“BE CURIOUS, NOT JUDGMENTAL “

Have you ever watched something happen to someone and thought, “Wow!  I’m glad that wasn’t me. Wonder what she or he did?”   I have thought that countless times over the years (and I must admit that judgmental thoughts do enter my mind when I see certain things going on).   Well, about a month ago, I got to be the one others looked saying “Wonder what she did?”

After exiting the body scanner at the Pittsburgh International Airport a female TSA (Transportation Security Administration) representative approached me and said, “We have to pat you down.”  I thought “seriously” but I did not utter those words.  She showed me the image of the body scan in which several areas of my body were glowing yellow, indicating potential trouble spots.  She asked if I wanted IT done right there or in a private room.  I chose right there (where everyone had a “front seat” at what was going on).   Well, I am sure the other travelers going through the screening process where thinking “I am glad that isn’t me.” Or, “Oooh, what did she do?  Or, “I hope I am not on her flight!” Or, “What is she hiding?”

I share this with you because when we watch someone going through something we start being judgmental without knowing the full story or all the facts.  American poet Walt Whitman said, “Be curious, not judgmental.”  This is sage advice for guiding actions toward ourselves, toward others, and toward things that happen to us on our life journey (especially unwanted or unexpected change).  This week, I would like to explore the concept of how curiosity vs judgmentalism is better for us when dealing with life situations.

Let’s start with judgmentalism.  When we are judgmental, we operate from a reactive frame of mind.  We tend to be critical of and look for fault in situations, ideas, or people and we tend to use labels with negative connotations, such as bad, stupid, flawed.  Jumping to conclusions and making assumptions is common.  I feel for many, being judgmental is our default mode when something happens.   Think about it.  We see a child throwing a tantrum and public and begin, among other things, assessing parenting skills.   We see someone on a street corner holding a sign asking for money and begin, among other things, criticizing a lack of work ethic.  We experience an unwanted or unexpected change and begin, among other things, talking about why it is unfair and won’t work.   When we are judgmental, we are overly critical in an unhelpful way.

How about when we are curious?  Curiosity is when we are eager to know or learn something; when we are inquisitive.  When we are curious, we operate from a more optimistic frame of mind.  We are more open minded, objective, and resist jumping to conclusions or making assumptions.  Curious people are more likely to look to understand a situation before passing judgment.  They are more tolerant of ambiguity and uncertainty.  Rather than seeing the fault in situations, they focus on getting to the root cause of issues and then attempt to deal with the situation creatively and innovatively.

Writer, author, and photographer Doe Zantamata tells us that when we are judgmental, we separate but when we approach things with understanding (and I would add curiosity), we grow.  So, what can we do to move ourselves from being judgmental to being curious?  We can:

Practice mindfulness.  Mindfulness is the intentionally-focused awareness of one’s immediate experience; it is being grounded in the present moment.  When we focus on the present moment, we become more aware of what is going on around us.  When we aren’t being present, we can become a victim to being judgmental.  The more we can focus on the here and now, the present moment, the more likely we are to counteract judgmentalism.

Be self-aware of our reactions to situations.  We need to take notice when we our thoughts are more critical and negative or when we let our feelings and emotions guide our responses to things.  Then we need to ask why did we go their first?  When we can recognize our judgmental actions and understand where they are coming from, we are better positioned to shift our responses to more positive (curious) ones.

Look beyond “the tip of the iceberg.”   When we see something, hear something, or have something unexpected or unwanted happen to us, we often have such an immediate reaction that we fail to see or try to discover the full picture.  Situations are complex. We don’t always know what led to them.  My Pittsburgh, PA, USA friend, Sydnee Bagovich, recently posted on Facebook, “…and every day I am reminded, and the message is strengthened: things are not always as they seem. In fact, things are very often quite different from how they seem. Be kind. Be patient. Be understanding. Be loving, people. We often have no idea what those around us are experiencing, just as they likely have no idea about us.”  Sydnee is right and in addition to her advice, we must first seek to understand before jumping to conclusions.

Watch our word choice.   The language (whether spoken or thought) we use reveals much about whether we are acting or thinking from a perspective of judgmentalism or one of curiosity.  The more negative, critical, or scornful, the more we are judging. The more positive, respectful, supportive, and understanding we are, the more we are operating from a perspective of curiosity.

Be more self-confident.  We often become judgmental because it makes us feel better about ourselves.  However, when we believe in ourselves and are solid with who we are, we don’t need to make judgments about others to elevate our self-esteem.

Someone said, “Before you assume, learn.  Before you judge, understand.  Before you hurt, feel. Before you say, think.”  Assuming, judging, and hurting are characteristic of judgmental behavior.  Learning, understanding, and feeling are characteristic of curiosity.  If we can be curious and not judgmental, how much better our lives will be as well as the lives of those we encounter.   If we can respect what is happening to us and to those we meet on our life journey, what a difference we can make for everyone.  We need to start with ourselves.  Begin practicing being more curious in the coming week and less judgmental. In doing so, we will be focusing on the things that really matter.

“RISING ABOVE ANYTHING LIFE CAN THROW AT YOU”

Joely Fisher (an American actress and singer), in an interview following the passing of her half-sister, Carrie Fisher, commented on the need to “rise above anything life can throw at you.”  Life does challenge us at times with things like loss (loved ones, relationships, jobs, homes…), seismic changes, illnesses, or tough choices.  Our ability to rise above anything that comes our way rests with our response, with our ability to adjust and adapt to what we are facing.

For most of us, it is hard to deal with life’s challenging moments.  Thinking about “rising above” is probably the last thing on our minds.  Sometimes it just feels easier to cocoon ourselves and not have to deal with anything.  While cocooning ourselves may make us feel good for a little bit, it does not help us deal with whatever happened and it does not help us move on.  Martin Short, an American comedian who lost his mother, father, and older brother during his adolescent years tells us, “Something terrible can happen to you, and yet, the day after this something terrible, the sun still rises, and life goes on.  And therefore, so must you.”

Since most of us have difficulty with rising above anything life can throw at us, let’s take some time this week to look at some things we can do to help us move forward.  We can:

Take an emotional time out.  It is our response, our reaction to whatever comes our way that determines our ability to rise above it and move on.  The initial, natural response is an emotional one.  Feel the emotion; acknowledge the emotion but then we need to take an emotional time out so our objective side can take over and help us come up with ways to deal with what we are facing.

Think like a winner.  Believing that we can overcome whatever life threw at us is half the battle.  Have confidence.  Steer clear from doubts because they will only immobilize any effort.  Self-doubts also turn attention away from solutions and keep the attention on the issue.  The calmer we can be, the clearer our mind and the better we are able to think divergently and creatively about the issue(s).  Winners don’t quit; they rise above to meet the challenge head on.

Stay the course.  Never give up, give in, or lose hope.  We all have something inside of us that is greater than any challenge we may encounter on our life journey.  We must believe in ourselves and in our inner strength and resilience.  If we remember that strength doesn’t come from we can’t do but rather from overcoming that which we think we can’t we will put ourselves on a path to rise above the challenge.

Continue to pursue our dream.   Understanding what and where we want to go in life will provide our vision and spirit.  This vision provides motivation to keep us moving above and beyond.   Vision leads to goals leads to action leads to movement leads to rising above!

Maintain a positive outlook.  Even though things may be tough right now, look beyond and notice what is good.  American poet Walt Whitman said, “Keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you.”  The sunshine is our positive outlook; the shadows are whatever we are facing.

Eliminate absolutes like ‘never’ and ‘always.’   Negative absolutes like ‘I will never get over this’ keep us weighted down.  And, when weighted down it is difficult to rise above anything.  If we eliminate negative absolutes from our thoughts and replace them with more relative, open words like ‘sometimes’ and eventually (I will eventually get over this), that weight will be lifted, we will feel “lighter,” and we will be better able to rise above whatever we are facing.

Move beyond fear.  Avoid worrying about ‘what might be.’   When we fear our struggles, they tend to consume us.  But, when we face our struggles, we tend to overcome them.  Focus on the here and now and on what we can control.  Don’t waste energy on things over which we have no control.

Talk through the situation. Talking to others will help put or keep things in perspective. Other people may have similar experiences and may be able to share how they dealt with the issue.  Seek expert help when the issue seems insurmountable and the desire to give up is strong.

Rising above anything life throws at us means we elevate ourselves; we go beyond ourselves and we lift ourselves over what initially seems to be an obstacle.  Maya Angelou (American poet and civil rights activist) tells us, “No sun outlasts its sunset but will rise again and bring the dawn.”  And so it is with us.  Nothing life throws at us can outlast our determination, our will, our desire to move forward.  We can operate at a “higher frequency.”  We have the power in us to create opportunities and pathways to move beyond.

TURNING NEGATIVES INTO POSITIVES

On June 25, 2016, a friend of mine posted on Facebook Rabbi Dov Greenberg’s video about thinking positive. In the video, the following story is relayed:

Imagine renting a wooden cabin in the forest for your honeymoon. The place is charming. At dawn, however, woodpeckers start pounding on the roof. You can’t sleep because of the noise. It happens again at dawn every morning. What would you do? Most people would conclude the cabin experience was a failure.

 

This happened to Gracie and Walter on their honeymoon. But instead of deciding that the cabin was a failure they asked, “What if it is an opportunity?” By the time they had returned from their honeymoon they found it. It became a huge commercial success. They created the cartoon character Woody Woodpecker. Walter [Lantz] was the illustrator. Gracie, the voice [after Mel Blanc and Ben Hardaway].

Gracie and Walter Lantz with their creation, Woody Woodpecker

 When interviewed on their 50^th anniversary, Gracie said, “It was the best thing that ever happened to us.” If Gracie and Walter had become upset and decided the honeymoon was a failure, it would have been a failure. But because they said it was a success, it became a success.

 Our perception shapes our reality. So, it’s not about changing careers, houses, or spouses. That’s not necessarily the path to happiness. It’s about changing our mindset. Think positive. Be positive and positive things will happen.

 I love this story of Walter and Gracie Lantz as it so appropriately illustrates how having an open and positive mindset can set the stage for making the best of whatever we are facing. Our mindset consists of beliefs and beliefs are thoughts that are repeated over and over for a period of time that determine how we respond to situations.   And the longer we think that something can or can’t happen, the more we believe that thought and the more we act accordingly. So, our mindset is very powerful. It can control us; it can hold us back from doing things and in times of change, it can definitely hold us back from accepting or dealing with the change and moving forward.

To turn their negative into a positive, Walter and Gracie looked for the opportunity within it. The woodpeckers were an obstacle to their peace and quiet. But, they viewed this as something temporary. They didn’t allow the disruption to put a negative slant on everything.   They certainly put their creativity to work in making the most of their situation.

Other things that we can do to turn our negatives into positives include:

Avoid jumping to conclusions. Had Walter and Gracie first thought that the noise was horrible and fled from the cabin they never would have created such a well-known and loved character. As they did, it is important to think things through and consider all alternatives before making a final decision.

Practice positive self-talk. Louise L. Hay, author of The Power is Within You, tells us, “The thoughts we choose to think are the tools we use to paint the canvas of our lives.”  If you think in a negative way, your life’s “painting” will be negative. If you think you can’t, you won’t be able to. If you think you can, you will be able to. If you repeat positive thoughts, your mind will begin to focus on what you want you want rather than on what you do not want. Your life’s canvas will be positive. Remember, if you feed your mind positive, it will weaken the negative. Surrounding yourself with others who think positively will help you practice positive self-talk and be positive.

Focus on positive emotions. Barbara Frederickson, a positive psychology researcher at the University of North Carolina, says that positive emotions broaden our sense of possibilities and open our mind. When this happens, we are able to be more creative with our use of skills and resources. (Certainly Walter and Gracie were able to be creative in dealing with their woodpecker situation.)

Challenge the mindset that focuses on the negative. If negative thoughts (I could never do…, I don’t think I can do this…, I’m not as good as….) dominate your mindset, what action can you take to eliminate the negative? Can you try to focus on the positive? Is the negative a learned, an ingrained behavior? If so, you can unlearn it. Change the ‘I could never’ and the ‘I don’t think’ to words of encouragement. Don’t feed the cycle of negativity. If your mindset is set on a specific goal (I want to make…, I want to be…), what action can you take to work toward that goal? What are the steps you can take to move in the direction of that goal?

Use your imagination to visualize favorable solutions. Norman Vincent Peale, author of The Power of Positive Thinking, challenges us to, “Become a possibilitarian. No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights and see possibilities – always see them, for they’re always there.”

Turning negatives into positives may be a challenge to most of us, but it can be done! Walt Whitman tells us to, “Keep your face toward the sunshine and the shadows will fall behind you.” When faced with a negative situation, especially one brought about by change, “face the sunshine” and you will be looking at the bright side of life. Your focus will be on expecting things to turn out well; you will hope for the best.   And, perhaps, just as Walter and Gracie turned their woodpecker situation into a life-changing positive event, so can you turn whatever you are facing  into something positive.