FINDING OURSELVES IN THE WILDERNESS ZONE OF CHANGE

Motivational speaker and author Matthew Kelly has a new book due out soon and he has been sharing excerpts from the book, Life is Messy.  A recent one got me to thinking about the “zones” of change:  the ending, the neutral zone (which I call the wilderness), and the new beginning. 

All change begins with something ending.  The ending is followed by one roaming the neutral zone/the wilderness, a zone we must go through before starting our new beginning.   Kelly has said, “It’s a mistake to focus on the negative.  It’s a mistake sometimes to think the bad stuff is all bad.  It is often in the middle of nowhere, lost and confused, when nothing makes sense, that we find ourselves and come to know ourselves in new and brilliant ways.”

His last sentence “It is often in the middle of nowhere, lost and confused, when nothing makes sense, that we find ourselves and come to know ourselves in new and brilliant ways” perfectly describes the neutral zone/the wilderness of change.

The wilderness is a place where the old and the new overlap. I liken this wilderness to what the early pioneers felt when they ventured beyond their “comfort zone.” For them, there was a lot of confusion with new sights, sounds, and experiences.  The rules they followed in their former place no longer applied, yet new rules for this new territory, this “wilderness,” had not yet been established.  The further they got on their journey, they could no longer see where they came from and they couldn’t see exactly where they were going.  At times there was probably a sense of feeling lost and at other times these pioneers had to gain a new sense of direction.  There had to be much fear of the unknown in the new, the changed environment.

After ending something and letting go, we have probably entered the wilderness if we:

• are excited and overwhelmed by the possibilities after ending something or letting go;
• have a feeling of being lost and scared of making a wrong decision or choosing the wrong path;
• have a strong desire to try something different;
• feel confused;
• are worried or concerned about the future;
• sense that the change is a good one, but we just don’t know how we are going to make it work; and,
• question ourselves (Who am I?, What purpose do I now serve?), what happened, and the next steps (What comes next? What is my new reality?).

Why, if this neutral zone, this wilderness, is so “wild” and further engenders confusion and fear is it important when dealing with change?  It is because out of the confusion and fear, new ideas, new discoveries, reorientations, and creativity take center stage and help us toward something we might be able to accept, something that might make our life better.  It is because in this zone of change we find ourselves.

Some “travel” tips while roaming the wilderness include:

• Be observant.  Watch for “footprints in the snow” or those signs of how things are evolving.  Capitalize on the moments of creativity.
• Set short-term goals.  Where do things need to be in a day?  A week?  At the end of the month?  What should things look like in a day, week, or month? 
• Reward and reinforce.  After trying something, whether it is a success or a failure, give the thumbs up or words of encouragement.  Treating oneself or others to something is a nice acknowledgement of the efforts.  Giving out something that is symbolic of whatever was tried provides a reward as well as a visual reminder of the effort.
• Talk, talk, and talk some more.  Talk about feelings, fears, frustrations, anxieties, and ideas.
• Experiment with the ideas that come to the surface.  Use trial and error in deciding what to do, what direction in which to go, who to see.
• Be patient.   Give others and oneself time to work through the thoughts, ideas, and suggestions. Periodically step back and evaluate all that has been going on while roaming the wilderness.

There is no doubt that the wilderness is a scary place; it is often uncomfortable in the wilderness.  When in the wilderness, we have given up something with which we were once very comfortable, but we have not yet become comfortable with the “new place.” If we get scared enough, we may be tempted to fall back on the former, the old; we may try to slip back into our comfort zone. This is all normal and natural.  In fact, time in the wilderness is not linear.  It is more like start, stop, loop back, move forward, step back, surge forward.   Time in the wilderness is more spiral – or cork screw-shaped than linear or one dimensional.  But, time in the wilderness is well spent and when the journey is finished, we will be ready to move on and make a successful new beginning.  We will “…find ourselves and come to know ourselves in new and brilliant ways.”

MOVING BEYOND ‘DON’T WANT TO! DON’T LIKE IT!’ (WHAT WE GAIN FROM CHANGE)

 Ever responded to a change in your life with “Don’t want to!”?  Or, how about “Don’t like it!”?  As much as I embrace change, I have to be honest and say there are times when those phrases echo how I initially feel about some things.  Why is it that our initial reaction to change is resistance?  Author Liz Josefsberg says, “One reason people resist change is because they focus on what they have to give up, instead of what they have to gain.”

So true. Giving up something we love or we feel is useful/worthwhile or with which we are comfortable is hard.   Having to deal with the unknown of what is beyond what we are giving up or losing or dealing with the grief of the loss often blocks our ability to see what we may gain in the long run.

All change begins with something ending.   And, when we end something, we have to give it up, let go.  We have to fully let go and embrace what the change brings. The following story, adapted from The Buddha’s raft parable, is a useful illustration of the concept of letting go.

The parable of the raft explores the nature of getting across, but not retaining. A spiritual leader describes this parable to a group of monks. He begins by saying imagine there is man trying to cross a river.

 On the side closest to him, the river is filled with dangers and fears, while the far side is beautiful and peaceful. He wishes to cross to the other side, but how? There is no boat or bridge to cross, so the man creates his own raft out of sticks and branches.

 Once on the other side, he sees how useful this raft is. He wonders if he should carry it with him on his journey, taking it on his head and shoulders. The leader asks the group of monks, what should he do? No one answers.

 The leader explains that he should walk away, and continue on his journey without the raft. This is what should be done to the raft, not to retain and hold onto it, but to let it go.

 This parable explains the importance of letting things go with the flow in life. We are so quick to hold onto every little thing with the fear that we might lose it. But if we took that raft with us, it would be a huge hindrance to our journey. We must know when it is time to let go of things, so we can grow properly.

 

What do we gain through change? What do we gain when we truly let go?  What can we look forward to that will help us move beyond resistance, to move beyond “Don’t want to!”  or “Don’t like it!”?   We gain:

OPPORTUNITIES.   New and different choices come with change.    Possibilities, options, choices await us in the changed environment.

POSSIBILITIES.  This is particularly important when things aren’t going the way we would like them to.  Knowing that nothing stays the same forever can give us the encouragement we need to keep going when things in our life are “stuck.”

 

FLEXIBILITY.   Sometimes we need to just go with the flow and take things in stride.  If we stay open to the possibilities, letting go and moving on becomes a little easier to do.

MOMENTS OF SELF-DISCOVERY.  Every time something changes, we learn and we grow.  New insights are gained.  We discover things about ourselves that we never knew existed.  Change actually makes us “smarter!”

TRUE GRIT.    All change makes us stronger in some way.  Perhaps it is just strength to persevere in the face of whatever is happening.  Perhaps it is finding the spunky side of ourselves to stand up for something.   Maybe it is just having the courage to step outside the comfort zone and experience what awaits us.

NEW BEGINNINGS.   With change, we may close one aspect of our life only to open another one, one that may be challenging but also exciting and interesting.  The new beginning is a second chance!

THE ABILITY TO ADAPT.   We learn just how flexible we can be.  We become more resilient to situations and are better able to handle life outside the comfort zone.  We become better able to go with the flow.

ENERGY.   The newness of things seems to invigorate us; gives us a renewed sense of energy and drive.  Change has a way of energizing us to deal with or embrace things in the new environment.

FEARLESSNESS.   It is natural to fear the unknown which is the part of change that most of us are afraid of.  We fear the loss of our routine and our comfort zone.  But change forces us to face those fears head on and deal with them.  And, in doing so we are able to put those fears in their place and move onward and upward.

SELF-CONFIDENCE.   Each step forward in the changed environment increases our belief in ourselves.  And, when we believe in ourselves, we are more willing to be pro-active, take action, and move forward.

When change does require us to give up people or things we love and routines or places with which we feel comfortable, fixating on the loss only holds us back.  To fulfill our life journey, we need to be able to move forward.  We can only move forward by letting go.  If we can focus on what we may gain by letting go instead of obsessing on the loss, it will be easier to accept the change, adjust to the new normal, and discover and embrace the future.