THE POWER OF POSITIVE ENERGY

 

I’ve written a lot about the importance of having a positive attitude, spreading positive vibes, and having a joyful inner spirit. In each of these past posts, I have focused on what we can do to: remain positive, turn negatives into positives, concentrate on the positive, and maintain a ‘can do’ attitude.   With this post, I want to take a slightly different tactic and talk about the power of positive energy and how positive energy can help in our lives and especially in dealing with change.

So, just what is positive energy? For the purposes of this post, it is not the type of energy associated with physical science. Examples include energy such as kinetic, potential, electrical, thermal, magnetic, radiant, or gravitational. No, my use of the term refers to what Joachim I. Krueger, Ph.D. calls “a bundle of desirable attributes.” In a blog post titled One Among Many found on Psychology Today, he says, “A person who is enthusiastic, empathic, cheerful, optimistic, courteous, generous, or kind would fit the bill. … Again, ‘positive energy’ is simply shorthand for ‘good person.’”

Positive energy comes from a mindset that imagines, thinks, speaks, and sees everything in terms of its good, its potential for growth, success, and happiness. Our mindset is very powerful. It consists of beliefs and beliefs are thoughts that are repeated over and over for a period of time that determine how we respond to situations.   And the longer we think that something can or can’t happen, the more we believe that thought and the more we act accordingly.

This week, let’s explore the power of positive energy and how it can help us deal with change:

HELPS US FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE and break the cycle of negativity. You’ve heard the phrase, “You are what you eat.” The same applies to our thoughts. You are what you think. If you think negative, you will be negative. If you think you can’t, you won’t be able to. If you think you can, you will be able to. If you repeat positive thoughts, your mind will begin to focus on what you want you want rather than on what you do not want. Positive energy provides the fuel to fight and weaken the negative.

GIVES US CONFIDENCE. Positive energy gives us a feeling of empowerment; of assurance in our abilities and               qualities. We are less likely to second guess ourselves. We believe we are worthy of our goal, dream, or desire. No                   matter what the odds, we have a sense of “I can do this!”

 

ALLOWS US TO BE RESOLUTE. Feelings of determination, tenacity, and persistence come from positive energy. It gives us a firm and unwavering desire to do or pursue something. Nothing will get us down. We will see things to the end.

 

INCREASES STAMINA to deal with what we face. Whether it is the situation or the naysayers in the situation (those energy vampires), positive energy gives us the power and strength to keep moving forward no matter what obstacles or roadblocks are placed in our way. Endurance and perseverance are mainstays in our toolbox of change strategies.

MAKES US SEE THAT MISTAKES ARE NOTHING MORE THAN LEARNING OPPORTUNITIES. Instead of wallowing in the mistake, positive energy allows us to look back at a circumstance and figure out what went wrong and then come up with ways to do things differently or to correct whatever went wrong or didn’t happen.

TEMPERS OUR RESPONSE/REACTION TO WHAT IS HAPPENING. Positive energy allows us to see the good in what is happening, even if the situation feels bad. It helps us react in ways that are more productive in dealing with whatever we are facing. Randy Pausch, the Carnegie Mellon University professor who battled pancreatic cancer and who in The Last Lecture said, “We cannot change the cards we are dealt just how we play the hand” exemplified the power of positive energy and used it to deal with, accept, and make the best of his situation. Pausch spread messages of hope and being positive while making the most of each and every day he had until his cancer ended his life.

MAINTAINS OUR ENTHUSIASM. Enthusiasm is intense and eager enjoyment or interest. Enthusiasm can fire up your determination and spirit. Enthusiasm is the fuel that sustains you when dealing with change. It is the fire that lights you up and keeps you moving forward in the face of difficulties. It lifts you up when the situation looks dark, and it energizes you when you are tired. Being enthusiastic about what you are doing will increase your experience in a really good way.  It increases your vitality.  You will go about your life with energy and you’ll feel good about what you are doing, no matter what it is. When we are enthusiastic, our voice reflects our positive mood. We stress less about everything. We are open to try new things. All of these help us cope with change more positively and confidently. And, because enthusiasm is infectious, you will energize others around you who can help you deal with whatever the change has brought your way.

Since you are in charge of what you think, it makes more sense to think in a positive manner.  Positive thoughts = positive  feelings = feeling that you can do, can deal with whatever is facing you. Those positive thoughts fuel positive energy which will get your through the toughest times any change can challenge you with. Be your own CEO (chief energy officer) and try to make positive energy work for you.

CONNECTING THE PIECES

 

Jigsaw puzzles. They were a common sight in my childhood home especially in the winter months. My mom liked to spend time outdoors tending to her flower beds and garden. This activity occupied time well into the evening in the late spring and summer months. However, she was unable to do either in the winter months. 

So, jigsaw puzzle building was the substitute activity November through February. A card table would take up residence in the living room, covered with the thousand individual pieces that would eventually create a beautiful whole. There is a definite strategy to going from pieces that individually don’t have a lot of meaning to connecting them so that together there is not only meaning but strength of purpose. Jigsaw puzzle building got me to thinking about dealing with change. This week, I want to explore the parallels between the two.

The Puzzle Warehouse website offers the following puzzle building tips:

Flip all pieces upwards; have all pieces facing the same way.                                            

Find all the edge pieces.

Sort by color.

Keep special, distinguishing pieces separate and build on them when you can.

Pay close attention to shape.

Work in small sections at a time.

Don’t give up.

Once finished, congratulate yourself.

Let’s take a closer look at how each of these tips can help us deal with change.

Flip all pieces upwards; have all pieces facing the same way. When a major or seismic change enters your life, take time to sort through what is now different, what the future may hold and what is still intact. Knowing what all the ‘pieces’ are helps you get a picture of what the whole may be.

Find all the edge pieces. The edge pieces provide the frame for the puzzle. Having that framework helps work inward to complete the picture. When change happens, identify the stable pieces in your life. What is the same? What family and friends are still in the picture? Surrounding yourself with the familiar will give you a measure of comfort within and once you have found peace and reconnected with your values, it will be easier to then deal with all the remaining pieces of the change; it will be easier to pick them up and move on. 

Sort by color. This step helps bring organization to chaos. Looking at 1000+ connected pieces can be overwhelming. In puzzle building, matching colors helps narrow all that we have to work with into manageable sections. Within the colors, sections of the puzzle become recognizable. Sometimes with change, parts of life may become unrecognizable and chaotic. Taking a step back and looking for what we can group together (the similarities in life after the change to those before the change, the differences, the challenges, the opportunities) will help deal with the feeling of being overwhelmed, bring some familiarity to the picture, and help organize feelings, thoughts, and actions.

Keep special, distinguishing pieces separate and build on them when you can. With puzzle pieces, some have distinctive or special shapes. Some have text on them. Some may have a color in only spot. A close examination of the pieces may help discern subtle differences which can be useful in eventually fitting them into the whole. The same close examination can help us deal with change. When change rocks our world, we often react and respond to the ‘whole’ of the change. But, if we take a step back, take a deep breath, and take the time to really assess what changed and how it will affect us, we might find some distinguishing aspects to the change that aren’t really all that unnerving. Perhaps the change only brought about subtle or minor differences but we were so overwhelmed and reactive that we were unable to see some of the specialness or sameness with the change.

Pay close attention to shape. Puzzle pieces come in varying shapes. Some have knobs. Some have holes. There are times when it is obvious which pieces just won’t fit together and there are times when something looks like it will fit, but it doesn’t. The more we gain familiarity with the shapes and what the whole picture should/might look like, we are better able to recognize what fits and what doesn’t.   It is the same when dealing with change. And, sometimes, we just have to let go of one piece so the right one, when it comes along, will fit.

Work in small sections at a time. Using color, shape, and distinguishing features of the puzzle pieces helps us work on small sections of the puzzle at a time. Connecting the pieces in a defined section brings a sense of accomplishment and keeps us motivated. The same approach works with change. To avoid feeling overwhelmed, take things in small steps; don’t try to tackle too much at once; be realistic in expectations. Will you finish a 1000+ piece puzzle in a day? Probably not. So, why think we can get everything squared away with change in a day? Working on ‘small sections’ of change at a time and having success with those will help diminish feelings of being overwhelmed. Then our mind will tell us that we were able to deal with that successfully so we will be able to deal with whatever else is coming next successfully. If we follow doing something easy with something we feel is more difficult, the energy and “high” from our first success will help us deal with the more difficult task. Following something more taxing and difficult with something easier helps boost our confidence and get us into a good rhythm that will continue to carry us through all the tasks or issues the situation is presenting us.

Don’t give up. When puzzle building gets challenging, sometimes it helps to take a break. We often return from a break with renewed energy and fresh eyes that help us persist in our efforts. Wonderful advice for dealing with change. Giving in or giving up are not options when dealing with change. We need to be able to continually move forward despite the difficulties created by the change. Persistence helps us become resolute in doing this; it gives us the resolve to go on; it provides the drive. And, being patient with ourselves and the process will help in not giving up.

Once finished, congratulate yourself. Putting the final piece into a 1000+ puzzle is quite an accomplishment and it is sound advice to let yourself know that you did it.  You accomplished a challenging feat! We need to do the same when we are dealing with change. We need to recognize our tenacity, our persistence, our resolve, and our ability to deal with the challenges. Acknowledging successes, small and large, in our efforts to deal with change is an important step to keep us going, to keep us moving forward.

When dealing with change, we go through three stages: the ending (or letting go), the wilderness (or neutral zone), and the new beginning. The steps in puzzle building are like being in the wilderness stage. With change, the wilderness is where the old and new overlap. There is excitement about the possibilities as well as a feeling of being overwhelmed by the possibilities. Just as in puzzle building, we use trial and error in deciding what to do, in which direction to go. There will be successes; there will be failures. There will be moments of insight; of creativity in how to deal with a challenging section. Time in the wilderness helps refine what we want, need, or what action to take. From all the pieces, we come out with a new whole.

Dealing with change is a process and working through it will help us understand how all the pieces create the whole, but recognize that not all the pieces may fit into the new whole in the same way as before. As when building a puzzle, there are many factors that determine if a piece will fit into a given space. We can’t force something into a given space. It is the same with life and change. Sometimes we just have to let go of one “piece” so the right one, when it comes along, will fit.

 

 

DEALING WITH DISAPPOINTMENT

If you are a college football fan, you might be disappointed that the season is over. You might be disappointed with who comprised the final four. You might be disappointed with who won the National Championship. You might be disappointed that your favorite team didn’t make it to a bowl game or if it did, that it didn’t win its game.

Whether it is with your favorite sport or some other aspect of your life, I am sure that you’ve had your share of disappointments. Disappointment is a feeling of sadness, dissatisfaction, or frustration because something did not turn out as expected; something hoped for did not happen; or, something was not as good as expected. I have been disappointed because I did not get a job or a promotion that I really wanted. How about you? I have been disappointed in movies I have seen. How about you? I have been disappointed in the quality of food at some restaurants. How about you? If you reflect on various times in your life, you will probably come across something that didn’t turn out the way you expected it to.

I have seen a poster that sums up disappointment in this way: disappointment equals expectation divided by reality. How true is that statement? Oftentimes, reality puts our expectations into perspective and sometimes that perspective isn’t what we had hoped for. Disappointment is an emotion that frequently rears its head in times of change. We get disappointed with: the change itself, the amount of time it takes for things to happen in the changed environment, ourselves and our reaction to the change, and/or those around us.

It is important to acknowledge our emotional response, or disappointment; however, we must not give in and let the emotion control us.   A quote by Brian Tracy that I have used in past blog posts is appropriate here: “You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.” You must not let your disappointment be the master of you; you must not give up hope. Instead, you need to take control and turn the disappointment into something positive.

Ah, I can hear you saying, “But Becky, that is easier said than done.” Probably true, but that is no excuse for not trying to take control and deal with the disappointment. So, how do we do that?

Allow yourself to grieve for what didn’t happen. Whatever led to the disappointment is a loss of some kind. Deal with it in that way. Give yourself the time to mourn; just don’t get stuck here.

Accept that things aren’t always going to work out the way we want them to.  This is life we are talking about.  It is full of ups and downs.  Look at whatever happened as an obstacle that just needs to be dealt with.

Avoid the drama. Drop the ‘oh, woe is me!’ routine. Forget the histrionics. It happened. Move on. Deal with the situation calmly and objectively.

Put things in perspective. What lead to you being disappointed? Was it within your control or not? Assess your expectations and determine how realistic they were. If unrealistic, what needs to be done? You wanted that job promotion, but you didn’t have all the minimum qualifications. Do you need more or different experience? More education? A different skill set? If your expectations were realistic, use the situation as a learning opportunity and think about what you can do to present yourself in a different or better light the next time.

Look for the lesson. The Dalai Lama said, “Sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” What can be learned and what can or will you do differently?

Keep your eye on the ‘prize.’ Don’t lose sight of your goal. You might have to select a different route to get you to your goal, but don’t give up on it and don’t lose sight of it.

Talk to your friends and family (the “touchstones” in your life). These people are your cheerleaders; your support system. They are grieving with you. They can help you put/keep things in perspective. You need not deal with your disappointment alone; share your thoughts, your pain. You aren’t the only one who has experienced disappointment and those close to you, especially those who have moved on from a disappointment, can help you move on from yours.

Practice kaleidoscopic thinking. Rosabeth Moss Kanter coined the term and I think it is a wonderful strategy for a lot of things. In dealing with disappointment, sometimes slight adjustments to the original plan are all that is needed. Think of a kaleidoscope   (k-scope). The bits of glass in it are always the same. BUT, when the k-scope is twisted, those bits of glass form new and different patterns. We might need the same “twisting” of things in our life. A slight rearrangement of things may help you look at things in a new way, allowing you to pursue that dream; allowing you to continue to come up with a new plan that moves you forward with your life.

Disappointment will make an appearance at some point in our lifetime. If we look for the opportunities and lessons in the disappointment and use those to motivate us, use them to our advantage, we will be stronger and better able to move on and move forward in the changed environment. As author Eliza Tabor says, “Disappointment to a noble soul is what cold water is to burning metal; it strengthens, tempers, intensifies, but never destroys it.”

TAKING CONTROL OF OUR EMOTIONS

As of the original date of this posting, we are one week into a new year. In that week, has something changed in your life (or about to change) and you find yourself hanging on because you don’t want to face the unknown in the changed environment or you think that the change will be temporary or you fear what others will think or…? We have all probably dealt with situations over which we were hesitant to move forward with or to do something about.

No matter what the change – totally new job, promotion, new child in the family, relocation to a new community, divorce – each of these examples comes with a loss: loss of familiar routines, loss of a familiar way of doing something, loss of a relationship, loss of a comfort zone, perhaps even loss of control, space, power, social/role identity, or influence. It is important to accept this sense of loss and the emotions felt because of the loss: anger, resentment, sadness, denial, shock, frustration, and resistance.

 

But, therein lays our challenge because it is our emotions that underlie the difficulty of letting go and moving on. We often get stuck and wallow in our sadness, regret, panic, disappointment, or other emotional response. However, it is vital that we not let the emotional response control us. As the motivational public speaker and self-development author Brian Tracy reminds us, “You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.” You must not let your emotions be the master of you; you must not give up hope. Instead, you need to take control, face your feelings, and turn those negative emotions into something positive. (It is important to note that taking control of our emotions doesn’t mean ignoring them or inhibiting them. Instead, when we control them we work through them and we act on them in ways that are helpful to us.)

How do we take control of our emotions? Let’s take a look at ten ways.

Acknowledge the emotion. Do deal with the emotion/the feelings. The key, however, is not to let any negative emotion take over and stall you.   Create situations for positive emotions and feelings to sprout and grow.

Allow yourself to grieve for what didn’t happen or what you wanted to happen in the change. Whatever led to the feelings and emotions is a loss of some kind. Deal with it in that way. Give yourself the time to mourn; just don’t get stuck here.

Assess the situation. What parts of it can you do something about? What about it or in the situation do you have absolutely no say or control? Focus on those aspects you can take action on and let go of anything that is out of your control.

Be objective. Are you seeing the situation through “lenses” that distort the true picture? Are you interpreting things in a way that isn’t accurate? Are you jumping to conclusions rather than examining all sides of the situation?

Maintain perspective. Avoid generalizing the situation from a single event into a chain reaction of events.

Avoid labels. No matter what triggered the negative emotion, avoid calling yourself names. Whatever happened doesn’t make you a loser or doomed or no good or…. You feel a certain way only because something happened. Whatever it was that happened doesn’t define you.

Look beyond to the bigger picture.   We have to remember that everything happens for a reason and what we are dealing with at the moment is something that is part of a grand scheme.

Talk to your friends and family (the “touchstones” in your life). These people are your cheerleaders; your support system. They are grieving with you. They can help you put/keep things in perspective.

Practice a relaxation technique to help regulate the emotion. Creating a calm inner peace will help in dealing with the situation and with resulting emotions. Implement whatever works for you: meditation, prayer, deep breathing, guided imagery/visualization, mindfulness, progressive muscle relaxation, rhythmic exercise, walking, journaling, listening to music, etc.

Smile.   Smiling boosts happiness and happiness leads to a more positive outlook which can help dispel some of the unpleasant feelings and emotions.

While change initially often evokes negative emotions, not far behind are some pleasant/positive emotions, one of which is excitement. So, as Oscar Wilde says, “I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.” Take control and dominate the negative emotions so you can enjoy the positive and pleasant and move forward in the changed environment.

LETTING GO IN ORDER TO MOVE ON

I have a friend whose daily email concludes with an inspirational thought. A few weeks ago, he sent the following story from Melody Beattie’s book, More Language of Letting Go:

I crouched in the doorway of the airplane next to my skydiving coach. I held on to the doorway with my right hand for balance. With my left hand, I firmly grasped my coach’s gripper, a padded piece of cloth on his jumpsuit. It was up to me to give the count. “Ready, set. . .” I heard a snicker. “Get out of the plane,” someone hollered. “Go!” I released my grip on the door, closed my eyes, and dived headfirst into the air with my left hand firmly attached to my jump master’s gripper. I was falling stable and holding on with both hands. He nodded, giving me my cue to let go. I shook my head no. He looked confused, then nodded again. I shook my head again, clinging more tightly. It was almost time to pull. I released my grips. I just let go. It was time to save my own life. My coach backed away. I signaled and then pulled my ripcord. My parachute made that sweet whooshing sound, the one I had come to identify as the sound it makes when it opens correctly and fills with air, slowing my fall into a float. Wow! I thought. This is really fun!

“Sometimes we’re so scared, all we can think to do is hang on. Hanging on in this case was a silly illusion. We were both falling through the air. Holding on to a relationship that’s not working, a negative self-image, a job that isn’t working, moments and times that have passed, or emotions such as fear and hurt can be silly illusion, too. To save our own lives, sometimes we have to let go first.”

As we begin yet another new year, it is a good time to reflect on the importance of letting go so that we can move forward.   The present has so much to offer, but if we continually focus on what was, we will never be able to see what is. And if we can’t see what is, it will be difficult for us to move on with our lives in a productive, satisfying way. We have to avoid getting trapped into what Ms. Beattie calls a “silly illusion.”

Indeed, letting go can be difficult. But there are some things that we can do to help us let go so we can move on. We can:

Recognize that it is time to let go and move on. Just as the skydiver knew that it was time to pull that ripcord, so it has to be with us. The sooner we let go, the sooner we can move forward with life.

Deal with emotions that may be making it difficult to let go. Our emotions underlie the difficulty of letting go and moving on. We often get stuck and wallow in our sadness, regret, panic, disappointment, or other emotional responses. However, it is vital that we not let the emotional response control us. Create situations for positive emotions and feelings to sprout and grow.

Practice a relaxation technique to help regulate the emotion. Creating a calm inner peace will help in dealing with the situation and with resulting emotions. Implement whatever works for you: meditation, prayer, deep breathing, guided imagery/visualization, mindfulness, progressive muscle relaxation, rhythmic exercise, walking, journaling, listening to music, etc.

Reflect on what was, what is, and what we want to happen. Understand how all the pieces created the whole, but recognize that not all the pieces will fit into what is the new. As when building a puzzle, there are many factors that determine if a piece will fit into a given space. We can’t force something into a given space. It is the same with life. Sometimes we just have to let go of one “piece” so the right one, when it comes along, will fit.

Accept our past and what has happened but learn from our own history.   The lessons we learn will help us let go and move forward.

Visualize our goal.   If what we are holding on to doesn’t help us reach our goal, it is definitely time to let go.

Focus on what is truly important. We need to make a list of all the things that are most meaningful, most important to us. Begin to let go of “stuff” in our lives that doesn’t make the list; this is the “stuff” that interferes with us letting go and moving on.

Touch base with our values. It is important to make sure our beliefs and values are in line with where we are headed. If not, we may need to realign our direction (to let go of where we were headed) to stay true to ourselves.

Smile.   Smiling boosts happiness and happiness can help dispel some of the unpleasant feelings and emotions.

Be positive.  We need to do our best to start each day on a positive note. Think – this is going to be a great day! Take everything in stride. Look for the positive in all that is going on. Smile. Laugh. Try to eliminate as many negatives from thoughts, words, and actions as possible. Try banning words such as: no, I don’t like, I can’t, but…

Psychologist Carl Jung said, “I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become.”   In this New Year, “choosing to become” may just mean letting go of some of what was. What was is just that. What was becomes but one part of us; it doesn’t define us; it is not the whole picture. In this New Year, let’s all resolve to let go of those things that are holding us back from a happy, productive, satisfying life. Don’t be fooled by “silly illusions.” Let go so you can move on and move forth!