ADJUSTING TO A NEW NORMAL

A dear friend’s husband recently lost his battle with cancer.  When she called me with the news, she shared that she didn’t know how she was going to adjust to his not being around.  She asked, “We were together for over 55 years.  How long do you think it is going to take me to get used to being without him?”  My answer was “You will probably never get used to being without him but with time, you will adjust to your ‘new normal.’”

  Oh, my yes.  Adjusting to change takes time.  For some, it happens quickly.  For others, it can take weeks or months or years or what seems like forever.   The adjustment to any change is a very personal process that takes time.  I cannot quantify how long it will take.  I did tell my friend to take it day by day (and even hour by hour within each day if need be).  That she shouldn’t rush things; that she needed to give herself the time (and the space) to deal with the change.  While I couldn’t offer a definitive time frame to my friend for adjusting to change, we did talk about the following:

Acknowledging feelings.  Any feeling one has is normal.  Feeling worried, sad, stressed, lost, confused is to be expected.  Those are all typical and normal reactions.  The key is to recognize them; acknowledge them, but to not let them dominate and take control.

Compartmentalizing thoughts and creating a special place for worry and doubt.   Worry and doubt love to rear their heads in changed environments.  Can I make it alone?  Whatever will I do?  Will I be able to move on?   Worrying does nothing but take away today’s peace!  Someone said, “Worry is a total waste of time.  It doesn’t change anything. All it does is steal your joy and keeps you very busy doing nothing.”    Living and working in the changed environment takes energy.  Doubt, fear, worry, anxiety – they are all energy zappers; they do nothing more than slow us down.  If we can place thoughts of doubt, fear, worry, and anxiety in a special place in our mind, lock them in there, and toss the key we will then have room for thoughts of certainty, bravery, contentment, and a sense of calm.

Releasing any fears about what is going to happen in the new/changed environment. Worrying about tomorrow only takes away from enjoying today.  What we imagine happening may never occur. Try to take the unknowns of life and put them on the back burner of our mind instead of actively trying to play out every scenario. Focus on the here and now and on what we can control.  Don’t waste energy on things over which we have no control.

Taking control of our attitude.  Motivational speaker and self-development author Brian Tracy tells us, “You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control our attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.”  We do need to take charge of our thoughts and actions in the changed environment.  Be proactive rather than reactive to what is going on.  Unless one is dealing with a chemical imbalance in their system, if we want to be positive and happy, we will be.  If we want to be negative and unhappy, we will be.  The choice is ours, so we need  to take control of our attitude and focus on the thoughts and feelings that will help us adjust; that will help get us closer to our goals.

Adopting a positive mindset.  It is very easy to slip in a negative mindset when dealing with change:  I don’t like it here.  This is so different from what I expected.  I just can’t do this.  Nothing is going right.   Letting our optimistic side come to the forefront will help to put the negative mindset in perspective.   Look for the bright side in things.  Focus on the positive.  Being positive will turn into being more content and maybe even happier.

Taking it one day at a time.  Since change makes things different, it may be best to take things one day at a time.  Get through one day before thinking about how to deal with the next day.   While we may have to plan for the future, we don’t have to worry about it.  We can keep the future in sight, but our focus should be on the here and now.

Making no rush decisions.  When we are emotionally vulnerable, we don’t make the best decisions.  With change we experience a lot of emotions, both positive and negative. The negative ones are the ones that bring us down and drain our energy.  When we are at an emotional low and our energy reserves are working on fumes, it is easy to want to throw in the towel and just give up.  If we get to that point we need to take a step back and tell ourselves to wait until tomorrow; wait until we talk things out with a “touchstone.”  Everything needs to be in perspective before any decisions are made.

Talking things out.  Stay in close touch with “touchstones” –   friends and family.  Let them know thoughts and feelings.  Let them lend an ear and let them share their perspective on things.

It is never easy letting go or giving up something/someone that we love, are fond of, or are comfortable with.  However, sometimes we have no choice. When the change is out of our control the only thing we can control is how we react to the change.  While there are things we can do in the short term that might make us feel better (ranting, raving, moaning, and groaning), none of these will help us move on or deal with what we are left with.  After we vent about the unfairness of the change, we need to quickly look at how we can make the most of and the best of the situation.  The suggestions shared in the post are but a few of the strategies that will help us move beyond the situation.  The important thing to remember is that we can control the change by controlling our reaction and setting in motion plans that help us move forward.

GAME CHANGING DECISIONS

I recently visited with 91-year-old Aunt Mary Ann. As a result of dementia, which has stolen her knowledge of how to do some basic life skills (among other things), she resides in a skilled nursing facility. On this day, she was alert and pretty much “with it.” Because of her alertness, we played a game of Yahtzee after lunch.

Yahtzee is a game the object of which is to roll five dice for scoring combinations and get the highest score. On each turn, one gets to roll the dice up to three times to get the highest scoring combination for one of 13 categories. This game requires one to make a decision after each roll.

Despite Aunt Mary Ann’s alertness, after each of her rolls, I summarized the different options available to her. On one roll, she had two 4s and two 5s. She could keep those and try for one more 4 or 5 for a full house, keep the 4s and try for more of them, or keep the 5s and try for more of them. I told her if it were me, I’d try for the full house. She chose not to do that, instead going for more 5s. She did not roll another 5. She looked at me with a smile and said, “Bad decision.”

We talked about how it wasn’t a bad decision; it was just a decision that didn’t turn out how she wanted. Throughout the rest of the game, I was more cognizant of any decision either of us made and how it turned out.

When I left her, I couldn’t stop thinking about decisions. A decision is a conclusion one reaches after considering information at hand. Decision making would then be the act of making a choice between a set of options. Making decisions is a huge part of our everyday lives: what to wear, what to eat, what to watch, what to listen to. Sometimes we’re faced with making decisions that require some serious thought such as changing jobs, accepting a job offer, entering into a new relationship, ending a current relationship, or making a major purchase.

Life is about choices. Choices mean decisions. In the following situation, what would your decision be? You are a college football coach. It is late in the fourth quarter of the game. You are down by seven points.   Your team scores a touchdown so the point difference is now one. You have two choices. Kick an extra point and if successful, tie the game. Try for a two-point conversion and if successful, go ahead by one. What to do? What to do?

This situation is exactly what the coach of Michigan State faced in the November 19, 2016 game against Ohio State. The coach only had seconds to ponder the pros and cons of each outcome. His decision was to go for the two-point conversion. That attempt failed. The end result didn’t turn out how he wanted and many questioned that decision, calling it bad, wrong, ill advised. However, if the two-point conversion had been successful with the end result turning out how he wanted, that decision would have been called good, right, gutsy.

When we are faced with a choice, we must make a decision. The decision will not be right or wrong. It won’t be good or bad.   The decision will just be.  (Remember, those adjectives describe the constructs others place on the outcome of the decision.) The important thing is to decide so we can move on. In the time we have to make a decision, we must look at the factors that present themselves at that moment. If the end result turns out how we wanted, things progress forward in the manner we had hoped. If the end result doesn’t turn out how we wanted, we need to re-evaluate our choice to determine next steps and in what direction we will move. Looking for the lesson in a decision that didn’t turn out how we wanted is a productive action to take.

There is no magic formula for making decisions, but there are some things we can do to help us when we are presented with a choice and must make a decision. These tips are presented in no particular order:

Stay calm. Panic only interferes with rational thinking.

Do your research. Get as much information as you can.

Create a list of pros and cons.

Imagine the worst case scenario and determine how likely that is to happen. Ask yourself if you can deal with the worst case.

Be objective. Balance rationality with emotions.

Listen to your inner voice.   Trust your gut instinct.   A good decision will feel right. If you have to be talked into doing something, that may not be the way to go.

Match personal values, vision, and direction to choices.

Let go of the fear of making a decision. Remember, there is no right or wrong. Any choice helps you move in a direction. Movement is better than being stuck.

Talk to family, friends, colleagues.

Establish a timeframe in which the decision is to be made.

Deepak Chopra in his The Book of Secrets: Unlocking the Hidden Dimensions of Your Life says, “If you obsess over whether you are making the right decision, you are basically assuming that the universe will reward you for one thing and punish you for another. The universe has no fixed agenda. Once you make any decision, it works around that decision. There is no right or wrong, only a series of possibilities that shift with each thought, feeling, and action that you experience. If this sounds too mystical, refer again to the body. Every significant vital sign- body temperature, heart rate, oxygen consumption, hormone level, brain activity, and so on- alters the moment you decide to do anything… decisions are signals telling your body, mind, and environment to move in a certain direction.”

I agree. With decisions, there is no right or wrong just a series of possibilities that follow whatever choice is made. The end result will either be what we wanted or hoped for or it will not. If the result of the decision moves us in a direction in which we had wanted to go, life will go on nicely until the next major decision needs to be made. If the result of the decision isn’t what we hoped for or doesn’t help move us forward in our journey, we need to look for the lesson in the decision, learn from it, and use that new knowledge to help us move in a direction which will take us to a place in our life journey where we need to be.