QUIETING THE NEGATIVE CHATTER IN OUR MIND

“A grandfather is talking with his grandson and he says there are two wolves inside of us which are always at war with each other. 

One of them is a good wolf which represents things like kindness, bravery and love. The other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed, hatred and fear.

The grandson stops and thinks about it for a second then he looks up at his grandfather and says, “Grandfather, which one wins?”

The grandfather quietly replies,  the one you feed.” (A Tale of Two Wolves, Cherokee Proverb)

 Do you ever find yourself in conflict with as American author Stephen King calls it “…a voice from the attic of my mind” (from an excerpted college newspaper column, king’s garbage truck, in Hearts in Suspension, page 222) or the chatter in your mind?  Does your chatter have a good and bad side?  A positive and negative side?  An optimistic (cheery) and a pessimistic (gloomy) side?

In the story above, this inner voice or the chatter in our mind is depicted as two wolves.  Which wolf, which inner voice, do you find yourself feeding?  Fueling?  Is it the positive, cheery one or the negative, gloomy one?  Does the situation you find yourself in determine which one you feed and choose to give strength to?

  Personally, no matter the situation, I try to feed my good wolf.  I try to do what is necessary to give it strength to get me through the challenging, tough, and rough moments in my life.  I have found it to be more productive in the long run to be positive and optimistic no matter what.  But what if the bad wolf is the stronger one, the one who seems to control responses and reactions?   When the bad wolf seems to be getting in the way of dealing productively with a situation, then we need to diminish its strength and quiet it which may allow the good wolf to gain control.

Some things we can do to tame the bad wolf and quiet that negative chatter are:

LIMIT THE ATTENTION GIVEN THE NEGATIVE CHATTER.  Avoid allowing the negative chatter to dominate thoughts.  Any emotions we are feeling need to be dealt with; however, we must not dwell on any of the emotional lows (anger, fear, sadness, frustration, sorrow).  If we give the emotional lows all the attention, they will overtake everything.  Instead, we need to acknowledge them but move on to understanding and using positive chatter – hope, belief, solution – to help us move to what can and will be.

STOP IDENTIFYING WITH THE NEGATIVE CHATTER.   We need to avoid defining ourselves based on the negative chatter.  American industrialist Henry Ford said, “Whether you believe you can do a thing or not, you are right.”   If we tell ourselves enough times that we can’t or shouldn’t or don’t deserve or… then we won’t be able to or won’t get whatever we are striving for.  We shouldn’t be afraid to question why we think that way.

REFRAME THE NEGATIVE CHATTER.  Sometimes just tweaking what the “bad wolf” is telling us may help allow what the “good wolf” is saying to come to the forefront.  Think about it?  Which statement gives you more hope?  ‘I’m having a bad day.’  or ‘I’m having a bad moment today.’  The second statement is an example of a “good wolf” thought – in the 24 hours I am given today, these five minutes are not good ones.  There is a huge difference in our perception when we put the chatter in a workable context.

REPLACE THE NEGATIVE CHATTER WITH A BETTER, MORE POSITIVE THOUGHT.  Most often, the things that we think are just the way it has to be is just an assumption that at some point we decided to agree with.  First, we must stop agreeing!  Replace ‘There is no way I can learn that new computer program’ with ‘I may not be the best at it and it may take me some time, but I am willing to give a try at that new computer program.’  Stop feeding the negative chatter with time and attention.  If we stop feeding the negative chatter and start feeding a more positive belief/thought, the old one will die and the new one will blossom and flourish!  We need to follow the advice of Aristotle (ancient Greek philosopher and scientist), “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit.”  We can substitute positive in place of excellence in his advice.  Make being positive your habit.

GET RID OF THE NEGATIVE “TAPE” PLAYING IN YOUR HEAD.  Those constant negative thoughts, negative beliefs really take a toll on us.  Avoid judging and labeling stuff as bad or not worthy or not capable.  These beliefs truly limit us and hold us back.  Create a list of things to do (I really want to learn that new computer program).  Next, create a list of reasons what is preventing those things from happening (I’m too old to learn something new; I don’t have the time to learn the new computer program; Computer stuff is too hard).  While some things on your list may be accurate, what things aren’t?  It is the inaccurate (the negative) beliefs that need to be changed?

WORK TOWARD A CALMER SELF.  When we are relaxed and calm, there seems to be less negative chatter and we seem to have more control over our thoughts.  When we worry and are stressed, we lose control over the chatter and the worst of thoughts have a way of gaining a foothold.  So it behooves us to remain calm, cool, and collected and to stay in the present as much as possible.  Do whatever it takes to stay relaxed.  Meditate.  (Meditation is a great way to quiet the fear-based negative chatter in our minds.)  Practice deep breathing.  Employ visualization techniques.  Color. (Pick up one of the adult coloring books and let your inner child help you calm down.)  Say a mantra.

“We are what we think,” taught Buddha (ascetic and sage).   So, why not think and be positive?  Feed the positive.  Starve the negative. Remember, the more we focus on the positive, on hope and possibilities, the more likely our actions will reflect that.   Conversely, the more we focus on the negative, on our fears and frustrations, we are more likely to find more of which to be fearful or frustrated about.  Make it a goal to quiet the negative chatter; starve it and allow the positive chatter to blossom and grow.  Live with thoughts of hope and a positive tomorrow!!

NICE AND EASY DOES IT!

The past two weeks, we’ve explored change from the standpoint of making adaptations and transformations to negotiate the changed environment. This week, I want to focus on the approach or attitude of easy going as a useful change strategy.

Abraham Lincoln is credited with the following observation: most people for most of the time can choose how happy or stressed, how relaxed or troubled, how bright or dull their outlook will be. In dealing with change, a choice that will help us be productive and effective in our ability to negotiate the change is to be easy going. This means we are: relaxed, happy, calm, not rigid, not demanding nor stressful. How nice it would be to have 365 days where our lifestyle has a sense of calmness and serenity 24/7. While an admirable goal, it is probably unrealistic to think we can have 365 days, 24/7 of peace and serenity, especially when change happens. Problems, frustrations, anxieties, fears, etc. all get in the way. However, if you tap into being more easy going, into taking time to relax, you can come close to having peaceful, calm, serene days or days where the majority of time/moments are peaceful, calm, or serene.

When you are relaxed, when you make it a priority to be easy going, you are content and have an inner peace; a feeling of satisfaction and happiness with what is going on in your life, even the changes. This is so important when dealing with change, especially unexpected change. When our world gets rocked to its core, when the shift out of our comfort zone is a gigantic one, our first reaction may be one of worry. How am I going to deal with this? I just can’t go on! Why did this happen? While normal, this type of reaction doesn’t help deal with the change. This type of reaction is good for raising your stress level and if that can be avoided, all the better for you.

A better reaction is to keep things in perspective and look for the positive in the change. This will help relax you and help you become more easy going. So, what can you do to live a more relaxed lifestyle day in and day out? How can you be more easy going?

Don’t worry, be happy. Follow the advice in Bobby McFerrin’s song, Don’t Worry, Be Happy. In life there are many things to get us down.   Going down with them makes it very hard to come back up. Instead of worrying about all the stresses in your life, deal with them. Don’t them let get to you.   Maintain a positive attitude. Unclutter your mind. Rid your mind of worries, fears, and guilt.

Focus on what is truly important. Make a list of all the things that are most meaningful, most important to you. Begin to let go of “stuff” in your life that doesn’t make the list; this is the “stuff” that interferes with you being easy going.

Be an historian. Historians study the past to learn from it. It should be the same with you. Avoid dwelling on things that happened in the past. If mistakes were made, learn from them. You will be able to be more relaxed, more easy going if you aren’t fearing making a mistake.

Get organized. The more clutter in your life, the more stressed and unrelaxed you will be. Declutter. Get rid of stuff you no longer use. Organize what is left. Adopt ‘everything in its place and a place for everything’ as your motto.

Avoid energy vampires and drama queens. If you want to be relaxed and easy going, you need to surround yourself with people who brighten your day. Those that are negative or those that make “mountains out of mole hills” will just drain you. The more positive energy around you, the more relaxed and easy going you’ll be. As Gandhi said, “Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behavior. Keep your behavior positive because your behavior becomes your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.”

Make every moment of every day count. Time is too important to waste. Streamline your life by finding efficient ways of doing things. Simplify your lifestyle if needed. Take stock of the number of things in which you are involved and the ‘rate of return’ on each. You might need to eliminate those whose ‘yield’ is low.  
Get your giggle going. There are many physical and mental health benefits as well as social benefits to laughing.   Among other things, laughter decreases loneliness, anger, and depression, all things that get in the way of being relaxed and easy going.   Laughter adds joy and zest to life, relieves stress, improves mood, and enhances resilience. All of these are factors in being more relaxed and easy going.

Take a break! Once in a while, you need to make time for you. When you start to feel stressed, take a short break and relax. Practice stress reduction and relaxation techniques. Meditate. Foster inner peace.

Adopt an attitude of gratitude. We often take the wonderful things in our life for granted. Focus on the good, the positive aspects of your life. Make a list. Focusing on the blessings in your life is a great way of helping you stay relaxed.

I started off by saying how nice it would be to have 365 days where our lifestyle has a sense of calmness and serenity 24/7. And, yes, while this is a challenge for all of us, we can move closer to it (especially when change is trying to steal our peace and serenity) if you work at being more easy going and relaxed. Richard Carlson, in the introduction to the book Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff writes, “Whenever we’re dealing with bad news, a difficult person, or a disappointment of some kind, most of us get into certain habits, ways of reacting to life – particularly adversity – that don’t serve us very well. We overreact, blow things out of proportion, hold on too tightly, and focus on the negative aspects of life. When we are immobilized by little things…our (over-) reactions not only make us frustrated but actually get in the way of getting what we want.”   Begin to replace old habits of reaction with new habits of perspective. Implement the techniques introduced here and remember Reinhold Niebuhr’s Serenity Prayer, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”