SURROUNDING OURSELVES IN THE WARMTH OF TRADITIONS

Recently my nephew phoned asking for the family recipe for sweet and sour beans, a traditional side dish at Thanksgiving and Christmas. He wanted to make it for the Friendsgiving he and his friends were having.   I love the idea of him and his friends, who are all in their mid to late 20s, starting some of their own traditions.  And, I really love that he is incorporating something from a family tradition into this new venture.

Traditions, those rituals, beliefs, or objects that are passed down from one generation to another, bring people together, creating a sense of belonging and closeness.  To this day I have very fond memories of Christmas Eve spent at my paternal grandparents’ home.  Everyone was there – all the aunts, uncles, and cousins.  It was a magical day with the singing of carols, the sharing of stories, the exchanging of gifts, the making of and eating of special Italian pastries, and the dining on a traditional Feast of the Seven Fishes dinner.  

We seem to invest an emotional part of ourselves in our traditions which adds a priceless value to them. They evoke positive memories that we hold close to our heart. Traditions aren’t just about what we do at holidays but rather are those special things we do that hold meaning with those who are important and dear to us.  They connect us to something – a time, a person, a place, an event – that often wraps us with warmth and love. 

In a world filled with uncertainty, now more than ever, traditions are important because they:

• Make us feel safe and secure.
• Ground us and provide a constant.
• Give us a sense of belonging.
• Nurture connection.
• Create unity and gather us together.
• Connect us with past generations, reminding us of our roots and those things that have shaped our lives.
• Bring a measure of comfort to us.
• Provide familiarity.
• Help us gain a sense of being, belonging, believing, and benevolence.
• Teach us values.
• Create memories.
• Connect us to what we most love.
• Are typically fun and enjoyable.
• Allow us time for meaningful reflection.

Clinical psychologist Donna Rockwell writes, “Our traditions act as a compass for all of our human relationships and personal interactions, the qualitative experiences of our family life, and ultimately, the development of civilized societies themselves. As we honor traditions, so we learn to honor ourselves, and in the final analysis, each other.” 

She further states, “We desperately need our traditions. Part of the responsibility of having the chance to live at all — should we choose to look at it that way — is to be a part of the transmission of our particular family and ethnic customs. In so doing, we honor past generations by passing on their rites and rituals to the next generation. In this way, our family lineages stay stable and strong. Since ceremonies outlive us, they make us feel part of that larger sense of things as we pass them down to our own children, and theirs. That is how we realize our immortality — not in living forever, but in being part of living traditions.”

Traditions are any activity we repeat to mark an occasion such as having the same foods at a holiday meal, holding a family reunion, sharing stories of memorable moments, or taking a vacation at the same place each year.  American-British author Henry James said, “A tradition is kept alive only by something being added to it.”  Adding to a tradition aligns with Rockwell’s term “living traditions.”  Our traditional rituals do not have to keep us steeped in the past.  They do, however, keep us connected to something meaningful from the past while at the same time help us create something new in the present.  While we may repeat some things, we often do add something to the event or activity that reflects who we are now and that fits with the present.  In doing so, we create living traditions (just as my nephew is doing with his Friendsgiving) and have something dynamic (that lives and grows with us) rather than static (unchanging and merely representative).

Business consultant Rita Barreto Craig says, “Traditions touch us, they connect us, and they expand us.”  As we enter into a time of year where traditional events, activities, gatherings, food, and songs surround us, may we all be touched with warm and happy memories, connected with dear family and friends, and expanded by the messages, lessons, and  thoughts that arise from the participation in or reflection of the tradition.

GETTING “REAL” WITH CHANGE

For the past two weeks, this blog has been exploring the parallels with the transitions of change and The Velveteen Rabbit. This week, we are going to focus on specific strategies to help with the three stages of transition: ending something, roaming the wilderness, and new beginnings/vision.

All change begins with an ending. Why is ending something important when dealing with change? To get what one wants, one must give up what is. Giving up what is (whether willingly or unexpectedly) means the loss of something: loss of familiar routines, loss of a familiar way of doing something, loss of a relationship, loss of a comfort zone, perhaps even loss of control, space, power, social/role identity, or influence. It is important to accept this sense of loss and the emotions felt because of the loss: anger, resentment, sadness, and resistance. In order to be able to fully let go and embrace what the change brings, the acceptance of the loss, of the end of the current, is vital. 

How do you develop the ability to accept the end of something?

Acknowledge the loss. Talk about the loss with others. Talk about what the loss means. Communicate the feelings the loss is generating.

Grieve for what has been lost or what has been let go. While everyone grieves differently and more like a roller coaster than in discreet stages, the stages in the Kubler-Ross model are a helpful guide. Those stages are: denial, anger bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Use rituals to help overcome the loss. A commonly used ritual is a party: birthday, retirement, farewell, New Year’s Eve, wedding showers, bachelor parties, funeral wakes.

Ask questions: who, what, when, how, why. Who will be affected by this? What is going to happen? When is it going to happen? How will all this happen? Why is it going to happen?

Remember, to get what you want, you must give up what is.  In order to be able to fully let go and embrace what the change brings, the acceptance of the loss, of the end of the current, is vital.  You need to let go of the past in order to accept change and adjust to life so that you can remain optimistic and create the future you want.  As Louise Smith said, “You can’t reach for anything new if your hands are full of yesterday’s junk.” 

The second stage of transition is roaming the wilderness. The wilderness is a place where the old and the new overlap. In the wilderness, there is a lot of confusion with new sights, sounds, and experiences. The rules that were followed in our former environment no longer apply, yet new rules for this new environment, this “wilderness,” have not yet been established. There is often a fear of the unknown in the new, the changed environment. There may also be a sense of excitement that sometimes does accompany something new. It is out of all of these experiences that new ideas, new discoveries, reorientations and creativity take center stage and help propel us toward something we might be able to accept, something that makes sense out of the change, something that will put us on the path to our becoming “real” within our new reality.

But, how can one “roam the wilderness” safely?   How does one develop this skill?

Experiment with the ideas that come to the surface. Use trial and error in deciding what to do, what direction in which to go, who to see.

Reward and reinforce. After trying something, whether it is a success or a failure, give the thumbs up or words of encouragement. Treating oneself or others to something is a nice acknowledgement of the efforts. Giving out something that is symbolic of whatever was tried provides a reward as well as a visual reminder of the effort.

Be patient.   Give others and oneself time to work through the thoughts, ideas, and suggestions. Periodically step back and evaluate all that has been going on while roaming the wilderness.

Talk, talk, and talk some more. Talk about feelings, fears, frustrations, anxieties, and ideas.

Be observant. Watch for “footprints in the snow” or those signs of how things are evolving. Capitalize on the moments of creativity.

Set short-term goals. Where do things need to be in a day? A week? At the end of the month? What should things look like in a day, week, or month?

The third and final stage of transition is the new beginning. It is here that everything comes together. The old or former merges with the ideas from the wilderness and becomes transformed into a new identity, understanding, value, or attitude. After negotiating the wilderness, we do need direction so that we can be successful in our new beginning. Vision provides this direction. Vision is the image of what we want the future to look like. The vision provides purpose and meaning and in doing so, gives hope, enthusiasm, importance, and inspiration to what we want to accomplish or what we want to be.

What can we do to develop further develop the skill of handling “new beginnings;” this strategy of vision?

Articulate the vision. I like to ask workshop participants what their idea of a perfect day is. Many have to really stop and think before they can answer. If one doesn’t know what their perfect day looks like, how will it ever be recognized or appreciated when it arrives? It is the same with vision. The vision, the direction, the goal must be clear and identifiable and one must be able to talk about it, share what it is with others.

Develop a plan to reach the vision. Write down, step-by-step, how the vision can be achieved.

Implement the plan of action. Get involved and stay involved. Provide incentives as needed.

Celebrate successes when milestones have been reached in the plan’s implementation. Do something that has meaning and that will feel like a reward.

Just as the Velveteen Rabbit allowed himself to experience all three stages of the transition of change and just as he was able to achieve his vision, his goal of becoming REAL, so can we when change enters our lives. If we remember to embrace the change and accept the ending it has brought; if we remember to allow ourselves to experience much, to talk to wise and sensible people, and to seek the magic in things and people while we roam the wilderness; and if we remember to have a vision of what we want, we will be able to move to a new beginning.

When change moves us out of our comfort zone and we struggle with where we are going, it is important to have a dream, a vision of what we think we want. While roaming the wilderness or the neutral zone, we need to allow ourselves to experience much, to talk to wise and sensible people, to seek the magic in things and people. Given time, we will emerge from the wilderness, ready to move in the direction of our vision, our goal; our dream. And, we can do so with hope, enthusiasm, and inspiration.

Remember the Skin Horse’s advice to the Velveteen Rabbit: “Real isn’t how you are made. It’s a thing that happens to you. … It doesn’t happen all at once. You become. It takes a long time.” Give yourself time when change rocks your world. Your “real” will happen in due time.

THE POWER OF GOODBYE IN DEALING WITH CHANGE

On October 18, after 51 years in the priesthood and 14 different parish assignments, Father Eugene bid our parish, where he served for over 20 years, “goodbye.” It would be his last parish goodbye since he was retiring.  His homily focused on his goodbye. He spoke of how painful it is leaving friends, how departures break up old associations, and the range of emotions associated with leaving his world of the past 20-some years. (In this, he described feelings that make change difficult.)

He also spoke how in times of change, we need the support of our friends and the importance of continuing in our paths. As I reflected on his words and the brief discussion I had with him afterward, I realized the importance of saying goodbye in situations like his; the importance of saying goodbye when we are undergoing major or seismic change.

Goodbye is a conventional expression used at parting. It is a ritual, something done in a particular situation and usually in the same manner each time. Saying goodbye is a routine that has meaning. With Father Eugene’s use of the ritual of saying goodbye with his change, he helped himself and every parishioner move on emotionally. His goodbye helped lessen the pain we were all feeling over his departure. It helped strengthen the connection, the bond we all felt with him.

It is important for us to remember that all change begins with an ending; with some sort of loss. (In our parish, Father Eugene’s time as our priest ended; we lost him and his style of running the parish.) Ending something is important when dealing with change. To get what one wants, one must give up what is. To retire, Father Eugene had to give his active role as a parish priest. I recently relocated from southwest Pennsylvania to the south central part of the state. In relocating to this new community, living in my former house and neighborhood ended. Each of these examples came with a loss: loss of familiar routines, loss of a familiar way of doing something, loss of relationships, loss of a comfort zone, perhaps even loss of control, space, power, social/role identity, or influence. It is important to accept this sense of loss and any emotions felt because of the loss.  In order to be able to fully let go and embrace what the change brings, the acceptance of the loss, of the end of the current, is vital. Saying goodbye was a key factor in both of these examples to help Father Eugene, the parishioners, and me deal with the change.

Saying goodbye is an important strategy when dealing with change because it:

Helps lessen pain. Just the action of saying goodbye is cathartic. Many goodbyes are accompanied by hugs which always seem to help no matter what the situation.

Strengthens connections with friends and family. Dr. Samuel Mahaffy in a blog post on “Lingering in Relational Presence: The Value of a Good ‘Good-by” says, “Good good-byes are relationship affirming. They say ‘yes’ to that which endures and grows when we are apart. By saying a good good-bye we affirm relational presence in our absence from each other. Just as being present to each other is an art, so is saying good-bye well.”

Provides a sense of closure. It does help with identifying the need to let go and move on, especially if we are to grow. (I love to vacation at the ocean and after our time is up, I have always said goodbye to the ocean and goodbye to the house. Doing this definitely helped bring closure to the vacation and prepped the way for me moving back into the reality of work and home life.)

Shows that we valued something or someone. The care, concern, and role the person(s) or item(s) had in our life is acknowledged when we say farewell.

Signifies the start of something new; something different. While we may not have asked for the new or the different, if we can look at what is coming as an adventure, it may help us get excited about the next phase of our life.

What is “neat” about goodbyes is that they are almost always followed by new and different hellos. The newness in our life, while different, can be as exciting and rewarding as what we said goodbye to. As I mentioned above, I recently relocated from southwest Pennsylvania to the south central part of the state. There were many goodbyes in my former locale, but there have been several hellos in my new locale. There is a sense of excitement as I explore this new area now called home. The sense of wonder in all of the new definitely helps deal with the loss of the old/former.   The next time change enters your life, remember to use saying goodbye as a means to help you move on.

 

TO GET WHAT ONE WANTS, ONE MUST GIVE UP WHAT IS

This is the time of year where college and high school (as well as preschool, kindergarten, and eighth grade) graduations are upon us. Graduation marks a time of change, and all change begins with an ending; with some sort of loss. When one graduates, attending classes, following a schedule, listening to teachers (all of this done in a familiar building or on a campus one has called home for several years) ends. And while most look forward to their graduation (especially high school seniors), this rite of passage can also cause anxiety, uncertainty, uneasiness, fear. These ‘unpleasant feelings’ are often generated by the movement out of one’s comfort zone.

Our comfort zone is like a child’s security blanket; we feel safe and secure when “wrapped” in the zone. Many become unsettled or fear change because of the unknown. We don’t know what is coming. We feel safe with predictability, sureness, and the routine. Change is like opening a door and not having any idea of what is on the other side; we step into the unknown. We lose that comfortable routine, that comfort zone, and that is scary and frightening.

As I write this, I am reminded of the movie The Bells of St. Mary’s. Father O’Malley is the designated of St. Mary’s church. Very new to his role, he is approached by a desperate woman, who begs him to allow her daughter, Patsy, to attend the school. The woman, full of self-recrimination, relates the sad story of how her husband, a musician named Joe Gallagher, deserted her soon after the birth of their child and how she has had to depend on the generosity of men to support her young daughter. Sympathetic, Father O’Malley agrees to care for the troubled Patsy.

Patsy Gallagher

One day, O’Malley visits Patsy’s mother with news that he has located her husband, who is now anxiously waiting to meet her in the hallway. Mrs. Gallagher runs into the hall, and the couple is reunited after being separated for many years. At the same time, Patsy, excited at the thought of her upcoming graduation, goes to visit her mother to show off her commencement dress. Spotting her mother speaking to Gallagher, Patsy believes that he is one of her mother’s clients and flees the building. Patsy fails her exams and returns her graduation dress.

Soon after, Sister Benedict becomes ill and is notified by Father O’Malley that she is being transferred. On the heels of this announcement, the girls prepare for their commencement ceremony as Patsy watches longingly in the distance. Upon seeing her mother and her male escort enter the schoolyard, she ducks behind a post to hide, and when Sister Benedict observes her actions, she realizes that Patsy never told her mother that she has failed. Anguished, Patsy asks for the nun’s help and admits that she deliberately failed so that she could remain at the school. The school was Patsy’s comfort zone; a place where she felt safe and secure. Not wanting to return to her former home life and all the unknowns with it, Patsy fails her exams so she doesn’t have to graduate; so she can stay safe and sound at St. Mary’s with Sister Benedict. (See the end of the post for the rest of Patsy’s story.)

Why is ending something important when dealing with change? To get what one wants, one must give up what is. Patsy had to give up St. Mary’s and Sister Benedict to return to a life with her mother and father. In relocating to a new community, living in one’s house and neighborhood ends. In divorce, a relationship ends. When computers entered the scene, use of typewriters went by the wayside. In a job promotion, the familiar job ends. Each of these examples came with a loss: loss of familiar routines, loss of a familiar way of doing something, loss of a relationship, loss of a comfort zone, perhaps even loss of control, space, power, social/role identity, or influence. It is important to accept this sense of loss and the emotions felt because of the loss: anger, resentment, sadness, and resistance. In order to be able to fully let go and embrace what the change brings, the acceptance of the loss, of the end of the current, is vital.

 How do you develop the ability to accept the end of something?

1. Acknowledge the loss. Talk about the loss with others. Talk about what the loss means. Communicate the feelings the loss is generating.
2. Grieve for what has been lost or what has been let go. While everyone grieves differently and more like a roller coaster than in discreet stages, the stages in the Kübler-Ross model are a helpful guide. Those stages are: denial, anger bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
3. Use rituals to help overcome the loss. A commonly used ritual is a party: birthday, retirement, farewell, New Year’s Eve, wedding showers, bachelor parties, funeral wakes.
4. Ask questions: who, what, when, how, why. Who will be affected by this? What is going to happen? When is it going to happen? How will all this happen? Why is it going to happen?

So, remember, the next time you encounter change and are having a difficult time dealing with it, ask yourself if what is changing is causing you to bring an end to something. If so, reflect on what is ending and why that is difficult to accept. Use the four techniques above to help you deal with what has ended and to help propel you beyond your comfort zone. Change is not easy, and the thought of ending something might make the change that much more difficult. But, remember, to get one you want, you must give up what is.

(And now, the rest of Patsy’s story: When O’Malley introduces Patsy’s parents to Sister Benedict, Patsy is dumbfounded to learn that the stranger is actually her father. After Mrs. Gallagher promises Patsy a real home and a new life, O’Malley remarks that the couple has come to watch their daughter graduate. Finally comprehending the enormous handicap under which Patsy has suffered, Sister Benedict relents and allows the girl to graduate.)