“I WANT THINGS JUST AS THEY WERE”

 

“I want things just as they were!” For anyone who has dealt with sudden and/or unexpected change (of either a major or seismic kind), this phrase of wanting things just as they were will sound familiar.   Most recently, these words were uttered by the wife of my late cousin, Army, who passed away earlier this year. As summer was fading into fall, she was feeling his loss more than usual. Her favorite season was coming to an end. She was closing up things for the season at the lake house where they spent so much time together.   She shared, “For whatever reason that turned out to be incredibly sad. Not because of the end of my favorite season, but I think it just made things seem very real about Army. Maybe I felt like ‘OK, I made it through a summer and survived but I don’t want to do anymore seasons of surviving.’ I want things just as they were.”

 Lisa is echoing how so many of us feel when change enters our life and takes something away from us causing us to miss what was. (This is especially true when what is taken away is a loved one.) This is, indeed, one of the things that makes accepting and adjusting to change so hard.  Change is all about making something different from what is. It seems that no matter how small or dramatic the change, no matter how expected or unexpected the change, it is accompanied by fear, doubt, uncertainty, and a sense of loss of control. It can be painful, uncomfortable, and difficult to change. It is human nature to want to avoid anything that is painful, makes us uncomfortable, and is difficult. Many changes move us out of our comfort zone, that zone, like a child’s security blanket, where we feel safe and secure.  We would prefer comfortable, familiar, and safety. But on this journey we call life change is a constant and something that is unavoidable.

Nothing in life is permanent – not the good; not the bad. While many of us are glad to get rid of any bad in our life, we do like to hold on to the good.   When the good is taken away, there is always a reason (and usually one we only understand in hindsight). And, when the good is taken away, our hearts seem to shatter into a bazillion pieces. So, how do we move on when our heart is broken and stuck on what was?

EMBRACE IMPERMANENCE. Since nothing is permanent, we need to treat each day and everything in it as if it will never happen again. Appreciate people, places, and things. Treat the unknown as an adventure (rather than something to fear).

FOCUS ON THE PRESENT. Keep memories of what was close at heart (and in perspective),  but we must keep our focus on the here and now. Let go and move on. As Louise Smith says, “You can’t reach for anything new if your hands are still full of yesterday’s junk.”

ESTABLISH YOUR EMOTIONAL CENTER. Ariane de Bonvoisin advises, “Unless you firmly establish your emotional center in the midst of a new condition, you remain psychologically outside it although within it.”  Change brings about a slew of emotions (that we often label as either positive or negative depending on how they make us feel).   We need to give ourselves time to adjust and orient ourselves to what we are feeling. In establishing our emotional center, we will have ups and downs (think of a roller coaster). There will be periods when we do feel calm and at other times, we will feel despair. As long as we don’t get stuck in any one place, we will make progress toward establishing our emotional center.

DO WHAT YOU THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE. Dealing with different is difficult.  We must be courageous and do things we thought were impossible.  We need to put one foot in front of the other and tackle the new stuff in the unknown.  As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.  You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror.  I can take the next thing that comes along.’  You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

BELIEVE THAT CHANGE LEADS TO GOOD. While we are in the midst of a change, especially one we didn’t ask for, it is hard to fathom the reason for that change and it is harder to see the good. But, even those changes that result from what we would consider a “negative” event have something good in them.

In The Language of Letting Go, Melody Beattie writes, “The winds of change blow through our life, sometimes gently, sometimes like a tropical storm. Yes, we have resting places – time to adjust to another level of living, time to get our balance, time to enjoy the rewards. We have time to catch our breath. But change is inevitable and desirable. Sometimes, when the winds of change begin to rustle, we’re not certain the change is for the better. We may call it stress or a temporary condition, certain we’ll be restored to normal. Sometimes, we resist. We tuck our head down and buck the wind, hoping that things will quickly calm down, get back to the way things were. Is it possible we’re being prepared for a new “normal?” Change will sweep through our life, as needed, to take us where we’re going. We can trust that our Higher Power has a plan in mind, even when we don’t know where the changes are leading. We can trust that the change-taking place is good. The wind will take us where we need to go.”

No matter how much our hearts want us to go back to the way things were, we need to allow the “winds of change” to gently move us in new directions. We may have to help our hearts along the journey so that they can deal with what is now our new “normal.” It may help our hearts adjust to the new “normal” if we incorporate our experiences from the way things were into how things are now. In doing so, we will move beyond surviving to thriving.

 

THRIVING DURING TIMES OF CHANGE

Last week, I was asked to speak at a luncheon for hospital volunteers.   While learning a little bit about the group, so I could tailor my comments to them, I discovered that the hospital in which they volunteered had recently undergone tremendous changes, many of which were not sitting well with these volunteers.  When I mentioned to my contact that addressing how to embrace and ride the waves of change might be interesting, entertaining, and meaningful to the group, she agreed, and I was “off and running” preparing my remarks for the group.

The volunteers all seem to be dealing with the emotional and psychological aspects (transitions) of change and everything that this blog has been focusing on the past month – mindset, habits, beliefs, and emotions – seemed appropriate to present to this group.

So, I had my topic and I knew that I wanted to share with them how they could survive the changes and even thrive within the new environment.    Jon Gordon’s book The Shark and the Goldfish:  Positive Ways to Thrive During Waves of Change provided the inspiration for how to deliver my message.

If you are not familiar with this book, principles on how to embrace change and thrive in its wake are presented through a fable about a goldfish (Gordy) who when taken to the beach by his owner gets accidently swept away into the ocean.  He is befriended by a helpful shark (Sammy) who teaches him valuable lessons about surviving and thriving in a new environment.    Gordon has done a masterful job of weaving strategies and techniques in this tale and has done so in a way that enlightens, encourages, and inspires.  I found the information in this book a wonderful complement to the suggestions that have been made in my posts on mindset, habits, beliefs, and emotions as well as a wonderful complement to my book Facing the Sunshine and Avoiding the Shadows:  Strategies to Stay Sane and Positive amid Change.

The tale of the shark and the goldfish highlights four steps to thrive during change:

• Embrace the wave of change
• Ride the wave of change
• Stay positive during change
• Thrive because of change

When the WAVE OF CHANGE hits you, to be successful and to thrive you:

Must acknowledge what has happened (no matter how you feel about what has happened, you need to admit that something has become different and that something does require you to give it attention).

Need to adjust your thinking within the changed environment (remember Einstein’s thought that, “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”).

You need to decide to be a hero (someone who in the face of adversity displays courage and determination to persevere and move forward despite all odds) and not a victim of circumstance (one who feels deceived or cheated by the situation; one who feels “woe is me” is how life now is) in the changed environment.

Need to take control of your reaction to the change.  (Reflect on Brian Tracey’s words, “You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.)

Need to persist and you need to keep things in perspective.

To successfully EMBRACE THE WAVE OF CHANGE, you need to:

Believe that you can influence the situation and outcome by positive thoughts, beliefs, and actions.  (In Gordon’s book, this is called the “Positive Shark Formula” or events + positive response = outcome.)

Trust that whatever you are facing is not the end, but the beginning of something better and greater.  (Remember, everything happens for a reason even though we can’t always determine or understand what that reason may be at the time.  Keeping an open mind and remaining positive will only help.) 

RIDING THE WAVE OF CHANGE means you need to:

Assess the situation by asking what can I learn from this, how can I grow and become better as a result of it, what opportunities does this situation present, what do I want from or out of this situation, and what positive actions do I need to take to help me achieve what I want?

Believe that the change does/will provide an opportunity to get a fresh start or does/will provide an opportunity to help others in some way deal with what you have just faced.

Check your mindset.  Is a chain that is holding you back?  As Henry Ford said, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t – you’re right.”  (Or as  Sammy and Gordy say in the book, “If you think your best days  are behind you, they are; if you think your best days are ahead of you,  they are.”)

TIPS FOR STAYING POSITIVE DURING THE CHANGE include:

• Focus on what is possible, not what is impossible.
• Your belief must be greater than all the negativity and doubt. 
• All success starts with belief.
• Positive beliefs lead to powerful actions.
• Choose faith over fear. Faith believes in a positive future that hasn’t happened yet; fear believes in a negative future that hasn’t happened yet.

• The changed environment can be scary and frightening; faith helps overcome the fear that sabotages joy and success.
• You can choose how you see things in the changed environment.
• Expect success and you will find it.
• The only one who can limit your possibilities is you.
• Don’t let your past determine your future.
• Instead of being disappointed about where you are, be optimistic about where you are going.

The final step in thriving during change is to THRIVE BECAUSE OF CHANGE.  To do this, you must:

• Enhance a  positive attitude with focus and action.
• Think and act like a “winner.”

• Adopt the attitude that there is no substitute for hard work.
• Tune out distractions.
• Work hard and focus on thriving; don’t settle for just surviving.
• Know what you want, work hard, and focus on getting it.
• Learn from others and model their successes.

It is, indeed, so true that we can’t control the events in our lives.  What we are in control of is how we respond to those events.     It is your choice to be like a “goldfish,” waiting for someone to come along and “feed you;” take care of you and your needs.  And, if someone doesn’t come along to care for you, you believe you will not be able to make it.   Or, you can be like a “shark,” who is used to fending for himself and does what it takes to do so successfully.  Your future, especially in the changed environment, is truly in your hands.

The next time you encounter a change and consider it a misfortune, tweak that thought by looking for the opportunity within that adversity.  Have faith over fear.  Focus on a positive future (faith) rather than a negative one (fear).   Remember, to be successful, attitude is everything.  As the author states, “Just like Gordy, many of us have to change the way we think and act in order to survive and thrive when life isn’t going our way.  It might surprise you, but many successful people and businesses have actually grown to prominence during the worst recessions and downturns all because they took action and moved full steam ahead while others merely tried to stay afloat.”