GETTING “REAL” WITH CHANGE

For the past two weeks, this blog has been exploring the parallels with the transitions of change and The Velveteen Rabbit. This week, we are going to focus on specific strategies to help with the three stages of transition: ending something, roaming the wilderness, and new beginnings/vision.

All change begins with an ending. Why is ending something important when dealing with change? To get what one wants, one must give up what is. Giving up what is (whether willingly or unexpectedly) means the loss of something: loss of familiar routines, loss of a familiar way of doing something, loss of a relationship, loss of a comfort zone, perhaps even loss of control, space, power, social/role identity, or influence. It is important to accept this sense of loss and the emotions felt because of the loss: anger, resentment, sadness, and resistance. In order to be able to fully let go and embrace what the change brings, the acceptance of the loss, of the end of the current, is vital. 

How do you develop the ability to accept the end of something?

Acknowledge the loss. Talk about the loss with others. Talk about what the loss means. Communicate the feelings the loss is generating.

Grieve for what has been lost or what has been let go. While everyone grieves differently and more like a roller coaster than in discreet stages, the stages in the Kubler-Ross model are a helpful guide. Those stages are: denial, anger bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Use rituals to help overcome the loss. A commonly used ritual is a party: birthday, retirement, farewell, New Year’s Eve, wedding showers, bachelor parties, funeral wakes.

Ask questions: who, what, when, how, why. Who will be affected by this? What is going to happen? When is it going to happen? How will all this happen? Why is it going to happen?

Remember, to get what you want, you must give up what is.  In order to be able to fully let go and embrace what the change brings, the acceptance of the loss, of the end of the current, is vital.  You need to let go of the past in order to accept change and adjust to life so that you can remain optimistic and create the future you want.  As Louise Smith said, “You can’t reach for anything new if your hands are full of yesterday’s junk.” 

The second stage of transition is roaming the wilderness. The wilderness is a place where the old and the new overlap. In the wilderness, there is a lot of confusion with new sights, sounds, and experiences. The rules that were followed in our former environment no longer apply, yet new rules for this new environment, this “wilderness,” have not yet been established. There is often a fear of the unknown in the new, the changed environment. There may also be a sense of excitement that sometimes does accompany something new. It is out of all of these experiences that new ideas, new discoveries, reorientations and creativity take center stage and help propel us toward something we might be able to accept, something that makes sense out of the change, something that will put us on the path to our becoming “real” within our new reality.

But, how can one “roam the wilderness” safely?   How does one develop this skill?

Experiment with the ideas that come to the surface. Use trial and error in deciding what to do, what direction in which to go, who to see.

Reward and reinforce. After trying something, whether it is a success or a failure, give the thumbs up or words of encouragement. Treating oneself or others to something is a nice acknowledgement of the efforts. Giving out something that is symbolic of whatever was tried provides a reward as well as a visual reminder of the effort.

Be patient.   Give others and oneself time to work through the thoughts, ideas, and suggestions. Periodically step back and evaluate all that has been going on while roaming the wilderness.

Talk, talk, and talk some more. Talk about feelings, fears, frustrations, anxieties, and ideas.

Be observant. Watch for “footprints in the snow” or those signs of how things are evolving. Capitalize on the moments of creativity.

Set short-term goals. Where do things need to be in a day? A week? At the end of the month? What should things look like in a day, week, or month?

The third and final stage of transition is the new beginning. It is here that everything comes together. The old or former merges with the ideas from the wilderness and becomes transformed into a new identity, understanding, value, or attitude. After negotiating the wilderness, we do need direction so that we can be successful in our new beginning. Vision provides this direction. Vision is the image of what we want the future to look like. The vision provides purpose and meaning and in doing so, gives hope, enthusiasm, importance, and inspiration to what we want to accomplish or what we want to be.

What can we do to develop further develop the skill of handling “new beginnings;” this strategy of vision?

Articulate the vision. I like to ask workshop participants what their idea of a perfect day is. Many have to really stop and think before they can answer. If one doesn’t know what their perfect day looks like, how will it ever be recognized or appreciated when it arrives? It is the same with vision. The vision, the direction, the goal must be clear and identifiable and one must be able to talk about it, share what it is with others.

Develop a plan to reach the vision. Write down, step-by-step, how the vision can be achieved.

Implement the plan of action. Get involved and stay involved. Provide incentives as needed.

Celebrate successes when milestones have been reached in the plan’s implementation. Do something that has meaning and that will feel like a reward.

Just as the Velveteen Rabbit allowed himself to experience all three stages of the transition of change and just as he was able to achieve his vision, his goal of becoming REAL, so can we when change enters our lives. If we remember to embrace the change and accept the ending it has brought; if we remember to allow ourselves to experience much, to talk to wise and sensible people, and to seek the magic in things and people while we roam the wilderness; and if we remember to have a vision of what we want, we will be able to move to a new beginning.

When change moves us out of our comfort zone and we struggle with where we are going, it is important to have a dream, a vision of what we think we want. While roaming the wilderness or the neutral zone, we need to allow ourselves to experience much, to talk to wise and sensible people, to seek the magic in things and people. Given time, we will emerge from the wilderness, ready to move in the direction of our vision, our goal; our dream. And, we can do so with hope, enthusiasm, and inspiration.

Remember the Skin Horse’s advice to the Velveteen Rabbit: “Real isn’t how you are made. It’s a thing that happens to you. … It doesn’t happen all at once. You become. It takes a long time.” Give yourself time when change rocks your world. Your “real” will happen in due time.

PARALLELS WITH THE TRANSITIONS OF CHANGE AND THE VELVETEEN RABBIT: PART 1

Dusting my bookshelves last week, the book THE VELVETEEN RABBIT (a 1922 children’s story by Margery Williams) “jumped” off the shelf and landed on the floor. I picked the book up and promptly forgot about my dusting and began to reread the book. In rereading the book, I began to see many parallels between the transitions we experience on our journey of change with those of the Velveteen Rabbit and his journey of change; of becoming “real.”

William Bridges, a noted leader in the field of managing change, makes a distinction between change and transition. According to him, change is what happens to you; it is situational. Transition, however, is what you experience as you internalize and come to terms with the details of the new situation that comes with the change. There are three stages to all transitions: ending something, roaming the wilderness (or what William Bridges calls the “neutral zone”), and our vision (or what Bridges calls our “new beginning”). This week, let’s begin to explore these three stages using the Velveteen Rabbit’s journey as our model.

All change begins with an ending; with some sort of loss. “There was once a velveteen rabbit, and in the beginning he was really splendid. He was fat and bunchy, as a rabbit should be; his coat was spotted brown and white, he had real thread whiskers, and his ears were lined with pink sateen. On Christmas morning, when he sat wedged in the top of the Boy’s stocking, with a spring of holly between his paws, the effect was charming.” The story goes on to say how the Boy played with the rabbit (“for at least two hours”) until relatives came and with new presents to open, the Velveteen Rabbit was forgotten and put away in the toy cupboard. For the Velveteen Rabbit, his role as a favorite toy ended. He experienced many losses – being held and revered; being loved and made to feel important and needed. He lost his comfort zone; the safety and security he felt when he was with the Boy.

We go through similar emotions when change enters our life. Our routines, life as we had been living it, become different. We enter into our own version of the toy cupboard where we may feel neglected, invisible, and lost. We may no longer feel as loved, as important, as needed. The loss of what was becomes very apparent. Our comfort zone gets rocked and the safety and security we felt is no longer the same.

As with the Velveteen Rabbit, time in the ‘cupboard’ becomes our wilderness, our neutral zone. The wilderness is a place where the old and the new overlap.  I liken this wilderness to what the early pioneers felt when they ventured beyond their “comfort zone.” For them, there was a lot of confusion with new sights, sounds, and experiences. The rules they followed in their former place no longer applied, yet new rules for this new territory, this “wilderness,” had not yet been established. The further they got on their journey, they could no longer see where they came from and they couldn’t see exactly where they were going. At times there was probably a sense of feeling lost and at other times these pioneers had to gain a new sense of direction. There had to be much fear of the unknown in the new, the changed environment.

In the toy cupboard, the Rabbit was made “to feel himself very insignificant and commonplace, and the only person who was kind to him at all was the Skin Horse.” It is to the Skin Horse that the Rabbit asks, “What is REAL?”  After change, it is common to look around the new “surroundings” and ask, as the Rabbit did, “What is real?” What is reality now?

Just as the Rabbit questioned himself in the toy cupboard (the wilderness), so do we when we begin to “roam the wilderness.” Who am I? What purpose do I now serve? What comes next? What is real? What is my new reality? All these questions are not uncommon when we spend time in the wilderness. We question ourselves. We question what happened. We question the next steps.

The Velveteen Rabbit had a “touchstone” in the toy cupboard – a friend – the Skin Horse. The Skin Horse was experienced and sensible, much like many of our friends and family. We all need “touchstones” – friends, family – to help us when we find ourselves roaming the wilderness.   If we seek out those that are experienced and sensible, they might provide us with sound advice and guidance just as the Skin Horse did for the Rabbit.

When the Rabbit asked the Skin Horse what was real, he wondered if being real was how one was made (“Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”). The Skin Horse replies, “Real isn’t how you are made. It’s a thing that happens to you.” The same is true for us when we seek to find what our new reality will be.   The new reality will be a thing that “happens” to us.

The Rabbit continues to question the Skin Horse about how one becomes real. Among other things, Skin Horse tells him, “It doesn’t happen all at once. You become. It takes a long time.” Indeed, it may take a long time for us to discover who we really are and what we are to do in our new reality. Time in the wilderness helps us explore options in the new reality.

While in the wilderness, we may become excited or overwhelmed by the options; by the new possibilities. We may experience confusion. We may experience fear. Check out next week’s post to find out how the Velveteen Rabbit dealt with his time roaming the wilderness and what his new beginning looked like.

‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE A CHANGE

(A special blog post done with due respect to Clement C. Moore and Major Henry Livingston Jr.)

 

‘Twas the night before a change, when all through my mind,

So many thoughts were stirring of the unsettling kind;

Fear, doubt, and uncertainty began to take hold,

Life outside my comfort zone was about to unfold.

 

I had been nestled all snug in my bed,    

When visions of ‘what might be’ danced in my head;

The scary unknown, my confidence it did snap,

My comfy routine this change would just zap.

 

When all of a sudden I heard all this chatter,   

Not sure what it meant; did it even matter?

I crept to the window, nothing near to a dash,

So nervous was I all my teeth they did gnash.

 

Outside was ablaze in a warm golden glow

The sight of which caused my unsettling thoughts to slow.

What could create this moment of less fear?

Bringing to me a glimpse of good cheer.

 

 

The path of change had been like a slippery slope, 

But that warm golden glow, it filled me with much HOPE.

Slowly, very slowly calm thoughts I did reclaim,

As HOPE sprang eternal and did thus proclaim:

 

 

“Now, THINK! Now LAUGH! Now DREAM and PERSIST!  

Be POSITIVE! Be RESILIENT! And nay-sayers do RESIST!

To the top of your mind! Through every fiber of your being!

Doing these things will make those unsettling thoughts go a fleeing!”

 

 

 

 

 

This journey called life is no piece of cake, 

But what is given to you, the best you must make,

Change will always happen; that is a given,

But it is by HOPE that you must always be driven.

 

 

 

HOPE that when change brings an end to something you love, 

You let go, grieve, accept, move on and rise above.

Roam that wilderness of new, of uncertainty, and doubt;

‘Cause new ideas and discoveries will soon start to sprout.

 

 

 

HOPE that what appears to be the end isn’t that at all,

But really a new beginning giving you a call;

And your vision of how you want things to be,

Provides purpose and meaning; more clearly you’ll see.

 

 

 

 

 

HOPE that by thinking in a creative, divergent way, 

You can cope with all the newness that has entered the fray.

With change, the same as before may not work;

So a new style of thinking may be a perk.

 

 

 

 

 

 

HOPE that risk taking gives your courage a boost,

Thoughts of nothing ventured, nothing gained rule the roost;

Mistakes you won’t fear, but from them you’ll learn,

Opportunities they bring; gifts you don’t return.

 

 

 

HOPE that your mindset is flexible and free,

So all options before you, you can see;

Sure, change is different but nothing to fear or dread,

“I can do this” thoughts need to reverberate in your head;

 

 

HOPE that being positive keeps the negative at bay,

Making it easier to deal with whatever comes your way,

Filling you with energy, drive, and desire,

Dealing with any change like a live wire;

 

 

 

 

 

HOPE puts fear, doubt, uncertainty in their place,

Allowing you to face this change with much grace;

In that warm glow of HOPE myself I did enfold,

Knowing in days to come by change I won’t be controlled!

 

May whatever 2016 brings your way, may you always hold HOPE close in your heart. For as Desmond Tutu said, “Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.”