THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS THAT HELP US DEAL WITH CHANGE

 

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine emailed me the following “Six Little Stories.” I want to share them with you today because in each, there is sound advice for dealing with change.

Story 1: Once all villagers decided to pray for rain. On the day of prayer all the people gathered, but only one boy came with an umbrella. That’s FAITH.

 

Story 2: When you throw babies in the air, they laugh because they know you will catch them. That’s TRUST.  

Story 3: Every night we go to bed without any assurance of being alive in the morning, but still we set the alarms to wake up. That’s HOPE.

 

Story 4: We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future. That’s CONFIDENCE.

 

Story 5: We see the world suffering, but still we get married and have children. That’s LOVE.

Story 6: On an old man’s shirt was written a sentence ‘I am not 80 years old. I am sweet 16 with 64 years of experience.’ That’s ATTITUDE. 

Let’s now take a look at how faith, trust, hope, confidence, love, and attitude can help us deal with change.

FAITH is believing in something we cannot see. In the story above, the little boy who came to the rain prayer ceremony was clearly demonstrating his conviction that the prayers would work and rain would fall even before the ceremony concluded. Faith is an important virtue to practice when dealing with change, especially unexpected or unwanted change. As Jon Gordon, author of The Shark and the Goldfish, tells us, “The first choice you have is a choice between faith and fear. … What faith and fear have in common is a future that hasn’t happened yet. Fear believes in a negative future. Faith believes in a positive future. Interestingly enough, both believe in something that hasn’t happened yet. So I ask you, if neither the positive or negative future has happened yet, why not choose to believe in a positive future? Why not believe that great things are coming your way? Why not have faith in the future and your ability to create it?” (Pages 36-37) There are times when we have to stop worrying and doubting and instead, focus on things working out for the best.

TRUST is when we believe in the reliability of someone or something. In dealing with change, we must trust that the change is needed (even though we may not feel that at the time of the change) and that everything will work out just fine in the changed environment.   If the change is unexpected or unwanted and feels like a heavy burden or an insurmountable challenge we must, “…trust that adversity is not the end, but the beginning of something better and greater.” (Jon Gordon, The Shark and the Goldfish, page 22) No matter what we face with change, we must trust (and have faith in) our thoughts and actions. “Faith is believing the best is yet to come. Trust is knowing you can make it happen.” (Anonymous)

HOPE is the expectation of something beneficial in the future; it is a feeling of expectation and desire. Hope is a motivator. Hope helps us to keep going when times are hard. “When the world says give up, hope whispers try one more time.” (Anonymous) Hope lets us know that no matter how bad things seem at the moment, no matter how dark, there will be something better and brighter around the corner. As Samuel Smiles says, “Hope is like the sun, which, as we journey toward it, casts the shadow of our burden behind us.”

Some changes can bring challenges to us, but with hope, we can overcome those challenges. We can hope that things will be/feel/look better with each passing day and in hoping so, we keep on trying no matter what we may be facing. Hope helps us find or make peace with ourselves and with the situation.   That measure of inner peace will certainly help us more productively deal with whatever we are facing.

CONFIDENCE is being certain that an outcome will be favorable. It is a sureness that something will happen. Think about what happens when we face change. All change begins with an ending; with some sort of loss. Loss can cause us to feel anxious, uncertain, fearful, and uneasy. Most of these feelings are generated by the movement out of our comfort zone.

Sometimes, when we move out of our comfort zone, we begin to question what will happen and will it be for the best and/or we question our ability to “make it” in the changed environment. It is confidence that gives us the power to face any challenge that change presents us.   Henry David Thoreau tells us, “If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours.”

LOVE is an intense feeling of affection. The love we have for our friends and family and theirs for us is especially important in times of change. Tough moments can lead to stress which can be a “frequent visitor” during times of change. Friends provide a measure of stability that is most helpful when dealing with the stress associated with the change or the accompanying transitions.   They listen, they encourage, they provide suggestions and advice, and they are just there to provide whatever support may be needed. These people are our cheerleaders; our support system. They can help us put/keep things in perspective and can help us move forward beyond what has changed.

ATTITUDE, according to Oxford Dictionary, is a settled way of thinking or feeling about someone or something, typically one that is reflected in a person’s behavior. It is attitude that determines how we react to events and situations in our life. In the above story, the 80-year-old man has reacted to his age in a humorous and positive way. He has adopted a positive attitude and he seems to view his life as an adventure instead of something that he has to just get through. A positive attitude helps us cope more easily with the daily affairs of life. It brings optimism into our life and makes it easier to avoid worry and negative thinking. If we adopt it as a way of life, it will bring constructive changes into our lives (which might be so needed with change). With a positive attitude, we see the bright side of life, become optimistic, expect the best to happen, and have a stronger belief in ourselves.  When we believe in ourselves, we are more willing to be pro-active and to take action which is really needed when dealing with change. William James of Harvard University said, “The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitude.”

The next time you face a change, especially one that is unwanted or unexpected, remember to approach the change with: an attitude that is positive and says ‘I will get through this just fine,’ the love and support of friends and family, the confidence to deal with whatever faces you, hope that everything will work out for the best, trust that you will make everything work out for the best, and faith in a positive future where everything will work out for the best!

FINDING BRIGHT SPOTS WHEN CHANGE BRINGS DARKNESS

Framed and hanging on the wall in one of the rooms in my home is a piece of material with embroidered flowers. Dark stains mark the material. My maternal grandmother embroidered the flowers; flood waters left the dark stains. My mother was nine (going on 10) when the flood of March 1936 hit Homestead, Pennsylvania. (Homestead, located along the Monongahela River, is seven miles southeast of Pittsburgh and was one of the many communities affected by the Great Saint Patrick’s Day Flood of March 17-18, 1936. The flooding which occurred 80 years ago was the worst in the Pittsburgh area’s history.)  I recall my mother sharing stories about how the rising waters had the family moving from the first floor to the second to the third, until finally, they were sitting on the roof of the house. My mother’s family didn’t have a lot, but what they did have was either lost or damaged by the flood waters.

The embroidered flower piece, while damaged, became a symbol of hope for my mother. Every time I clean the frame and the glass, I can “feel” that hope as my mother’s words about the flood, about life, and about dealing with adversity echo in my mind. Henry David Thoreau’s words, “The twilight, in fact, had several stages, and several times after it had grown dusky, acquired a new transparency, and the trees on the hillsides were lit up again” often come to mind when I get into a reflective mode while cleaning that picture. Yes, despite darkness, there is always some light that can enter our lives to brighten the darkest of moments.

Certainly the flood and its aftermath was a tough situation for my mother’s family. However, they were able to find the good in it. All this reflection brings me to this week’s topic: how to see the good – how to find the bright spots – when change brings darkness.

If change brings darkness, one way to find the bright spots is to have hope. Hope is the expectation of something beneficial in the future; it is a feeling of expectation and desire. Hope is a motivator. Hope helps us to keep going when times are hard. Hope lets us know that no matter how bad things seem at the moment, no matter how dark, there will be something better and brighter around the corner. As Samuel Smiles says, “Hope is like the sun, which, as we journey toward it, casts the shadow of our burden behind us.”

Other ways to find the bright spots when change brings darkness are:

We can look for the positive in life. There is a positive aspect in everything. In every person, in every situation, there is something good. Most of the time, it’s not all that obvious. We have to look. And sometimes we have to look hard. When faced with a difficult or challenging situation think to yourself, “What is good about this?” No matter how terrible the situation might seem, you can always find something good if you take the time to think about it. Everything –- positive and negative -– is a learning experience. So, at the very least, you can learn from negative experiences. However, there’s usually even more to it than that. If you really take the time to look, you will usually find something good, something really positive, about every person or situation.

We can reframe the situation. We all have people, situations, and events that can create a bad mood or a bad attitude. Remember it is not the person, event, situation, experience or problem itself but rather the way we respond to it that makes us feel the way we do. When you change the way you look at something, your attitude and your results will also change. As Thich Nhat Hanh reminds us, “If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can endure a hardship today.”

We can concentrate on positive self-talk. Replace negative thoughts and words with positive ones, words that make you feel happy and in control. Concentrate on positive thoughts with positive results. Remember, if we look for bright spots, we will find them. If we look for darkness, we will find it. Optimists look for the good, the bright; pessimists look for the bad, the dark. And, know what? They both seem to find what they are looking for!

We can also have an attitude of gratitude for what we do have. Instead of focusing on what is wrong or what is lacking, we can be grateful for what we do have at the moment. Be grateful for what you have and count your blessings. When you live with an attitude of gratitude your entire attitude towards life will change. Focus on the positive things in your life and make a grateful list. You will feel better by the time you finish your list.

We can adopt the philosophy that obstacles are there to challenge us. If something isn’t going great; if there is a roadblock in the way, view it as a temporary setback. It doesn’t have to put a negative slant on everything. Rise to the challenge and put your creativity to work in overcoming the obstacle. Remember, challenges in life make us better (but we must allow them to do so). If one thing “bad” happens to you in a day, that is one “bad” moment; not a bad day. If you develop the philosophy that there is no such thing as a bad day, only bad moments, you will be well on your way to seeing the bright spots within the darkness.

We can always maintain control (over the situation, over our thoughts, over our actions).  Maintaining control (especially over our reaction to the situation) will help with good decision making which will help with overcoming any darkness that has entered our life which will help with finding the bright spots. Remember, respond rather than react.

We can adopt a positive, empowered, “I will get through this” attitude. It is all about choice. People who are able to see the bright spots are able to bounce back because they choose to see opportunity instead of problems; they choose to pick themselves up and move on; they choose to learn from the situation.

Positive and negative things; good and bad things are given in our lives. When something positive/good happens we seem to take it in stride and just move on with our lives. However, we usually will devote more time, energy, and attention to negative/bad things because they usually slow us down or prevent us from moving in a direction or altering something we want. This time, energy, and attention is usually in the forms of complaining, becoming frustrated, blaming, questioning, etc.

What would be more productive is to use the time, energy, and attention to look for the bright spots in the darkness; in the negative/bad situation. Think: what can I do to turn this thing, this situation, this change into something with which I can work?

If instead of dwelling on the darkness in the change we look for the bright spots, we may be better able to find or to make peace with ourselves and with the situation. That measure of inner peace will certainly help us more productively deal with whatever we are facing.

“GO CONFIDENTLY IN THE DIRECTION OF YOUR DREAMS”

Since this is the time of year where college and high school (as well as preschool, kindergarten, and eighth grade) graduations are upon us, Henry David Thoreau’s quote, “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams” seems a most appropriate theme for this week’s blog post. And, this week, I dedicate this blog post to all graduates, especially those at Peters Township High School (in SW Pennsylvania) where my nephew attends and where he and his friends will end their high school experience this week.

I can see some of you asking, “Becky, you write about change. Where does graduation fit in with that?” Well, I am glad you asked. Graduation marks a time of change, and all change begins with an ending. When one graduates, attending classes, following a schedule, listening to teachers (all of this done in a familiar building or on a campus one has called home for several years) ends. And while most look forward to their graduation (especially high school seniors), this rite of passage can also cause anxiety, uncertainty, uneasiness, fear. These ‘unpleasant feelings’ are often generated by the movement out of one’s comfort zone.

Sometimes, when we move out of our comfort zone, we begin to question our ability to either do certain things or question our ability to “make it” in the new territory. When we question our ability to do something we are putting our confidence in question. Even those students who did exceptionally well in high school might begin to question if they will do OK in college. They may further question whether they will fit in; whether they will get along with their roommate(s); whether they will do OK on their own.

All of those questions are normal and natural. And, as long as the questioning of oneself doesn’t begin to limit what one does, things are OK. But, if those questions begin to erode one’s confidence then we do have an issue. Dealing with changes in life especially those that surround a graduation can be tough and during change, more than ever, we need to maintain a high level of confidence in ourselves and our abilities.

Our confidence in ourselves is one of our greatest gifts. But, it is also a gift that seems to change from circumstance to circumstance in our lives. I believe it especially changes when we encounter change and move out of our comfort zone. This is a time when we may begin to question ourselves; when we may find our confidence level plummeting.What can you do to maintain your confidence when you encounter a change that seems to rock your world or what can you do to restore your confidence if it has slipped or seemed to have “taken a vacation” after change has entered your life? Let’s explore eight ways to maintain or restore your confidence.BAN THE WORDS ‘NOT _____ ENOUGH” FROM YOUR VOCABULARY. When you begin to say ‘I am not good enough’ or ‘I am not strong enough’ or ‘I don’t know enough’ or ‘I am not pretty enough,’ you begin to develop a mindset that definitely begins to erode any confidence you have in yourself.   Instead, be positive and give yourself time to truly assess the situation. BE POSITIVE. You are in charge of what you think. Let me repeat that. YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF WHAT YOU THINK. You need to kick out all the negative thoughts from your mind. Reading inspirational quotes can motivate you to take action and when to take action.   Surround yourself with positive images. Replace negative thoughts and words with positive ones, words that make you feel happy and in control. Concentrate on positive thoughts with positive results. AVOID COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS. St. Francis de Sales said, “Be who you are and be that well.” His advice to us is to not try to be a copy of someone else, but to be our own original. Don’t try to be something you are not. Make the best out of your strengths and talents. Accept them and work with them. Keep the focus on you.

DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF. Much “stuff” will happen in our lives over which we have no control.   We often let this “stuff” upset us; make us think we can’t do something. Avoid letting little things upset you. Learn to relax. Learn to go with the flow.

BELIEVE YOU CAN AND YOU WILL.  Denis Waitley’s advice fits here: “If you believe you can, you probably can. If you believe you won’t, you most assuredly won’t. Belief is the ignition switch that gets you off the launching pad.” Stay strong in the belief in yourself. Don’t let the opinion of others upset you for when you do, it is a sign that you don’t really believe in yourself. Do not worry about what others think. If someone chooses to pass judgment on you, that is their right; however, you do not need to agree with the judgment or the opinion. Stay strong in your self-belief. As someone said, “Life is too short to stress yourself with people who don’t deserve to be an issue in your life.” If you picture yourself as a confident person, you will be a confident person.

CONTROL YOUR REACTION. You do control your destiny. While things may happen that are beyond our control, we do have control over how we handle, how we deal with the situation. As Brian Tracy said, “You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.” Same philosophy applies when you are dealing with your confidence level. You are in control of how you handle the things that happen and the things people may say. Maintain an attitude that keeps your confidence level intact.

DO NOT FEAR BEING WRONG. Peter T Mcintyre said, “Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong.” Nothing can shake one’s confidence like being wrong about things and having that pointed out to you. But, if you adopt the attitude that any mistake you might make can be used as a learning opportunity, you will be well on the way to keeping your self-confidence intact. Thomas Edison said, “Negative results are just what I want. They’re just as valuable to me as positive results. I can never find the thing that does the job best until I find the ones that don’t.”

HAVE NO REGRETS. Regrets are like weeds in a flower garden. They take away from the beauty of everything else in the garden. Same thing applies in our lives. Looking back on anything with regret just takes away energy we could be using to do something more productive. We need to embrace things that may have happened in our past; learn from them. As Aubrey O’Day states, “You can never regret anything you do in life.  You kind of have to learn the lesson from whatever the experience is and take it with you on your journey forward.”  If you are positive, looking to the future, and self-confident then regret has no place in your world.

Whether you are currently experiencing some type of change in your life (as the high school and college graduates are), or have recently had some type of change rock your world, or have a change that you know about coming up soon, how successful and happy you are in the changed environment will depend largely on how much confidence you display in yourself. You need to be confident in yourself when dealing with change. You must believe in yourself.   When you believe in yourself, you are more willing to be pro-active, to take action which is really needed when dealing with change and transition.

Thoreau’s thoughts have much merit. He said, “If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours.” No matter what change is bringing to us, if we move forth confidently, keeping our dreams, our goals, what we want, we will invariably be successful. Peter Pan author, JM Barrie wrote, “The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease forever to be able to do it.” Don’t squash any dream or goal. You can rise above any challenge change throws your way if you remember to remain confident in yourself!