WE ALL HAVE VALUE

Our self-worth is one of our greatest gifts.  When we believe in ourselves, we are willing to try new things, change direction should we need to, and take action on things we face on our life journey.  We are happier and more content, more motivated, and more successful in what we do. When we believe in ourselves, our value remains intact and anything is possible! 

The following story of The Old Man and the Watch is a great reminder of self-worth and not selling ourselves short:

There was an old, wise man who grew sicker by the day. He felt that his journey on Earth was about to come to an end. However, his son was still a young man and had yet to reach his full potential. And so the father took it upon himself to teach his son the ways of the world before death came knocking.

One morning, the old man called for the young man and handed him a watch. The watch was a family heirloom that had been passed down for generations. The boy had never seen it before so he didn’t quite know what to make of it.

“What am I supposed to do with this watch, father?” asked the boy.

“I want you to go to town and take the watch to the jeweler. Show him the watch and ask him how much it’s worth. But don’t accept any offer. Instead, come back home with the watch.”

The boy did as he was instructed. He marched into town to hear what the jeweler had to say. After the watch was appraised, the boy went back home to his father.

“So, what happened? How much money did the jeweler offer for the watch?”

His son, looking defeated, spoke while scratching his head — “I don’t know, father. I tried haggling with the jeweler but in the end, he didn’t offer much. He said it was only worth $100 because it’s so old.”

The father was nodding his head, seemingly in agreement with the jeweler’s assessment.

His son continued, “The jeweler said he was taking a gamble on buying the watch and that he’d have a hard time finding a buyer. And if I’m being honest, I kind of agree with him. I don’t think this watch is anything special.”

“Okay,” the father said. “Now take the watch to the pawnshop. See how much you can get for the watch.”

His son replied, “What do you hope to sell it for? I don’t think the pawnshop is going to make you a better offer than the jeweler.”

“Just humor me, son. Your best friend owns a pawnshop, right? Don’t you think he’ll give you a fair offer?”

In his mind, the boy disagreed. But he didn’t want to argue with his ailing father so he did the job anyway. He even went above and beyond and went to see two friends who were both working in pawnshops. However, he still went home looking defeated.

“Father, I went to a couple of friends who work in pawnshops. But they both gave me worse offers. The best I got was $20. They told me that the watch had problems. There were scratches that even I didn’t notice after carrying it with me all day.”

The father, yet again, nodded in agreement.

“So what do you want me to do? Should I go back to the jeweler? After all, he is willing to pay more money.”

“No,” said the old man. “I want you to go to the museum. There’s a woman there that I want you to talk to. I sense that this person will have a better idea of what this watch is really worth.”

His son, now starting to get annoyed by all this back-and-forth, reluctantly agreed to walk all the way to the museum to look for his father’s friend. “What is this person hoping to say about this watch that I haven’t heard already?” he said to himself.

After talking to the museum lady, he suddenly went out the door and ran back home to tell his old man the good news. Night had finally set in by the time he got home.

“You won’t believe it! My trip was a success. We finally got an amazing offer.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah, the lady said that this watch is one of a kind. She said she never thought she’d see one in person. She said the museum would like to buy it from us so that they can put it on display.”

The old man, with a grin on his face, asked — “So how much did she say it was worth?”

“$35,000! I hadn’t realized I was holding on to something that valuable. With that much money, our family can really enjoy life. To think the jeweler and the pawnshops I visited had it so wrong. Should we sell it?”

“I’m glad for you, son,” said his dad. “You can do what you want with that watch after I’m dead. What’s more important to me right now is that you learned something about value and self-worth.”

“What do you mean?” asked his son.

“You see—just like that watch—you too have value. And if you go to the wrong places, you’ll never know just how much value you have. Even your own friends can get it wrong. But there’s always a place you can go to where everyone will see your real value. That’s the lesson I’m trying to teach you.”

The son was wondering about the point of doing all this. But upon hearing his father’s explanation, he had a newfound respect for the guy.

His father continued, “One day you’ll have a family of your own. You’ll have your own kids — maybe you’ll get lucky and have a daughter like you always wanted. To ensure their happiness, you’ll have to teach them the same things that I’m teaching you right now.”

The old man’s son learned a lot that night. Their family may not be rich, but that didn’t matter. His father’s words were far more valuable than the watch he spent all day getting appraised.

Indeed.  Self-worth is important.  It is the opinion we have about and the value we place upon ourselves.  Self-worth begins with liking who we are. Liking who we are means that we:

• display a confidence in and have a clear understanding of our self and our abilities
• are comfortable ‘in our own skin’
• embrace our strengths and unique abilities
• recognize our weaknesses (and either accept them or work to shore them up)
• commit to our self
• accept who we are and move on from there
• do not worry about what others think of us
• are in charge of our thoughts

Many of us may struggle with liking who we are; with our self-worth.  After all, today’s society is one of comparisons, so it is easy to see if we don’t feel our best how we might not see ourselves in the best of terms.  When the stock in ourselves begins to drop, to give our self-worth a boost, we can:

• Accept and love who we are.
• Avoid comparisons with others.
• Be kind to ourselves (complimentary and rewarding).
• Be supportive of ourselves.
• Treat ourselves with dignity and respect.
• Practice positive self-talk (positive affirmations helps with this).
• Challenge our inner critic.
• Take charge of our feelings.
• Act in a positive way.
• Practice positive self-talk (positive affirmations helps with this).
• Picture the self we want to be and doing things to make that picture a reality.
• Set small goals and achieving them (accomplishment builds confidence).
• Prepare for what we want to be/do (increasing and improving skills).
• Respond rather than react.
• Be fearless (rather than fear mistakes, we need to see them as learning opportunities and things to change to become better at something).
• Concentrate on successes and moving on from failures.
• Share our talents with others.

Remember, when we believe in ourselves, as we travel along our life journey we will be happier, more content, more motivated, and maybe even more successful.  Self-worth is a confidence booster that can carry take us far in our journey.  Glenn Beck (author and radio host) tells us, “Sometimes the hardest part of the journey is believing you’re worthy of the trip.”  We are all worthy of the trip.  We all need to think like the story’s museum lady’s assessment of the watch really seeing ourselves as “one of a kind” and moving full steam ahead making the most of our strengths and our talents.  It’ll make all the difference in the world.

WE ALL HAVE SOMETHING SPECIAL TO OFFER

Have you ever hit a rough patch on your life journey and felt beaten up by life?  Felt like life dealt you a bad hand?  I think we all have had times in our life when something not-so-good has happened or we made a choice we regretted.  And, how do we feel afterwards?  Maybe pretty rotten and down on ourselves.  The following story may help us begin to look differently at those situations that have us getting down on ourselves.

A well-respected speaker began a seminar by showing an audience of 150 people a crisp $20 bill. He asked, “Who wants this $20 bill?”  All 150 people nodded.

He said, “I am going to give this money to someone, but first….” Then he proceeded to crumple the bill up. He asked the crowd again if anyone wanted it.  All 150 hands went up in the air.

The speaker then dropped the money on the floor and stomped all over it. He then raised it in the air to show the crowd. The money was filthy. “Does anyone want it now?” Every hand went up.  

The speaker proceeded to tell the crowd that no matter what he did to ruin the money people still wanted it because its value remained the same. It was still worth $20.

The moral of the story:  Life often beats us up to the point where we feel inadequate. We deal with bad circumstances and make bad choices that we have to deal with later. However, no matter what we go through, our value will remain the same. We have something special to offer that no one can take away from us.

Indeed.  Just the worth of the $20 bill didn’t diminish despite being crumpled and stomped, the same holds for us no matter what we go through.  Our value will remain the same.  We must never lose sight of that.  When something happens that makes us feel inadequate, we often shift our focus to the negative and begin to diminish ourselves, who we are, and what we can do. 

Self-worth is important.  It is the opinion we have about and the value we place upon ourselves.   Self-worth begins with liking who we are. Liking who we are means that we:

• Display a confidence in and have a clear understanding of our self and our abilities.
• Are comfortable ‘in our own skin.’
• Embrace our strengths and unique abilities.
• Recognize our weaknesses (and either accept them or work to shore them up).
• Commit to our self.
• Accept who we are and move on from there.
• Do not worry about what others think of us.
• Are in charge of our thoughts.

Many of us may struggle with liking who we are; with our self-worth.  After all, today’s society is one of comparisons, so it is easy to see if we feel crumpled and stomped upon and don’t feel our best how we might not see ourselves in the best of terms.  When the stock in ourselves begins to drop, to give our self-worth a boost, we can:

• Accept and love who we are.
• Avoid comparisons with others.
• Be kind to ourselves (complimentary and rewarding).
• Be supportive of ourselves.
• Treat ourselves with dignity and respect.
• Practice positive self-talk (positive affirmations helps with this).
• Challenge our inner critic.
• Take charge of our feelings.
• Act in a positive way.
• Picture the self we want to be and do things to make that picture a reality.
• Set small goals and achieve them (accomplishment builds confidence).
• Prepare for what we want to be/do (increasing and improving skills).
• Respond rather than react.
• Be fearless (rather than fear mistakes, we need to see them as learning opportunities and things to change to become better at something).
• Concentrate on successes and move on from failures.
• Share our talents with others.

Jonathan Lockwood Huie (author and “philosopher of happiness”) says, “Every day I give thanks that I am me, and that everything that has ever occurred in my life happened exactly as it did – however unpleasant it may have appeared at the time.”  Yes, yes, yes.  We need to be thankful that we are who we are.  All of our life experiences, both positive and negative, help us to become who we are.   And we need to remember that, “We all have something to offer, and we must choose to focus on what we do have to offer, not what we don’t.”  (Miles Anthony Smith is the founder of Why Life Sucks, a lead generation/nurturing focused digital marketing company in which he coaches others to level up their digital marketing and leadership skills.)

Our self-worth is one of our greatest gifts.  When we believe in ourselves, we are willing to try new things, change direction should we need to, and take action on things we face on our life journey.  We are happier and more content, more motivated, and more successful in what we do. When we believe in ourselves, our self-worth remains intact and anything is possible! 

LIKING WHO WE ARE

Football is my favorite spectator sport and having been born and raised near Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania USA, the Pittsburgh Steelers are my favorite professional team. Terry Bradshaw was the quarterback for the Steelers for 14 seasons (1970-1983). In the January 17, 2021 edition of Parade Magazine, I read an article, Football & Family, which featured an interview with Bradshaw. His answer to the question, “What would you say is the secret to a happy life?” caught my attention.  He responded, “I think it’s important that we like who we are. At the end of the day, I want to say I’m proud of me. I like the way I handled this, I like the way I handled that, I learned from this and I’ve tried to take as much bad and turn it into good.”

I agree with Bradshaw. Liking who we are is being who we are and being that well (paraphrased from St. Francis de Sales, late 16^th/early 17^th century Bishop of Geneva and author). Liking who we are means that we:

• Display a confidence in and have a clear understanding of our self and our abilities.
• Have a strong self-worth.
• Are comfortable ‘in our own skin.’
• Embrace our strengths and unique abilities.
• Recognize our weaknesses (and either accept them or work to strengthen them).
• Commit to our self.
• Accept who we are and move on from there.
• Do not worry about what others think of us.
• Are in charge of our thoughts.

Most of us struggle with liking who we are. Today’s society is one of comparisons, so it is easy to fall into the trap of trying to be an imitation of someone else. Let’s explore some things we can do to like who we are.  We can:

• Picture the self we want to be and doing things to make that picture a reality.
• Set small goals and achieve them (accomplishment builds confidence).
• Prepare for what we want to be/do (increasing and improving skills).
• Respond rather than react.
• Be fearless (rather than fear mistakes, we need to see them as learning opportunities and things to change to become better at something).
• Concentrate on successes and move on from failures.
• Take charge of our feelings.
• Challenge our inner critic.
• Practice positive self-talk (positive affirmations can help with this).
• Act in a positive way.
• Being kind to ourselves (complimentary and rewarding).
• Share our talents with others.
• Avoid comparisons with others.

If we work on liking who we are, we can reap benefits such as:

• Success in what we do.
• Happiness and enjoyment in and with life.
• Strength and energy to deal with life’s challenges.
• Less doubt and more contentment and peace of mind.
• Increased self-esteem.
• A sense of being fearless.
• More positive life interactions (socially, mentally, physically…)
• Better sense of control and direction.
• A resolve to stand up for ourselves.
• Motivation to want to do more and to do better.

Jonathan Lockwood Huie (author and “philosopher of happiness”) says, “Every day I give thanks that I am me, and that everything that has ever occurred in my life happened exactly as it did – however unpleasant it may have appeared at the time.”  Yes, yes, yes.  We need to be thankful that we are who we are.  All of our life experiences, both positive and negative, help us to become who we are.  (As Bradshaw said, “I like the way I handled this, I like the way I handled that, I learned from this and I’ve tried to take as much bad and turn it into good.”)

Liking who we are is one of our greatest gifts.  When we believe in ourselves, we are willing to try new things, change direction should we need to, and take action on things we face on our life journey.   When we believe in ourselves, anything is possible!  So following the advice of author Mandy McCarty Harris, we need to, “Be quirky.  Be kind.  Be happy.  Be you.”  Indeed.  Bradshaw has it right.  To have a happy life, we need to be happy with who we are.

THINGS TO DO WHEN FEELING STUCK

This week, I want to talk about why the ability to keep moving forward is so important when dealing with change and transition. Have you ever felt so mired in something that you couldn’t move in any direction? Think about how frustrating it is when you are stuck in traffic and can’t move forward, backward or sideward. Not only can the inability to move be frustrating, but it can also be frightening.

Years ago, while on an adventure trip to a local lake that had been drained, my nephew and I both got stuck in the mud…literally. We were exploring the lake bed. My husband had warned us not to get too close to any wet, muddy spots. I was trailing my nephew to make sure he didn’t get into any kind of trouble. As it turned out, both he and I got stuck in the mud! (Not the stuff we had been warned about, but other stuff closer to the shore whose looks were deceiving.)

Oh my! Movement made things worse. It was like being in quicksand where any movement can make you sink a little further and further in the wrong direction. Anyway, while we weren’t sinking, we were unable to move. I think my nephew was too young to realize the danger we were in; it truly was an adventure to him. But, I was frightened.   Not being able to move or to make any progress in getting out of the mud was terrifying. (My husband eventually rescued us by extending a long branch that we grabbed on to and with which he pulled us from the mud.)

Sometimes it is the same with change. Some changes seem way too hard to deal with so we just give up; we quit; we just get “stuck in the mud.” It is easier to stay rooted in our comfort zone than to move out of it and deal with the change at hand. However, staying rooted does nothing to help us navigate the “changing environment.” We have to keep moving and keep moving forward; moving ahead and moving on.

I hear you asking, “But when the change seems too overwhelming and I do get “mired in the mud,” how do I even think about moving forward?”   Let’s take a look at some things to remember that might just help “release” you and get you moving forward when you are feeling stuck.

1. Acknowledge that you are stuck. When I was literally stuck in the mud, I was reluctant to admit it. I kept thinking if I just moved a certain way, I would be fine. Denial wasn’t serving me any purpose. Resisting only made things worse. Only when I realized that I was stuck was I able to think about options to get me out of my situation. Only when we acknowledge that we are stuck can we have the power to do something about it.
2. Ask for help. You are not alone. It may feel that way sometimes, but there are many people who would extend their hand and lift you up if asked. All you have to do is ask.
3. Know what you want. This isn’t about the how, only the what. In order to move forward in life, you need a firm foundation from which to step. Understanding what and where you want to go in life will provide your vision and spirit – your foundation. The how will figure itself out when you know you want to keep moving forward. Your feeling stuck may be a sign that you need to make some type of change in our life. And, being stuck is the invitation to that change. 
4. Focus. The mind must be clear on what it needs to focus. There are times when it is critical to focus on what is taking place at that time. Concentrate on what is most important or what appears to be the priority.
5. Trust. Everything happens for a reason. When you get hit hard and land on your back, look for the reasons and for the value in this. Open your heart and trust that this happened for a reason. Perhaps it was to test your determination or to alert you to the fact you were on the wrong path. Either way, trust that  the experience is happening for a reason and be open to making adjustments in order to keep moving forward.
6. Want it more. How badly do you want it? How badly do you really want to achieve what you are working so hard to accomplish? When you get hit hard, you have an opportunity to answer this question. It’s one thing to say you want to do something, or to be something. But to walk through the pain; to get up and keep moving forward knowing there may be more pain ahead, is a test of your determination and resolve. When you find yourself getting back on your feet, you have indeed answered this question and there’s no doubt you will keep moving forward.
7. Baby steps are OK. Don’t get overwhelmed if what you want to do or accomplish seems too big or seems like it will take too long. Marathons are made up of one step after another after another. It is fine to start with small steps. Those small steps will eventually get you to where to you want to be.  
8. Surround yourself with positive. Feeling stuck often comes with a lot of negative vibes. Remove those negative vibes from your life. Focus on the good, the positive and invite positive people into your inner circle.
9. Take 100% responsibility. Except in rare and unfortunate circumstances, you are responsible for the quality and condition of your life. Your career, your relationships and your happiness are all under your direct control. Sometimes we choose to do nothing when we get hit hard because it’s just easier and less painful that way. But the real pain is only deferred. You have to live with yourself. You have to live with the voice in your gut, your inner wisdom that says you gave up too soon or didn’t try hard enough. When you hear this inner voice speaking to you, it’s usually right. It’s your choice, then, to get up and keep moving forward.
10. Believe you are worthy. Whatever your goal, your dream, or your desire, you are worthy of achieving it. The closer you get to it is when the enemy of your soul will begin putting doubt in your mind by playing the self-limiting tapes that say you are not worthy. Replace these old tapes with a newer one that contains the truth – you are worthy to have your heart’s true desire and to keep moving forward. 
11. Forget regret. Leave your mistakes and regret in the past. They don’t define your value, then or now. When you stay in the past you become stuck and unable to move forward. We all have made mistakes with our job choices, friends and relationships. The consequences can hit us pretty hard. However, to begin learning how to put these experiences behind     us – by letting them go, we can begin to live in the here and now. Give yourself the gift of forgiveness and keep moving forward.
12. Learn from failure. Looking at a circumstance and figuring out what went wrong gives you some very important information. This review allows you to evaluate what worked and what didn’t, and more importantly, why. Often when you are removed from a situation, you can look at it more objectively which will allow you to make better choices to keep moving forward. 
13. Keep the Faith. Faith is a strong belief in something without proof or evidence At the end of the day when you are weary from all of the effort and energy you have expended and you are sore and tired from being ‘hit hard’ so many times, the one thing that tells you to keep going, to get up tomorrow and to keep moving forward, is your faith. Honor this and cherish it. Faith is what makes you human. It gives you energy and hope. And if you let it, your faith will deliver you to wherever you want to go in life. When it is meant to be, it will happen. 

As Denis Waitley said, “There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.”  When you feel stuck it means the existing conditions are no longer working for you. You need to do something about changing those conditions so you can keep moving and keep moving forward; moving ahead and moving on.

 

INVISIBLE BARRIERS

 

This week, I want to talk about how often, in the face of unexpected or unwanted change or in the face of challenges life presents us, we tend to give up too easily or tend to put up a “barrier” in our head when no real barrier exists.  The following story, Shark Bait (as presented by Eric Pfistner at https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/20140708133048-shark-bait) is a great illustration of invisible barriers.

“During a research experiment a marine biologist placed a shark into a large holding tank and then released several small bait fish into the tank.

As you would expect, the shark quickly swam around the tank, attacked and ate the smaller fish.

The marine biologist then inserted a strong piece of clear fiberglass into the tank, creating two separate partitions. She then put the shark on one side of the fiberglass and a new set of bait fish on the other.

Again, the shark quickly attacked. This time, however, the shark slammed into the fiberglass divider and bounced off. Undeterred, the shark kept repeating this behavior every few minutes to no avail. Meanwhile, the bait fish swam around unharmed in the second partition. Eventually, about an hour into the experiment, the shark gave up.

This experiment was repeated several dozen times over the next few weeks. Each time, the shark got less aggressive and made fewer attempts to attack the bait fish, until eventually the shark got tired of hitting the fiberglass divider and simply stopped attacking altogether.

The marine biologist then removed the fiberglass divider, but the shark didn’t attack. The shark was trained to believe a barrier existed between it and the bait fish, so the bait fish swam wherever they wished, free from harm.

The moral: Many of us, after experiencing setbacks and failures, emotionally give up and stop trying. Like the shark in the story, we believe that because we were unsuccessful in the past, we will always be unsuccessful. In other words, we continue to see a barrier in our heads, even when no ‘real’ barrier exists between where we are and where we want to go.”

And so it is with us. The longer we think that something can or can’t happen, the more we believe that thought, the more we act accordingly. Our beliefs are very powerful. They can control us; they can put up invisible barriers and hold us back from doing things and in times of change, they can definitely hold us back from accepting or dealing with the change and moving forward. So, what are some things we can do to break through invisible barriers?

You need to challenge the barrier, the “thing” that is holding you back; you need to take action. If negative thoughts (I could never do…, I don’t think I can do this…, I’m not as good as….) dominate your mind, what action can you take to eliminate the negative? Can you try to focus on the positive? Is the negative a learned, an ingrained behavior? If so, you can unlearn it. Change the ‘I could never and the I don’t think’ to words of encouragement. Don’t feed the cycle of negativity. If your mind is set on a specific goal (I want to make…, I want to be…), what action can you take to work toward that goal? What are the steps you can take to move in the direction of that goal? You can’t sit on the sidelines; you have to take action!

Practice positive self-talk. You’ve heard the phrase, “You are what you eat.” The same applies to our thoughts. You are what you think. If you think negative, you will be negative. If you think you can’t, you won’t be able to. If you think you can, you will be able to. If you repeat positive thoughts, your mind will begin to focus on what you want you want rather than on what you do not want. If you feed your mind positive, it will weaken the negative.

Believe you are worthy. Whatever your goal, your dream, or your desire, you are worthy of achieving it. Replace the self-limiting tape that your mind might be playing with a newer one that contains the truth – you are worthy to have your heart’s true desire.

Learn from failure.   Learning from failure and having regret are two separate things. Regret is an emotion; a feeling of disappointment along with a modest amount of shame or guilt. But to look back at a circumstance and figure out what went wrong gives you some very important information. This review allows you to evaluate what worked and what didn’t, and more importantly, why. Often when you are removed from a situation, you can look at it more objectively which will allow you to make better choices.

Know what you want. This isn’t about the how, only the what. In order to break the barrier, you need a firm foundation from which to step. Understanding what and where you want to go in life will provide your vision and spirit – your foundation.   Have a vision for what you want. Set goals to reach that vision; these goals will help shape your mindset.

Know who you are (mind, body, heart, spirit). Mind: what do you do well; what are you good at? Body: what role or need do  you serve? Heart: what do you love to do? Spirit: what gives you meaning and purpose? What is it you love to do?   When you are true to yourself, it is easier to develop a mindset that will lead you to success and happiness.

To deal with invisible barriers, we need to make a commitment to change the belief holding us back; change whatever is making us feel like we can’t be successful. The best thing to do to break through the barrier is take action. We all have it within us to identify what is holding us back; what is keeping that barrier in place. We do have it within us to persevere. We do have it within us to live the life we want or to get to whatever is on the other side of that barrier.  With persistent action, we can change a limiting belief; we can break through that invisible barrier and move forward.

WHAT’S HOLDING YOU BACK?

Last week, we focused on why change is so hard.  One reason change is hard is because we develop a certain mindset about how things are or are to be.  Our mindset can sometimes limit us and when change does happen, we often lose sight of what is or what could be.  In talking about how our mindset can limit us, I am reminded of the story The Elephant and the Chain.

If a trainer puts a chain around its leg and restrains it from moving far, the young elephant will initially try to escape. After trying for a while, the animal realizes that escaping is futile and gives in to the restraint, enabling the trainer to control the elephant for the rest of its life.  From then on, all that is required is a chain around its leg and a wooden peg in the ground that you or I could pull out, but the elephant doesn’t. Why? Because it doesn’t think that it can.

We know that elephants are strong animals, strong enough to just pull on that wooden peg and chain and break free. However, the elephant has been conditioned to believe that it cannot break the bonds of the chain, remaining submissive to the trainer.

Let’s broaden this tale to us and dealing with change. Is your mindset about how things should be the “chain around your leg” that is holding you back from productively dealing with change?   Think about a time when change entered your life. Did you have a fear of the unknown? Did you have a fear of failure? Did you fear leaving your comfort zone? Did you not want to step out of the familiar, the routine? All of these are valid reactions to change, but we need to move beyond them. However, sometimes it is difficult to do because of our mindset.

Our mindset consists of beliefs and beliefs are thoughts that, repeated over and over for a period of time, determine how we respond to situations.   And the longer we think that something can or can’t happen, the more we believe that thought and the more we act accordingly. So, our mindset is very powerful. It can control us; it can hold us back from doing things and in times of change, it can definitely hold us back from accepting or dealing with the change and moving forward. Let’s explore some things we can do to “break the chains” that bind us; to change a mindset that might be holding us back.

If you feel like you are bound by “chains,” ask yourself two questions: why is a mindset change needed at this time and what is it exactly that is holding you back? What has happened in your life, what has changed that is challenging a long term belief that you have had? (In my example in last week’s post, I talked how I was anticipating my self-contained special education classroom. My classroom becoming this ‘multi-categorical thing’ created a distortion in my professional world – something was becoming different – a change was happening and this change challenged my mindset.   I had a picture of what my classroom was to be; I had ‘defined’ my teaching world in terms of the population of students I expected and how my classroom was going to work. The new population of students with whom I would be working was inconsistent with I how felt my teaching world should be.   A major change had entered my world and it was hard for me to accept because of my mindset. However, if I was to continue in that teaching position, I had to change my mindset; I had to get beyond the beliefs of how I felt my teaching world should be.)

Next, you need to challenge the mindset that is holding you back; you need to take action. If negative thoughts (I could never do…, I don’t think I can do this…, I’m not as good as….) dominate your mindset, what action can you take to eliminate the negative? Can you try to focus on the positive? Is the negative a learned, an ingrained behavior? If so, you can unlearn it. Change the ‘I could never and the I don’t think’ to words of encouragement. Don’t feed the cycle of negativity. If your mindset is set on a specific goal (I want to make…, I want to be…), what action can you take to work toward that goal? What are the steps you can take to move in the direction of that goal? You can’t sit on the sidelines; you have to take action!

Practice positive self-talk. You’ve heard the phrase, “You are what you eat.” The same applies to our thoughts. You are what you think. If you think negative, you will be negative. If you think you can’t, you won’t be able to. If you think you can, you will be able to. If you repeat positive thoughts, your mind will begin to focus on what you want you want rather than on what you do not want. If you feed your mind positive, it will weaken the negative.

Believe you are worthy. Whatever your goal, your dream, or your desire, you are worthy of achieving it. Replace the self-limiting tape that your mindset might be playing with a newer one that contains the truth – you are worthy to have your heart’s true desire.

Learn from failure. Learning from failure and having regret are two separate things. Regret is an emotion; a feeling of disappointment along with a modest amount of shame or guilt. But to look back at a circumstance and figure out what went wrong gives you some very important information. This review allows you to evaluate what worked and what didn’t, and more importantly, why. Often when you are removed from a situation, you can look at it more objectively which will allow you to make better choices.

Find people who are successful in doing what you need to or want to do and use them as role models. Align yourself with their way of thinking, with their mindset. Get inspired by them. What did they do to break the chains and move on? Reading their biographies is a great place to start.

Know what you want. This isn’t about the how, only the what. In order to change your mindset you need a firm foundation from which to step. Understanding what and where you want to go in life will provide your vision and spirit – your foundation.  Have a vision for what you want. Set goals to reach that vision; these goals will help shape your mindset.

Know who you are (mind, body, heart, spirit). Mind: what do you do well; what are you good at? Body: what role or need do I serve? Heart: what do you love to do? Spirit: what gives you meaning and purpose? What is it you love to do?   When you are true to yourself, it is easier to develop a mindset that will lead you to success and happiness.

If it is our mindset that is the “chain that binds us,” the suggestions offered here will be helpful but only if you make a commitment to do something to break the chain; to change your mindset. The key that will unlock the chain and bring about lasting change is you taking action. Just wanting to break the chain, to change your mindset isn’t enough. You MUST DO SOMETHING! You do have it within you to identify what is holding you back. You do have it within you to “pull the peg and release the chain.” You do have it within you to live the life you want. You do have it within you to work toward your vision and goal(s). With persistent action, you can change a limiting mindset and move forward.

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF

Today marks the seventh anniversary of when my life changed in a seismic way. Seven years ago, my sister-in-law lost her battle with cancer. Seven years ago, I gave up life as I had known it and moved from full-time professional/school administrator to full-time auntie-mom. I had been in my professional role for over 30 years; I was very confident of who I was and what I did. I felt good about who I was and how I functioned in not only my professional role, but also my personal roles.

2005 before the seismic change: the author (left) with her sister-in-law (right), the author’s husband (far left), and nephew (center right)

 

One of those personal roles was being an aunt to my nephew, and I felt good about myself in that role. But, when I moved into the role of auntie-mom (my nephew who had just lost his mom, had lost his dad in 2003), I did begin to question myself: Can I do this? Can I do it well? The questioning I put myself through and the self-doubts I had are very common in times of change. And, the more seismic the change, the more we do question and doubt ourselves. However, it is when change is upon us that the belief in ourselves (our self-esteem) has to be strong; it needs to be at its strongest. Why?

How we feel about ourselves, our self-esteem, is especially important in times of change because it has an impact on our view of things and our choices. It is the source of our mental health (which needs to be positive in order to deal with the change).

By definition, self-esteem is the measure of how we value our self. It is how we view our self, our strengths, and our weaknesses. What does it mean when we say someone has a good or high self-esteem? This is a person who believes in themselves. They know who they are and they accept themselves for being who they are. As Nathaniel Branden said, “When we appreciate the true nature of self-esteem, we see that it is not competitive or comparative. It is not about making myself higher by making you lower. It has nothing to do with you. It is joy in my own being.”

What about someone with a poor or low self-esteem? This is a person who doesn’t view themselves in a positive way. They are often very negative, very often criticize themselves, and very often put themselves down. Because of the negative lens with which they see themselves through, they have great difficulty recognizing the good and positive aspects of themselves.

Since change itself can have us questioning ourselves and our self-worth, it is important to have a good or high view of ourselves because believing in one’s self builds self-confidence. The more confident you are, the more likely you are to deal positively with whatever change is facing you.

When we feel good about ourselves, we also have a stronger sense of control and direction and will be able to approach anything change challenges us with. Should you be facing a major change, but do not have a very high view of yourself, the following techniques will help boost how you feel about yourself, thereby making it a little easier to deal with whatever is changing.

Identify things that erode your self-esteem. What is going on (or went on) in your life that lowers how you feel about yourself? Something at work or school about which you aren’t sure? A difficult situation at home or work that has you down on yourself? Something someone said to you? A change that questions your ability to deal with what faces you?

Pay attention to your thoughts and challenge them. After you identify the things that are eroding your self-esteem, pay some attention to them. Are they accurate? Do they match the facts of the situation? Are you only seeing the negatives? Is your thinking all or nothing? Did you jump to a negative conclusion about the situation?

Practice positive self-talk. Replace negative or inaccurate thoughts with positive, constructive self-talk. Be kind and encouraging to yourself. Make a list of all of your positives. View mistakes as learning opportunities; forgive yourself for your mistakes instead of getting down on yourself about them; learn from them. Instead of automatically going to the negative, step back and ask, “What is this thought signaling?”

Align your actions with your values. Identify your core values and make sure your actions and deeds are in alignment with them.

Pay attention to your needs. Take care of yourself and your needs. Simplify your life. Choose healthy foods. Exercise. Rest. Relax. Get enough sleep.

Take time to do things you enjoy. Your life role(s) may have you to tending to others first and doing the things they like or want to do. However, you do need to take time to do some things that bring a smile to your face and heart. Giving yourself time and attention is an easy way to boost self-esteem.

Learn something new. Nothing leads to a renewed sense of self-esteem like the sense of accomplishment that comes from learning something new. When you practice and become skilled at something you enjoy, your increasing competency will be a source of pride and fulfillment for you.

Smile. You’d be surprised how much this simple change will help in building self-esteem. Make a decision to smile at every stranger and watch what happens. Not everyone will smile back, but every time someone does, you will feel an inner lift. Know that with each smile you initiate, you are brightening someone’s day. Doesn’t that make you feel good about yourself?

Practice random acts of kindness. When we serve and support others, we feel uplifted and valued.

Practice gratitude. List everything you have done that you feel proud of. Measure yourself by your gifts, not flaws. Write down the things for which you feel grateful. What are the blessings in your life? Who has touched your life in a positive way?

Keep an affirmation journal. Write positive, loving statements about yourself. Repeat these daily upon waking up, before going to bed, or when you begin to feel low about yourself.

Read something inspirational. Read books and articles that uplift you and make you feel positive. Avoid negative television shows, web sites, advertising, anything that reinforces a poor self-image.

Avoid energy vampires. Stay away from those in your life who put you down, drain your energy, or just make you feel awful about yourself. Instead, surround yourself with those who love and support you; those that value you.

James Allen said, “You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you.” Make sure your thoughts take you to a place of feeling good about yourself. Remember, since change itself can have us questioning ourselves and our self-worth, it is important to have a good or high view of ourselves because believing in one’s self builds self-confidence. The more confident you are, the more likely you are to deal positively with whatever change is facing you. And, the more confident you are, the stronger your sense of control and direction will be allowing you to approach anything change challenges you with.

DON’T LET CHANGE GET YOU ‘STUCK IN THE MUD’

This week, I want to talk about why the ability to keep moving forward is so important when dealing with change and transition. Have you ever felt so mired in something that you couldn’t move in any direction? Think about how frustrating it is when you are stuck in traffic and can’t move forward, backward or sideward. Not only can the inability to move be frustrating, but it can also be frightening.

Years ago, when I was just an aunt to my nephew (in the days before becoming the auntie-mom), we used to go on adventure trips. We took one such trip to a local lake after it had been drained. We were there looking to find “treasures” like fishing gear, shells, interesting rocks, and unique driftwood.

There were wet, muddy spots in the lake bed and Uncle Bob warned us not to get too close to those. I was trailing JM to make sure he didn’t get into any kind of trouble. As it turned out, both he and I got stuck in the mud! (Not the stuff we had been warned about, but other stuff closer to the shore whose looks were deceiving.)  Oh my! Movement made things worse. It was like being in quicksand where any movement can make you sink a little further and further in the wrong direction. Anyway, while we weren’t sinking, we were unable to move. I think JM was too young to realize the danger we were in; it truly was an adventure to him. But, I was frightened.   Not being able to move on or to make any progress in getting out of the mud was terrifying. (Well, what happened you ask? You will find the rest of the story at the end of the post.)

Sometimes it is the same with change. Some changes seem way too hard to deal with so we just give up; we quit; we just get “stuck in the mud.” But, that is the worst thing we can do when we are dealing with change or transition. We have to keep moving and keep moving forward. To move forward is to advance or make progress with something. Moving forward is moving ahead and moving on. The ability to move forward is so important when dealing with change because oftentimes it seems easier to just quit and give up when the challenges associated with change are upon us. It is easier to stay rooted in our comfort zone than to move out of it and deal with the change at hand. However, staying rooted does nothing to help us navigate the “changing environment.”

Moving forward does not mean that you will experience smooth sailing, but rather, it means that you will do whatever it takes to make the most out of your life in the changed environment and that you will deal appropriately with whatever roadblocks come your way. Think of what Dorothy and her friends faced in their quest. They are great examples of moving forward and negotiating roadblocks when dealing with change.

Oftentimes when moving forward, we have to change course and direction. When in the midst of change or transitions, life is like a roller coaster ride; it is full of ups and downs, but these ups and downs offer us opportunities, chances to determine what is important and what direction we really want to take. That move out of our comfort zone forces us to re-evaluate ourselves, to search for pockets of strength we didn’t even know we had, and to move onward and upward to where we want to be.

When the change seems too overwhelming and we do get “mired in the mud,” how do we even think about moving forward? (What do we do when there is no Uncle Bob around to extend a long branch that will help pull us from the mud?) Let’s take a look at some techniques that will help us move forward:

1.Forget regret. Leave your mistakes and regret in the past. They don’t define your value, then or now. When you stay in the past you become stuck and unable to move forward. We all have made mistakes with our job choices, friends and relationships. The consequences can hit us pretty hard. However, to begin learning how to put these experiences behind us – by letting them go, we can begin to live in the here and now. Give yourself the gift of forgiveness and keep moving forward.

2.Learn from failure. Learning from failure and having regret are two separate things. Regret is an emotion; a feeling of disappointment along with a modest amount of shame or guilt. But to look back at a circumstance and figure out what went wrong gives you some very important information. This review allows you to evaluate what worked and what didn’t, and more importantly, why. Often when you are removed from a situation, you can look at it more objectively which will allow you to make better choices to keep moving forward.

3.Ask for help. You are not alone. It may feel that way sometimes, but there are many people who would extend their hand and lift you up if asked. All you have to do is ask. Consider co-workers, neighbors, or your church. Often times we are afraid to ask because we don’t believe we are worthy to receive the help. Think about this: we are surrounded by millions and millions of people by design – for a purpose. A hand to grasp, a shoulder to cling, and a face to radiate hope can help you to keep moving forward.

4.Believe you are worthy. Whatever your goal, your dream, or your desire, you are worthy of achieving it. The closer you get to it is when the enemy of your soul will begin putting doubt in your mind by playing the self-limiting tapes that say you are not worthy. Replace these old tapes with a newer one that contains the truth – you are worthy to have your heart’s true desire and to keep moving forward.

5.Take 100% responsibility. Except in rare and unfortunate circumstances, you are responsible for the quality and condition of your life. Your career, your relationships and your happiness are all under your direct control. Sometimes we choose to do nothing when we get hit hard because it’s just easier and less painful that way. But the real pain is only deferred. You have to live with yourself. You have to live with the voice in your gut, your inner wisdom that says you gave up too soon or didn’t try hard enough. When you hear this inner voice speaking to you, it’s usually right. It’s your choice, then, to get up and keep moving forward.

6.Know what you want. This isn’t about the how, only the what. In order to move forward in life, you need a firm foundation to step from. Understanding what and where you want to go in life will provide your vision and spirit – your foundation. The how will figure itself out when you know you want to keep moving forward.

7.Focus. The mind must be clear about what it needs to focus on. There are times when it is critical to focus on what is taking place at that time. My advice is to focus on what is most important or that appears to be the priority. If you do not focus on what is most important; you could be in real trouble in the near or not to distance future.

8.Trust. Everything happens for a reason. When you get hit hard and land on your back, look for the reasons and for the value in this. Open your heart and trust this happened for a reason. Perhaps it was to test your determination or to alert you to the fact you were on the wrong path. Either way, trust the experience is happening for a reason and be open to making adjustments in order to keep moving forward.

9.Want it more. How badly do you want it? How badly do you really want to achieve what you are working so hard to accomplish? When you get hit hard, you have an opportunity to answer this question. It’s one thing to say you want to do something, or to be something. But to walk through the pain; to get up and keep moving forward knowing there may be more pain ahead, is a test of your determination and resolve. When you find yourself getting back on your feet, you have indeed answered this question and there’s no doubt you will keep moving forward.

10.Keep the Faith. Faith is a strong belief in something without proof or evidence At the end of the day when you are weary from all of the effort and energy you have expended and you are sore and tired from being hit hard so many times, but the dream is not realized, the one thing that tells you to keep going; to get up tomorrow and to keep moving forward, is your faith. Honor this and cherish it. Faith is what makes you human. It gives you energy and hope. And if you let it, your faith will deliver you to wherever you want to go in life.

11.Identify what is standing in the way of reaching the goal. Is it emotional based (fear, anger, doubt, worry, sadness)? Is it something physical (distance, lack of a resource)? Is it health related (physical ailment, weight issue, lack of exercise)? Is it our mindset (resistance to the change, negativity, my way is the only way)? Then, determine the best approach of overcoming the obstacle. Does the issue require just taking a step back, slowing down a bit, and cooling off? Feel hampered as if in a straitjacket where the connections must be determined before the bounds can be loosened or severed? Is the challenge more of a hurdle (something that is standing in the way) for which you need to gain momentum so the hurdle can be jumped?   Has something impassable, like a boulder, been dropped on the path where a whole new route must be found? Is it just the “yellow light” flashing indicating to us the need to slow down and use caution? Does it feel like the wall has been hit? As Michael Jordan says, “Obstacles don’t have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don’t turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.”

“Blast” the roadblock into manageable pieces. Break down into smaller, more manageable ways/steps the approach to overcoming the roadblock. Taking small, baby steps will help prevent one from becoming overwhelmed by the roadblock. Be persistent. Keep on going no matter what. Take an emotional “time out.” When roadblocks are placed in our path, it is common to get flustered and react in an emotional way. This type of reaction isn’t usually productive. It may be cathartic, but it isn’t going to remove the roadblock. When facing the roadblock, we must begin to look at it with our logic and reason lenses. This will help identify the relevance of the roadblock and the means by which to overcome it.

Take a view from a different perspective. View the roadblock from someone else’s perspective (spouse, child, co-worker, boss, friend, sibling, parent). Try to see it inside out and upside down: is it truly what we think or have we misunderstand the situation? Am I clearly seeing the picture or are there clouds or fog in the way? Have others dealt with the same obstacle? How did they overcome it? Have I made assumption about the issue? Do these assumptions help to remove the roadblock or do they make it worse?

Be action oriented. Change overwhelms us. The roadblocks within the change can stop us in our track; paralyze us. This is the time to take a deep breath and step into action. Focus on the following: Just what is the roadblock? The circumstance? Can I handle it; control it? What parts can’t I control? How do I gain the upper hand with this? How can I influence this circumstance? What resources do I need?

Think like a winner. Believing roadblocks can be overcome is half the battle. Have confidence. Steer clear from doubts because they will only immobilize any effort. Self-doubts also turn attention away from solutions and keep the attention on the problem. The calmer one can be, the clearer the mind and the better one is able to think divergently and creatively about the issue(s). Winners don’t quit; they rise above to meet the challenge head on.

12.Develop a mantra that will help you focus on moving forward. For example, when you wake up each morning, tell yourself that “Today, I will move forward one little step at a time.”

Other appropriate thoughts are:

1. I will stop focusing on what happened and start focusing on what’s going to move me forward.
2. Every moment wasted looking back keeps me from moving forward.
3. If I can’t fly, then I will run. If I can’t run, then I will walk. If I can’t walk, then I will crawl. Whatever I do, I will keep moving forward.
4. I will not dwell on what went wrong. Instead, I will focus on what to do next. I will spend my energies on moving forward toward finding the answer.
5. Even if I am on the right track, I will get run over if I just there. I WILL MOVE FORWARD.
6. If I don’t step forward, I will always be in the same place.
7. I won’t get rid of yesterday by talking about it all of the time. I can get rid of its effect on me by MOVING FORWARD!

We all need to adopt the philosophy of Walt Disney who said, “Around here we don’t look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening new doors and doing new things because we’re curious…and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.” Don’t be afraid to go down a new path. It may be just what you need to keep moving forward!

(And, now, the rest of the stuck in the mud story. Uncle Bob came to the rescue of both of us. He did so by extending a long branch that we grabbed on to and with which he pulled us from the mud. We came out safely, but out boots remained in the mud! Wanting to try and salvage the boots, Uncle Bob carefully placed logs from the shore on the lake bed, creating “stepping logs” that he used to reach the boots and pull them to safety too!)