“WEATHERING SETBACKS AND TRAGEDIES”

I was recently re-reading some of the works of Martin Seligman (American psychologist, educator, and author of self-help books) and came across his thought, “Life inflicts the same setbacks and tragedies on the optimist as on the pessimist, but the optimist weathers them better.”  Reading that thought reminded me of my first visit to the Oregon Coast.  I was excited, not only to get to see the Pacific first hand, but also to experience clamming and crabbing.  The ‘coast’ did not disappoint me. The mighty Pacific against the backdrop of a rugged coastline was awesome.  Geoduck (“gooey duck”) clamming was a new and interesting experience.  Crabbing in Netarts Bay was an exciting adventure.  The perpetual mist and wind (from breezy to gusty) did not deter my excitement.  The weekend was magnificent!

At work Monday morning, colleagues asked about my maiden coastal trip.  I responded enthusiastically about all I had seen and done.  Our department secretary, who had also been to the same coastal area, said, “Are you kidding?  It was too windy and too wet to enjoy anything!”  Our secretary thought the wind and mist was a setback to a pleasant weekend while I on the other hand, took the wind and mist in stride and had a wonderful weekend.  Our responses to our time at the coast are classic Seligman – me the optimist “weathering” the weather setback better than our secretary – pessimist struggling to see the positive in the coastal surroundings.

Why are optimists able to “weather” setbacks and tragedies better?

• Optimists attend to and process information with a positive outlook. 
• Optimists have a “power with” relationship things happening around them; they decide how they will be affected by what is occurring; the locus of control is internal. 
• Optimists link setbacks and tragedies to external and temporary circumstances; they do not personalize the circumstance.    

If we are not optimistic by nature but want to begin “weathering” the setbacks and tragedies of life in a more optimistic manner, we can begin by recognizing and dealing with the negative self-talk and challenging the usefulness of our negative thoughts and beliefs and we can do this by:

LIMIT THE ATTENTION GIVEN THE NEGATIVE CHATTER.  Avoid allowing the negative chatter to dominate thoughts.  Any emotions we are feeling need to be dealt with; however, we must not dwell on any the emotional lows (anger, fear, sadness, frustration, sorrow).  If we give the emotional lows all the attention, they will overtake everything.  Instead, we need to acknowledge them but move on to understanding and use positive chatter – hope, belief, solution – to help us move to what can and will be.

STOP IDENTIFYING WITH THE NEGATIVE CHATTER.   We need to avoid defining ourselves based on the negative chatter.  American industrialist Henry Ford said, “Whether you believe you can do a thing or not, you are right.”   If we tell ourselves enough times that we can’t or shouldn’t or don’t deserve or… then we won’t be able to or won’t get whatever we are striving for.  We shouldn’t be afraid to question why we think that way. 

REFRAME THE NEGATIVE CHATTER.  Sometimes just tweaking what the “bad” is telling us may help allow what the “good” is saying to come to the forefront.  Think about it?  Which statement gives you more hope?  ‘I’m having a bad day.’  or ‘I’m having a bad moment today.’  The second statement is an example of a “good” thought – in the 24 hours I am given today, these five minutes are not good ones.  There is a huge difference in our perception when we put the chatter in a workable context.

REPLACE THE NEGATIVE CHATTER WITH A BETTER, MORE POSITIVE THOUGHT.  Most often, the things that we think are just the way it has to be is just as assumption that at some point we decided to agree with.  First, we must stop agreeing!  Replace ‘There is no way I can learn that new computer program’ with ‘I may not be the best at it and it may take me some time, but I am willing to give a try at that new computer program.’  Stop feeding the negative chatter with time and attention.  If we stop feeding the negative chatter and start feeding a more positive belief/thought, the old one will die and the new one will blossom and flourish!  We need to follow the advice of Aristotle, “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit.”  We can substitute positive in place of excellence in his advice.  Make being positive your habit.

GET RID OF THE NEGATIVE “TAPE” PLAYING IN OUR HEAD.  Those constant negative thoughts, negative beliefs really take a toll on us.  Avoid judging and labeling stuff as bad or not worthy or not capable.  These beliefs truly limit us and hold us back.  Create a list of things to do (I really want to learn that new computer program).  Next, create a list of reasons why preventing those things from happening (I’m too old to learn something new; I don’t have the time to learn the new computer program; Computer stuff is too hard).  While some things on your list may be accurate, what things aren’t?  It is the inaccurate (the negative) beliefs that need to be changed? 

WORK TOWARD A CALMER SELF.  When we are relaxed and calm, there seems to be less negative chatter and we seem to have more control over our thoughts.  When we worry and are stressed, we lose control over the chatter and the worst of thoughts have a way of gaining a foothold.  So it behooves us to remain calm, cool, and collected and to stay in the present as much as possible.  Do whatever it takes to stay relaxed.  Meditate.  (Meditation is a great way to quiet the fear-based negative chatter in our minds.)  Practice deep breathing.  Employ visualization techniques.  Color. (Pick up one of the adult coloring books and let your inner child help you calm down.)  Say a mantra. 

“We are what we think,” taught Buddha (ascetic and sage).   So, why not think and be positive?  Feed the positive.  Starve the negative. Remember, the more we focus on the positive, on hope and possibilities, the more likely we will be better able to “weather” setbacks and challenges.  Make it a goal to recognize and deal with the negative self-talk and to challenge the usefulness of our negative thoughts and beliefs. Allow the positive self-talk and thoughts and beliefs to blossom and grow.   Let’s position ourselves to “weather” setbacks and challenges better.  

DISCOVERING AND EMBRACING OUR STRENGTHS

 

Have you ever wanted to do something but didn’t even try because you didn’t think you could do it?  How about found yourself in a challenging situation and just gave up because you didn’t think you could do it?  Or, tell yourself that you can’t do something as well as X can, so why even try?  I’m sure most of us can relate a situation from our lives to one of these examples.  If I’ve learned anything over my many years it is that we are our harshest critics and we are stronger than we give ourselves credit.  Ralph Marston (creator of the blog site, The Daily Motivator) reminds us, “There are plenty of obstacles in your path. Don’t allow yourself to become one of them.”  This week, let’s spend some time exploring some things we can do to avoid being obstacles to ourselves along our life journey and instead, discover and embrace our strengths.  We need to:

 FOCUS ON WHAT WE CAN DO INSTEAD OF WHAT WE CAN’T DO.    In addition to what we know we can do well, there are probably many other strengths that we don’t give ourselves credit for.  We need to listen closely to what those who are close to us say we are good at.  We need to pay attention to the type of activities we just dive right in to and enjoy doing.  What types of things energize us?  What attributes do we like in ourselves?  We can find personal strengths in those.  Our responses to all of these items are what we need to focus on when we begin to doubt our ability to do something.  There will be something in our repertoire that will help us deal with whatever we are facing.

 MANAGE OUR LIMITATIONS.  In embracing our strengths, it is important for us to manage our limitations.  No one is perfect so we all have things that we can’t realistically do as well as might like.  Those, however, should never stop us from trying.  We manage our limitations by being honest with ourselves about what they are.  We look to how we can work around them, work with them, or overcome them. We should never let them become excuses for not attempting to do something.  And, when we manage our limitations efficiently, they can help us discover and appreciate our strengths.

STOP IDENTIFYING WITH THE NEGATIVE CHATTER.   We need to avoid defining ourselves based on the negative chatter.  American industrialist Henry Ford said, “Whether you believe you can do a thing or not, you are right.”   If we tell ourselves enough times that we can’t or shouldn’t or don’t deserve or… then we won’t be able to or won’t get whatever we are striving for.   We need to work on limiting the attention we give any negative self-chatter.

REPLACE THE NEGATIVE CHATTER WITH A BETTER, MORE POSITIVE THOUGHT.  Most often, the things that we think are just the way it has to be is just as assumption that at some point we decided to agree with.  First, we must stop agreeing!  Replace ‘There is no way I can learn to ballroom dance’ with ‘I may not be the best at it and it may take me some time, but I am willing to give a try at learning ballroom dances.’  Stop feeding the negative chatter with time and attention.  If we stop feeding the negative chatter and start feeding a more positive belief/thought, the old one will die and the new one will blossom and flourish!  We need to follow the advice of Aristotle (ancient Greek philosopher and scientist), “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit.”  We can substitute positive in place of excellence in his advice.  We need to make being and thinking positive a habit.

THINK LIKE A WINNER.   Believing we can do something is half the battle.  Have confidence.  Steer clear from doubts because they will only immobilize any effort.  Self-doubts also turn attention away from solutions and keep the attention on the issue or situation.  Winners don’t quit; they rise above to meet the challenge head on.

WORK TOWARD A CALMER SELF.  When we are relaxed and calm we seem to have more control over our thoughts and actions.  When we worry and are stressed, we lose control over the chatter in our mind and the worst of thoughts have a way of gaining a foothold.  So it behooves us to remain calm, cool, and collected and to stay in the present as much as possible.  Do whatever it takes to stay relaxed so that our inner strength has a chance to become better known to us.

When we can be realistic with ourselves and get comfortable with what we do well and what we don’t do so well, we better position ourselves to truly embrace our strengths and use them to our advantage while not allowing our limitations (or those things we don’t do so well) to become self-placed obstacles on our life journey.  Life will put enough obstacles in our path without us being one of them.    We need to discover or rediscover our strengths, embrace them, and use them to overcome life’s obstacles and move forward, full steam ahead!

REFRAMING NEGATIVE THOUGHTS

 

In a post from January 22, 2018 on Quieting the Negative Chatter in our Mind, I presented six strategies to quiet all the negative thoughts that creep into our mind.  One of those strategies, reframe negative chatter, is one I would like to explore more in depth this week.

Let’s think about reframing.  If we were to reframe a picture, we’d replace the current frame with a different one – perhaps one that highlights the picture in a way that may give it a better perspective.  Well, when we reframe negative thoughts, we do something similar.   We take those negative thoughts and replace them with ones that allow us to look at the situation or issue from a different perspective and one that is more useful or resourceful.  Reframing is another way of looking at and understanding something.  Let’s explore some things we can do to reframe negative thoughts that might clutter our mind.

Name that thought.  Acknowledge those thoughts but keep them in their place.  They are only thoughts, not necessarily reality.  List the thoughts (there are some who keep a thought journal) and then work to put them perspective.

Gain perspective by taking a step back.  We need to be careful how we interpret the situation or issue because it is our interpretation that gives it meaning and assigns it a value (positive or negative).  Try viewing the situation or issue from a different angle, one that is more positive.  If unable to shift to the positive immediately, start with using words that don’t have as strong a negative slant.  For example, instead of thinking ‘I hate all of these changes to the workplace,’ try ‘I dislike all these changes to the workplace.’

Challenge limiting beliefs.  Oftentimes, the negative chatter arises from a limiting belief that permeates our thoughts.  Sometimes, we unknowingly put limits and boundaries on ourselves, especially around what we can or can’t do.  And, the longer we think that something can’t happen, the more we believe that thought and the more we act accordingly.  We have to be willing to ask ourselves the tough questions to find out what is behind the thought, the belief that is holding us back.  Once we come up with answers, it will be easier to work on alternatives.

Replace negative thoughts with realistic, balanced ones that have positive overtones.  Just as we challenged limiting beliefs in the above strategy, we can do the same with the thought itself.  Do not be afraid to challenge the assumptions that are behind those negative thoughts.   Practicing positive self-talk will go a long way in helping to reframe.

Find a distraction.  If we can do something that will occupy our mind with other thoughts, we’ll have no time or room for negative chatter.  (There are some who pinch themselves each time negative chatter begins and others who wear a rubber band on their wrist and snap it when negative chatter invades the mind.)

View situations or issues as learning opportunities rather than problems.   Instead of thinking ‘This is the most stupid thing my organization has done’ try ‘What can I learn from what my organization has done?’   This reframe moves the situation from a problem into a more productive way to deal with the situation.  Think solution or resolution instead of problem.

Avoid overgeneralizing.  When we overgeneralize we see a single situation or issue as becoming the rule for all situations or issues.  For example, if we are unsuccessful in getting a job we really wanted, the negative thought will be that any job we try for, we will not get.  Avoid distorting a single situation or issue.  Keep things in perspective.  Learn to accept that what happened this time is specific to what is going on right here and now.  Things can and do change.   To help avoid overgeneralizing, look back at a circumstance and figure out what went wrong.  This review allows us to evaluate what worked and what didn’t, and more importantly, why. Often when we remove ourselves from a situation, we can look at it more objectively which will allow us to view things in a more positive, realistic light.

Terms that lead to overgeneralizing

 

Get someone else’s take on what is underlying the chatter.   We need to take time to talk to someone whose opinions and judgments we value and trust.   This person may have a totally different take on what is going on and may help steer us away from the negative chatter and toward thoughts that are more positive and productive.

It is important for us to remember that we choose how we feel. As American writer and humorist Mark Twain said, “My life has been filled with terrible misfortunes, most of which have never happened.”  Barring chemical imbalances in our system, we do have control over our thoughts.  That negative chatter only has power if we give it the power.  Reframing is actually an easy way to deal with the negative chatter.  What is not easy, however, is implementing it on a consistent basis.  We have to be committed to wanting to keep that negative chatter in check and that takes time, energy, and a consistent application of strategies.  If we can make reframing one of our “good” habits, we have a better chance of it being a useful tool in our ‘tool box’ of strategies.

QUIETING THE NEGATIVE CHATTER IN OUR MIND

“A grandfather is talking with his grandson and he says there are two wolves inside of us which are always at war with each other. 

One of them is a good wolf which represents things like kindness, bravery and love. The other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed, hatred and fear.

The grandson stops and thinks about it for a second then he looks up at his grandfather and says, “Grandfather, which one wins?”

The grandfather quietly replies,  the one you feed.” (A Tale of Two Wolves, Cherokee Proverb)

 Do you ever find yourself in conflict with as American author Stephen King calls it “…a voice from the attic of my mind” (from an excerpted college newspaper column, king’s garbage truck, in Hearts in Suspension, page 222) or the chatter in your mind?  Does your chatter have a good and bad side?  A positive and negative side?  An optimistic (cheery) and a pessimistic (gloomy) side?

In the story above, this inner voice or the chatter in our mind is depicted as two wolves.  Which wolf, which inner voice, do you find yourself feeding?  Fueling?  Is it the positive, cheery one or the negative, gloomy one?  Does the situation you find yourself in determine which one you feed and choose to give strength to?

  Personally, no matter the situation, I try to feed my good wolf.  I try to do what is necessary to give it strength to get me through the challenging, tough, and rough moments in my life.  I have found it to be more productive in the long run to be positive and optimistic no matter what.  But what if the bad wolf is the stronger one, the one who seems to control responses and reactions?   When the bad wolf seems to be getting in the way of dealing productively with a situation, then we need to diminish its strength and quiet it which may allow the good wolf to gain control.

Some things we can do to tame the bad wolf and quiet that negative chatter are:

LIMIT THE ATTENTION GIVEN THE NEGATIVE CHATTER.  Avoid allowing the negative chatter to dominate thoughts.  Any emotions we are feeling need to be dealt with; however, we must not dwell on any of the emotional lows (anger, fear, sadness, frustration, sorrow).  If we give the emotional lows all the attention, they will overtake everything.  Instead, we need to acknowledge them but move on to understanding and using positive chatter – hope, belief, solution – to help us move to what can and will be.

STOP IDENTIFYING WITH THE NEGATIVE CHATTER.   We need to avoid defining ourselves based on the negative chatter.  American industrialist Henry Ford said, “Whether you believe you can do a thing or not, you are right.”   If we tell ourselves enough times that we can’t or shouldn’t or don’t deserve or… then we won’t be able to or won’t get whatever we are striving for.  We shouldn’t be afraid to question why we think that way.

REFRAME THE NEGATIVE CHATTER.  Sometimes just tweaking what the “bad wolf” is telling us may help allow what the “good wolf” is saying to come to the forefront.  Think about it?  Which statement gives you more hope?  ‘I’m having a bad day.’  or ‘I’m having a bad moment today.’  The second statement is an example of a “good wolf” thought – in the 24 hours I am given today, these five minutes are not good ones.  There is a huge difference in our perception when we put the chatter in a workable context.

REPLACE THE NEGATIVE CHATTER WITH A BETTER, MORE POSITIVE THOUGHT.  Most often, the things that we think are just the way it has to be is just an assumption that at some point we decided to agree with.  First, we must stop agreeing!  Replace ‘There is no way I can learn that new computer program’ with ‘I may not be the best at it and it may take me some time, but I am willing to give a try at that new computer program.’  Stop feeding the negative chatter with time and attention.  If we stop feeding the negative chatter and start feeding a more positive belief/thought, the old one will die and the new one will blossom and flourish!  We need to follow the advice of Aristotle (ancient Greek philosopher and scientist), “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit.”  We can substitute positive in place of excellence in his advice.  Make being positive your habit.

GET RID OF THE NEGATIVE “TAPE” PLAYING IN YOUR HEAD.  Those constant negative thoughts, negative beliefs really take a toll on us.  Avoid judging and labeling stuff as bad or not worthy or not capable.  These beliefs truly limit us and hold us back.  Create a list of things to do (I really want to learn that new computer program).  Next, create a list of reasons what is preventing those things from happening (I’m too old to learn something new; I don’t have the time to learn the new computer program; Computer stuff is too hard).  While some things on your list may be accurate, what things aren’t?  It is the inaccurate (the negative) beliefs that need to be changed?

WORK TOWARD A CALMER SELF.  When we are relaxed and calm, there seems to be less negative chatter and we seem to have more control over our thoughts.  When we worry and are stressed, we lose control over the chatter and the worst of thoughts have a way of gaining a foothold.  So it behooves us to remain calm, cool, and collected and to stay in the present as much as possible.  Do whatever it takes to stay relaxed.  Meditate.  (Meditation is a great way to quiet the fear-based negative chatter in our minds.)  Practice deep breathing.  Employ visualization techniques.  Color. (Pick up one of the adult coloring books and let your inner child help you calm down.)  Say a mantra.

“We are what we think,” taught Buddha (ascetic and sage).   So, why not think and be positive?  Feed the positive.  Starve the negative. Remember, the more we focus on the positive, on hope and possibilities, the more likely our actions will reflect that.   Conversely, the more we focus on the negative, on our fears and frustrations, we are more likely to find more of which to be fearful or frustrated about.  Make it a goal to quiet the negative chatter; starve it and allow the positive chatter to blossom and grow.  Live with thoughts of hope and a positive tomorrow!!

LISTENING TO OUR INNER VOICE

Growing up in the 1950s and 60s, it was common to have movies of the 1930s and 40s shown on television. I especially enjoyed Shirley Temple movies. I thought I had seen just about every Shirley Temple movie ever, so imagine my surprise to come upon The Blue Bird (1940) starring Shirley Temple. Not familiar with this one, I watched it and while doing so, I couldn’t help but see many parallels between this movie and The Wizard of Oz.

In both movies, the lead characters (Mytyl in The Blue Bird and Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz) are both searching for something (happiness and a way home) and they do so in a dream or dreamlike state. They both have a “guardian” of sorts helping them on their journeys (Fairy Berylune and  Glinda the Good Witch of the North).  Both girls have interesting traveling companions and both girls meet some dangerous characters along the way. And, in the end, both girls discover that what they were searching for was near or within them all the time.

Reflecting on these movies, especially the searching for something, got me to thinking about how we are often in pursuit of something whether it be happiness (which could be in the form of a new job or a new relationship or whatever), money, recognition or freedom from something (you can your own personal item to the list). And, I think we especially pursue something when we are dealing with change of any kind. We tend to seek a return to what once was, stability, the strength to persevere, answers as to why whatever happened happened to us, etc.

And, like Mytyl, Dorothy, and their friends, we often begin our pursuit of whatever looking to people, places, and things external to us while overlooking everything close especially our own, wise inner voice. We all need to pay more attention to what is close at hand especially our inner voice. Our inner voice speaks from both the heart and the head. It combines feelings and emotions as well as our rational thoughts.  Bonnie Bell, principal and director of Career/Life/Coaching describes our inner voice as a “personal Geiger counter.” A Geiger counter detects radiation. Our personal Geiger counters detect what feels right; what to pursue.

Our inner voice is the part of us that is able to view the bigger picture and because of that is a tremendous guide in helping us navigate the pathways through the lessons of life and to that bigger picture. There are some advantages to listening to our inner voice. We can save time and energy by pursuing what is meaningful to us (avoiding journeys fraught with peril and challenges). Because our inner voice usually speaks to us when we are quiet, still, or relaxed, stress levels can be greatly reduced. (Think of the stress both Mytyl and Dorothy were under on their journeys due to the challenges they and their friends faced.) Listening to our inner voice helps increase our trust level which helps with decision making.

If you aren’t used to listening to your inner voice, here a few suggestions to help you develop inner voice listening skills:

1. Quiet your mind and spend some silent, private time with yourself.
2. Find personal meaning in what is going on around or happening to you.
3. Reflect on your values. Emotions should work in concert with your values.
4. Trust your intuition and gut level feelings. Believe in yourself!
5. Have a willingness to embrace change. (Often our inner voice tells us to move in a direction we may not have thought of. We have to be willing to move in the direction of that change,)
6. Avoid overthinking the situation/issue. (The past is the past. The future hasn’t happened. Concentrate on the here and now and what is truly important right now.)
7. Eliminate negative chatter from your mind.

Steve Jobs has said, “Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important (sic), have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” The next time you are faced with a major decision or think you want something, before taking any action, indulge in some quiet time with yourself. Allow your inner voice a chance to put its “two cents worth” into the discussion. Reflect on what it is telling you for therein lies the key to unlocking the way for whatever you may be pursuing.