they listen, they encourage, they provide advice and suggestions, they provide support.   I make it a point to stay in close contact with these two whether in person, on the phone, or on line. On the other hand, I have work friends, church friends, lacrosse friends, jazzercise friends, and gym friends – people I may only see in those contexts. These are friends who may do the same things my closest friends do, but not on such a deep or emotional level. They may only deal with specific issues and oftentimes, issues that relate to the context in which I know them.

The author (right) with one of her two closest friends. Friends through “rain and shine.”

Make friends by being a friend. Be a friend by reflecting on the qualities that make a good friend and actively practicing them. In other words, apply the Golden Rule of “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Show respect for others; show gratitude for others. Listen, share, care, celebrate, cry, laugh, and show ‘tough love’ when needed.

The lyrics to Reba McEntire’s song I’ll Be nicely sum up the importance of relationships:

“When darkness falls upon your heart and soul

I’ll be the light that shines for you

When you forget, how beautiful you are

I’ll be there to remind you

When you can’t find your way

I’ll find my way to you

When troubles come around

I will come to you

I’ll be your shoulder

When you need someone to lean on

Be your shelter

When you need someone to see you through

I’ll be there to carry you, I’ll be there

I’ll be the rock that will be strong for you

The one that will hold on to you

When you feel that rain fallin’ down

When there’s nobody else around

I’ll be

And when you’re there, with no one there to hold

I’ll be the arms, that reach for you

And when you feel your faith is running low

I’ll be there to believe in you

When all you find are lies

I’ll be the truth you need

When you need someone to run to

You can run to me”

Make sure you connect with your friends this week, this week of Thanksgiving, and let them know how much they mean to you. Be grateful for them and for all they do for you.