DEALING WITH DISAPPOINTMENT

If you are a college football fan, you might be disappointed that the season is over. You might be disappointed with who comprised the final four. You might be disappointed with who won the National Championship. You might be disappointed that your favorite team didn’t make it to a bowl game or if it did, that it didn’t win its game.

Whether it is with your favorite sport or some other aspect of your life, I am sure that you’ve had your share of disappointments. Disappointment is a feeling of sadness, dissatisfaction, or frustration because something did not turn out as expected; something hoped for did not happen; or, something was not as good as expected. I have been disappointed because I did not get a job or a promotion that I really wanted. How about you? I have been disappointed in movies I have seen. How about you? I have been disappointed in the quality of food at some restaurants. How about you? If you reflect on various times in your life, you will probably come across something that didn’t turn out the way you expected it to.

I have seen a poster that sums up disappointment in this way: disappointment equals expectation divided by reality. How true is that statement? Oftentimes, reality puts our expectations into perspective and sometimes that perspective isn’t what we had hoped for. Disappointment is an emotion that frequently rears its head in times of change. We get disappointed with: the change itself, the amount of time it takes for things to happen in the changed environment, ourselves and our reaction to the change, and/or those around us.

It is important to acknowledge our emotional response, or disappointment; however, we must not give in and let the emotion control us.   A quote by Brian Tracy that I have used in past blog posts is appropriate here: “You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.” You must not let your disappointment be the master of you; you must not give up hope. Instead, you need to take control and turn the disappointment into something positive.

Ah, I can hear you saying, “But Becky, that is easier said than done.” Probably true, but that is no excuse for not trying to take control and deal with the disappointment. So, how do we do that?

Allow yourself to grieve for what didn’t happen. Whatever led to the disappointment is a loss of some kind. Deal with it in that way. Give yourself the time to mourn; just don’t get stuck here.

Accept that things aren’t always going to work out the way we want them to.  This is life we are talking about.  It is full of ups and downs.  Look at whatever happened as an obstacle that just needs to be dealt with.

Avoid the drama. Drop the ‘oh, woe is me!’ routine. Forget the histrionics. It happened. Move on. Deal with the situation calmly and objectively.

Put things in perspective. What lead to you being disappointed? Was it within your control or not? Assess your expectations and determine how realistic they were. If unrealistic, what needs to be done? You wanted that job promotion, but you didn’t have all the minimum qualifications. Do you need more or different experience? More education? A different skill set? If your expectations were realistic, use the situation as a learning opportunity and think about what you can do to present yourself in a different or better light the next time.

Look for the lesson. The Dalai Lama said, “Sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” What can be learned and what can or will you do differently?

Keep your eye on the ‘prize.’ Don’t lose sight of your goal. You might have to select a different route to get you to your goal, but don’t give up on it and don’t lose sight of it.

Talk to your friends and family (the “touchstones” in your life). These people are your cheerleaders; your support system. They are grieving with you. They can help you put/keep things in perspective. You need not deal with your disappointment alone; share your thoughts, your pain. You aren’t the only one who has experienced disappointment and those close to you, especially those who have moved on from a disappointment, can help you move on from yours.

Practice kaleidoscopic thinking. Rosabeth Moss Kanter coined the term and I think it is a wonderful strategy for a lot of things. In dealing with disappointment, sometimes slight adjustments to the original plan are all that is needed. Think of a kaleidoscope   (k-scope). The bits of glass in it are always the same. BUT, when the k-scope is twisted, those bits of glass form new and different patterns. We might need the same “twisting” of things in our life. A slight rearrangement of things may help you look at things in a new way, allowing you to pursue that dream; allowing you to continue to come up with a new plan that moves you forward with your life.

Disappointment will make an appearance at some point in our lifetime. If we look for the opportunities and lessons in the disappointment and use those to motivate us, use them to our advantage, we will be stronger and better able to move on and move forward in the changed environment. As author Eliza Tabor says, “Disappointment to a noble soul is what cold water is to burning metal; it strengthens, tempers, intensifies, but never destroys it.”

WORDS OF WISDOM ABOUT CHANGE

Over the past two weeks, I’ve attended several high school graduation-related events and a college new student orientation. One thing all of these events have had in common has been motivational stories about one’s new beginning and facing the future. What every speaker or presenter was doing was trying to prepare these young adults for the latest change in their lives. Since this blog focuses on change and dealing with it, I want to take time this week to share with you some of the ‘words of wisdom’ that were shared with the latest group of high school graduates because these gems will also be useful to you as you deal with change, especially letting go of what is for something that will be; for that new beginning.

PERSISTENCE: Persistence or determination, tenacity, and perseverance found its way into several of the presentations I attended.   This is an important concept when dealing with change because when we get overwhelmed by what is happening or paralyzed by being forced out of our comfort zone, it is easy for us to just give in or give up. But giving in or giving up in not an option when change is upon us. Some of the gems I heard included:

Fall seven times, stand up eight. Japanese Proverb

Persistence and resilience only come from having been given the chance to work through difficult problems.  Gever Tulley

Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all obstacles, discouragement, and impossibilities: It is this, that in all things distinguishes the strong soul from the weak. Thomas Carlyle

RELATIONSHIPS: Relationships focus on friendships and having people with whom we can interact in our lives. Since chaos, turmoil, and disruption can enter our lives with change, what better time to have a ‘touchstone’ in our lives – someone to share what we’re going through. This concept did find its way into several events and the thoughts that struck me most were:

Friends are as companions on a journey, who ought to aid each other to persevere in the road to a happier life. Pythagoras

Good friends help you find important things when you have lost them. Your smile, your hope, and your courage. Doe Zantamata 

A friend is someone who believes in you, when you have ceased to believe in yourself.  Unkown

NEW BEGINNINGS: A new beginning follows the ending of something. New beginnings provide us a new adventure, a fresh start, new hope. New beginnings are what allow us to move forward after change happens. Whether the change was wanted or planned (like a high school graduation) or happens unexpectedly, a new beginning provides us a fresh start; a time of unlimited opportunity.  As you can imagine, new beginnings is a popular theme at graduation events. Some of my favorite quotes were:

Look with favor upon a bold beginning. Virgil 

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end. Seneca 

Each ending presents a new beginning. The future holds new adventures to experience, new mountains to climb.  Unknown

OVERCOMING OBSTACLES: Another popular theme with graduation speakers is that of overcoming obstacles. This theme focuses on one’s ability to change course and direction to get around obstacles placed in the way of one’s life journey.   When in the midst of change, life can feel like a roller coaster – full of ups and downs. Those ups and downs offer us opportunities and chances to determine what is important and what direction we really want to take in the changed environment. Some points of wisdom that I heard include:

Obstacles cannot crush me. Every obstacle yields to stern resolve. He who is fixed to a star does not change his mind. Leonardo da Vinci 

I have learned that success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed. Booker T. Washington 

The greater the difficulty, the more the glory in surmounting it. Epicurus 

In the beginning, we see them as wrong turns and hopeless situations. But when we face and accept them without being defeated, they become life’s most powerful learning curves. Dodinsky 

TAKING RISKS. Taking risks involves doing something that helps achieve a desired solution but in which there is a lack of certainty about the outcome and/or a fear of failure. When change alters the course of one’s journey and a new route must be tried, there is a certain amount of risk involved when traveling down the unknown route. However, some say a turtle only advances by sticking its neck out. So it is with us. We must ‘stick our neck out;’ we must take some risks to make the necessary adjustments in the altered environment; we must ‘stick out our neck’ to move forward. While we may be able to guide where we want to go or what we want to do in the changed environment, we aren’t able to control the outcome. All we can do is plan what we want. In planning what we want, we make decisions. And in making those decisions, we take a certain amount of risk.  Quotes commonly heard included:

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. Ralph Waldo Emerson 

Nothing ventured; nothing gained. Benjamin Franklin 

Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore. Andre Gide 

You must do the thing you think you cannot do. Eleanor Roosevelt 

MISTAKES: A mistake is an error or something that is incorrect. When change is upon us, we often have to make decisions about the “new environment” or the direction we need to take to effectively deal with the change. Depending on the situation, our state-of-mind, and the information available when we are making these decisions, it is not uncommon to see lots and lots of mistakes being made. And, if our role in the changed situation has us performing unfamiliar tasks, look out! Mistakes are bound to happen.  Mistakes are actually good for us. They do show us things that need a closer look; that need more attention. Instead of feeling as if they are something ‘bad,’ as failures, or as more obstacles in the changed environment, we need to instead view them as opportunities for growth and learning. A few of my favorite thoughts were:

If you want to succeed, double your failure rate. Thomas Watson 

When you make a mistake, don’t look back at it long. Take the reason of the thing into your mind and then look forward. Mistakes are lessons of wisdom. The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power. Hugh White 

Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts. Winston Churchill

DREAMS AND GOALS: This topic was the most popular with graduation speakers. Rightly so as dream and goals are things one aspires to in the future. Not surprising that these items are frequently found in graduation and orientation presentations. Let’s think about how these relate to change. With change, something becomes different. We are moved out of the comfort zone. Both our personal and professional lives can become unsettled. Dreams are a way of helping us deal with the unsettled nature of things. If we dream about something happening and really desire that to happen, we might work hard to make that dream come true. Dreams give us possibilities. Goals are our plans for the future. Goals are what we are trying to achieve. When we set goals, we determine what result we want and then we put forth effort to achieve that result. Quotes related to this area that I liked include:

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.   Goethe 

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Life the life you’ve imagined. Thoreau 

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Go out there and live your dreams!   Unknown

Nothing happens unless first a dream. Carl Sandburg 

Believe in yourself; follow your dreams; live life to the fullest and enjoy the journey. Unknown

To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe. Unknown

If you can dream it, you can do it. Walt Disney 

It’s a brand-new chapter in your life. Take the time to enjoy your success, but remember that life stretches before you with a variety of paths to follow and many decisions to make. The time has now come to set new goals and to reach for new heights. A world of opportunities awaits.  Unknown

What I found interesting, as I sat to categorize the “words of wisdom” that I heard, was how closely they paralleled the strategies in my book Facing the Sunshine and Avoiding the Shadows: Strategies to Stay and Positive Amid Change and how often I wrote about the concepts or even used some of the quotes in my blog posts. I guess the proverb “you can never have enough of a good thing” is true! I sure hope that you were able to gather some good thoughts from these words of wisdom, thoughts that will be of help when you are dealing with change.  So, to all the high school graduates dealing with the latest change in their lives and to anyone for whom life has brought change, reflect on these words of wisdom, trust and believe in yourself, and use the power within to guide you on your journey!