WHY IS CHANGE SO HARD?

My second year of teaching was spent in a middle school classroom where my students all had been labeled “educable mentally retarded.”   I started mid-year, so I only had a little over five months with these 15 students and their curriculum.  I had established a wonderful rapport with “my” students and was looking forward to my next year with them and with the curriculum (especially since I had a lot of creative ideas of how to enhance the curriculum). Was I in a comfort zone with my teaching? You bet.

When school finished in June, I took a couple of weeks off to rest and recharge, but by the beginning of July, I was back in my classroom getting it ready for the new school year. I had learning centers all around the room full of fun and creative ways to learn the material we’d be working on. About two weeks before school was to resume, the vice-principal informed me that my class had been changed to something called “multi-categorical,” and I would now have students labeled “educable mentally retarded, learning disabled, and emotionally disturbed.”

Say what? I wasn’t quite the change agent back then that I am now. I was not looking forward to these changes to my classroom. We are going to examine why change is so hard in the context of this one example from my life. Why was I not looking forward to these changes? Why was it so hard for me to accept the change from my self-contained special education classroom to this thing called a multi-categorical classroom?

Change is hard because we develop a certain mindset about how things are to be.  For me, I was anticipating my self-contained special education classroom. My classroom becoming this ‘multi-categorical thing’ created a distortion in my professional world – something was becoming different – a change was happening and this change challenged my mindset.  I had a picture of what my classroom was to be; I had ‘defined’ my teaching world in terms of the population of students I expected and how my classroom was going to work. The new population of students with whom I would be working was inconsistent with I how felt my teaching world should be.   A major change had entered my world and it was hard for me to accept because of my mindset.

Change is also hard because we get comfortable with our routine; with the way things have always been done. We get set in our ways. We are comfortable with pattern and routine.  I was certainly prepared and ready for my self-contained classroom of ‘educable mentally retarded’ students. But, was I ready to handle such a diverse group of students all in the same class?

Change is hard because it moves us out of our comfort zone. Who doesn’t love their comfort zone? In it, we are less stressed. We know what to expect so we feel more stable, safe, and secure. Introducing students into my classroom who were learning disabled and emotionally disturbed pushed me out of my comfort zone. Thoughts of not being able to handle things in this new zone can be frequent visitors, and in my case, I certainly had a lot of questions. When we are out of our comfort zone, we tend to fear failure, another reason why change is hard.

Change is hard when we associate the loss of something with it (especially the loss of control). My classroom becoming multi-categorical meant I was losing my self-contained, somewhat homogeneous group of students. My new classroom environment meant that I would have to let go of how I did things the previous school year.   A lot of what I had spent the month of July creating in the classroom would have to be redone; just thinking about the loss of time, energy, and effort invested so far was somewhat overwhelming.

Change is hard because we fear the unknown. We don’t know what is coming. We feel safe with predictability, sureness, and the routine. Change can be likened to opening a door and not having any idea of what is on the other side; we take a step into the unknown. We lose that comfortable routine, that comfort zone, and that is scary and frightening. The loss of the familiar and the shift out of our comfort zone can be frightening and downright scary.  Oh, the questions that ran through my mind when I learned about having a multi-categorical classroom! Where was this all going to lead? Will I be able to handle such a diversity in learning abilities and styles? Would I be able to manage some classes with close to 30 students, all special in some way, and all presenting such different needs? The unknown can be terrifying.

Change is hard because we can switch into “bad stress” mode. Life in the changed environment can feel overwhelming. The uncertainty, new expectations, negative emotions all can take a toll on us when we go into ‘stress mode.’

Change is hard when it is thrust upon us and we have no say in what is changing. Shock mode, big time. I think this was my first reaction upon hearing the news of my changed classroom. No, this can’t be happening to me! School starts in just two weeks; are you kidding me?! This is too much to handle at one time. Oftentimes, when change is thrust upon us, we tend to begin thinking that the change wasn’t needed in the first place. Negative emotions such as fear, anger, sadness, or frustration begin to raise their head. These negative thoughts add to making change hard.

Change is hard when we feel our values and principles have been compromised.  Having to do something or live with something that goes against everything you stand for can make whatever is changing rough.  Having 30 special needs students in one class, without any assistance, did go against what I thought was sound and good teaching practice.

Change is all about making something different from what is. It seems that no matter how small or dramatic the change, no matter how expected or unexpected the change, it is accompanied by fear, doubt, uncertainty, and a sense of loss of control. It can be painful, uncomfortable, and difficult to change. It is human nature to want to avoid anything that is painful, makes us uncomfortable, and is difficult. Many changes move us out of our comfort zone, that zone, like a child’s security blanket, where we feel safe and secure.  We would prefer comfortable, familiar, and safety. In this post, we explored 10 reasons why change is hard. In future posts, we’ll take a closer look at some of these reasons and explore how we can better deal with them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

READY OR NOT, HERE IT COMES!

I grew up in a day and age when as children, we spent as much time playing outside as possible. Hide and seek was a favorite game, and if you’ve played it you know that the seeker counts to a certain number and before heading out to find everyone says, “Ready or not, here I come!” If you weren’t ready for the seeker or if you weren’t totally tucked away in your hiding place, you were likely an easy target for the seeker.

And, so it is with change. Ready or not, here it comes and if you aren’t expecting it, you will likely be caught off guard by it. Even if you are expecting it, you aren’t always ready to deal with it especially with some of the consequences of it.

In November, I spoke to a women’s group in Bethel Park, PA on change, specifically changes older Americans face. We addressed four areas: health, lifestyle, technology, and perception of others. The health area generated much discussion and I frequently heard, “I am having a hard time accepting the physical changes I am now dealing with. I just can’t do as much as I used to.” Sound familiar? No matter what the change, sometimes we just aren’t ready to deal with the consequences of the change; we just aren’t ready to accept what the change is bringing or has brought.

It is important to remember that change happens all the time. And, sometimes, that change can be quite difficult to accept. It is also important to remember that change is a process and so is the accepting of it. This week’s post is for my Bethel Park friends and everyone else who is having trouble accepting an aspect of change in their lives. May this information help you with the process of change and the accepting of what change has brought.

Acceptance is a noun that has three specific meanings: receiving or taking something offered (e.g., the acceptance of a gift); welcoming or endorsing a person or thing (e.g., the acceptance of someone’s fiancé); and, assenting to something (e.g., acceptance of the reality of a situation).   It is this latter meaning of acceptance that sets the stage for this week’s post.

Just as the person at the Bethel Park presentation isn’t happy with the physical changes she is experiencing as she gets older, she does, begrudgingly, accept the reality of the situation. And, oftentimes, that is what we do when we are not happy about what has changed but have no control over the change; we accede to the change; we yield to it. I found the following quote from http://www.idanceintherain.com most appropriate, “Do not see acceptance as a weakness. Accepting a situation does not mean you are giving up. Acceptance simply means that you recognize and understand your current situation. Acceptance allows you to be free from the shackles of denial and move forward in life, creating a new path and a new life for yourself.”

So, what are some things that we can do to recognize and understand the current situation, move forward and create a new path for ourselves? First, we must have the philosophy that nothing is permanent. Before change happens, remember that some things go and are replaced by new things. This is a fact of life. And, with some change, it is necessary for the old, the former to go so that the new can come.  There is always a reason for the change (even those physical changes that accompany our getting older).

Whenever possible, anticipate the change. Change happens all the time; it is a natural part of our lives. If you can maintain an awareness that change can happen at any time, it will help you from being caught off guard when it does happen. (Knowing that changes in our physical abilities can happen as we age may help some take proactive measures to minimize future physical limitations, like exercising, strength training, etc.)

Adopt the viewpoint that change presents opportunities for growth. I may not be able to play tennis in the manner I used to. Can I play a modified version of the sport? Or, is there a different activity can I do? Perhaps now is the time to take up a form of dancing or something else I like but haven’t yet tried. 
Oftentimes with change, our first thoughts of it are negative. We need to change that mindset and think in a positive manner instead. Sometimes, accepting change is as easy as learning to think in a positive manner. We have all heard about the power of positive thinking. This is when we believe that whatever we face, we will be able to deal with it. OK. So, I can’t move the same way I did just a year ago. My knees may hurt when I try to run and make quick turns. I will stop doing that movement. I will be grateful that I am still able to walk unassisted. Maybe I will give water aerobics a try. I might be able to run and make quick turns in that environment. A side benefit of looking at the positive in every situation is that you maintain a relaxed composure.

For most, accepting change doesn’t happen all at once. Allow yourself to grieve for what has been lost or what has become different. While everyone grieves differently and more like being on a roller coaster than in discreet stages, the stages in the Kübler-Ross model are a helpful guide. Those stages are: denial (where we refuse to accept the facts; the reality of the situation; this isn’t happening to me!); anger (where we are emotionally upset; why is this happening to me?); bargaining (where we seek to negotiate a compromise; what if I…., I promise I’ll be a better person if only…); depression (extremely sad over what has happened; I don’t care anymore!); and, acceptance (the goal of the grieving process; OK, me; what is next? I am ready for whatever comes my way). Work through these stages and give yourself the time to come to terms with the change.

Being flexible can also help you accept the change. If you can focus your energy on making the best of things in situations over which you have no control, you won’t waste energy fighting what has changed. And, if you can make the best of the situation, you will have greater control over that situation. As Jonathan Lockwood Huie said, “You don’t have the power to make life “fair;” but you do have the power to make life joyful.”

Certainly, at my presentation to the Bethel Park group, the person who shared her concern over the physical changes she was experiencing was using an acceptance technique of acknowledging the loss and talking about it with others. Getting our thoughts and feelings “off our chest” can do wonders in moving us toward accepting what has or is changing. Use the “touchstones” in your life; your support system.   Reach out to the people in your life with whom you are close and discuss with them what you are facing, feeling, sensing, etc.

Always keep things in perspective, stay in the present, and prioritize what is important. When we are unhappy or uncomfortable with the change or with what is changing, it is easy to focus on the past or the future. Neither is helpful because we can’t undo our have a do-over with the past and we have no control over the future. If we keep things in perspective and focus on the present, we can deal with the change as it is happening. (OK. So, I have some pain in my knees and I don’t move as well as I used to. I am still able to get around on my own. I don’t need assistance; no walker; no wheelchair. I can still do most of what I have been able to do.)

Change can be frightening. Getting moved out of our comfort zone is unsettling. Our comfort zone is like a child’s security blanket; we feel safe and secure when “wrapped” in the zone. Many become unsettled or fear change because of the unknown. We don’t know what is coming. We feel safe with predictability, sureness, and the routine. Change is like opening a door and not having any idea of what is on the other side; we step into the unknown. We lose that comfortable routine, that comfort zone, and that is scary and frightening. Accepting what is happening may be as equally as frightening as the change itself. HOWEVER, we cannot move forward until we’ve accepted what has happened; what has changed. Not accepting the change only makes the situation harder. As Eckhart Tolle advises, “To complain is always non-acceptance of what is. It invariably carries an unconscious negative charge. When you complain, you make yourself a victim. When you speak out, you are in your power. So change the situation by taking action or by speaking out if necessary or possible; leave the situation or accept it. All else is madness.”

ON YOUR MARK, GET SET, GET SET, GET SET …

In her 2014 Christmas letter, my friend Beth wrote, “Thank you for the cards and letters throughout the year and the tips for dealing with challenges on your blog. You make very good points but it is difficult at times to put them into practice… .” Beth brings up a very good and valid point, one on which I have been thinking ever since getting her letter. I want the strategies and techniques for dealing with change to be of use to you. So, for anyone like Beth who may find it difficult at times to put those “tips” into practice, this week’s post is for you.

I titled this week’s post, “on your mark, get set, get set, get set …” because that is how it must feel when you are ready to do something, but just can’t get going. You are on your mark and you are all set to go, but the ‘go’ just won’t cooperate. It is like being in a holding pattern. Ever been on an airplane that had to go into a holding pattern?   Something interfered with the normal course of events in the flight causing it to have to circle and circle and circle the friendly sky until the source of the interference went away.

Holding patterns are frustrating. The inability to deal with change in a way one may want to can also be frustrating. So, how do we deal with that frustration? How do we move from on our mark, from get set to GO?

If we haven’t accepted the change, that is a place to start. We must be committed to dealing with or making the best of whatever has changed. (I won’t go into details here about how one accepts the change because that is the topic of the January 19 blog post.)

It is also good to touch base with our emotions. How we feel about the change is what really matters. Our emotions will drive our reaction to the change which will drive our ability (or inability) to face it, deal with it, learn from it, grow from it, accept it, and move forward from it. Any emotional response is fine; there is no good or bad; no right or wrong.  However, emotions that prevent you from moving forward, from getting you to move from ‘set’ to ‘go,’ must be dealt with. It is OK to be sad or angry or disappointed or fearful about a change, but at some point, we must move on from that.

At some point, we have to take control over any emotion that doesn’t allow us to move forward. (And, again, the topic of emotional responses to change is one with which we will deal in depth in future posts this year. But, I will say now that to change how we feel about something or how we react to something, we must change how we think about it.)

It isn’t only our emotional response to a change that may prevent us from moving forth. Our habits and our thinking that “it’s always been done this way and it’s always been fine” may also interfere with our ability to implement strategies and techniques to deal with the change.   Albert Einstein said, “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.” So, we need to be open to other ways of looking at, of thinking about what we are facing with the change.

You are saying, “Becky, I am fine with the change. My emotions are in check. I am willing to think creatively and out-of-the-box, but I still find it difficult to put the strategies and techniques into practice!” I hear you. And, to this, I say, “Take things one step at a time.” While we have covered 35 strategies and many, many techniques, by no means are all the strategies and techniques meant to be used at the same time. We must be judicious in picking and choosing which strategies or which techniques fit the situation we are facing. In my book, I relay a few stories of caretaking for my mother when she was dying. There are three strategies that I used to help me deal with the change in my mom’s health and her death: relationships (I relied on conversations with my close friends to help me keep my emotions in check, keep things in perspective, and to keep me grounded); sense of humor (my mom was a trooper in making both of us smile by frequently using her wit and sense of humor); and, ending something/learn to let go (allowing myself to go through the steps of the grieving process so that I could move forward).

We may have to take baby steps in moving forward with the change or in the changed environment. Just knowing that there are ways to deal with how we are feeling or what we are facing is a good start. Assess your situation. Assess how you feel. Check over the list of strategies and techniques and if nothing else choose one that will help you move beyond, move forth. Commit to putting that strategy or technique into practice at least once a day. Add other strategies and techniques that may fit the situation, but do so only when or if you need to.

Sometimes it is a matter of just “taking the plunge.” There are those who advocate that jumping into a body of water and totally immersing oneself in the water is the easiest way to get acclimated to the water. The same philosophy may work with putting a change strategy or technique into practice: take the plunge and just do it. Pick a strategy or technique that fits the situation and just do it. If that helps you deal with what the change threw your way, great. If you are still not ‘acclimated’ to the change, choose another strategy or technique and immerse yourself in that. Continue until you find something that helps you get acclimated to the change in your world.

Change has a way of rocking our world. Sometimes, that change is something we want and so we feel comfortable with it from the start and the rocking of our world is a good thing. But, when the change shifts us too far out of our comfort zone and we can’t get comfortable with it or we have difficulty accepting it, we must proactively take steps to deal with it. Doe Zantamata writes, “You are always with you, every moment of every day. But how well do you know yourself? Do you only find out what you like, love, or even dislike as a response to what happens every day? Making time for yourself, whether it be through journaling, meditation, or time spent alone in a peaceful setting helps you to become centered. Becoming centered brings your peace inside rather than at the whim of what happens on the outside. Get to know, love, and accept yourself, an that inner peace will transform every moment of your outside world for good.”

When change is approaching or has entered your life, take time to center yourself and allow that inner peace to help you develop the strength, the mindset, and desire to face the change head on. Allow that inner peace to guide you in working through the change and in putting into practice the strategies and techniques that will help you ‘face the sunshine and avoid the shadows’ in your changed world.

LOOKING BACK TO MOVE FORWARD

Happy 2015! Welcome to the New Year! Raise your hand if part of your transition to the change of the New Year was to reflect on 2014. My hand is up. I did spend time reviewing the highlights of the year as well as the challenges. One of the items in my reflection that was both a highlight and a challenge, and on which I am still reflecting, is my book Facing the Sunshine and Avoiding the Shadows: Strategies to Stay Sane and Positive amid Change, and the blog (which came about as a result of the book).

In my blog reflection, I took a look at what was covered (primarily so I could get a handle on where I wanted to go with it in this New Year). Wow! We covered a lot in 40 posts:  information on 35 strategies for dealing with change was shared.

I am big on the use of acronyms to help others remember ‘stuff.’ Sixteen of the strategies came from my book, Facing the Sunshine and Avoiding the Shadows: Strategies to Stay Sane and Positive amid Change, with PRESERVING SANITY as the acronym. Those strategies are: persistence, relationships, enthusiasm, sense of humor, ending something, roaming the wilderness, vision, irreverent thinking, negotiating roadblocks, giggling; savoring mistakes, “atta” persons, new style of thinking, innovativeness, taking risks, and you have to dream big.

Another 10 strategies can be found in the acronym BE POSITIVE: balance, eager beaver, passion, outlet, saluting others, inner child, transformation, ingenuity, vitality, and easy going.

SMILE contains five more strategies (self-esteem, modification, introspection, laughter, and exuberance) while CALM represented another four (can-do attitude, adapt, learn to let go, and moving forward).

                                                           

Did you happen to notice that the acronyms also provided a hint as to things we need to do when dealing with change?

We need to preserve our sanity and not let change get the best of us;

We need to be positive as an optimistic outlook will certainly help us navigate the change more successfully;

We need to smile since doing so helps us project a more positive image, calms us and reduces stress, and makes up feel happier; and,

We need to remain calm so we can maintain our perspective and not over-react.

In addition to strategies for dealing with change, we also explored what change is and why it is so difficult, the emotion of disappointment, the importance of concentrating on the positive, and the mindset of looking at change as an opportunity. And, four of the very early posts were “housekeeping” ones – who I am, why I wrote the book, how the book can be of help, and an overview of the book’s strategies.

Certainly this blog went well beyond the 16 strategies in the book. As I look to the blog and 2015, I will continue to focus on strategies that will help you deal with change. In addition, I want to look at how change makes us feel and how to deal with those feelings or reactions. And, I will be addressing topics that are coming from you, my faithful followers.  So, perhaps we all will be well served by ‘looking back to move forward.’  Continue  your reflection/introspection to help  you on your journey in this new year.