QUIETING THE NEGATIVE CHATTER IN OUR MIND

“A grandfather is talking with his grandson and he says there are two wolves inside of us which are always at war with each other. 

One of them is a good wolf which represents things like kindness, bravery and love. The other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed, hatred and fear.

The grandson stops and thinks about it for a second then he looks up at his grandfather and says, “Grandfather, which one wins?”

The grandfather quietly replies,  the one you feed.” (A Tale of Two Wolves, Cherokee Proverb)

 Do you ever find yourself in conflict with as American author Stephen King calls it “…a voice from the attic of my mind” (from an excerpted college newspaper column, king’s garbage truck, in Hearts in Suspension, page 222) or the chatter in your mind?  Does your chatter have a good and bad side?  A positive and negative side?  An optimistic (cheery) and a pessimistic (gloomy) side?

In the story above, this inner voice or the chatter in our mind is depicted as two wolves.  Which wolf, which inner voice, do you find yourself feeding?  Fueling?  Is it the positive, cheery one or the negative, gloomy one?  Does the situation you find yourself in determine which one you feed and choose to give strength to?

  Personally, no matter the situation, I try to feed my good wolf.  I try to do what is necessary to give it strength to get me through the challenging, tough, and rough moments in my life.  I have found it to be more productive in the long run to be positive and optimistic no matter what.  But what if the bad wolf is the stronger one, the one who seems to control responses and reactions?   When the bad wolf seems to be getting in the way of dealing productively with a situation, then we need to diminish its strength and quiet it which may allow the good wolf to gain control.

Some things we can do to tame the bad wolf and quiet that negative chatter are:

LIMIT THE ATTENTION GIVEN THE NEGATIVE CHATTER.  Avoid allowing the negative chatter to dominate thoughts.  Any emotions we are feeling need to be dealt with; however, we must not dwell on any of the emotional lows (anger, fear, sadness, frustration, sorrow).  If we give the emotional lows all the attention, they will overtake everything.  Instead, we need to acknowledge them but move on to understanding and using positive chatter – hope, belief, solution – to help us move to what can and will be.

STOP IDENTIFYING WITH THE NEGATIVE CHATTER.   We need to avoid defining ourselves based on the negative chatter.  American industrialist Henry Ford said, “Whether you believe you can do a thing or not, you are right.”   If we tell ourselves enough times that we can’t or shouldn’t or don’t deserve or… then we won’t be able to or won’t get whatever we are striving for.  We shouldn’t be afraid to question why we think that way.

REFRAME THE NEGATIVE CHATTER.  Sometimes just tweaking what the “bad wolf” is telling us may help allow what the “good wolf” is saying to come to the forefront.  Think about it?  Which statement gives you more hope?  ‘I’m having a bad day.’  or ‘I’m having a bad moment today.’  The second statement is an example of a “good wolf” thought – in the 24 hours I am given today, these five minutes are not good ones.  There is a huge difference in our perception when we put the chatter in a workable context.

REPLACE THE NEGATIVE CHATTER WITH A BETTER, MORE POSITIVE THOUGHT.  Most often, the things that we think are just the way it has to be is just an assumption that at some point we decided to agree with.  First, we must stop agreeing!  Replace ‘There is no way I can learn that new computer program’ with ‘I may not be the best at it and it may take me some time, but I am willing to give a try at that new computer program.’  Stop feeding the negative chatter with time and attention.  If we stop feeding the negative chatter and start feeding a more positive belief/thought, the old one will die and the new one will blossom and flourish!  We need to follow the advice of Aristotle (ancient Greek philosopher and scientist), “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit.”  We can substitute positive in place of excellence in his advice.  Make being positive your habit.

GET RID OF THE NEGATIVE “TAPE” PLAYING IN YOUR HEAD.  Those constant negative thoughts, negative beliefs really take a toll on us.  Avoid judging and labeling stuff as bad or not worthy or not capable.  These beliefs truly limit us and hold us back.  Create a list of things to do (I really want to learn that new computer program).  Next, create a list of reasons what is preventing those things from happening (I’m too old to learn something new; I don’t have the time to learn the new computer program; Computer stuff is too hard).  While some things on your list may be accurate, what things aren’t?  It is the inaccurate (the negative) beliefs that need to be changed?

WORK TOWARD A CALMER SELF.  When we are relaxed and calm, there seems to be less negative chatter and we seem to have more control over our thoughts.  When we worry and are stressed, we lose control over the chatter and the worst of thoughts have a way of gaining a foothold.  So it behooves us to remain calm, cool, and collected and to stay in the present as much as possible.  Do whatever it takes to stay relaxed.  Meditate.  (Meditation is a great way to quiet the fear-based negative chatter in our minds.)  Practice deep breathing.  Employ visualization techniques.  Color. (Pick up one of the adult coloring books and let your inner child help you calm down.)  Say a mantra.

“We are what we think,” taught Buddha (ascetic and sage).   So, why not think and be positive?  Feed the positive.  Starve the negative. Remember, the more we focus on the positive, on hope and possibilities, the more likely our actions will reflect that.   Conversely, the more we focus on the negative, on our fears and frustrations, we are more likely to find more of which to be fearful or frustrated about.  Make it a goal to quiet the negative chatter; starve it and allow the positive chatter to blossom and grow.  Live with thoughts of hope and a positive tomorrow!!

ASSUME THE BEST WILL HAPPEN

 

I have a relative whose mindset is set on negative and who always thinks the worst is going to happen.  Are you like this or know someone like this?  We often develop a certain mindset about how things are or ought to be.  As John Milton (English poet best known for his epic poem Paradise Lost) said, “The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of Hell, a hell of Heaven.”

Our mindset consists of beliefs and beliefs are thoughts that are repeated over and over for a period of time that determine how we respond to situations.   And the longer we think that something can or can’t happen or that something bad is going to happen, the more we believe that thought and the more we act accordingly.  Indeed, our mindset is very powerful.  It can control us; it can hold us back from doing things and in times of change, it can definitely hold us back from accepting or dealing with the change and moving forward.

There are many like my relative whose mindset defaults to the negative.  This week, I would like to share with you some of the tips that I have shared with this relative that may help in shifting the default from the negative to something more positive, hopeful, and pleasant.

Practice positive self-talk.   We are what we think.  If we think negative, we will be negative.  If we think we can’t, we won’t be able to.  If we think we can, we will be able to.  If we repeat positive thoughts, our mind will begin to focus on what we want rather than on what we do not want.  If we feed our mind positive, it will weaken the negative.

Believe we are worthy.  Replace the self-limiting tape that our mindset might be playing with a newer one that contains the truth – we are worthy to have our heart’s desire.  Stay strong in the belief in yourself.  As Denis Waitley said, “If you believe you can, you probably can. If you believe you won’t, you most assuredly won’t. Belief is the ignition switch that gets you off the launching pad.”  

 Learn from failure.   View mistakes or failures not as the ‘end of the world’ but rather as learning opportunities.  To look back at a circumstance and figure out what went wrong gives you some very important information. This review allows you to evaluate what worked and what didn’t, and more importantly, why. Often when you are removed from a situation, you can look at it more objectively which will allow you to make better choices.

Find people who are successful in doing what you need to or want to do and use them as role models.  Align yourself with their way of thinking, with their mindset.  Get inspired by them.  What did they do to assume the best will happen?

Know what you want.  This isn’t about the how, only the what. In order to change your mindset you need a firm foundation from which to step. Understanding what and where you want to go in life will provide your vision and spirit – your foundation.   Have a vision for what you want.  Set goals to reach that vision; these goals will help shape your mindset.  And, keep the big picture in mind.

Take things in stride.   Much happens in our lives and most of it involves situations over which we have no control.   We often let these situations upset us and make us think that we can’t do something or that something worse is yet in store.  Avoid letting situations out of your control upset you.  Learn to relax.  Learn to go with the flow and to take things in stride.  And, learn to look for the good or the positive in every situation.

Control your reaction.  You do control your destiny.  While things may happen that are beyond your control, you do have control over how to deal with the situation. As Brian Tracy said, “You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.”  The same philosophy applies when assuming the best will happen.  You are in control of how you handle the things that happen.  Maintain an attitude that assumes the best and nothing less.

Reach out to a touchstone.  When you are focused on the negative, connect with a friend who practices positive thinking. Have that friend help you put things in perspective and explore different outcomes for what you think is going to be so bad.

Stay focused.  When you let your mind wander there is a good chance that it will wander to the “dark side” and have you thinking of the negative instead of the positive, especially if you have any worries about the unknown or a changed environment.  If you keep your mind focused on the present, you have a better chance of avoiding negative, unpleasant, or unproductive thoughts.

Take action.  When you worry about things and think the worst will happen you can become paralyzed by fear.  Rather than just worrying, think carefully about what practical steps you can take to deal with the issue.

Meditate.  Daily meditation, instead of worrying about the worst that might happen, may help you move beyond negative thoughts. With meditation, you purposefully pay attention to what is happening at the present moment without thinking of the future or the negative what ifs.

Our mindset and our thoughts are indeed very powerful.  Use that power to make a better, more positive, happier life for yourself and others.  Especially in times of change, think and assume the best will happen.  Thinking the opposite will often stop you from enjoying your life.  Thinking the opposite only brings you down and can bring you to a halt.  However, when you think and assume the best will happen you are more likely to work toward that end. And, in doing so, your will lead a happier and more fulfilled life (especially in times of change).

SPREAD GOOD VIBES

 

While walking through a retail store, I noticed a t-shirt whose message was “spread good vibes.”  What is it this message is actually asking us to spread? Yourdictionary.com defines vibes as emotional signals people gives out to those around them with their body language and social interactions.   Good vibes would then be signals that are enjoyable, pleasant, pleasurable, delightful, good, nice, fantastic (you can add other positive words to the list).   Someone spreading good vibes would most likely have a smile on their face, a pleasant disposition, and tend to see the positive in everything and everyone.

In an article titled “Good Vibes Only – What Does It Mean?” posted on the Bon Vita website, author Vex King tells us, “Most understand vibes as feelings, or primarily energy, and those who understand it a little deeper will link it to vibration, as everything around us is made up of vibrating energy.  We are all transmitters and receivers of vibrational frequencies. The vibrations we put out are ALWAYS pulling in stuff that’s vibrating at a similar frequency to us. Negative emotions vibrate at a lower pitch, while positive feelings such as joy and appreciation vibrate at the highest pitch of all. Whatever frequency we emit, the same or similar frequency is drawn to us. If you send out good vibes to the Universe – say for example, feelings of joy, then the Universe will give you back more things to feel joyful about.”

What signals do you emit? The chart below represents the Abraham-Hicks Emotional Scale. Use it to determine what vibes you most frequently emit. How about those around you? What vibes emanate from them? Obviously, if you or those around you tend to radiate good vibes then it is easier to deal with whatever comes your way (especially unwanted or unexpected change). Why is this you ask? Well, when we tend to focus on the positive (refer to the top three levels in the chart) it is easier to find the message, the good, the lesson within whatever we are facing. We don’t look for excuses as to why something happened. We don’t blame. We don’t do the “oh, woe is me” routine. Conversely, those who emanate negative vibes seem to wallow in the grief, fear, or anger (refer to the bottom three levels on the chart). Commonly heard might be: This is X’s fault. Why did this happen to me? Not again!

Notice on the chart that the positive vibes/feelings/emotions are at the top which gives them a higher status and more power, more energy. Those at the bottom, the more negative vibes/feelings/emotions are given a lower status and weaker energy.   As Vex King said in the quote in the second paragraph, “If you send out good vibes to the Universe – say for example, feelings of joy, then the Universe will give you back more things to feel joyful about.” This works because the higher we are on the chart, the stronger our energy/power to get or make happen what we want. Likewise, the lower we are on the chart the weaker our energy/power to make happen what we want which can lead to getting stuff we don’t welcome or want.

So, let’s focus on some things we can do to remain positive so we can spread and receive good vibes. ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR STARTING POINT ON THE EMOTIONAL SCALE CHART. Don’t freak out if your starting point is on one of the lower levels. That is OK. It just means that you will have to work a little longer to reach a state of positiveness. There may be solid reasons why you are on one of the lower levels. Review what happened or is happening to make you feel the way you do. Give yourself permission to feel the emotion or to project the blame. Allow yourself to slowly get rid of the negative emotion/energy. Begin to work your way up the chart. If your starting point is on one of the upper levels, wonderful. Continue to do whatever you are doing to remain there.

VISIT WITH YOUR INNER CHILD. Our inner child is the part of us that takes us back to a time when: we were free spirits; our imaginations would run wild; we were creative beyond reason; our days were filled with laugher, fun, joy, and play; we were wildly happy about anything and everything; when cardboard boxes became houses, cars, airplanes or caves; curiosity drove a lot of what we did; we weren’t afraid to take a risk or make a mistake; we bounced back from any type of daily disruption; we lived in the moment.

LIVE IN THE MOMENT. Be present now. Let the past go for a moment and don’t think about the future for a moment. Get into what is happening here and now.

MEDITATE.  Meditation is a practice of concentrated focus (usually upon a sound, object, visualization, the breath, or movement) designed to increase awareness of the present moment as well as reduce stress, promote relaxation, and enrich personal and spiritual growth.  People who meditate are more likely to be filled with positive emotions such as joy, peace, and happiness.

ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE; ELIMINATE THE NEGATIVE.  Do your best to start each day on a positive note. Tell yourself that this is going to be a great day!  Take everything in stride.  Look for the positive in all that is going on.  Smile.  Laugh. Try to eliminate as many negatives from thoughts, words, and actions as possible.  Try banning words such as no, I don’t like, I can’t, but…

AVOID DRAMA QUEENS AND ENERGY VAMPIRES. If you want to be more positive, you need to surround yourself with people who brighten your day. Those that are negative or those that make “mountains out of mole hills” will just drain you. The more positive energy around you, the more relaxed and easy going you’ll be. As Gandhi said, “Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behavior. Keep your behavior positive because your behavior becomes your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.”

 

  

FOCUS ON WHAT IS TRULY IMPORTANT. Make a list of all the things that are most meaningful, most important to you. Begin to let go of “stuff” in your life that doesn’t make the list; this is the “stuff” that interferes with you being positive.

GET YOUR GIGGLE GOING. There are many physical and mental health benefits as well as social benefits to laughing.   Among other things, laughter decreases loneliness, anger, and depression, all things that get in the way of being positive.   Laughter adds joy and zest to life, relieves stress, improves mood, and enhances resilience. All of these are factors in being more positive.

CONNECT WITH TOUCHSTONES. Friends and family are a good source of emotional boosts which can help you maintain good vibes. So, stay in contact in whatever way works for you – phone, text, email, Facebook or other social media sites, personal visits.

VOLUNTEER. Volunteering your time and talents is a great way to make you feel good about yourself. Volunteering connects you to others, giving you the opportunity to make new friends and increase your social skills. Spending time helping people is good for your body, mind, and soul.

Since we attract the energy we give off, for us to truly enjoy life we need to think positively and do our part to spread good vibes. The late Yogi Bhajan ( a yogi, spiritual teacher, and entrepreneur) said, “May yourself so happy so that when others look at you they become happy too.” Let this be our goal for the coming week. Let’s make ourselves so happy, so good at spreading good vibes that those whom we encounter “catch” those vibes and happiness. Let’s all do our part in our small section of the world to spread as many good vibes as possible.

DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF

Last Monday was the first day for residents in our township to use our new 65-gallon recycling carts. Very specific instructions came with these carts: what materials would be accepted; what materials would not be accepted; what way they must face; and, what distance they must be from garbage cans, mailboxes, vehicles. The former recycling bins were no longer  to be used.   I noticed that some of my neighbors still had their former bin out. Some had the new cart right up against their garbage can.  And , others had their carts facing the wrong way.

I happened to be outside when the waste management truck came up our hill, and I watched to see how the driver would handle everything. The truck is equipped with automated arms that are used to pick up the carts and dump the recyclables into the truck. BUT, the arms are only on one side of the truck.  (Our road is a short one that dead ends at the top of the hill.  Only way for this type of truck to work on our road is for it to come up and do one side, back down, then back up to do the other side.)  At each house, the driver had to get out the truck, walk to the other side of the road, roll the cart to the truck, line it up, and then activate the arms to do their “thing” with the cart. (OK, so much for automation and a time saver for the driver!) Seeing this, my husband went over and asked him if it would be helpful if we all put the carts on the same side of the road for him. His response, “It doesn’t matter. This is fine.” He further went on to say, “No big deal. This is day one of the new system. We’ll see how things work out.” 
I LOVED this man’s response. Rather than being angry or upset over having to do a lot of extra work, he just took things in stride. Right away, “don’t sweat the small stuff” popped into my mind. His reaction to the change in how he did his job got me to thinking that the philosophy of “don’t sweat the small stuff” is a good one for all of us to follow when we are dealing with change.

The term “don’t sweat the small stuff…and it’s all small stuff” was coined by Dr. Wayne Dyer after a foreign publisher used an endorsement by Dr. Dyer from a previous publication for a current book by Richard Carlson for which permission hadn’t been received.   Dr. Carlson wrote an apology to Dr. Dyer, explaining the situation and all that he was doing to rectify the situation. Dr. Dyer responded to Dr. Carlson with the following, “Richard. There are two rules for living in harmony. #1) Don’t sweat the small stuff and #2) It’s all small stuff. Let the quote stand. Love, Wayne.”

 

The phrase comes from the book by the same name written by Richard Carlson. In the introduction to the book he writes, “Whenever we’re dealing with bad news, a difficult person, or a disappointment of some kind, most of us get into certain habits, ways of reacting to life – particularly adversity – that don’t serve us very well. We overreact, blow things out of proportion, hold on too tightly, and focus on the negative aspects of life. When we are immobilized by little things…our (over-) reactions not only make us frustrated but actually get in the way of getting what we want.”

Those words describe how many of us react to change. We may overreact, we may blow things out of proportion, we may hold on too tightly to what was, and we may focus on the negative of what is happening in the changed environment. In times of change, we need to learn how to replace our old habits of reaction with new habits of perspective (ah, my waste management worker was practicing “new habits of perspective” on his route day one with the new carts). So, this week, I’d like to explore some strategies that will help you do just that and that will help you respond to life and the changes it brings a little “more gracefully.” 
Don’t sweat the small stuff tells us to not worry about little problems, trivial or unimportant issues, nor to worry about things that are not important. Easier said than done, right? Why is it so hard to not sweat the small stuff? It is hard because worry tends to be a type of overthinking where we focus on things that are out of our control (as can be so much of the stuff in a changed environment). Winston Churchill once said, “When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.” So, what are some things we can do to practice not sweating the small stuff?

Keep Things in Perspective. Don’t be overwhelmed by small things; try to see the bigger picture. For whatever is worrying/bothering/causing you concern, how big a deal is it really? What effect is the issue really having on your life? Is it truly important or is it a “side” issue? If truly important, stop worrying and just take action. If insignificant, stop worrying, don’t give it any importance, and move on. 

Stay Focused. When you let your mind wander, there is a good chance that it will wander to the “dark side” and have you thinking of the negative instead of the positive, especially if you are worried about the changed environment.  If you keep your mind focused on the present, you have a better chance of avoiding unpleasant and unproductive thoughts. 

Control Your Thoughts. Jon Gordon, in his book The Shark and The Goldfish, said, “If you think your best days are ahead of you, they are. If you think your best days are behind you, they are.” You are in control of your thoughts. The key to reducing anxiety and worry is learning the ability to control your thoughts.  You have the ability to decide which thoughts to pursue and which thoughts to reject. Learning that you control you mind is the first step to beating worry.

Today is What is Important. Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday. Yesterday happened, tomorrow is not here yet, so all we really have is today. A common source of worry is using too much mental energy on the past or future. This is not to say that you should not plan for the future or take into consideration things from the past, but many of us spend too much time worrying about what has happened or what could happen. Try to take the unknowns of life and put them in the back of your mind, instead of trying to figure out every solution. You will be surprised about how many times answers will come to you when you are able to do this.

Delay Worrying. If you find yourself worried about something that has not yet happened, try telling yourself, “let me worry about this tomorrow; there is no need to worry about it today because it won’t happen for quite a while anyway.” Whenever the issue comes to mind, just delay worrying for another day. The fact is that most worries never occur; delaying them is just a clever way of dealing with our negative mind. The nature of our mind is to create problems and things to worry about, but this is a way to forget about them.

Take Action. When we worry about things we can become paralyzed by fear. Rather than just worrying, think very carefully about what practical steps you can take to deal with the issue.  If you just worry and feel powerless the issue will not go away, but will continue to take up space in the back of your mind. By taking action and working towards a resolution you will feel like you have more control over the issue.  Some issues shouldn’t be ignored and may require action; however, for other worries there are no steps that you can take because the worry is mostly imaginary. If you realize there is nothing you can actually do, this is a very good reason to stop worrying about it.

Learn to relax. Relaxation techniques are a great way to reduce anxiety and worries. They can also increase your ability to self-manage stress. Practiced regularly, relaxation techniques can counteract the debilitating effects of stress. Common relaxation techniques include deep breathing, guided imagery, meditation, listening to calming music, and activities like yoga and tai chi. 

Meditate. Daily meditation — instead of worrying — may help you move beyond negative thoughts and worries. With meditation, you purposefully pay attention to what is happening at the present moment without thinking of the past or future.

Have a strong social network.  We have talked a lot about the importance of having “touchstones” in our life especially when dealing with change. Our ‘touchstones’ can help us put things in perspective and help us stay focused. Sharing with them what we’re going through, venting to them, or just having them listen to what we’re worried about will go a long way helping us ‘not sweat the small stuff.’ Remember, friends provide a measure of stability that is most helpful when dealing with change. They listen, they encourage, they provide suggestions and advice, and they are just there to provide whatever support may be needed.

Talk to a professional therapist.  If you have tried the suggestions above, but still find that you are an ‘excessive worrier,’ you might benefit from professional counseling. A counselor or therapist can help you develop appropriate coping strategies to deal with issues that trigger excessive worrying.

There are always things to worry about, but, as it has often been said, worrying is not going to help. Shantideva’s advice is appropriate: “If the problem can be solved then why worry? If the problem cannot be solved, worrying will do you no good.” Either take practical steps to deal with the problem or don’t waste your time worrying about unnecessary things (or sweating the small stuff). The key is to live in the present moment; when we worry we are thinking of the future or past and this prevents us from enjoying the present moment. To reduce worries and anxieties is not to ignore problems – it means we work toward solutions rather than just thinking of bad outcomes. As Dr. Dyer says, “There are two rules for living in harmony. #1) Don’t sweat the small stuff and #2) It’s all small stuff.”  I hope that your coming days are full of harmony because you are no longer sweating the small stuff!

NICE AND EASY DOES IT!

The past two weeks, we’ve explored change from the standpoint of making adaptations and transformations to negotiate the changed environment. This week, I want to focus on the approach or attitude of easy going as a useful change strategy.

Abraham Lincoln is credited with the following observation: most people for most of the time can choose how happy or stressed, how relaxed or troubled, how bright or dull their outlook will be. In dealing with change, a choice that will help us be productive and effective in our ability to negotiate the change is to be easy going. This means we are: relaxed, happy, calm, not rigid, not demanding nor stressful. How nice it would be to have 365 days where our lifestyle has a sense of calmness and serenity 24/7. While an admirable goal, it is probably unrealistic to think we can have 365 days, 24/7 of peace and serenity, especially when change happens. Problems, frustrations, anxieties, fears, etc. all get in the way. However, if you tap into being more easy going, into taking time to relax, you can come close to having peaceful, calm, serene days or days where the majority of time/moments are peaceful, calm, or serene.

When you are relaxed, when you make it a priority to be easy going, you are content and have an inner peace; a feeling of satisfaction and happiness with what is going on in your life, even the changes. This is so important when dealing with change, especially unexpected change. When our world gets rocked to its core, when the shift out of our comfort zone is a gigantic one, our first reaction may be one of worry. How am I going to deal with this? I just can’t go on! Why did this happen? While normal, this type of reaction doesn’t help deal with the change. This type of reaction is good for raising your stress level and if that can be avoided, all the better for you.

A better reaction is to keep things in perspective and look for the positive in the change. This will help relax you and help you become more easy going. So, what can you do to live a more relaxed lifestyle day in and day out? How can you be more easy going?

Don’t worry, be happy. Follow the advice in Bobby McFerrin’s song, Don’t Worry, Be Happy. In life there are many things to get us down.   Going down with them makes it very hard to come back up. Instead of worrying about all the stresses in your life, deal with them. Don’t them let get to you.   Maintain a positive attitude. Unclutter your mind. Rid your mind of worries, fears, and guilt.

Focus on what is truly important. Make a list of all the things that are most meaningful, most important to you. Begin to let go of “stuff” in your life that doesn’t make the list; this is the “stuff” that interferes with you being easy going.

Be an historian. Historians study the past to learn from it. It should be the same with you. Avoid dwelling on things that happened in the past. If mistakes were made, learn from them. You will be able to be more relaxed, more easy going if you aren’t fearing making a mistake.

Get organized. The more clutter in your life, the more stressed and unrelaxed you will be. Declutter. Get rid of stuff you no longer use. Organize what is left. Adopt ‘everything in its place and a place for everything’ as your motto.

Avoid energy vampires and drama queens. If you want to be relaxed and easy going, you need to surround yourself with people who brighten your day. Those that are negative or those that make “mountains out of mole hills” will just drain you. The more positive energy around you, the more relaxed and easy going you’ll be. As Gandhi said, “Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behavior. Keep your behavior positive because your behavior becomes your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.”

Make every moment of every day count. Time is too important to waste. Streamline your life by finding efficient ways of doing things. Simplify your lifestyle if needed. Take stock of the number of things in which you are involved and the ‘rate of return’ on each. You might need to eliminate those whose ‘yield’ is low.  
Get your giggle going. There are many physical and mental health benefits as well as social benefits to laughing.   Among other things, laughter decreases loneliness, anger, and depression, all things that get in the way of being relaxed and easy going.   Laughter adds joy and zest to life, relieves stress, improves mood, and enhances resilience. All of these are factors in being more relaxed and easy going.

Take a break! Once in a while, you need to make time for you. When you start to feel stressed, take a short break and relax. Practice stress reduction and relaxation techniques. Meditate. Foster inner peace.

Adopt an attitude of gratitude. We often take the wonderful things in our life for granted. Focus on the good, the positive aspects of your life. Make a list. Focusing on the blessings in your life is a great way of helping you stay relaxed.

I started off by saying how nice it would be to have 365 days where our lifestyle has a sense of calmness and serenity 24/7. And, yes, while this is a challenge for all of us, we can move closer to it (especially when change is trying to steal our peace and serenity) if you work at being more easy going and relaxed. Richard Carlson, in the introduction to the book Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff writes, “Whenever we’re dealing with bad news, a difficult person, or a disappointment of some kind, most of us get into certain habits, ways of reacting to life – particularly adversity – that don’t serve us very well. We overreact, blow things out of proportion, hold on too tightly, and focus on the negative aspects of life. When we are immobilized by little things…our (over-) reactions not only make us frustrated but actually get in the way of getting what we want.”   Begin to replace old habits of reaction with new habits of perspective. Implement the techniques introduced here and remember Reinhold Niebuhr’s Serenity Prayer, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”